Chapter 9

And I know you're shinning down on me from Heaven

Like so many friends we lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day …

I had no idea for how long I had been sitting on the floor. I had no idea if it was day or night; I had no recollection of anything. I stopped crying, and then I started again, over and over, several times. Sirius was not speaking. Nor was Remus. I did not know where little Peter was.

 Finally, after a couple of hours I got up. Getting a tissue from my bedside table I dried my eyes and left to speak to the Head of our House.

"I'm going to go see McGonagall. " I said. They didn't ask why. Truth was, I wanted to find out about the funeral.

The Gryffindors gave me weird looks as I passed them. I was Head Girl, they obviously wanted to know the details of the passing of their Quidditch captain and Head Boy. But I was in no condition to speak of it. I wasn't even sure if I would make it to the teacher's office.

As I made my way down the corridors, I indeed noticed more people staring. I felt tears well up in my eyes. But I was not about to let the entire school see me cry. I knocked on McGonagall's door.

"Come in." her voice was shaking as well.

"Professor …"

"Miss Evans …" she was holding a tissue and did not say anything, as she motioned for me to sit down. I sat down and opened my mouth to ask the things I had come to ask.

"Professor … James' funeral… " No sooner had the words left my mouth that I broke into sobs once more. The once so stiff professor circled her desk and hugged me.

"It'll be ok Lily, you'll see… The funeral's on Sunday. James' parents are arriving tonight. "

I sighed, trying to compose myself.

"Can I see him?"

"The nurse thinks it's best if you do not right now. In any event, it would be best if we left his parents alone with him for tomorrow."

I nodded. Then I got up, thanked her and left the office. Passing a group of Slytherins I was shocked to see that they had no side comment for me. Then I saw her. Alexa… I don't know her last name to this day. His girlfriend. I wanted to see if she had cried. Her eyes were dry, make-up perfect. I did not want to speak with her. She on the other hand approached me.

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

I stood shocked for a moment.

"Thank you."

"I did not date James for so long, but I know he was a great boy. He talked a lot about you. You really meant a lot to him…"

I stared at her. She must've realized what an impact her words had since she mumbled and left. I re-gathered my thoughts in order to make it back to the common room.

They were all there. Just as I had left them. Only calmer, more composed.

I walked back to my dorm and shut the curtains around me.

Flashbacks were going through my head. His eyes, his lips, his smell. Everything that seemed to return to haunt me. I dreamt of him that night. He was holding me. He was holding me tight. Then he let go, walked away, disappeared into the night.

He was gone.

***

The next day I got up very early. I put on my only pair of black pants and borrowed a black top from Andie. I had very few black clothes. Pulling my hair back in a pony tail I went to the common room, where I found Sirius and Remus waiting for me. They looked very tired and it was obvious they had had no sleep. It killed me to see them like that. Remus was grave. Graver than usual. And Sirius… His eyes had lost their usual spark and he seemed truly miserable.

We headed quietly for breakfast. Sometime during the middle of it all the headmaster stood up and motioned for us to be quiet. Not that we had been talking.

"I want you all to stand up, bow your heads and hold a moment of silence in memory of our beloved student, friend and Head Boy James Alexander Potter."

The silence was deafening. I wiped hot tears that were spilling without my permission and tried to regain composure. The hall sat down and I buried my face into Sirius' shoulder, sobbing.

That Saturday was the gloomiest day of my life. Everywhere sad faces. Sirius had packed James' things to give to his parents. He had disappeared in their company for a few hours then returned.

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

He extended a black shirt to me.

"He'd have wanted you to keep it."

It was James' favorite shirt. The one bearing a blue panther on the front. Tears were once again spilling down my face.

"Did you see him?"

He nodded. I looked at him waiting for a reply. He burst into tears and I hugged him. So James was indeed gone.

I sighed. In 48 hours my life had crumbled. After the funeral the next day, it would have been over for good.

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Author Notes:

Slightly bigger chapter. Yeah, it says in the summary. Very AU. I'm sounding really antisocial in these here notes, but I really am not. It's just that for this story I really don't know what to comment/make notes on.

I'll start by telling you all that after this expect a wave of humor ficlets from my part. I'll tell you why in the very last chapter of this.

So yeah, I'll stick around for a while. Not giving up yet. By the way. I want all you people to read the author notes, 'cause I hate getting reviews going 'But wasn't he supposed to have Harry?'. AU people. In my story, Harry Potter was never born!

Disclaimer: JK owns all. First song is owned by Mariah Carey, second one by Celine Dion.