Thank you for your reviews! Now, if you want to, you can skip these notes and go straight to the story. Enjoy!

Note1: I should have mentioned this in the first chapter. Pretty much every character is probably going to get bashed at one point or another in this fanfic. I'll admit that I'm bashing some of the characters more than others but I can't really help that though I will tell you that I actually feel pretty neutral about all the characters even though it may not seem like it. I just find that some characters are easier to bash than others. Sorry!

Note2: Originally, I wanted this whole story to have an extremely minimal amount of swearing. But that's not the case for this chapter. So beware the verbal fight in this chappie. BUT, even if an insane amount of swearing bugs you, don't worry too much, I censored most of it.

Note4: Everything is supposed to be good-natured. Sorry if something insults you, your friend or family, your religion, your hobbies, or something else. Whatever it is, I didn't mean it in a way to insult anybody.

Note5: I actually do know Groznyi's name. It was just a lame attempt at amusing some people. Didn't really work well, I could see. But thank you for telling me anyway, whoever told me. And I guess that I'll try to fit in supports. Thank you to the person who suggested that too.

Sorry for all these notes. I separated them so that they would hopefully be easier on your eyes.

Disclaimer: I own Fire Emblem. Well, actually, I don't. If I did then Fire Emblem would be a horrible game. But it's not. And so I disclaim any ownership of Fire Emblem...

Quote: "When reading somebody's name tag, make sure that you're not half blind. If you are, then the results could be... disastrous."

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----- Black Eye Shadow

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Santuraz Castle -----

Lord Helman was sitting in a chair when Ephidel appeared before him. The Lord stared at the morph. Sure, sure, it's rude and all but he couldn't help it. Ephidel had appeared in a poof of pink, glittery smoke with party confetti all around him. He paused as if waiting for applause. A few crickets found this a highly appropriate moment to chirp.

Then Ephidel snorted and said, "Tough crowd, not one bit of clapping! Well, anyway, now I'm gonna talk with you and you'll say that you don't know what to say to the pansy about his dad and then I'll say that I'll chase him away when my true intentions are to actually kill him."

Lord Helman yawned and said, "Actually I don't really care much about that sissy."

"... You owe him money don't you?"

"It's all about the money these days."

"Shut up."

Back at wherever "Eli's" Elite is-----

After a while, Mark finally arrived. "Eli" was still grumpy from being mistaken for a "beautiful and elegant girl". Bartre, for some odd reason, thought that Mark was a giant rock and, on many occasions, had tried to punch him. Why? Perhaps it was because Lowen had mistaken him for a giant rock for a few times. But I don't know why Bartre would think that Mark was a giant rock just from the mistakes that Lowen had made. After all, Lowen had only mistaken Mark for a rock for about 37 times.

"Lowen!" cried out the tactician. "I'm not a rock!"

Well, 38 times now, in just one hour too. Must be a world record.

"Eli's" Elite had just reached some spot southeast of Santuraz. At least I think so. "Eli's" Elite was walking toward Santuraz because Joe had told them to. Rebecca was still beet red after the incident with Joe and "Eli", the beautiful and elegant "young lady". Dorcas considered either committing suicide or sneaking away from Bartre and the rest of them. Marcus was reprimanding Bartre not to punch Mark but that only made Bartre want to punch a "rock" even more because of the hard words.

"Bartre!" called out the useless paladin to the stupid fighter. "I advise you not to-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! HARD WOOOOOORDS! HARD WOOOOOOOOOORDS!"

And that was how Marcus got a black eye.

"Ooooo," cooed Rebecca, "I never knew you had a thing for make-up! Nice black eye shadow! It suits you well!"

Now it was "Eli's" turn to "cough". Lowen got odd ideas about his fellow senior knight of Pherae. Bartre wanted to punch him more and Dorcas was ordered to restrain him. Or at least try to. And so, Dorcas got some "black eye shadow" too. Dorcas and Marcus refused to touch Bartre with ten-foot poles because he was "an uncivilized brute", according to Marcus, and "a total idiot", the statement of Dorcas. "Eli" was next to restrain Bartre. Or at least try to. At the end of his shift, he ended up with TWO black eyes.

"Oh wow!" squealed Rebecca in delight. "He might not look it, but Bartre is REALLY good at applying make-up! My turn's next!"

Bartre was now "an uncivilized brute", "a total idiot", and "an uncivilized, idiotic brute", courtesy of "Eli". "Eli" is so original at insults, don't you think?

All of a sudden, a guy named Zagan pops up out of a bush and challenges "Eli's" Elite. How did they know his name before he told them? Simple, it was on the nametag that he wore on a string around his neck, like one of those kindergarten nametags.

"RAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" roared Zagan. "I'M THE STRONG ZA- ZA- za- za- za..."

He looked at his nametag. Apparently, it hadn't been made for other people, but himself. Zagan forgot what the tag said and his reading skills weren't very good so he spent quite a while examining his tag.

"Poopoo?" said Lowen good-naturedly, reading the nametag for the stupid guy. That wasn't Lowen's intention. But what the heck.

"Er, yeah," said a puzzled "Poopoo", "what he said."

Most of "Eli's" Elite laughed. Marcus nearly split in half. Dorcas snorted loudly even though he had a straight face. "Eli" was rolling on the ground while clutching his stomach. Rebecca was also on the ground but she was kicking her legs in the air. Then she kicked Lowen because she thought that he had looked up her skirt before she remembered that he was half- blind and that it wouldn't have really mattered.

"SO?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY NAME?!!" howled "Poopoo" in anger. "AT LEAST I'M NOT THE ONE WEARING EYE SHADOW!"

Well, "Poopoo" did have a point. At this moment, Lowen received the call of nature.

"Mi-mi-milord?" squeaked Lowen.

"Y-yes?" replied "Eli", wiping a tear from his eye.

"I-I need to... to...'go'."

"Eli", finally regaining his wits about him, gave him permission to "go".

"'Poopoo'!" called out Marcus to the bandit. "Might we wait until my fellow knight returns so that we may fight then?"

"Why?" asked "Poopoo".

"He needs EXP."

"Uh, okay."

And so, everybody took some time off until Lowen answered the call of nature. It took a while since Lowen couldn't find the bushes and Rebecca screamed at him every time he accidentally tried to take his pants off in the open, which wasn't too much since he had only tried to do that about...26 times.

Poopoo and his buddies gathered into a circle. Goon1 said, "Hey boss, why are you letting a guy do his biz and then fight? Why don't we just fight now so that we don't have to fight one more person?"

All the goons' eyes turned to Poopoo. Poopoo said, with a confident smirk, "If someone needs EXP then that means they're weak. If he's weak that means that we can beat him. And when we beat him, we can get EXP. We can't get EXP out of battle so we're waiting for him."

This supposedly smart strategy was met with other confident smirks. However, Goon2 said, "But we can't gain EXP. That's the way it is in this game." And that was met with looks of aversion.

Well, it was too late now.

Lowen had just now finally finished his business. However, it didn't take long for everybody to notice that he was in pain. They could tell by the way he held the spot between his legs.

"I accidentally used poison ivy for toilet paper," squeaked the highly unfortunate knight.

The men shuddered at the thought and unfortunate Rebecca had to keep her mind from straying to unwanted mental images. Poor, poor Lowen, getting poison ivy in a spot such as that! He's not going to be able to sit on his horse properly for quite a while! Every guy should pity him, nobody wants that to happen. Girls shouldn't think about it too much, because if they do... ew. For the innocent ones, "Ignorance is bliss". Bartre, of course, was in the state of supposed bliss since he didn't know what the heck was going on. And the hard words made his head hurt sooooo.....

He punched Lowen in the spot where the sun doesn't shine...I'm really bashing Lowen a lot, aren't I?

Lowen let out a loud moan and fell to his knees. Thanks to that, Rebecca screamed and fainted. So now, "Eli's" Elite had to wait for an archer and a cavalier to regain their wits. The bandits tried to attack them now but since the Mark hadn't started the battle, they were mysteriously unable to move. You just have to love a game's way of stopping plot holes.

Mark estimated that it would be a good two hours before they got up. And so, he suggested a card game to pass the time.

"One joker," said Marcus as he laid down a single card facedown.

"Marcus," said "Eli" impatiently, "for one thing, there is no joker in Cheat. For another, a joker does not go with a five. Do you really know how to play Cheat?"

"Hmpf!" snorted Marcus indignantly. "Hey, at least I had really put down a joker! I didn't cheat even though that would have been really easy. Give me something for that!"

"Eli" snapped.

". . . YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DAMN FREAKIN' CHEAT YOU OLD (censored) FART!"

"DON'T TAKE THAT (censored) TONE WITH ME YOU SON OF A (censored)"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER, YOU SENILE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING (censored) EXP HOG!"

"I DON'T GIVE A (censored) DAMN, YOU PANSY!"

Meanwhile, the rest of "Eli's" Elite, save Lowen and Rebecca, enthusiastically pulled chairs up to the scene of the fight between a pansy and a senile good-for-nothing EXP hog. They even brought popcorn! Air-popped too, so that they could have thin waistlines. How else do the people in FE stay fit enough to fight? I know, Merlinus is a bit chubby but he doesn't fight. The bandits got interested too. And so, the whole company, bandits and all, except the two people who started it all, watched the fight. Heck, even the bandits got some popcorn. This went on for the remainder of the two hours. Then an egg timer went off, marking the end of the two hours. When the pansy and the good-for-nothing EXP hog realized it, World War III ended thus. The rest of the people groaned. You can't blame 'em.

Marcus spoke to "Eli" with a smile so wide that it made him pull a muscle in his jaw. "Let's forget that this had happened, milord."

"Eli" made an equally painful-looking smile and said, "Yes, Sir Marcus, let's let bygones be bygones."

Then they shook hands. The weird thing was, "Eli" cracked Marcus' metal glove and Marcus made wrinkles in "Eli's" glove. Looks like they're back to being good buddies.

Lowen and Rebecca got up only to see the disappointed faces of the rest of the gang. The bandits were too depressed to remember that Lowen and Rebecca were still equipped with weapons. Rebecca took this chance to shoot one of the bandits. Lowen tried to stab a bandit but ended up narrowly missing Marcus' head. Rats. Lowen missed again. But anyway, another lord was storming into the spot where "Eli's" Elite fought the bandits.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!" he roared.

"Lord Hector, you are not Godzilla-" stated Oswin.

Hector opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by Oswin.

"-or King Kong."

How they knew about a couple of move classics is beyond me. Well, that left Hector pondering about another giant monster type of thing to try to stump Oswin with. Oswin beat him to it.

"And you are most certainly not the Loch Ness monster, Yeti, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, or any other type of big monster type of thing. You, milord, are the younger brother of the Marquess of Ostia. Act like it! 'One' more thing- "

Before Oswin had started his speech there had been a good fifteen healthy bandits in the area. Now there was only the half-dead "Poopoo".

Mark sat down on a log and let out a breath of relief. "Phew! This sure is hard work!"

"WHAT?!" yelled "Eli". "You haven't fought and you didn't give any tactical advice! We fought on our own judgment!"

"I'm here so that the stupid people won't do anything stupid," explained the panting Mark.

"Then stop him!" cried out "Eli" as he pointed to Bartre. Bartre was now whacking his head on a tree. Nobody knows why since nobody had said much to him.

"You nuts?!" shouted Mark. "I'm a tactician! I'm supposed to give tactical advice, not stop stupid people from doing stupid things!" Mark sure knows how to get a clear point across.

"Eli" got the twitchy eye again. However, he soon got his unexpected yet vengeance when Lowen pointed toward Mark and said, "What a nice sturdy tree that has an uncanny feeling of a giant rock!"

And that was how Mark got some "eye shadow". Now Bartre was a "an uncivilized brute, "a total idiot", "an uncivilized idiotic brute", and the latest description, "a totally uncivilized idiot", heard from the lips of the angry Mark. Tacticians are so very creative. Wouldn't you agree?

"Oh my gosh!" said Rebecca in awe. "I just can't wait for my turn!"

"-and that I why I advise against sticking a fiddle in the fridge ever again!"

When Oswin's interesting yet short speech finally came to the unwanted ending, Hector woke up from his slumber due to "Poopoo's" racket and flung his hand axe at Poopoo, which deliberately killed him.

"Oh... aurrr... This-" began "Poopoo's" death speech.

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" interrupted Hector. "CAN'T A MAN GET A DECENT REST AROUND HERE?!"

And with that said, he went back to sleep as "Poopoo" died. Poor guy, didn't even die with a half-decent name.

A thief and a cleric popped up out of nowhere just as Hector began to go back to sleep. The cleric was stamping toward Oswin with the thief clinging on to her leg.

"MATTHEW!" yelled the cleric. "YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING UP MY DRESS!"

"Who would want to look up YOUR dress?" answered back Matthew. "Serra, I'm only doing this on behalf of the young master's orders."

"STILL! YOU BETTER NOT LOOK!"

"I'm not and I won't!"

"THEN LET GO!"

And so the two bickered back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth and so on. "Eli's" Elite watched in amazement as a lord slept through a knight's thoroughly interesting speech and a couple of people arguing as though they were married. Because of the hard words in the arguments between the happily married couple and the thoroughly interesting speech, Bartre's head started to hurt. You know what that means. Who was the "giant rock" this time, you ask?

Hector.

Strong as he may be, he was asleep. And Bartre was REALLY confused and his head REALLY hurt, which isn't a very good combination at all. Why, you ask? Hector was blown off his feet and... he's rising... he's still rising... he's... rising... and he's reached the peak of his flight... he's coming down... still coming down... still coming down... and he's... still coming down... and he just landed on MATTHEW and SERRA!

Now, before Serra starts screeching and makes everybody deaf, let's go to the Santuraz Castle.

Santuraz Castle -----

Once again, Lord Helman is sitting in a chair and Ephidel appears in a bunch of glittery pink smoke again. The crickets chirped again. This time, he sighs. "Darn crickets!" he complains. "Is a bit of appreciation too much to ask for?!"

"Not if you failed to get rid of my debt," grumbled Lord Helman.

"Shut up. You are of no more use since you have failed to cooperate with us. Now die!"

A flashy lightshow is now aimed for Lord Helman. He gasps. "Oh no!" he wails. "It's the glitter of death!"

"Eh?" said a confused Ephidel. He looks at his hand. It's covered in the stuff that he uses for smoke. "Oops," says a nervously laughing Ephidel, "I guess I forgot my magic tomes... I guess I'll have to use my glitter as my instrument of doom... "

"... Glitter is an instrument of doom?"

"Yup! It's nice-looking too!"

"... ... ... ... ... Just kill me."

"OK!"

And with those words spoken, a blinding pink light was emitted from within Castle Santuraz. A muffled scream was heard and then... there was silence. This marked the man who met his unbearably gruesome end by the means of murder by... glitter...

"Rats!" said a voice from within the castle. "Maybe I should've allowed him some moments to applaud before I killed him..."

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And so, Eli's Elite continues to move search for truth as they are joined by Eli's best friend and tormentor along with Serra, Matthew, Oswin, and Oswin's lectures.

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----- End of Chapter

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Hector: He's got blue hair and he's a Ostian lord. Oswin likes to lecture him. A lot.

Oswin: He's a knight who's capable of interesting conversations. It's just that he doesn't like to converse that way. Really.

Serra: She's got pink hair and she's a bit air-headed. But that's what makes her funny.

Matthew: He's a spy and thief to Hector and his brother. He has odd ideas of treasures.

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I think that my first chapter had less meaningless stuff. But anyway, please review!

Nils: DON'T! IT'S A TRAP! IF YOU DO, SHE'LL CONTINUE THIS HORRIBLY STUPID FANFIC!!!

Shut up.