Baglor was extremely overweight for even an Orc, weighing in at nearly 420 pounds. He was about to pass out from all the extensive running the Uruk-Hai had engaged in over the past 24 hours. He used his last burst of energy to run to Ugluk, the leader, and throw himself at his feet. "We ain't goin' no further til we've had a breather!"
Ugluk held up his forearm, signaling for the Orcs to stop. "Get the fire going!"
"What about them?" Roc asked, pointing over to the girls and the Hobbits.
Maggie's eyelids fluttered and she opened her eyes sleepily. "Whahuh?" She glanced over at Aly, who was snoring menacingly, and Merry and Pippin, who were clinging to each other in their sleep.
"Bind their limbs and place them over there," Ugluk said, motioning to the edge of the dark forest.
"Guys, wake up," Maggie said to her companions.
Aly let out one more giant snort before opening her eyes. "Whew! I feel ten times better now that I've had a little– excuse me, Ugly Man, but why the fuck are you tying me to Maggie?"
"Boss's orders," he snarled, a line of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth.
"Do you have rabies or something, dude?" Maggie asked, watching the foamy drool find a final resting place on the ground near her left foot.
"Merry! Merry!" Pippin had woken up as the Orc was binding him to Maggie and Aly. Pippin tightened his grip around Merry.
"I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin," Merry said. He clung tightly to Pippin in a dire attempt to keep from wetting himself. Now Merry and Pippin were tied back to back, just as Maggie and Aly were. Maggie was bound to Pippin on her left side, and Aly was tied to Merry on her right.
"Guys, it's okay," Maggie said. "We'll figure out something."
"Quiet," Merry whispered. He motioned his head over to the Orcs. "They're squabbling about something."
A hush fell over the four as they strained their ears to listen to the Orcs. Baglor, the fat Orc, was whining to Ugluk. "We're starving! We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for the past three days."
"I'm not a gourmet chef!" Ugluk snarled. "You should've packed something besides bread, dumbass!"
"But, we want some meat!" Roc said. He glanced sinisterly at the four captives.
"Oh dear God!" Pippin said, growing faint. "He's going to eat us!"
"What about them?" Roc asked, running his tongue over his rotting teeth. "They're fresh!"
"That's it!" Aly said, bouncing her bottom up and down, trying to pull from the ropes. She only succeeded in giving her friends whip lash. "I am not getting eaten! No, no, no, no! Oh, Christ! I don't want to die!"
Once Merry saw that even Aly, whom he had always held in high regard, was frightened, he promptly burst into tears. "Oh, Pippin! I don't want to die with you!"
"They are not for eating!" Ugluk growled, stepping in front of the prisoners.
"Yes, yes that's right! Listen to him! We are not Orc food!" Pippin said feebly. Ugluk turned around and bared his teeth at the four. Pippin took one look at him and fainted, his head resting on Maggie's shoulder.
A smaller Orc slinked over to Ugluk and reached out for Aly. "What about their legs! They don't need those. Ooh! They look tasty!"
"Oh, heavenly father!" Aly screeched. "Maggie, I'm afraid I'm about to pull a Pippin and wet myself."
"Aly, calm down," Maggie said, although she was far from calm herself. "We've got to think of a plan together. If you wig out on me now, we're all fucked because Merry and Pippin have the combined brainpower of a sea snail."
Ugluk unsheathed his sword and swung the blade through the small Orc's middle, his black blood squirting all over Maggie and Aly. Ugluk dropped his sword and threw his head back. "Look's like meat's back on the menu boys!" The Orcs swarmed the dead body, picked it up, and carried it over to the fire, leaving the prisoners unguarded by the edge of the forest.
"Pippin! Pippin, wake up!" Maggie said, nudging Pippin's head with her shoulder. While Maggie tried to wake up Pippin, Aly and Merry were having a nervous breakdown behind them.
"Aly?! Did you hear that?" Merry said, tears still streaming down his face.
"Hear what? The sound of my death certificate being signed?" Aly asked, giving the ropes a tug. A low rumbling noise jerked their attention to the forest. "It sounds like the trees are farting."
Merry momentarily forgot his fear and laughed. "No, it sounds like they're alive. Hey, Pippin, remember the Old Forest near Buckland? People used to say that the trees could whisper, talk, even move."
Pippin had regained consciousness. "Of course I remember. It was scary as hell in there. I never went within 500 feet of that creepy forest."
Maggie sighed. "Look, swapping ancient folklore is very amusing, and I'm sure there'll be a time for us to do that, but now is not that time. We have got to get out of here. They will eat us. Besides, Aly has. . .who know what, and if by some miracle they do manage to carry us all the way to Mordor, we're all gonna die, but so will everyone else in Middle Earth."
Aly got slightly angry. "That's a really nifty pep talk, Mags, but I can't even begin to think about how to get us out of here. Sorry if I'm not as intellectual as you."
"Girls, girls," Merry started.
"Listen here, Miss Thing," Maggie said, throwing a glance over her shoulder to Aly. As she did this, something caught her eyes: Aly's purse. She turned back around and took a deep breath. "Everyone listen to me. I have an idea."
"An idea?" Pippin repeated. "Well, I hope to God it works."
"Shh!" Maggie said. "We've got to work quickly while the Orcs are busy eating each other. This first part is going to be the hardest. We all have to stand up at the same time and not fall over."
"What the. . ." Aly's voice trailed off.
"Just do it. On the count of three," Maggie commanded. "One. . .two. . .three!" They tried to stand at the same time, but Pippin and Aly lost their balance and the four came tumbling down in a heap.
"Ow!" Merry yelled wincing. "Don't pull so hard. My hands are tied with the same rope as yours, Pip. You just ripped about seven blood vessels out of their natural places."
"Concentrate!" Maggie said. "One. . .two. . .three!"
"Hahah!" Pippin screamed and fell over, dragging everyone with him. "Merry grabbed my bum!"
"Well, it wasn't intentionally," Merry puffed up.
"I think it was!" Pippin teased. "Merry's a Hobbit homo!"
"You better be glad that my hands are tied!" Merry yelled.
"Why, Merry! I didn't know you were into the whole bondage thing!" Pippin laughed.
"Boys!" Maggie was getting irritated.
"Come on, my little men," Aly said. "We can do it this time!"
"One. . .two. . .three!" Maggie said. The four rose shakily to their feet. "Oh, thank you God! Now, hurry. We have to make it over to Ugluk's sword, which he conveniently left over there. Then, we're going to slowly lower ourselves back to the ground and saw ourselves loose."
"Great," Aly sighed. "Someone's gonna lose a finger."
"To the right!" Maggie said. They hobbled toward the blade and came to a stop. They managed to make it back to the ground in one piece, although Pippin feared once for his ability to ever have children.
"Okay, now what?" Aly asked. She threw a look over her shoulder at the Orcs, who were still feasting, roasting the dead Orc over the fire on a spit.
"Pippin, Merry, see if you can hold onto the end of the sword and point it this way," Maggie said. Sweat was rolling down her face as she glanced over at the Orcs, then back to her friends. Uh, God, she thought. If you get me out of this, I'll be the best person I can be. I swear to. . .um, you.
After a bit of shuffling around, Merry and Pippin finally managed to feel around on the ground and grab onto the sword. They blindly guided the blade toward the ropes around Maggie and Aly's hands.
"All we have to do is move simultaneously up and down, Aly, and we should be able to drag the ropes across the blades and cut ourselves free," Maggie said as she and Aly began dragging the rope slowly across the blade.
"Yeah, right," Merry said, glancing at Maggie and Aly, then rolling his eyes. "And if I put sand in my ass crack, in a few days I'll be able to shit a pearl."
"Hush, Merry!" Pippin said. He had suddenly regained his composure, and he knew that Maggie and Aly would soon have them free and safe. "C'mon, Mags. That's it. You can do it. Push a little more. There you go."
"I'm not having a baby, Pip," Maggie said. "But thanks for the verbal coaching anyway."
Maggie finally felt the ropes fall from her wrists. Aly breathed a sigh of relief as she pulled her hands free. "All right," Maggie said, glancing at the Orcs. She noticed one was walking toward them. "Oh shit. Oh shit. Sit down Aly. Act like we're still tied together."
"Oh! Ehhh!" Aly whimpered. "Okay."
Baglor approached them, two steaming pieces of Orc flesh in his hands. "You want some food, little prisoners?"
Merry's stomach growled noisily in response. "I never thought I'd be saying this, but Orc flesh sounds mighty tasty right now."
"No!" Maggie said, worried that the Orc might try to untie them to feed them. "We're cool. Just. . .go, go back to the feast. Have fun. We're good."
"Maggie. . ." Aly whined.
"We're SUPER!" Maggie yelled, nudging Aly in the back.
Baglor gave them a funny look, then turned and walked back to the roast pit. As soon as she was sure no Orcs were glancing their way, Maggie hopped up and took the sword in her hand. "All right, comrades. It's time to bust a secret mission." She quickly freed Merry and Pippin and motioned to Aly. "Open up your purse."
Aly gave her a confused look. "Why? There's nothing in here but your hair spray and a lighter. . ." Aly's eyes lit up. "Aw, yeah! We're about to kick some ass, aren't we?"
Maggie smiled at her. "Yes, ma'am. We can't wait on Eomer and the riders of Rohan." Maggie handed Aly Ugluk's sword, then ripped off her shirt.
"Oi!" Merry said, covering his eyes. "What are you doing?"
Maggie took two cans of hair spray and stuck them under her bra straps. "I'm gearing up," she said, taking one can in her hand and the lighter in the other. "All right. Merry, Pippin, you are going to be what I refer to as 'bait.' I want both of you to run toward the Orcs, scream at them, then run back this way. You see that big tree right there?" She pointed to one on the edge of the forest. "Once you come back over here, climb that tree like your life depended on it. Actually, your life will depend on it, so climb fast. Aly, you get behind the tree with me."
Aly smiled and dove behind the tree, humming a bit of the Indiana Jones theme song. Maggie followed her, then, once she was behind the tree, motioned for Merry and Pippin to spring into action.
Merry gave Pippin a worried look before the two of them took off, arms flailing, their little Hobbit voices piercing the night. Aly and Maggie watched apprehensively as the Orcs raised their heads and looked in their direction.
"The prisoners are loose!" Ugluk bellowed. "Seize them!"
Merry and Pippin turned and ran, their curly Hobbit hair flapping wildly in the wind. They made it to the tree and threw themselves on the trunk of it, scrambling toward the top. The Orcs charged toward them, their weapons raised high.
"This is it," Maggie said to Aly. "Go!!"
"Rawr!" Aly growled, springing from behind the tree, swinging her sword in all directions.
Maggie jumped into the open and pointed the hair spray can at two advancing Orcs. She held the lighter up to the can and pressed the spray button down. Flames shot forth and consumed the two Orcs, who fell to the ground in pain. "Yeah, that's right. Aerosol is mighty tasty!"
"Mags!" Aly yelled as she dodged an Orc blade. "Little help here?"
"No problem, my red-headed friend," Maggie said as she blasted the Orcs into oblivion with her homemade torch. Now all the Orcs had surrounded Maggie and Aly, but they didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of defeating the girls. Maggie went through two and a half cans of hair spray, and every member of the Orc group was lying in a smoldering heap within minutes.
"Look at them go, Merry," Pippin said as he and Merry watched from the tree top.
"Yeah," Merry answered as he watched Aly slice and dice one of the last Orcs.
Pippin sighed. "God, I love those women."
"Merry! Pip!" Aly yelled up to them as she dropped her sword to the ground. "You can come down now. The Orcs are history."
Maggie made her way back to the tree, her hair fraying every which way from her head. "Whew! That was. . .so much fun!" She placed the lighter and remaining hair spray cans in Aly's purse and put her shirt back on.
A horse whinnied in the near distance. "What's that?" Merry asked as he and Pippin dropped from the tree.
"Riders of Rohan," Aly said as the silhouettes of men on horses seeped into sight. They rode swiftly and their battle cries rang through the night as they stampeded toward Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits.
"Whoa!" Maggie said waving her arms over her head, signaling for them to stop.
The Riders came to a screeching halt. One man and his horse skidded to a stop inches away from Aly's feet. "Let's watch it with those, buddy. Horsies aren't toys," Aly warned.
"What is the meaning of this?" The man said as he dismounted and jumped to the ground. "I am Eomer, and we are the Riders of Rohan. We were hunting a band of Orcs. Have you by any chance seen them?"
"Yes siree, Bob," Maggie said, gesturing to the smoking pile of Orc carcasses behind her. "It's cool. We took care of them."
Eomer blinked several times at the four tiny figures that stood before him. "The four of you managed to kill all of those Orcs."
"Actually, it was just the two girls," Merry said, shooting Maggie and Aly a beaming smile. "They're a couple of Amazon women. I wouldn't get too close to them."
"That is the niftiest helmet I've ever seen," Maggie said, pointing to Eomer's shining helmet. "Look! It's even got a cool little horsie tail. Mind if I try it on?"
Eomer removed his helmet slowly and handed it to Maggie. "Uh, go ahead. Knock yourself out."
"Awesome," Maggie said. She put the helmet it on and it immediately swallowed her head, the bottom of it grazing her shoulders. "Damn, I feel cool. Come on, Pippin," she said, jumping onto his back. "You can be my noble steed."
While Maggie and Pippin made a slow victory lap around the dead Orcs, Aly chatted with Eomer. "Listen, buddy, we really appreciate the fact that you were gonna kill all the Orcs for us. But, since you didn't have to do it, do you think I could ask a favor?"
"Anything, young maiden," Eomer said, bowing slightly.
"Do you think you could spare a couple of strong, muscular horses? We'd really prefer to ride in style."
Eomer grimaced. "Do you think you might ask for something else?"
"No," Aly said putting her hands on her hips. "Look, we did you a favor. None of your men got killed, and none of you had to get dirty or tired or sweaty or anything. Now, the least you could do is give us some horses. I'm sure you have two to spare."
Eomer sighed. Then, he whispered something to one of his men. "We only have two to spare, milady." He climbed back onto his horse. "I hope that these two mighty animals will serve the four of you, o brave warriors."
"Leaving so soon?" Maggie said as she and Pippin returned. She removed the helmet and handed it to Eomer. "Thanks for letting me borrow your hat."
"My pleasure," Eomer said as one of his men lead two animals over to the girls. "We now present you with two of Rohan's finest: Milton and Gertie."
Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits stared at their "noble steeds." Gertie turned out to be an old mare with sparse brown hair. Milton was a donkey with a serious over bite. "What the hell are these?" Aly demanded.
"All that we could spare," Eomer said, turning his horse around. "Until we meet again, young warriors." And with that, the Riders of Rohan galloped off into the darkness of night, stirring up a small cloud of dust.
Aly sighed and mounted Gertie. As she settled down onto the mare's saddle, Gertie let out a colon-rattling fart. Instead of moving forward when Aly commanded her to, Gertie just stood still and pulled a few weeds from the earth and began munching them.
"Great," Maggie said. "We just killed fifty Orcs, and what do we get in return? A farting mare and an ass named Milton."