I've noticed that my second chapter ABSOLUTELY SUCKED! Sorry. Anyway, thank you for the reviews in the second chapter. Please enjoy this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem and I'm not paid to write this. If I were, I wouldn't be broke.
Note: The rating has gone up because there is more adult-themed stuff than I planned. And the idea of "dirty magazines" isn't exactly the best thing to expose to preteens. Sorry for any and all inconvenience.
Quote: "Judge a man not by the length of his hair but by how he uses it."
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----- Weapons of Mass Destruction
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Serra was now screeching everybody's ears off. Poor Matthew was so close to her that he could not avoid the sound of her voice. He got a direct blast of her wailing, which isn't a good thing.
"AS SOON AS I SAW YOU COMING, MATTHEW HAD TRIED TO STOP ME FROM GETTING SQUASHED! HE ACTUALLY CARED WHICH MEANS YOU PUT ME IN A LOT OF DANGER!" screeched Serra. Too bad I can't work out html codes. Capital letters aren't enough to show the volume of her voice.
Oswin had trouble moving since Serra's voice kept on making his armor vibrate. Matthew had tried to escape. He stopped, dropped and rolled.
THUMP!
Too bad he rolled into a tree.
Well, Hector was now talking with "Eli" in a spot far away from Serra.
"Hi Eli," greeted Hector. Oswin managed to get over to Hector's side and nudge him. Hector hesitantly said the rest of his name. "Wood."
"Well met, Hector," said "Eli" tensely. He hated being called "Eli" and he sensed Hector's reluctance. "So, who are your buddies over there?"
"The thief is Matthew," explained Hector gruffly as he pointed him out to "Eli". "He collects... certain objects..."
"Eli" raised an eyebrow. "Certain objects?"
"... Yeah... The noisy one is Serra. I don't think I have to point her out. And you already know Oswin. He's a nice, dignified guy." Some authors like to prove things wrong. I'm one of them.
Oswin just tripped, due to Serra's screaming, and made a bruise on his knee. Then his eyes got all watery. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" cried out the "dignified" guy. "THAT CLERIC'S MEAN! SHE MADE ME TRIP! SOMEONE TELL MY MUMMY!"
After that, Oswin regained his common sense and picked himself up. He did an "ahem" sound and started blushing. "Eli" stared at Hector. "Spending too much time with pink-haired clerics can cause stress build-up and that can cause breakdowns and that is why Ostia has developed the 'stop, drop, and roll' safety procedure for all," said Hector.
"What about Matthew's sanity?" asked "Eli".
"HAH!" the said thief cried out. "I HAVE JUST STOLEN THE ULTIMATE WEAPON! NO ONE SHALL STOP ME! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!"
Everyone stared. And stared. And stared. Then they stared some more. And then some. And then they stared even more. Wow. Mothers all around the world would've screamed their heads off at that.
Matthew had stolen a chamber pot from one of the nearby outhouses. Luckily, it had been emptied a short while ago. But it still stunk. A lot.
Eleanora would be ashamed of him. "Eli" had stared the longest. "... Never mind... Forget I asked..."
"Matthew," said Hector warningly, "we've been through this. Put the chamber pot back. People need it to do their biz."
Lowen was a bit shocked. "There was... an... outhouse... around here?"
"Uh, yeah, a very nice one with lots of nice, soft toilet paper that has no resemblance whatsoever to poison ivy," said Hector. Then he noticed something odd. "... Why do you look like you're in pain?"
When he got no response from him, Hector asked Matthew once again to put the chamber pot back into the outhouse.
SMASH!
... Too late. Bartre bashed it into smithereens. Nobody would be able to get much of any privacy in there anymore. Hector sighed. "Fine. You can keep it. But it's getting washed!"
Matthew cheered with glee at being able to keep his chamber pot. After he cheerfully bounded away in joy, "Eli" said, "Hey Hector-"
"DUN TOUCH ME I HAVE A THEIF WITH A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE HIM, HE CAN BRING DOWN A WHOLE ARMY, I'M THE LORD OF DUMPLINGS AND MEAT BALLS AND SPAGHETTI!" he shouted. Then he realized his mistake. "Er, go on."
That was it. Dorcas was getting outta there, one way or another. He started to tip-toe out of there but then, "Dorcas! You've the honorable job of cleaning the chamber pot!" "Eli" had just sealed the decision Dorcas had made. Not that he hadn't considered it before.
And so, on the way to Santuraz, Dorcas filled the chamber pot with water and scrubbed while mumbling about "stupid pansies and total idiots". Everybody stayed away from him and the stench of poop, except Bartre.
Lowen thought that Dorcas was holding a kettle of soup so he voiced his thoughts and Bartre believed him. He then waited for Dorcas to finish the soup so that he could... drink it.
"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M THE MIGHTY BOIES!" Someone jumped out of the bushes while making a war cry. Ya know, "Eli's" Elite might have considered taking the guy seriously if not for a few things.
His war cry.
He was wearing Chinese shoes.
He was a KNIGHT wearing Chinese shoes.
He was kicking at the air in front of himself.
"So Castle Santuraz is over there?" Rebecca asked the lords. The nodded. The group walked past the nutcase as if he were thin air.
"H-HEY!" Boies yelled. "COME FACE ME!" When he was once again ignored, he made an extra hard kick at the air. You know, knights are really odd. This one was particularly odd. No one would have ever thought that knights could kick their own shoes off. This guy did. And his shoe just so happened to bounce off Bartre's head and into Matthew's chamber pot.
He rejoiced again, have obtained another "invaluable weapon of mass destruction." Dorcas grumbled, having been splashed in the face when the shoe decided to take a dive. Lowen then mistook Boies for a rock and Bartre... was knocked off his feet by the flying shoe... Then he got up and did the weirdest thing he could have ever done.
"8573593 plus 5455345 equals 14028938!"
He did a mathematical question. "Eli's" Elite once again disobeyed their mothers and stared. All their eyes were as large as dinner plates. Nobody could tell about Lowen because of his hair. But that wasn't the only problem. Lowen was facing the wrong way.
While "Eli's" Elite stared with eyes the sizes of plates, Boies walked to the gate of Santuraz Castle while mumbling something about "kids these days not recognizing talent when they see it". He certainly was talented, what with the shoe thing and all. He issued an order and the people at somewhere prepared for battle.
A certain Sacaen who went by the name of Guy was just standing around with his sword. Then some other guy approached him from behind. "Hey! You! The new dog!"
Guy whipped his head around.
WHAP!
However, he only succeeded in hitting the other guy with his braid due to the force he used to turn his head. Then that guy... that's too confusing. Then that MAN rubbed his face and said, "Look behind yourself, over those mountains."
Guy did as he was told but the man regretted it.
WHAP!
He got slapped across the face with his braid. "Dear God," the man mumbled, "his braid slaps harder than my wife!"
"Huh?" Guy whipped his head back to face the man again.
WHAP!
"Did you say something?"
The man put on a forced smile. "No, no, nothing at all!" he said. Guy looked at him with a puzzled face. Then he turned around.
WHAP!
And whipped the man again. The man decided to get out of there before the killer braid hit him again.
Remember how Bartre got smart? Well, now he was doing algebra. "If n plus 463 equals 74 multiplied by 10 minus 234, then 74 times 10 equals 740 which if minuses 234, then equals 506, then that would make n equal 43, since 506 minus 463 equals 43."
"Eli's" Elite didn't get it, though Mark mumbled something about "the horror of real world math" and "forgetting to do algebra homework." Then he thought of something. He suspiciously asked Bartre, "How did you go from I-can't-tell-a-tactician-from-a-rock-or-tree person to a algebra person?"
Bartre shrugged. "I think it was the shoe. It knocked me out because I'm more used to harder whacks to my head. Everybody whacked me too hard. Now I react to gentle whacks." Then Dorcas grabbed Bartre by the collar.
He yelled, "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BARTRE?! Well, not that I care. You can keep him, actually."
"HEY!" a restless bandit was yelling at our group of "dignified" heroes. "LET'S START FIGHTING ALREADY! IF I DON'T DIE BY 2 O' CLOCK AND GET THE MONEY FOR MY LIFE INSURANCE, MY CUTE LITTLE WITTLE BUNNY WABBIT WILL HAVE NOTHING TO EAT!"
His fellow bandits stared at him in disbelief.
The bandit looked around and saw that nearly every pair of eyes was looking at him, the exception being Lowen. "... What? Don't tell me that none of you guys have any cutesy wutesy pets!
And "Eli's" Elite looked at the army of enemy soldiers who were littered all around the area. Matthew saw a familiar face and decided that he would have some "fun". But he'll enjoy this "fun" carefully. Serra then saw the most, horrible, despicable, terrifying, and savage thing ever. She pointed at a certain bandit and screamed, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ST. ELIMINE?! THAT OUTFIT WAS, LIKE, SOOOOO FIVE MINUTES AGO!"
Poor bandit. His eyes started to get watery and he started crying in a very unmanly way. His buddy bandit comforted him and said, "Don't worry Bob, she didn't mean it. You're still pretty." Then they hugged and cried on each other's shoulders.
Then the rest of the bandits held up signs like, "Bandits have feelings too", "Don't be mean to us, we're only doing our jobs", "We don't get paid enough to die, though", "Bob's a pretty guy!", and "If you stab us, we bleed too". Then all the bandits threw the signs down and found a buddy bandit to cry with and hug.
"Eli's" Elite blinked. Who knew bandits could be so emotional? Marcus found the scene a tad bit disturbing so he was relieved when Mark told him to got to the northwest part of the area. There he found a village. He spoke with one of the residents.
"There was a merchant running through here," said the resident, "and he seemed to be in a hurry. He dropped something. But I'm not sure if you want to look at it."
Marcus took the item and thanked the resident. Then he looked at it. It was labeled "Dirty Magazine". 'What's that?' he thought. 'Must be another one of them terms that young people these days made up.'
He looked at the fine print underneath the word. "Use to enlarge the size of your eyes so that your sight will be improved. Warning: Use sparingly. There is a risk of permanent mental damage." Hm, he thought, this might come in handy. And so he safely stored the dirty magazine away and made his way to the castle.
Meanwhile, the rest of "Eli's" Elite went through the crowd of sobbing bandits. Matthew managed to get close to Guy. But he avoided getting too close. He approached Guy from behind. "Hey!"
Guy whipped around. His braid swung around again. Luckily, Matthew had met him before and knew how to deal with his hair. He quickly dodged. "Hey!" he cheerfully said. "Remember this handsome face?"
Guy blinked. He just stared and said, "What handsome face? All I see is your face."
Matthew looked hurt. He sighed. Then he looked cheery again, though there was a glint in his eyes. "Want to join 'Eli's' Elite?"
Guy scratched his chin. Then he shook his head. "Sorry but I don't like working for women. It's not like I have anything against them but I just don't like to."
Matthew nearly burst from laughter but he managed to say, "B-but you o-owe me."
"WHAT?!" came the startled reply. Guy didn't really like owing people. It went against the honor of Sacaens.
"Remember? The dirty magazines?" smirked Matthew. "I gave you four. That means four favors. You even said that you owed me with your life. Sacaens don't lie, do they?"
Guy blushed. "Th-that's not fair! I was feeling soooo horny!" But Matthew and his remarks countered all his further perverted protests. And so, Guy joined "Eli's" Elite while grumbling about working for "women". During that time, Bartre was going around, asking people math questions. They were mostly about algebra. The rest of the group had been bored to death about all that algebra stuff. Can you blame them? Finally, Bartre came to Guy. He approached him from behind... You already know where this is going, don't you?
"Hey! What's 7 times 2 minus 4 equals n plus 3?"
WHACK!
"Wha?" Guy had whipped his head around to face Bartre.
THUMP!
Bartre had just gotten knocked out again. Then he got up. And then he bashed the nearby tree. Matthew was suspicious and Guy was still trying to figure out what Bartre had said. Matthew then asked, "Are you feeling okay?"
Bartre blinked and said, "Uh, yeah. But I am a little hungry... Hey Dorcas! Did you finish making the soup yet?" Well, at least he was back to normal... Or as normal as he was before. After the rest of the army made their way through a horde of sniveling bandits, they confronted Boies.
"I must commend you," said Boies, "for making your way through my army of well-trained bandits. They were the toughest that I had to offer." Nobody said anything about that.
"Now, I shall succeed where my brave sell-swords had failed!" He started to kick at the air with his remaining shoe. But then he slipped and his shoe flew off his foot and landed in Matthew's arms. He squealed in joy and hugged his latest "weapon of mass destruction" as Guy thought, how did I owe this guy a favour?!
Well, it's four, actually. But let's not get into that. Rebecca arrived at the scene. She saw Boies and decided to use her arrow to poke him. (WARNING: Meaningless writing ahead.)
Poke. Boies twitched a bit.
Poke. Twitch.
Poke poke. Twitch.
Poke poke poke. Twitch.
Poke poke poke poke poke. Twitch.
Oswin joined in with his lance.
Poke. Twitch. Jab. Twitch.
Poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab. Twitch.
Poke poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab jab. Twitch.
Poke poke poke poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab jab jab jab. Twitch.
As they continued to test Boies' consciousness, "Eli" and Hector went into the caste.
They went to the room where Lord Helman's body was. "Eli" made a face and said in repulsion, "EWWW! What is it with all this glitter? If I get ANY on me, people will think that I'm a girl!"
Hector got shifty eyes and looked away.
After a while, the finally found the throne room where Lord Helman was. The two lords looked about with their weapons poised in a position to defend themselves should there be an ambush.
Then, Lord Helman's body was seen. "Eli" despairingly lamented, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Hector patted his friend on his back in an attempt to lessen his pain, but to no avail. "Eli" cried out once again. "HE OWED ME 50 GOLD!"
Hector blinked. Then he found a piece of paper with "Lord Helman's To Do List" written across the top. As his buddy sobbed over the large debt of 50 gold gone down the drain, Hector read the writing on the piece of paper. It said:
Admire the dancing ladies in the nearby town square and attempt to look under their dresses. Check.
Talk to Lord Darin about Lord Elbert. Check.
Arrange for Lord Darin pay debt of 50 gold to Lord "Eli". Check.
Pay Boies' army of well-trained bandits.
Use chamber pots as weapons of mass destruction.
Practice the stop, drop, and roll rule in the case of a Code Pink emergency.
Feed cute little wittle bunny wabbit.
Buy dirty magazines from the merchant in the northwest village.
Do the hula while naked in front of the mirror. Check.
... Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. Hector did NOT need to know that Lord Helman did the hula in front of his mirror while he was naked. He shook off the graphic images he started to see in his head and said to "Eli", who was still sobbing, "Lord Darin may have some info on your old man."
"Eli" continued to sob and did not appear to have noticed Hector. Hector then sighed and said, "... And he can pay Lord Helman's debt."
"Eli" immediately perked up and said, "So what are we waiting for?! Let's go!"
"Eli" walked out of the castle, determined to reach Lord Darin's Place and get paid his rightful 50 gold. Then Guy spotted him. Guy stared at "Eli's" chest skeptically. Then "Eli", ignoring Guy as best he could, asked, "Are you a girl?"
What an odd question, thought Guy. "No."
"Eli" stared at Guy accusingly. "Sacaens don't lie."
Although he was caught off guard, Guy quickly caught onto what "Eli" was saying. "This braid does not mean that I'm a girl. Lot's of male Sacaens have long hair!"
"Sacaens don't lie."
"But I'm not lying!"
"Sacaens don't lie."
Guy exploded. "GRRR! FINE! BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT! I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO WORK FOR LADIES ANYWAY!"
Guy stormed off. "Eli" smirked as if he had won something. Then Guy's last sentence began to sink in. "Eli" yanked at his hair in frustration. "DAMN IT! I'M NOT A GIRL! STUPID GLITTER!"
For an unrelated event, Dorcas picked up the chamber pot. Strangely, enough, it was extremely light. Dorcas peered inside. All the water was gone. How odd, thought Dorcas. Then Bartre strolled along while wiping his mouth on the back of his arm. "Thanks for the soup, Dorcas!" said Bartre. "It was really tasty!"
For another unrelated event, Rebecca and Oswin were still focused on poking and jabbing Boies unconscious body. But he no longer twitched. What a way to be defeated.
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With a dangerous swordsman who was dangerous simply because of his hair, Eli's Elite moves toward one united goal... which I don't know what it is...
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----- End of Chapter
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Guy: He's dangerous with his sword. He's even more dangerous with his braid. 'Nuff said.
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So what do you think? I apologize for any and all mental problems caused by this chapter, especially if it concerns the part with Lord Helman doing the hula. I have no idea from which nasty corner of my sick mind that that one came from. If you are still sane after reading this horribly stupid fanfic, please review. I would greatly appreciate it.