Sk00t'r.

Now, I don't want to be labeled as a basket-maker or haberdasher for no good reason. You've seen my hard life. But that's not even the half of it. I suppose that I weaved the baskets of justice and habered the dashes of revenge, or so I would like to think. See, it's a difficult task indeed to catch a helicopter pilot. They can fly, in the air, in their helicopters. And so, naturally, a non-helicopter pilot like myself would find all sorts of things wrong with what that was supposed to be. Bryce hardly ever flew his helicopter. He couldn't even afford one, even with all the money he made fishing and reporting. No, he spent all that money on his assassins, and on his assassins assassinating his other assassins who decided that assassination is not for the life of the said assassin, or in this case, an ex-assassin.

However, Sk00t'r was an assassin, and so was I. She lived in a two story house in the suburbs of West Antigone over by the coast. She was married, or something, and had a husband, or something, and I think I already mentioned little Deputy Governor Danforth Sk00t'r II... But she tried to kill me. And under any normal circumstance, this would make me a bit angry, naturally. Well this was a normally abnormal circumstance. Well, normal in that I would be angry, but abnormal in that she tried to kill me, even though I was an assassin, or something. I still remember the day, when I was coming home from school, and I got a knife and walked to her house... Wait, no, I wasn't coming home from school. I think I was coming home from the hospital. To her home. From the hospital. With extreme justice and maximum knife.

Yes, well, it was her daughter that was coming home from school. On the bus. But I didn't care, I whistled a carefree tune as I walked to her house. But she... Was she the first one I killed? Why didn't I use my sword? I thought I killed that halfing first. If that's the case, then perhaps it was because using my sword against an unarmed opponent would be dishonorable, and I'd have to commit sepukku immediately following... But she used a gun, and THAT is more dishonorable than mine. What kind of parent keeps a gun in her children's cereal box, anyway? A concerned parent.

Anyway, I rang her doorbell and she was all

"I see you have brought Maximum Knife." And then I was all

"Yes, Sk00t'r. The Maximum Knife allowed by Arizona state law."

"Ah yes, but doesn't Arizona state law designate a shilling weekly and an extra tuppence fortnightly?"

"Of course it does. But we all know that that's hardly even enough to purchase so much as a single case of SugarPow!."

"But we also all know that a normal family of three requires at least forty-eight bottles of, that is to say, two cases of SugarPow! in order to stem the slaughter set upon their cursed heads by the German gods during the second War of the Pass." Sk00t'r was right. What could I possibly say to defend myself against such infallible logic? "So where's my tuppence?"

"I didn't bring your tuppence, Sk00t'r."

"You... Didn't bring my tuppence? How DARE you!"

"One thing you seem to have forgotten Sk00t'r." She stared at me. My eyes narrowed to slits. "We're not in Arizona." A forced silence came and was gone. Finally, Sk00t'r spoke.

"On the mantle in the living room, there is a picture of my family. Inside this picture are four tuppences that I set aside for this day. I always knew that you would come to kill me." My mind was reeling. Four tuppences? How could she have possibly amassed such wealth! Surely not with what Bryce paid her. Perhaps she had...

"You spent two months in Arizona! You traitor!"

"That's right, you magnificent devil!"

"You'll pay for what you've done, Sk00t'r."

"I'd like to see you TRY to pay me."

"No, YOU'LL be the one paying."

"I'm not giving up my tuppences."

"That was blood money! You can't keep it! It's from Arizona. You cannot wield it."

"Then it will stay locked in my picture forever." We sat at a stalemate. This issue of the tuppence seemed to have stopped our battle. Or at least delayed it.

"That money should go towards buying SugarPow!, Sk00t'r. You know it. The German gods are not going to be pleased with your warmongering."

"Warmongering?" Sk00t'r's eyes got wide, and angry. "The only war that I'LL be mongering is the war against you and your living!" With that, Sk00t'r lunged at me. I had no choice but to dive away, into the living room, toward the picture with the four tuppences. I quickly grabbed the picture and held it at knife point. Maximum knife point.

"Stand back, Sk00t'r. It's time to right the wrongs you've written."

"The wrongs I write are always right and your written 'rights' are really wrong."

"What's wrong, Sk00t'r?"

"You are." She lunged again. I stabbed the maximum knife into the picture, and tuppences came flying out. Sk00t'r scrambled to grab them before I could, but she slipped, and fell, and died. Suddenly, her daughter returned home. I looked at the confused little girl.

"Honey..." I began. Then I decided better of it and flipped her off and walked out the door, to my truck.