Warning: Slash, means guy/guy or homosexual, whatever you want to call it, relationship(s). If you don't like it, don't read it.
Disclaimer: I don't own them (though I wouldn't mind owning Draco ;-))
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Jocelyn. Happy birthday!
Enjoy!
Essence of Your Life:
They're looking at me again. They're glancing my way, whispering, gossiping, like the parasites they are. Even Ron and Hermione; I know they talk to each other, wondering what happened to me, what changed me, changed me into what I am today. I know they say that they're just "concerned" for me, that they care for me, they really do.
They don't.
I can see it in the way they look at me when they don't think I'm watching. I can tell by the way they'll stop talking when I walk into a room. I can gather the way they're always trying to convince me to tell Dumbledore or a teacher, or someone whenever I get into Voldemort's head, be it accident or on purpose.
They don't even believe it when I tell them that I purposely go into Voldemort's head. Even if I B.S. something about "tactical advantages" and crap like that. They don't believe I'd ever want to go into Voldemort's head.
The fucked up thing is, I've long ago stopped popping into Voldemort's head by accident; I want to get into his head, think of myself as Voldemort, have people bow to me from fear, being able to cast an Unforgivable, feed this darkness inside me.
It's like a drug, intoxicating my senses. I know it's bad for me, will probably kill many people on "my" side. But frankly?
I don't give a shit.
Because this is for me. I don't have to be the Boy-Who-Lived-to-be-a-figurehead. I don't have people hanging off me, trying to get something from me. I know that I should be able to take all this shit, and then some, without anything to fall back on. You know what I say to that?
Bullshit.
This thing, this going into the head of my sworn enemy, the whole possessing-the-body-of-the-guy-that-killed-my-parents-and-ruined-my-life. It's insane. It's crazy. Any sane person would lock me up in a straitjacket. It's horrible. It's terrible.
It's why I'm doing it.
I want to feel their revulsion dripping off of me, the hatred rolling off them like waves, the stink of fear in the air. I want to feel it because they still have to worship me, praying that I"ll save them from Moldy Voldie.
They'll hate and adore me.
It'll fuck them up so bad.
And that's just the way I want it.
I want to scar them, mix them up so they don't know which way's up, I want to fuck them up just like they've fucked me up. Then they'll see. They'll see that I don't fucking want to be a savior. I want to be normal. Yeah, I sound like a spoiled brat. Here I am, with fame galore, and not without money either, girls falling over themselves to even look at me, and I'm just saying that I want to be normal. Yeah, I'm a brat.
And I don't fucking care.
I want to do something so shocking, so incredible. I want to show them that I'm never going to be who they want me to be. I want to smash every preconception they ever had of me into ittie bittie pieces.
Now I just need to figure out how.
"Mr. Potter! Please explain what you were doing in the other dimension inside your head." McGonagall. I used to think she was someone to be wary of, now I merely pity how she says "how high" when Dumbledore says "jump". Hn, perhaps I can use this opportunity to finally break free from my imprisoning shell.
"And why should I answer you?" That and the fact that she's getting too insolent. I've practically- no, I have fallen asleep during class, and now she expects me to be apologetic?
"Mr. Potter, apologize for your rudeness or you're getting a detention tonight!" Oh, puh-lease. I've been in life or death situations, and she thinks several hours doing meaningless chores will scare me? I've taken months of menial work. If she thinks several hours will break me.... Time to show her where the power truly lies.
"If I get a detention, I might get upset. I'm already insane, right? If I'm upset and insane, who knows what will happen?" I'm laughing now. It's just so funny. She thinks she'll intimidate me!
"Is that a threat?" And now, to really fuck all those posers up.
"I don't know; is it? I'm insane. How should I be able to tell? Besides, aren't I the "Golden Boy-who-Lived"?! I'm not supposed to make threats. I'm not supposed to do anything but-" Damn. I lost control, and when I can least afford to. I let them see into my mind, see what I'm thinking see that what I really want is-
Ring
"Well, Mr. Potter, it seems the expression "saved by the bell" really does happen. Make sure this never happens again and I shall be lenient" I snort. Honestly. She's trying to save face, bluffing through the fact that I've started her, scared her. Even Ron and Hermione can't bluff through the fact that I have just quite unmistakenly cast myself into uncertain terratory, what with threatening a teacher.
I make my way out of the classroom. I don't have time for this.
"Hey, Potter." I grit my teeth. No, I don't have time, so of course Malfoy would have it with millenia to spare. And is that pity I hear in his voice?! What, I'm no longer good enough for him to hate?!!!!!!!
"What, Ferret? Come to torment me again? You think I care?" I will not I will not IwillnotIwillnotIwillnot-
"Why did you talk back?"
I.
Will.
NOT
"They day I come running to you for comfort is the day I tell you my reasons for doing things." I stalk off. I don't even know why I'd think he'd care, even dream of comforting me if I ever broke down in his arms. The idea's completely ridiculous. I just can't take it. Everything's falling to pieces, and I just want to be LEFT ALONE, as I'm mentally screaming-
But as I'm walking away, Ron and Hermione flanking me, like they need to take care of me. Asking me questions, like I need to be taken care of. Just one thing stands out in my mind through the flurry and haze.
He looked shattered.