Objective perspective:

4. The heart of war.

T: Yes I am aware of how long it has been between updates but I'm currently doing the support thing so have had little time to think of myself! I'll do what I can to finish this though, especially with such praise as bestowed by the reviews I've been having.

The pace will be picking up (thank goodness) and I'll most likely be twiddling with perspectives a little so stay awake! Warnings remain the same and the boys et all not mine.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The weeks had rolled by with little to mark them other than the change in attitude from those about me.

Duo had settled quickly from his upset on my inauguration into this collective and with his rather chaotic expertise in computer hacking we had begun to track Lyanna down. Despite this time together, however, I had cleared little dust from the mystery surrounding the boy and had put the matter aside until Duo felt me ready to hear the tail.

Quatre had taken it upon himself to educate me in the dynamics of the group and to impart to me all the knowledge regarding the others that I would need to hold a conversation.

This information ment that I no longer felt difficult when with the boys on a one to one basis or when they were together and that I too now felt part of this odd family.

I had held a coded communiqué with the scientist behind the Gundams and stocked full of both their knowledge and my own I had drafted a brief of all the machines strengths and weaknesses in my head. We were fighting a war, after all and though I remained on the Peacemillion at all times the boys often went on missions to wound the enemy.

The end was coming fast, this I knew without having to be told, for the boys often sat in silence when they were together and such gatherings of the five of them in one room happened with less and less frequency.

Indeed on the eve of Christmas Eve Duo came to my room and with his typical empty smile said,

"Lana, could we have a chat?" Intrigued despite myself I replied,

"Of course, Duo, sit yourself down." He did as commanded and the jesters mask falling he began with,

"It looks like the last battle will be tomorrow. The Troops from Earth have been making a beeline in this direction and Zechs has been issuing some interesting orders.

"Promise me you'll keep your head down, your little girl needs you safe and secure after all."

"I'll do what I can Duo."

"Good, then promise me you'll stop worrying about me…and don't go trying to deny it, Quatre's a good friend and blabs when the heats on." A pause then,

"We've all got our daemons and that's the real reason we get on so well, you know, despite the clashing of our personalities.

"Trowa and Heero have known nothing else but warfare, Trowa was raised in battle and Heero…Heero has been programmed for it. Quatre and Wu-fie have both lost someone dear to them, Wu-fie because he refused to fight and Quatre because he had to."

"What about you, Duo?" I enquired and he smiled a true smile and replied,

"Me, I'm a bit of both. The war killed my parents before I can recall and I was raised on the streets. I learned to grab what little life gave me and hold it hard until it faded away…course sometimes holding on isn't enough; you've got to fight as well.

"I fought to save the boy who raised me and I failed, I fought to save the people that became my parents after that, the church that became my home and all my fight brought was death and destruction.

"I fight now to save their souls, to save mine and god help me to save Heero's as well, because if I stop fighting all the hurt I have had to feel will taint others, do you understand? Because if I stop fighting then the war will carry on and take the lives of others like us.

"So that's why you can't worry, Lana, because this is what I am while the war remains."

"What about after the war, Duo? What's left for you when you've stopped the fighting?"

"Heh, you really are smart aren't you? I'll think about the end when it comes, Lana and not before, hopes a starved commodity here about and it won't help any to go wasting it on what ifs." The Jesters mask fell back on then and with a curt nod he was gone.

So many burdens for one so young to carry, enough so that the false pre-tense of Shinigami finally made sense.

"Do you have your answers now?" That was Heero whom had entered my quarters and was lent against the doorframe.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

She starts a little at my enquiry and I find myself oddly elated at the lack of situational awareness she shows.

"It was unfair to eavesdrop."

"It was necessary, the fighting integrity of the unit had been compromised after all." Her face twists in such a way that makes her appear as if she has eaten something un-pleasurable.

She does not care for my method of interaction, this I know well from listening to her conversations with Winner and though her opinions matter little to me I am aggravated that she did not simply voice them to me in person.

"Duo pours his soul out and all that concerns you is the integrity of your unit? You truly are nothing more than a weapon are you?" She enquires.

That word wounds me in a way only it can and again I think of that girl and her dog…why does that memory plague me always? Was it because I failed, or because an innocent died at my hand?

My training would have me think the former and yet I have failed many times since, and though those failures sting they do not haunt me.

It is the latter then, but why if emotion is an unnecessary factor, should that be the case? I have had many years of perfecting my skills as a pilot and of pushing away unnecessary distractions that might otherwise compromise that skill. Despite this training she haunts me still…

This stranger may be able to tell me why and though I am loathed to expose my weaknesses to any for fear of exploitation I find myself enquiring,

"Would that be such a bad thing?" Before I have even had the time to process the decision further.

She seems startled by the enquiry, but it is not a negative surprise for a moment later she smiles one of her knowing smiles and enquires,

"Would you be fighting so hard, Heero, if you were not assured that the peace you fight for will be protected? Would you fight, like Duo, simply so others did not have to?

"Why do you want this peace, Heero? Why do you fight for something that shall destroy all necessity for you as you are now?"

"I fight because I must, because without one such as myself to fight this war it shall never end. I am willing to die so that the peace can be assured, willing to give that ultimate sacrifice."

"But why? I believe, as Quatre that you protect Relena simply for the preservation of your peace and so if you are not fighting for her…"

"I have no reason." I replied and she shivered for the sincerity in my voice.

"Perhaps it is time you find one, Heero. Though it is true that you should be willing to sacrifice yourself if the need arise, you should also have a purpose to your fight.

"Otherwise you become no better than your enemy, slaughtering without cause and without heart."

"Surly even if you are fighting for a cause you are still no better than you enemy. It is simply a matter of perspective, after all."

"True enough, but if you are fighting simply for the sake of it what shall be left of your life at the end?"

"So if I found purpose it would aid me in my fight?"

"Perhaps. It would most defiantly aid you when peace came." She replied.

Though it was against the principles that J had bestowed to me as I trained it made some salient points.

Perhaps I could fight to stop the killing, to assure that no more little girls were killed in as senseless a fashion as she who haunted my thoughts…it sounded eerily akin to Duo's purpose for fighting, yet he had wanted to fight for me also, for the purity of my soul.

Why? It was something I could not ask this woman and something dare not ask Duo. He was a fellow Gundam pilot and to show him this weakness inside of me was unthinkable and yet…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I watched it play out on Peacemillion's monitor until the very last instant and then as the other members of the crew I evacuated the burning ship and found my way onto barge.

The journey gave me to time to see Relena for myself and as Heero before me I saw the possibilities the girl held within her hands. Saw her charisma, her strength and her will.

I also saw the fragile child beneath that veneer and again as Heero before me I felt the necessity to protect that child from harm and to protect the peace at the same time.

That was why I decided to aid the boys as best I could in the battle and thus when we reached barge I enquired after an empty room and, once I had typed in the necessary information to connect me to the boy's communication network, I began to monitor their movements that way.

I heard both Une's announcement and the colonies through the ships intercom and though I knew such things were important for the solidity of the peace I dismissed them quickly. Everything hinged on halting Libra's path after all.

I am ashamed to admit now that it was not only Zero who convinced Heero to pursue the fragment of Libra , but at the time I believed he would do as he had been prepared to and though his life ment little in the great scheme of things I could not see him sacrifice himself needlessly.

It was a comfort, therefore, to hear his words as he aimed his buster rifle and I knew that after this day he would change, just a little, but enough so that his humanity could be reclaimed.

I participated in history that day and I knew peace would be ours the moment Heero succeeded and yet…

I felt my elation fade, for with the war gone what would the boys do now? What life was there for those who had lost the one thing that defined their existence?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

T: One-maybe two chapters left, will most defiantly be covering the Mariemaia incident and the slash will be sneaking in slightly more obviously.

No promises as to next update…will do my best!