Disclaimer: No. I don't own them. End of story.

Author's note: Here it comes! The first birth in over 3,000,000 years. This truly is epoch making...

Red Dwarf Issue - Guide to Pregnancy
The Ninth Month...
Your body:
You may gain 3-4 pounds this month. Your stomach may change shape as the baby begins to position itself for birth. It may be easier to breathe now, but you may have to urinate more often. Get plenty of rest!
Your diet:
Keep up a healthy, balanced diet with plenty if iron and vitamins. This applies for just after the pregnancy as your body adjusts to not being pregnant. Drink plenty of warm fluids to avoid discomfort as the baby moves.
Your feelings:
You may be feeling mixed emotions as the pregnancy draws to a close. If you surpass your due date by more than a week or so, you may become uncomfortable and irritable. As always, talk to your partner.
AND GOOD LUCK!

Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
I am NOT feeling well. God knows what it is I've contracted. I just hope it's a pregnancy thing and no one else gets it. Kris and Dave are back together - I'd barely noticed they were apart, actually, I was quite busy, fainting. Oh, I have to pee again.

Diary of Kristine Z. Kochanski
Dear Diary,
This is what a very sexually fulfilled woman writes in their diary:
WOW!
Dave is incredible! He's so considerate, kind and passionate. He reminds me of my Dave. Actually, no, he doesn't. Because 'My Dave' doesn't exist any more. This Dave is 'My Dave'. It feels surprisingly good to say that. Never thought I'd be saying it about Lister. WOW!

--Internal Ship Messaging--
CottageCheese: logon
CottageCheese: Hi, sailor. I have to say, after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees
Licketysplit: Nice to know
CottageCheese: Oh shit, wrong person!
Licketysplit: You don't say
Licketysplit: logoff
CottageCheese: logoff

--Internal Ship Messaging--
CottageCheese: logon
CottageCheese: Hiya, babe. I was wondering if you wanted to come round tonight and who knows: maybe you'll be tying ME up...;)
Series4000: Excuse me, ma'am?
CottageCheese: Bloody hell!!!
CottageCheese: logoff
Series4000: logoff

--Internal Ship Messaging--
CottageCheese: logon
CottageCheese: Dave?
Currylover169: Yeah?
CottageCheese: Oh thank God! Do you want to come round tonight?
Currylover169: Sure. Can I tie you up this time?
CottageCheese: I already suggested that to Kryten
Currylover169: What?
CottageCheese: Never mind. Come round about 9ish
Currylover169: OK. Do you think you can you get strawberry sauce this time? Don't get me wrong, the toffee was fine, and the sensation was...indescribable ;) but I have to admit, I felt a little sick
CottageCheese: Oh, sure, sure. See you tonight, lover!
Currylover169: Love you
CottageCheese: I love you
Currylover169: Ha! I beat ya!
Currylover169: logoff
CottageCheese: logoff

Nicole G. Adler's Personal Thoughts...
This baby thinks my bladder is a plaything, I swear. And it's getting harder and harder to haul myself onto my feet without a little help. I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over.
Although, I'll miss it in a way. The last nine months have been SO great and everyone's been so supportive, especially Arnie (and Holly in the maternal state she's in!). I guess that
WOAH! What the smeg was that?
Oh God.
I think I'm about to find out if I'll miss pregnancy or not. I need to find Arnold.

To: ARimmer; DLister; KKochanski; WHolloway
From: NAdler
Subject: Baby time ARimmer; DLister; KKochanski; WHolloway NAdler Baby time

Someone please get this message! My waters have broken, I'm in labour. I need to get hold of Kryten and Arn and get them to the MediBay.
Nik

Journal of: DAVE LISTER
Every night with Kris gets better. I love her so much, she's so amazing. She's even admitted that she loves me more than she loved 'Her Dave'. I made it seem like I didn't care, but honestly that is the best news I've heard in a long time! Ooh, email!
Jesus Christ! Nikki's in smegging labour!

Cat's thoughts: (IF ANY! - Lister)
I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Writing hundreds of exclamation points only amuses for so long. I think I'll buff my shoes. Wait, I have an e-mail!!! Not that I don't always get e-mails, because I am so DAMN popular...oh forget it. What does it say?
Fatty's in labour, apparently. What does that mean? Well, she needs to go to the MediBay, so it must be serious. And the subject is 'Baby time'. Oh my God! She's having the baby! Oh my God! I worked something out! I'm smart!!!

MediBay Report
1601 -Recording started by Holly
1601 -Adler, Nicole G. and Lister, David arrive at MediBay
1604 -Rimmer, Arnold J. and Kochanski, Kristine Z. arrive at MediBay
1605 -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints
1608 -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round
1610 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints
1612 -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round -Holly leaves MediBay
1615 -Unknown creature arrives at MediBay
1617 -Unknown creature leaves MediBay
1625 -Unknown mechanoid arrives at MediBay
1640 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1658 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1716 -Holly arrives at MediBay
1719 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1737 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1754 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1802 -Lister, David leaves MediBay
1810 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1819 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
1821 -Lister, David arrives at MediBay
1822 -Recording ended by Rimmer, Arnold J.

2350 -Recording started by Lister, David
2350 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
2352 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
2353 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Kochanski, Kristine Z. and Unknown creature arrive at MediBay
2354 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
2355 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
2356 -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction -Adler, Nicole G. has contraction
2357 -Adler, Nicole G. starts pushing
0000 -Baby confirmed as girl -Rimmer, Arnold J. faints
0002 -Baby born -Rimmer, Arnold J. comes round
0003 -Umbilical cord cut by Unknown mechanoid -Baby girl handed to Adler, Nicole G.
0005 -Recording ended by Kochanski, Kristine Z.