Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just use them in my little theatre of cruelty, I mean, creativity. :)

Author's note: Here we go again. Thank you melihobbit for reviewing my fanfiction. (If you hadn't noticed, I give special mentions to anyone who reviews this so R&R...who knows?)

--Internal Ship Messaging--
CottageCheese: logon
CottageCheese: Help me!!!
LuvsArnie: What?
CottageCheese: I don't know what to do!
LuvsArnie: About...?
CottageCheese: What do you think? DAVE!
LuvsArnie: Oh, are you STILL on that??? Honey, you've been in love with the guy pretty much from the start of my pregnancy!
CottageCheese: Yeah...
LuvsArnie: And he's been in love with you for years.
CottageCheese: I'm listening...
LuvsArnie: Jesus, Kris, I can't make this much clearer! ASK HIM OUT!
CottageCheese: But, what if he says no?
LuvsArnie: Please, that is not gonna happen.
CottageCheese: How do you know?
LuvsArnie: Look, I'm bored of having this same conversation. If you don't tell him how you feel, then I will - this pregnancy is making me ultra-irrational, I will not accept compromise.
CottageCheese: OK. I'm gonna tell him.
LuvsArnie: Yay!
CottageCheese: How should I do it?
LuvsArnie: Oh my God, I don't know! Can't you think of something?
CottageCheese: No, I'm too nervous!
LuvsArnie: Aw! OK, well, why don't you....
CottageCheese: What?
LuvsArnie: Sorry, drifted off into a reverie for a minute there. I was thinking about how Arnie told me he loved me. When I was going to leave and he stopped me.
CottageCheese: Ooh, tell me how he did it!
LuvsArnie: What, so you can do exactly the same thing? I don't think so! What happened on that day is strictly between me and Arn.
LuvsArnie: And, as it turned out, Holly.
CottageCheese: Please??? I promise I won't use it. I just want to know.
LuvsArnie: OK, fine.
LuvsArnie: Well, I had just told the guys I was leaving and I was walking down the corridor. About five minutes passed and I gave up all hope that someone was going to stop me, but then Arn came running up behind me. He grabbed my arm and span me round. He looked deep into my eyes and he told me he loved me and would do anything to get me to stay. Then, unsurprisingly, he started rambling, but I didn't care. It was a thrill to hear his voice - I know it sounds silly, but when you love someone as I much as I love him (or you love Dave) you can't hear their voice enough. Then he put his hands on my waist and pulled me close to him. He brought his arms around my back and ran one hand through my hair. Then he gently pushed my head into his chest and kissed my forehead. I put my arms around him and he asked me to stay.
CottageCheese: And what did you say?
LuvsArnie: I said, "Bog off, Hat-rack Head," and ran away to the nearest planet. What do you think I said!?
CottageCheese: Sorry. I got caught up in the moment. So then what happened?
LuvsArnie: We kissed. Then he put his hand in his pocket, not breaking away, and put a ring on my finger. I broke the kiss and he immediately said, "Will you marry me?"
CottageCheese: Awww! I won't ask what you said - if the rock on your finger is anything to go by, I think I know the answer!
LuvsArnie: Sorry, I have to go; it's the hormones; I need to get a tissue.
CottageCheese: Me too! See you later?
LuvsArnie: Yep, bye. And good luck!
CottageCheese: Thanks! Bye.
LuvsArnie: logoff
CottageCheese: logoff

Journal of: DAVE LISTER
She loves me!!! She loves me, she loves me, she loves me! SHE LOVES ME!!!

Diary of Kristine Z. Kochanski
Dear Diary,
I told him. I told him I loved him.
We hugged and kissed and talked and.........oh, it was so amazing! I've NEVER been happier!

To do:
1. Finish sewing hem on pink suit (the one with the blue spangles, not the one with the silver buttons)
2. Buff white shoes (#2807)
3. Take a nap
4. Wander round for a bit
5. Take a nap
6. Try to have sex with something
7. Take a long nap (I hear sex is quite tiring)
8. Preen
9. Take a nap
10. You could help us get the supplies from that derelict - Nikki

--Internal Ship Messaging--
SexyBeast: logon
SexyBeast: How the hell did you get hold of my list?
LuvsArnie: It wasn't difficult. All I had to do was look on the floor of one of the corridors. I'm not proud ;)
LuvsArnie: logoff
SexyBeast: Huh???
SexyBeast: logoff

Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
Wow! The baby kicked! It was incredible, I was just sitting there brushing up on my Astronavigation skills (which reminds me: I must find out once and for all what the smeg a 'quasar' is), Nikki was sitting reading the pregnancy guide when she suddenly gasped. Thinking she may have gone into labour prematurely, I immediately leapt to her aid. She, however, just laughed. She grabbed my hand - the one that wasn't holding the panic button - and placed it on her belly. And I felt it. I felt my child move. It felt lik

Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
The baby's moving! I can feel it right now! Oh, it's bizarre! It was wonderful when it happened the first time: Arnie was reading "Astronavigation for Absolute Beginners," looking rather confused, and I was looking up month five in the pregnancy book. I was on the part where it said "You may also begin to feel the baby move during this month," and it did! It was magical! Arn, however, descended into panic. He couldn't stop screaming "Oh my God, she's giving birth!" I was trying to tell him that it was just kicking, but he couldn't hear me over the top of the panic alarm, so in the end I just shoved his hand on my stomach. That shut him up.
Oh God, he's started complaining again. Got to go.

MediScan results:
Sex: M
Age: n/a - hologram
Crew No.: 0168
I.D: Rimmer RD02-168
Health: Good - moderate

Symptoms: Hologram malfunctioning: fuzzy image; muffled hearing; unclear vision; inability to sustain hard-light state
Diagnosis: Faulty chip
Prescription: --

Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
Oh this stupid crappy smegging bloody awful crate! I HATE this ship. I've had to get Nikki to write this for me because my stupid crappy smegging bloody awful hologram is malfunctioning and I can't hold a pen. Which means I also can't feel the baby moving. Death sucks.
I still love you - Nikki x x

John Wayne Fan Club
21 Farnsworth St
Kim-kwat
Saturn
PL6 SS

Dear Mr Wayne,
As your two biggest fans, we feel we have been unfairly treated: we purchased two copies of both "Stagecoach" and "The Long Voyage Home", and three of "True Grit". Upon careful studying and comparison of these films, we have found that "Stagecoach" #1, is 0.056 seconds shorter than "Stagecoach" #2; "The Long Voyage Home" #2 fails to include the credit for 'Cowboy #348'; and two of the three copies of "True Grit" do not play in the video players on Y-Deck.
As much as we respect you, we want compensation.
Now.
And can we have a few hundred signed portraits, please?
Respectfully,
Bob and Madge
x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x