"Let's go find Gandalf," Aly said. The Fellowship followed over to a sunny spot near the lake where Gandalf was jabbering away, balancing a paper plate full of baby back ribs in his lap. "C'mon, gramps," Aly said to him. "We gotta move."
Gandalf sat his plate on the ground and stood up. He smiled and shook his head. "I think I'm going to stay here for a while."
"But we need you!" Maggie said.
"Who will lead us?" Frodo asked, pulling off the blindfold that Maggie and Aly had put over all the boys' eyes.
Gandalf smiled again and patted Frodo's head in a fatherly manner. "Young Legolas and Master Aragorn will lead you. I have full confidence in both of them. Besides, I'm old. It's either the nudist colony or a retirement home." Gandalf threw off his robe and went running toward the river wearing nothing but his Converse high tops and a smile.
The Fellowship disappeared from the Nudist Colony, and (in a dream montage) Gandalf was seen water skiing, learning to tango, and winning a limbo contest. He seemed truly happy. But, there was something in his smile that hinted to the fact that he missed the Fellowship. He felt guilty for leaving them. He wanted to help them again. . .
"Gandalf!" Frodo jumped up from his spot on the ground, and his body jerked awake.
"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" Sam, Frodo's loyal companion, asked.
Frodo turned his eyes to Sam, who was standing over a small fire about ten feet away, cooking something in his little copper pot. "Nothing," Frodo answered him, stretching his arms. "Just a dream."
Frodo wandered away from Sam and out into the woods a ways to take care of his morning business. It was only as he was zipping up his pants that he felt that something was different this morning. Something wasn't right. He couldn't hear Aly terrorizing Aragorn, Merry and Pippin weren't engaged in their usual morning game of leap frog, and Maggie wasn't thundering around pulling sticks out of her hair, cursing her curly blond locks. Also, he noticed that the One Ring was no longer around his neck.
The events of yesterday came flooding back. Maggie, Aly, Merry, and Pippin had been captured by a band of Uruk-Hai. The entire quest the Fellowship had been on was in jeopardy, with four members captured by the enemy, one of which, Aly, had the One Ring.
"Ack!" Frodo heard Gimli say as he strolled back to camp. "This soup tastes like warmed vomit, young Samwise."
Sam's hands flew to his hips. "Well, I'm sorry, your highness. You try to cook something edible out of two carrots, a mustard green, and a jar of cherries! If it tastes so God-awful, throw it out and chew on a little lembas bread. If you ask me though, you could stand to skip a few meals anyway." Sam said that last part under his breath.
Gimli heard him nonetheless and lunged toward him, but Legolas appeared and body-checked the Dwarf. "Let's try to keep the fighting down to a minimum today, guys. We have a lot of ground to cover. Besides, none of us are feeling fantabulous after what happened yesterday."
Everyone fell silent as they relived the events of yesterday in their minds, except for Gimli, who was crunching lembas bread loudly. Sam broke the silence as he poured out his soup and plopped down on the forest floor.
"What are we going to do, Legolas?" Sam asked.
Legolas took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave expression. "Do not fear, young Hobbit. We will not let harm come to your friends, and the fallers of the sky."
"Fallersssssss, gone are they," Boromir dropped from a tree branch and squatted down near Sam and Frodo, ripping into an apple. "Preciousssss they have. We's knows the way to the preciousss."
Frodo groaned. "Boromir, would you stop that? It's really. . . fuckin' annoying." His correct usage of the word 'fuck' made him think of Maggie and Aly, and how much he missed them and prayed for their safety.
"Where's Aragorn?" Gimli asked as he brushed the crumbs out of his beard.
Legolas shook his head. "I know not. I was on my way out to the forest to search for him. This morning he told me that he was going to scout up ahead, but it has made me uneasy that he hasn't returned."
As if on cue, a large rustling in the bushes made everyone search the forest for the source of the noise. Boromir dropped his apple and crept toward the noise, opening and closing his hands. "Massster?" he asked.
" I'm just a small-town girl. . .living in a lonely world. I took the midnight train going anywhere," Aragorn lurched into view, staggering to the left and right, singing the words to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" rather loudly and off-key. A half empty bottle of alcohol was dangling from his left hand.
Legolas sighed and massaged his temples for a second before speaking. "He's drunk. I don't know where he got the alcoholic beverage, but we've got to try and sober him up. Help me, Frodo."
"Hiiii, Frodo," Aragorn said, grinning stupidly at the Hobbit. " You're just a city boy. . .born and raised in South Detroit! Frodo took the midnight train going anywhere!"
"C'mon, Aragorn," Legolas said, hoisting Aragorn to a standing position.
"Where we goin', Elf Boy?" Aragorn. "Hey, have I ever told you that I like your hair. I do. Legolas, you're pretty. Can I touch your hair?" Aragorn reached out.
"No, you may not touch my hair," Legolas shouted, getting angry.
Aragorn shrugged and turned to Frodo. "Hey, Frudo. Haha! I called you Frudo! Hahaha! Frudoo! Frudo Baggins! You have pretty hair too."
"Don't!" Frodo yelled before Aragorn had a chance to finish. Legolas and Frodo had almost reached the shore of the river. "Yo, Legolas. Think we could step it up? I'm only about four feet tall, and Aragorn outweighs me by about 100 pounds," Frodo said straining. Legolas nodded and quickened his pace.
" I'm a man without conviction! I'm a man who doesn't know! You come and go!. You come and go! Karma karma. . . kahma ker– damn, it's hard to sing that song drunk," Aragorn laughed. "Come on, Frodo, sing with me. Just one verse. We'll start from the–"
Legolas and Frodo had reached the river and dropped Aragorn right into the water. Aragorn floundered about in the water before he regained himself and stood up, wiping the water off his face.
"Pull yourself together, Aragorn," Legolas said, shaking Aragorn's shoulders. "You've got to be a leader. You've got to. . .well, you have to lead us. I can't do it by myself. Besides, if I was the leader, it would really damage the dark, mysterious facade I've got going that the ladies love so much."
Aragorn's drunken smile turned into a frown. He wrapped Legolas into a bear hug, lifting him off the ground momentarily. "Oh, it's just so sad!! The girls are gone. And I didn't think I could lead you because it was my fault they're gone in the first place."
Frodo patted Aragorn's arm. "Cheer up, man. We all feel bad, but we're gonna save them. We just need someone to look up to. No stop all that crying and sniveling."
Aragorn smiled weakly. "Will you do the Happy Hobbit dance for me?"
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just this once." Frodo bent his knees and began swirling his bum around in circles. " What the world needs now, is love, sweet love!" he sang in a fast tempo. "There. You happy?"
Aragorn smiled. "Thanks little buddy."
"Now get the hell back to camp and take charge," Frodo said. "You and Legolas are like a team, Aragorn. The ultimate leadership team. You're like Captain Kirk, and Legolas is Mr. Spock."
Legolas frowned. "Why does he get to be Captain Kirk?"
"Because I have better leadership skills," Aragorn said.
"Oh, and who decided that?" Legolas put his hands on his hips.
"I did. Besides, you have pointy ears like Mr. Spock anyway. It just seems logical–"
"Are you making fun of my ears, Human? Spock was a genius–"
"He was weird!"
"You know what?" Frodo bellowed. "Fine. Neither of you are Spock or Captain Kirk. You're both. . .Scotty. So, shut up and get back to camp. Sam, Gimli, and that stupid freak Boromir are waiting on us."
Someone–Sam, mostly likely– had packed up all the tents and equipment while Legolas, Frodo, and Aragorn had been gone. Now, Sam was reading an old gardening magazine, Gimli was re-braiding his beard, and Boromir was jumping up and down on a rock next to Sam. He was singing some made-up song to a fast disco tempo.
" Shake it to the precioussss! Precioussss is the preciousest! She's my preshy precioussss! I have to get the pre– Ow!" Boromir fell backward off the rock as Sam clocked him in the face with the copper pot.
"He's been doing this since you left," Sam said, standing up. "That's the sixth time I've clobbered him. Stupid human. He's got a lot of willpower, though."
"Yeah, that, or very little brain," Frodo said. "I'm putting my money on the latter."
"Gather your things together!" Aragorn said, picking up his cloak and sword. He swerved forward and pressed his hand to his forehead. "Whoa! But, before we go, does anyone have any headache medicine. I feel like my brain is trying to escape through the pores in my skin."
Sam ran up to Aragorn. "Here's some of Gandalf's Advil. That should do the trick."
"Thank you, Samwise," Aragorn said. He downed four Advil, then smiled.
Legolas was scanning the forest ahead, looking at the path they were about to take that would lead them to the Uruk-Hai and their missing friends. "They are still alive and well, Aragorn. I can sense it."
"Good, Elf," Aragorn said. He clapped Legolas on the shoulder. "Come on."
"After you. . .Captain Kirk," Legolas said smiling.
Aragorn bowed and stepped back. "No. Please, lead the way, Mr. Spock. . .you genius you."