*WARNING*: Slash, and if you don't know what that is by now, WHAT THE
BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Hmmmm, if I don't do a warning for the
next chapter, I wonder how many flames I'll get.........
A/N: I was stuck on all of my stories, including several I haven't even finished the first chapter for, so I was just asking everyone on my buddy list which story I should work on. Surprisingly, everyone said Essence, even though one of them hadn't even read my work yet and has no clue what any of it was about, lol. So, thanks to the three people I asked, here is the next chapter in Essence of Your Life. Oh, btw, looking for beta- readers. Most of my stuff is un-betaed *dodges flying objects*, I don't even read through it once I finish writing it *dodges flying blades* so that's why I'm looking for beta-readers. So, anyone interested, just email me (Kami, I'm already going to send you stuff to beta-read, I promise. I just keep on forgetting to send it, I'm in such a rush to post. And I'm just looking for more than one opinion, and I just want to get better at getting my work beta-ed before posting. *dodges last cavalcade of flying weapons*). And as if this isn't a long enough author's note, I just realized that Harry is really kind of getting OOC, so just pretend that he went through some traumatic time in some year to kind of make him this way.
Enjoy!
Essence of Your Life: Chapter 5: Doesn't Matter
Malfoy,
Meet me in the room of requirements, tonight at 11
I look up at him to see if he cares that I received his not. He doesn't look up. Of course, it would be so like him. So bloody used to everyone following at a snap of his fingers. What else would he do but write me a bloody note and send it by his bloody owl and expect me to jump at his bloody direction. He doesn't even care that everyone in the bloody school knows that it's his owl and that in ordering it to deliver a bloody note to me, he's virtually telling everyone in the whole bloody school that he has some bloody reason to speak to me. At least he's not bloody telling me to meet him in the bloody Astronomy Tower.
"Draco, what's wrong? You seem to be rather /i this morning." Pansy's scared, everyone at the table is. It would only make sense; having to wake up after spending half the bloody night in detention under McGonagall, after having to bloody well wake up a good three hours before anyone else to finish my bloody schoolwork, having to bloody well wake up in the first place, and then bloody well getting a bloody note from bloody saint Potter.
"It's nothing," I say, as I crumple the note in my hand. I usually do not lose control like this, but I really cannot stand it. Potter is saying, and I am jumping. The only thing that makes this the least bit bearable is the fact that I said I would. Unlike common belief, Malfoys follow through with their word. I refuse to break my word after having kept it so many times before, after establishing a reputation to my friends that I will always bloody keep my word.
*And you're curious as to what he'll say*
And I go because I have to. I never should have agreed to listen to him. Late at night, having let my guard down, I sincerely hope that was not "normal" behavior for me.
*None of your behavior is really normal*
Because I have to be perfect, because there are expectations of what I'll become, because there is someone I need to be, someone I have to strive into making myself.
Because the haven that was my friends now turns into a nagging nest of hens, always peering into my business, asking me if I'm "all right", wondering if there's something different about me, looking at me differently if I just don't feel hungry during a meal.
*That is why you are going to go meet Harry*
Because he won't ask me if I'm all right, because he won't care if I don't eat, because he won't be shocked if I'm wrong, because he isn't selfless, but he isn't selfish. He doesn't care about me at all, and yet he wants me to listen to him. He doesn't even care if I get the note, he doesn't even care if I am going to be there, he just sends the summons. He leaves no possible way to respond, and believes I will be there. He doesn't even know that I know where it is.
*You said you would be there, and he believes you*
But why? Why does he believe I will show up? Up until yesterday, I was only supposed to be a bloody blonde ferrety git, a sneaky Slytherin, not to be trusted. Now he trusts me not to rat him out to Filch or some teacher, like I did in first year.
*Either way, he believes you will go*
*And you will go*
I will go.
I have to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I enter the room. He's late again. But at this point, I don't care. I'm not even worried he might waltz in with teachers in tow, meaning a detention, despite Snape always trying to kiss up to me, getting me out of detentions and giving Slytherins house points.
It just doesn't matter
*Only he matters*
Only the fact that I must keep my word, that I have to be here matters, nothing else.
*That is a lie*
No, what matters is that same connection, that same bond, that same feeling, that I have to tell.
I have to tell him.
But I don't know what to say.
*What you say does not matter*
But it does. How can he understand if I don't tell him? How can he possibly-
"Are you always going to have your back to a door?" Potter saunters in, odd that he has so much confidence, and yet here he is, to metaphorically "spill his guts out", most likely inluding blackmail material. Yet he just strolls in, without a care, as if nothing in the world matters.
*To him, nothing in the world does matter*
Not even Mudblood, always forcing him to the library for books and parthment, not even Weasel, always set on one thing, never caring if it's right for Potter or not.
*You matter*
Only because I listen, because I can understand part of what he does. Does he understand me though?
*He does*
Does he care?
"Well, if you're just going to stare at the wall, I supposed I'll start." Potter always has to take charge, doesn't he.
He does not even care that he is pushing around someone who can easily retaliate if pushed too far.
He is very stupid.
*Or he has nothing to lose*
But he has everything to lose. A good reputation, friends, friendship, trust, admiration, grades, everything.
*Nothing that matters to him*
"I want them to leave me the bloody fuck alone. They don't need to know where I am every single hour of every single day. They don't need to know exactly what I eat, how much I eat it, when I eat it. They don't need to know how long I work on my homework, what subject I happen to be working on, they don't need to know anything. They pester me, always, trying, grasping at straws to try and make sense of who I am. They ask me if I'm "all right", if I might need something, if I'm feeling sick, if perhaps I'm going to need to go see Madam Pomfrey. They worry about me too much, they're suffocating me."
My heart is beating too loudly. Why? I know exactly what Harry is feeling right now, but it's not just understanding, it's beyond that, mere understanding would not cause blood to rush through my veins, exhilerating, flooding through me. What is it?
*It's-*
Nothing. It's nothing.
"Why won't they understand that I need my space, that I need breathing room, that I have to be able to make decisions leading to choices of my own." He looks so vulnerable, so fragile like that. He looks like he can be shattered by the smallest breath of wind, broken into pieces, never to be the same, never to be like it was.
"Well, that was fun. I'll see you Saturday at the Quidditch game. I'll have fun beating you." Now he's just trying to walk away, as if he hasn't just spilled his soul to me, his mask is back on, shielding everything he thinks, acting like nothing matters.
"You can try to walk away, but that will not save you." I don't want him to leave, I don't want him to go.
Why?
*Because-*
Nothing.
"Why do you think I want to be saved?" His eyes, so intense, so burning, so-
Untouchable.
"When you are cold, lying alone in the dark, everyone so close yet so very far away, you will want to be saved." I don't even know why I'm telling him this, I said I would listen, listen only. The words are just pouring from my lips, slipping past my defenses, I don't even know why I'm speaking. Why do I want him to stay?
*Because-*
Nevermind.
"I do not and will not ever want to be saved." He spits every word out, like he is disgusted at the very taste of the the words.
"You don't care about your friends, how it must hurt them when you brush them off like they are annoying little insects?" He has to care about something, someone. If he does not, why does he live?
*He lives for the same reason you do*
*Because he has to*
"What do you know about friends, you don't have any." This time, there is truly no doubt in my mind that he can only be disgusted by his words, by this situation, by me. Then he just leaves.
I want to go after him.
*You want to go after him, you want to hold him, you want to tell him everything will be alright, erase everything that went wrong, and kiss away his fears. You want to-"*
Nothing.
It doesn't matter what I want.
It just does not matter.
A/N: I was stuck on all of my stories, including several I haven't even finished the first chapter for, so I was just asking everyone on my buddy list which story I should work on. Surprisingly, everyone said Essence, even though one of them hadn't even read my work yet and has no clue what any of it was about, lol. So, thanks to the three people I asked, here is the next chapter in Essence of Your Life. Oh, btw, looking for beta- readers. Most of my stuff is un-betaed *dodges flying objects*, I don't even read through it once I finish writing it *dodges flying blades* so that's why I'm looking for beta-readers. So, anyone interested, just email me (Kami, I'm already going to send you stuff to beta-read, I promise. I just keep on forgetting to send it, I'm in such a rush to post. And I'm just looking for more than one opinion, and I just want to get better at getting my work beta-ed before posting. *dodges last cavalcade of flying weapons*). And as if this isn't a long enough author's note, I just realized that Harry is really kind of getting OOC, so just pretend that he went through some traumatic time in some year to kind of make him this way.
Enjoy!
Essence of Your Life: Chapter 5: Doesn't Matter
Malfoy,
Meet me in the room of requirements, tonight at 11
I look up at him to see if he cares that I received his not. He doesn't look up. Of course, it would be so like him. So bloody used to everyone following at a snap of his fingers. What else would he do but write me a bloody note and send it by his bloody owl and expect me to jump at his bloody direction. He doesn't even care that everyone in the bloody school knows that it's his owl and that in ordering it to deliver a bloody note to me, he's virtually telling everyone in the whole bloody school that he has some bloody reason to speak to me. At least he's not bloody telling me to meet him in the bloody Astronomy Tower.
"Draco, what's wrong? You seem to be rather /i this morning." Pansy's scared, everyone at the table is. It would only make sense; having to wake up after spending half the bloody night in detention under McGonagall, after having to bloody well wake up a good three hours before anyone else to finish my bloody schoolwork, having to bloody well wake up in the first place, and then bloody well getting a bloody note from bloody saint Potter.
"It's nothing," I say, as I crumple the note in my hand. I usually do not lose control like this, but I really cannot stand it. Potter is saying, and I am jumping. The only thing that makes this the least bit bearable is the fact that I said I would. Unlike common belief, Malfoys follow through with their word. I refuse to break my word after having kept it so many times before, after establishing a reputation to my friends that I will always bloody keep my word.
*And you're curious as to what he'll say*
And I go because I have to. I never should have agreed to listen to him. Late at night, having let my guard down, I sincerely hope that was not "normal" behavior for me.
*None of your behavior is really normal*
Because I have to be perfect, because there are expectations of what I'll become, because there is someone I need to be, someone I have to strive into making myself.
Because the haven that was my friends now turns into a nagging nest of hens, always peering into my business, asking me if I'm "all right", wondering if there's something different about me, looking at me differently if I just don't feel hungry during a meal.
*That is why you are going to go meet Harry*
Because he won't ask me if I'm all right, because he won't care if I don't eat, because he won't be shocked if I'm wrong, because he isn't selfless, but he isn't selfish. He doesn't care about me at all, and yet he wants me to listen to him. He doesn't even care if I get the note, he doesn't even care if I am going to be there, he just sends the summons. He leaves no possible way to respond, and believes I will be there. He doesn't even know that I know where it is.
*You said you would be there, and he believes you*
But why? Why does he believe I will show up? Up until yesterday, I was only supposed to be a bloody blonde ferrety git, a sneaky Slytherin, not to be trusted. Now he trusts me not to rat him out to Filch or some teacher, like I did in first year.
*Either way, he believes you will go*
*And you will go*
I will go.
I have to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I enter the room. He's late again. But at this point, I don't care. I'm not even worried he might waltz in with teachers in tow, meaning a detention, despite Snape always trying to kiss up to me, getting me out of detentions and giving Slytherins house points.
It just doesn't matter
*Only he matters*
Only the fact that I must keep my word, that I have to be here matters, nothing else.
*That is a lie*
No, what matters is that same connection, that same bond, that same feeling, that I have to tell.
I have to tell him.
But I don't know what to say.
*What you say does not matter*
But it does. How can he understand if I don't tell him? How can he possibly-
"Are you always going to have your back to a door?" Potter saunters in, odd that he has so much confidence, and yet here he is, to metaphorically "spill his guts out", most likely inluding blackmail material. Yet he just strolls in, without a care, as if nothing in the world matters.
*To him, nothing in the world does matter*
Not even Mudblood, always forcing him to the library for books and parthment, not even Weasel, always set on one thing, never caring if it's right for Potter or not.
*You matter*
Only because I listen, because I can understand part of what he does. Does he understand me though?
*He does*
Does he care?
"Well, if you're just going to stare at the wall, I supposed I'll start." Potter always has to take charge, doesn't he.
He does not even care that he is pushing around someone who can easily retaliate if pushed too far.
He is very stupid.
*Or he has nothing to lose*
But he has everything to lose. A good reputation, friends, friendship, trust, admiration, grades, everything.
*Nothing that matters to him*
"I want them to leave me the bloody fuck alone. They don't need to know where I am every single hour of every single day. They don't need to know exactly what I eat, how much I eat it, when I eat it. They don't need to know how long I work on my homework, what subject I happen to be working on, they don't need to know anything. They pester me, always, trying, grasping at straws to try and make sense of who I am. They ask me if I'm "all right", if I might need something, if I'm feeling sick, if perhaps I'm going to need to go see Madam Pomfrey. They worry about me too much, they're suffocating me."
My heart is beating too loudly. Why? I know exactly what Harry is feeling right now, but it's not just understanding, it's beyond that, mere understanding would not cause blood to rush through my veins, exhilerating, flooding through me. What is it?
*It's-*
Nothing. It's nothing.
"Why won't they understand that I need my space, that I need breathing room, that I have to be able to make decisions leading to choices of my own." He looks so vulnerable, so fragile like that. He looks like he can be shattered by the smallest breath of wind, broken into pieces, never to be the same, never to be like it was.
"Well, that was fun. I'll see you Saturday at the Quidditch game. I'll have fun beating you." Now he's just trying to walk away, as if he hasn't just spilled his soul to me, his mask is back on, shielding everything he thinks, acting like nothing matters.
"You can try to walk away, but that will not save you." I don't want him to leave, I don't want him to go.
Why?
*Because-*
Nothing.
"Why do you think I want to be saved?" His eyes, so intense, so burning, so-
Untouchable.
"When you are cold, lying alone in the dark, everyone so close yet so very far away, you will want to be saved." I don't even know why I'm telling him this, I said I would listen, listen only. The words are just pouring from my lips, slipping past my defenses, I don't even know why I'm speaking. Why do I want him to stay?
*Because-*
Nevermind.
"I do not and will not ever want to be saved." He spits every word out, like he is disgusted at the very taste of the the words.
"You don't care about your friends, how it must hurt them when you brush them off like they are annoying little insects?" He has to care about something, someone. If he does not, why does he live?
*He lives for the same reason you do*
*Because he has to*
"What do you know about friends, you don't have any." This time, there is truly no doubt in my mind that he can only be disgusted by his words, by this situation, by me. Then he just leaves.
I want to go after him.
*You want to go after him, you want to hold him, you want to tell him everything will be alright, erase everything that went wrong, and kiss away his fears. You want to-"*
Nothing.
It doesn't matter what I want.
It just does not matter.