Disclaimer: I think we've discussed this before....
Author's note: Sunrise over the Tango Factory, in accordance with your wishes, I will no longer give you special mentions...oh, damn it! Anyway, I was listening to 'Anastacia- Where do I belong?' and I heard the lyric "life doesn't promise a bed of roses" and I thought to myself, 'yeah, my fanfic is too flowery and nice,' so I gave Rimmer a bit of a hologrammatic problem in the last chapter, and it doesn't exactly get any better for the Red Dwarf crew in the next couple.
Red Dwarf Issue - Guide to Pregnancy
The Sixth Month...
Your Body:
You may gain 3-4 pounds this month. Your feet may start to swell - putting your feet up may help reduce any ankle swelling that may occur. Shop for wide, comfortable shoes with a flat heel.
Your Diet:
You may crave certain foods or find other foods intolerable. If this happens, try to find substitutes that will provide the right nutrients.
Your feelings:
You may start to feel incredibly frustrated around this month, with all the physical changes and the cravings. Again, talk to your partner.
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
The cravings are hell. The mashed bananas with sugar I can understand, and I've read that many pregnant women feel the urge to suck coal, but lemon chicken bedded on meringue!? Mm. I'm hungry now! Gotta go.
-Play message-
Mister Rimmer, sir, could you please come down to the MediBay; I believe I have discovered the problem with your hard-light projection unit and I have attempted to repair it.
--Internal Ship Messaging--
Currylover169: logon
Currylover169: Thankyou!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!
LuvsArnie: Er...no problem. What did I do?
Currylover169: You brought me and Krissy together!
LuvsArnie: That was ages ago! You've thanked me several times, you can stop now!
Currylover169: Well, I want it to be known that I am eternally grateful to you. Rimmer's a lucky guy.
LuvsArnie: I try my best ;)
Currylover169: As a (final) thankyou, I'd love if you and Rimmer would come over for dinner tonight
LuvsArnie: Sure, as long as it's not curry
Currylover169: What?! Why?
LuvsArnie: Can't keep it down
Currylover169: Erm, well, we can have something else I suppose. Your choice, you're the woman of the hour!
LuvsArnie: Oh my god
LuvsArnie: Where's Arn?
CUrrylover169: I dunno. Why?
LuvsArnie: It hurts!
Currylover169: What hurts???
LuvsArnie: Something, I don't know. It's the baby
Currylover169: Oh my god! OK, get down to the MediBay, I'll meet you there. Stay calm
LuvsArnie: OK
LuvsArnie: logoff
Currylover169: logoff
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
That was scary! I felt something really odd, like the baby was kicking or moving, but more intense - it didn't feel good. Then it started hurting. Lister was so wonderful. He met me outside the MediBay (it would have been inside the MediBay, but I couldn't walk any more) and he led me in. Arnie was in there sorting out his hologram problem with Kryten. Naturally, he started panicking, which didn't really help me. I passed out for a bit, I think, then
--Internal Ship Messaging--
IQ6000: logon
IQ6000: Are you OK now?
LuvsArnie: Yes, it was just Braxton Hicks contractions: "mild discomfort." Yeah, right.
IQ6000: As long as you're feeling better
LuvsArnie: Yeh, I am thanks, Hol. It was horrible though.
IQ6000: I bet it was
LuvsArnie: I tried recording it in my diary and I just couldn't - it was too painful
IQ6000: At least you have the chance to experience Braxton Hicks
LuvsArnie: No, sorry, you're going to have to explain that one
IQ6000: Well, at least you're pregnant. As a computer I can't have children
LuvsArnie: Oh. Sorry. I must seem very selfish
IQ6000: No, no, no. Pregnancy most definitely has its drawbacks
LuvsArnie: You can say that again
IQ6000: Pregnancy most definitely has its drawbacks
LuvsArnie: Yes, remind me to explain sarcasm to you again, Hol
LuvsArnie: Hang on. I remember reading somewhere that computers can reproduce
IQ6000: Really?
LuvsArnie: Sort of. You take half of one computer's jurisdiction; download it to half of another's, and bingo!
IQ6000: Sounds a bit forced to me
LuvsArnie: Yes, but you'd have children
IQ6000: One drawback: who would be the other computer?
LuvsArnie: Ah, good point
IQ6000: Still, cables crossed, we might find a handsome male computer in charge of a derelict somewhere
IQ6000: Anyway, how's Rimmer?
LuvsArnie: Since when do you care about Arn?
IQ6000: Since he became a father
LuvsArnie: Oh. Well, he's OK - he's just a bit pissed off that he can't touch anything. I don't know why he's complaining, he spends most of his time in soft-light form anyway
IQ6000: Yes, but think about it - he always had the option. Now he is COMPLETELY helpless. He can't feel the baby, or help you with anything, or be of any value whatsoever. It's like he used to be, before you joined us.
LuvsArnie: I'm quite tired now. Could you get Kryten to bring up some bananas and sugar for me? I'm going to try and get some rest.
IQ6000: Sure. Night, Nik.
LuvsArnie: logoff
IQ6000: logoff
To: KKochanski
From: DLister
Subject: Last night
Last night was amazing! I love you so much, Kris. Do you want to have dinner tonight? I thought I could treat you at Parrot's Bar, then take you for a romantic walk in the arburitom. What do you say? 7:30 tonight? Please, please, please say yes!
I love you!
Love Dave
PS Can you wear that skirt that you wore last night?
To: DLister
From: KKochanski
Subject: Re: Last night
I'd love to, but can we make it 8? I need time to get ready. And, sorry, but I was planning on wearing a different skirt.
Love you always,
Kris
PS It's spelled 'arboretum' not 'arburitom'
To: KKochanski
From: DLister
Subject: Re: Last night
What's wrong with the other skirt? It looked so stylish, so sophisticated, so short!
Dave
PS I love you to bits and everything, but can you please stop correcting my spelling?
To: DLister
From: KKochanski
Subject: Re: Last night
Sorry. Coming from the best CG school in Britain, I've been trained to sniff out dodgy grammar. I'll stop it, I promise. And regarding the skirt: the one I had in mind is a good two inches shorter than the one I wore last night. But I'll wear the other one if that's what you want.
Love Krissy
x x x x x x x
To: KKochanski
From: DLister
Subject: Re: Last night
OK, wear the new skirt if you really must ;)
All my love
Dave x x x
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
Well, my hologram's been fixed at long last. I should have known it would take twice a long as it would have done normally, with Kryten and Holly at the helm. Plus, Holly has been acting very strangely lately - she has a weird, sort of, dopey look in her eyes. Dopier than usual, I mean. Every time I mentioned something about the baby she went quiet.
Oh no.
Don't tell me the stupid goit wants children. She's a computer for smeg's sake! Who was the idiotic gimboid who put the idea of babies into her head???
Actually, I think I can guess. And I take it back - she's NOT an idiotic gimboid at all, she's amazing, I love her. But sometimes she can be a bit...dappy.
I love you too - Nikki x x
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
My feet are KILLING me! I swear, they look like two huge boats on the ends of my legs. Every time the baby moves now, I get insecure. It's horrible. Kryten says I should get over it in time. Which doesn't really help.
I love you too, Nikki, but stop reading my diary - Arnie x
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
You can talk! Besides, it's the only decent reading material around here - Nik
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
Good to know my life is so amusing to you. Do you need anything? - Arn x x x x x
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
Foot rub would be nice... - Nik x
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
Why are we writing in each other's diaries when we're in the same room?
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
I don't know. You started it
Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
Actually, you did
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC - Red Dwarf Standard Logbook
Did I? Oh, sorry. I'll stop, then. Love you to pieces - Nikki x x x
PS Foot rub...?
Parrot's Bar Menu
Where the smeg is he? He said he'd pick me up at eight, but he didn't show up so I
Starter
thought I'd got it wrong, and we were actually meeting at Parrot's. So I rushed
Shrimp Cocktail - $£2.49
down here, but he wasn't here. And he still isn't here. I don't want to go in case he
Shame kebab - $£2.95
turns up and he thinks I didn't bother showing up. He did say tonight, didn't he?
Minestrone - $£3.25
Yes, he must have. Now it's 9:20 and I'm sitting here, alone, writing on a menu.
Main
And now I'm crying. He'd better have a good excuse for not turning up. I'm going.
Orecchiette Small Pasta Shells with Fire-roasted Vegetables, Garlic, Basil, and Parmesan Shavings - $£7.75
Maybe I should wait five more minutes. I wish there was a computer in here, I
Rack of Lamb served with Chianti Sauce and Baby Vegetables - $£8.50
could ISM him. Or Nikki. Or Holly.This menu is making me hungry. The Rack of
Smoked Trout with crisp Pancetta served with Basil Cream - $£9.95
Lamb looks delicious. Oh, Dave, where are you?
Dessert
If he does show up, I'd better say 'no' to a dessert. They all look so yummy, but
Pancakes Lemon, Strawberry, Wild Berry or Chocolate - $£3.00
they're probably really fattening. It's 9:30. I'm off.
Cheesecake Raspberry or Strawberry - $£4.50
Souffle Vanilla, Chestnut, Cherry or Chocolate - $£5.00