"Look, man, I don't mean to sound blunt, but your hair smells like ass warmed over," Maggie said to the Orc that was carrying her on his back. "Of course, I completely understand that you're an Orc, and you probably haven't bathed since the first Bush was in office, but still, dude. This stuff is killing me." She pushed the gnarled, matted Orc hair out of her face and turned to look at Aly.
"If you keep running like this, dude, I'm gonna piss all over you. My bladder has reached its maximum capacity, and if you keep bobbing up and down, you're gonna get a big wet surprise running down your back," Aly told her Orc. "How you holding up, Mags?"
"Well, under these lovely conditions, surprisingly well, dear. And yourself?"
"I'm about to piss on myself," Aly answered. She banged her Orc on the shoulder. "I'm serious, Ugly Man. We need to stop. Aw, damn it all to hell!"
"What?" Maggie asked. "Did you just, um, let it all go?"
"No! The button on my jeans just popped off. Mother fuck! Oh, this is just great. What I wouldn't give for a safety pin!"
Maggie sighed and glanced over at Merry and Pippin. Merry seemed to be having a nice time, enjoying the swift breeze in his hair. Pippin, on the other hand, was clinging to the Orc fiercely, his eyes wide, his skin paler than usual. "Pippin!" Maggie yelled. "Pippin! Pip! Pippin! Pippin!"
Merry turned to Pippin, who had passed out, then back to Maggie. "I'm sorry, Pippin is unavailable at the moment. May I take a message?"
"No, that's all right. I'll call back later," Maggie said. The Orcs suddenly came to a complete halt. The girls and the Hobbits craned their necks to see over all of the massively huge Orc heads. One Orc was standing at the front, one hand raised in the air.
"What is it? What do you smell?" one Orc asked him.
"PKAAACK!" the Orc snorted. "Man flesh."
"Aragorn!" Pippin said, his face still pale, his eyes barely open.
"No, dumbass," Aly said. "I have man flesh. He smells me."
"He's not the only one who smells you," Maggie quipped. Maggie dodged away from Aly, barely escaping Aly's swinging fist.
"You have man flesh?" Merry asked. "So, you're saying that you're a man?"
"I've always thought she was a bit manly," Pippin said, letting out a small giggle.
"I'm not a man!" Aly yelled, leaning out and smacking Pippin on the arm.
"Owww!" Pippin said, rubbing his arm. "You hit like a man."
"They've picked up our trail! Let's go!" the Orc leader snarled. The Orcs were on the move again, and the Hobbits and the girls didn't have much time to chat because the Orcs were flying through the forests and valleys at rapid speed.
* * *
Aragorn was lying face down on the ground, the rest of the Fellowship gathered around him, staring curiously at him and each other. "Um Aragorn, if I may venture to ask a question," Legolas began. "What exactly are you doing?"
"I'm listening for vibrations," his voice muffled.
"With what? Your forehead?" Frodo asked, crossing his arms.
"Mr. Frodo, this is no time for joking," Sam said, throwing his pack down. "This is serious, this is. We've got to get a move on. Miss Aly and Miss Maggie are sure to say something that will upset those nasty Orcs. I only hope that Merry and Pippin are–"
Gimli let out a groan. "Hobbit! Shut your pie hole! Worrying like a madman isn't going to get us anywhere!"
"Madman! Sssilly FAT dwarf!" Boromir said, doing a little jig. "Chicken pot pie and jimmy crack corn!"
". . .the hell?" Frodo said, glaring at Boromir.
Aragorn rose from the ground, brushing the dirt off his face. "They have picked up our scent. We must make haste."
The Fellowship took off again, dashing madly over the plains. Aragorn and Legolas crossed the terrain with ease, sprinting with the grace of mountain lions. Frodo and Boromir was a few feet behind them, running with all their might. Gimli and Sam lagged dangerously behind.
"Wait," Legolas called to Aragorn. "Sam and Gimli have fallen behind."
Aragorn stopped. While he waited for Sam and Gimli, he scanned the ground for any footprints or signs of the Orcs.
"Good gracious!" Gimli said, skidding to a halt near Legolas and Boromir. "Dwarves aren't made for this cross-county stuff. We are natural sprinters."
Sam made a less than graceful stop as he crashed into the ground near Frodo's feet. "Oh, lord, Mr. Frodo. I'm dying."
"What's the matter, Sam?" Frodo asked smiling. "Not cut out for all this running?"
"That's not funny, Frodo," Sam said, reaching into his pack and pulling out an inhaler. "You know I've got asthma."
"Asthma, huh?" Frodo giggled. "What's your excuse, Dwarf?"
Boromir laughed. "No excussssse. Dwarf has short, FAT legs!"
Gimli lunged for Boromir's neck. "You little son of a whore!"
"Quiet everyone!" Aragorn said, kneeling down and picking something off the ground. "I believe I've found something." Aragorn extended his open palm to Legolas, then to Frodo and Sam.
It was the button from Aly's jeans. Frodo snatched it away from Aragorn and squinted at it, trying to read the tiny writing. "What the hell is a. . .a Levi Jean?"
"A Levi Jean. . . ." Aragorn mused aloud.
"Perhaps it is the name of someone famous in Maggie and Aly's native land," Legolas offered.
Frodo snorted. "Um, doubt that, Elfy Boy."
Aragorn grabbed the button from Frodo and slid it into his pocket. "They are less than half a day ahead of us. Legolas, what do your Elf eyes see?"
Sam sighed. "I don't know what his Elf eyes see, but my Hobbit eyes see a nice patch of grass over there that looks like a good place to take a nap."
"The Uruks turn Northeast. They are taking our friends to Isengard."
"Saruman," Aragorn said.
"Who?" Frodo asked.
Sam nudged Frodo in the side. "Saruman. The bad guy."
"The wha. . . .oh yeah! Saruman. Bad guy. I remember!"
Boromir jumped up and rose to his human posture. "Saruman?" his voice had returned to normal. "Are there spies of Saruman lurking about?" He unsheathed his sword and waved it menacingly around.
"Well, look who's back!" Frodo said. "Yeah, Boromir, there are quite a few spies lurking about. In fact, an assload of them just took four of our friends in that direction. Once we get there, we'll need all the help we can get to kick some Spy of Saruman ass. You up for it?"
Boromir smiled. "Indeed I am, young Hobbit."
"All right, do you know what just happened while you were all chit-chatting?" Aragorn's tone sounded irritated. "The Uruk-Hai just gained an eighth of a day on us. People's lives are at stake here, men. Quit standing around like a bunch of beauty parlor patrons. Act like a bunch of men! So, grab your nuts, hock a loogie, and let's step on it!" He turned and began running.
". . .grab your nuts. . ." Frodo gave Aragorn a bewildered look. "Well, that was a hell of a pep talk, don't you think?"
"He hasn't had much sleep. It's not his fault he isn't making sense. But, nonetheless, what choice have you but to follow him?" Sam said. Then, he grabbed his nuts, hocked a loogie and took off after Aragorn.
Frodo shrugged. "When in Rome. . ." He grabbed his nuts, hocked a loogie and started running once again.