Usually, I don't do songfics, but after reading the excellent submissions to checkmated's New Year's kiss challenge, I felt inspired, and this sprang to mind. It goes along with my previous story, Night, but they can be read seperately. There are still many holes that the two stories leave open. Some I have left on purpose, and others are the victim of my life. Reviews and constructive criticism are always appreciated.
If you recognize it, it can't be mine. This particularly applies to Remus Lupin and Evanescence's "My Immortal." I think that Stacia might be mine, but I could be wrong…
I'm so tired of being here
Remus Lupin—now Professor Lupin—placed his quill down. The last of the fifth-year papers had been graded. It was New Year's Eve, still quite early in the day. The last of his work had now been caught up with; he could "enjoy" what was left of the holiday.
As usual, he found himself drawn to the trophy case. Rows of plaques gleamed up at him. "I wonder which poor student got forced into polishing all of these this year," he thought with a small smile. It was an annual event; one of the first detentions of the year was to polish the trophy case—without magic. James had had the honor their seventh year, particularly annoyed that the plaque for the last year's quidditch cup team wasn't for Gryffindor. It was a problem that he helped rectify by the end of the season.
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
His sixth year trophy bore the Hufflepuff name and crest. "Creighton McAndrew, keeper; Patrick Yee, chaser; Lourdes Carpenter, chaser; Laura Taylor, chaser; Stacia Ormsby, beater, team captain…" Remus turned away, a pained look on his face. It had been kind of Dumbledore to offer him this position, but it was proving to be too much for him. Too many memories surrounded this place; too many ghosts haunted his presence.
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
James, Stacia, Lily, Peter, Frank, too many of the children that he had shared his days here with had fallen, either physically or mentally, in the First War. Their spirits hovered about him as he went about his daily activities. When it was time to teach class, their faces would stare back at him, only in the slightly altered forms of their children. "One day I'm going to slip up and call Harry 'James;' I just hope that I don't ever call poor Neville 'Alice!'" Remus thought with a half smile.
There was one face that never stared back at him, however, and that was the face that hurt him the most. Tucked away in the back of his mind was the image of a child with curly hair and green eyes. The child probably belonged in the first year class at best, but sometimes would fail to appear elsewhere. A little boy or girl with his eyes and Stacia's smile.
These wounds won't seem to heal
In twelve years he'd traveled across Europe. He'd held countless jobs and met myriad people. He'd learned to live with himself again, but barely and nothing more. The reality of the events surrounding that Halloween night had never completely left him.
This pain is just too real
Sirius was stalking the castle; Lily was staring at daily him from James's face.
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Remus quickly walked back to his office. The monotony of preparing lessons was far better than the memories of what was and what might have been. Once there, he shut the door and leaned against it.
After a few moments he felt calm again. Turning towards his desk, his gaze swung to a small frame. Tucked behind a cup of quills, it was still visible, but just barely. Inside was a photograph of a young woman. A mess of shaggy red curls framed hazel eyes and a wide smile. She winked cheekily at Remus. Remus rubbed his eyes. It was a Muggle photograph; he had kept it only because it didn't move.
Shaking his head, he walked towards the desk smiling. He'd been grading papers too long; his eyes were playing tricks on him. Wouldn't Severus take pleasure in this moment? Laughing to himself, he picked up the photo and traced the line of Stacia's cheek with his thumb. The photo smiled back at him, scrunching her eyes and nose in an even bigger grin.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Remus placed the photo back down on the desk and staggered towards the door. He needed fresh air. Dazedly, he found his way to the front door and headed across the grounds towards Hogsmeade. He was only semi-aware of apparating once he reached the village's border.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Stacia Dierdre Ormsby looked dazedly into the parlour. She blinked quickly and shook her head. Who was she, and what was she doing here? Colleen Ormsby turned to her daughter with a worried look in her eyes.
"What's wrong, dear?" Stacia kept looking from her hands to the room, cocking her head as if looking for something in particular. Stacia stepped away from her mother's side, gazing more intently at her hands. Colleen stepped up by her daughter and asked firmly but gently, "Stacia, tell me what is the matter."
The look on Stacia's face was far away. "It's gone," she answered. Then, with mounting panic in her voice, "it's gone, I can't find it, I have to look for it!" Stacia moved to flee the room, when Colleen gripped her upper arm.
"What is gone, Stacia? Tell your mother."
"My engagement ring, I can't find it! Where is he, he can't know that I've lost it, he'll think that I don't want to marry him. I've got to find it before he gets back!"
Colleen forced her face to remain blank. The last thing she needed was Stacia sensing her worry. For twelve years the Ormsbys had helped their daughter recover, and to protect her they had lied about the past she had forgotten. Moments like these came more frequently than the family liked, but they couldn't risk loosing her again. "Far better it she think she's mad than know she's sane and get herself killed or worse," Colleen rationalized.
"You're not engaged, love. There is no 'he.' You never were and there never was. You were in a terrible car accident, remember? It's just your poor little mind playing tricks on you."
"But I can hear him, I can see him, Mum, he's real. He's just got to be!" Stacia looked at her mother's gentle face. Stacia's voice cracked as she added, "doesn't he?"
"Stacia, do you know where you are?"
"Home. I'm home and it's the New Year's Eve party." Her voice was defeated and her shoulders hung. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "It all just seemed so real."
Colleen patted her daughter's shoulder reassuringly. "I'll go get you a drink."
Stacia watched her mother turn and leave. A tear threatened to escape, but she quickly blinked it back. "Mum's right," she told herself. She repeated the lines that had been her mantra these past years. "I was in a terrible car accident. My best friend, Lily, was killed and I almost died. I have amnesia caused by brain damage. This is my life, here, at home with my parents."
"Here you are, dear. Drink it, it will help." Colleen handed Stacia a glass of ice water. "Will you be all right, love? I need to get back to your father."
Stacia nodded. Colleen placed her hand on her eldest child's cheek. "Poor wee one," she murmured, then smiled and walked away.
Stacia took a sip of the cool liquid and turned away from the party. Her head was still spinning; she needed some fresh air. She kept repeating her mantra to herself, but the closer to the door she came, the more her thoughts began to slip into the world she'd been taught was just a dream.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
"I was in a terrible car accident.
"Surely someone loved me before then.
"My best friend, Lily, was killed and I almost died.
"Did Lily have a baby?
"I have amnesia caused by brain damage.
"Men don't turn into wolves and things. You've been up watching Pem's horror movies again.
"This is my life, here, at home with my parents.
"But, where was it before?"
Stacia practically ran the last few steps out to the porch. Leaning against the railing she attempted to calmly sip the water, but to no avail. The thoughts and images were spilling into her brain faster than she could keep them out. Setting down the glass, she pressed her fingers to her temples.
"No," she tried to tell herself. "It's all just a dream."
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
A cold wind blew against Stacia's back. Turning, she looked out upon an empty street. She let the cold wind hit her in the face in an attempt to bring back her senses. Over by a streetlight, it looked for a moment as if something moved, and instinctively Stacia reached out towards the light, tears spilling down her cheeks.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Remus stepped away from the streetlight. Even using a Disillusionment spell he needed to be careful not to be noticed. He gasped at the sight of Stacia standing on the porch, reaching out towards him. He wanted to run to her, take her in his arms and apologize for ever letting her go. Instead, he did what he had done twelve years before—nothing.
Softly in the distance a church bell chimed. The thought of spending another year without her was unbearable, but so was the idea that he could offer her nothing. Here, she was a fine lady wearing a beautiful dress and living in a house with servants. Even if somehow he managed to keep his teaching position, he couldn't afford to keep her in conditions such as these.
They had been fools all those years ago, Remus told himself. Young and foolish…and hopelessly in love.
"I still love you with all that I am," Remus whispered, and raising his fingers to his lips, blew a kiss through the night.