The vast prairies of Middle-Earth spread ominously in front of Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and young Frodo and Sam as they tried painstakingly to catch up with the Orcs who had kid-napped their friends.
Legolas stopped for a moment and gazed up at the sky, taking great notice at the color of the sun. "A red sun rises," he said. "Blood has been spilled this night."
After Legolas said that, Frodo turned his eyes to the sky. "Um, Legolas, the sun has always been a little red-looking to me. But hey, you've got the Elf eyes."
"Hello!" Aragorn had stopped at the top of a ridge, his hands placed firmly on his hips. "Time's clicking! Our friends could be dead at any second. And what are you doing? That's right, standing there with your thumb up your ass getting a sun tan. This isn't a holiday. We're not in Palm Springs. Move along!" He turned and sprinted off.
Boromir turned to the others as they all began jogging after Aragorn. "He's getting quite persistent lately," he said. "I'm beginning to think he's losing his mind."
"I'll agree with you on that one," Sam said, huffing along with his pack weighing him down.
"Right you are, my Hobbit friend," Legolas agreed. "Lately Aragorn's been acting like someone lodged the important stick up his rear."
Boromir raised his eyebrows. "The important stick?"
Frodo shook his head. "He's still trying to learn how to insult people," he said, motioning to Legolas.
"Legolas!" Aragorn shouted. He turned to face them, but still continuing running backward. "Did you hear t–" Aragorn tripped over a rock and went rolling down an incline. He tried many times to stop, but it was no use. He continued rolling until he hit level ground.
Frodo nearly wet himself. "Oh, I am loving this! Pick your feet up, Aragorn!" He cackled wildly, Sam soon joining in.
Aragorn jumped up violently and pushed his long hair off his face. "No one saw that."
A soft rumbling in the distance caught the attention of everyone. Small figures on horseback came into view, although the horses were weaving toward them at a very slow pace. Aragorn's pride returned, and he motioned to the Hobbits.
"Frodo! Sam!" he called. "Hurry down and hide behind this big rock for no apparent reason while I call for these riders' attention." Then, he called to Legolas. "Elf! Where is Gimli?"
Legolas pointed to a stout figure trotting hastily toward Frodo and Sam. "He's on his way."
Gimli was sprinting, head down, humming a little tune. "Running sucks, Running sucks, running really, really sucks!"
Aragorn sighed, then motioned to Legolas. "Legolas! Get your Elf ass behind that rock!"
Legolas's jaw dropped open. "Pardon? Why must I cower behind the rocks amongst the Hobbits?"
"Hey. . ." Sam began, but Frodo pushed him down.
Aragorn massaged his temple. "Would you just do as I say?"
"Look, Human," Legolas shot back planting his hands firmly on his hips. "You are not the supreme ruler around here. Don't you remember what Gandalf said? We are both supposed to lead the Fellowship."
"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" Frodo called. "Go for it, Legolas! Deck him!"
Sam shot Frodo a weird look.
Frodo shrugged. "What?"
Aragorn sighed. "Fine. Just stay there. But, don't come crying to me when these men don't like Elves."
The men on horses came closer to the Fellowship. Aragorn recognized the crest on their banners and shields and threw his hands into the air. "Riders of Rohan! What news of the Mark?"
The riders veered to a sloppy halt. The smell of whiskey and beer permeated the air. The made a sort-of circle around Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir. Eomer leaned forward and sang to the four. "Home, home on the range! Where the cat and the birdie can playyyyyy! HIC! Wait. What are you, no, what are WE doing? HIC!"
Aragorn, unsure of what to say, threw a glance to Legolas. Legolas just bugged his eyes out and shook his head, signaling that he didn't know how to handle the situation either. Gimli and Boromir said nothing, although Boromir's left eye had begun to twitch.
Frodo shook his head. "They don't know what they're doing. Stupid idi–" he tried to stand, but Sam pulled him back into the dirt.
"Don't, Frodo," Sam whispered, peering over the top of the rock. "Let them handle it."
"BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRPPP!" Eomer let out a belch and slumped to the ground off his horse. He rubbed his eyes fiercely and glared at Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir as if he were seeing them for the first time. "What would two –HIC!– men, an Elf, and an ugly-looking little girl want to know about Rohan?"
Legolas couldn't help himself. A snort escaped. Then a chuckle, and pretty soon he was guffawing with laughter, holding up one finger at Gimli. "And ugly-looking little girl! A girl!!" He repeated over and over.
Boromir's eye twitched some more, and he mumbled to himself. "Stop. . .leave. . . don't do that. . ."
"ACK! An ugly girl, you say?" Gimli bellowed. He pulled his axe out and swung it menacingly around. "Stupid. . . .goddamn. . . .son of an ass crack. . . .mother fu. . . ."
"Oh, Gimli, he didn't mean it. Look, this is getting–holy sh–" Frodo had once again tried to emerge from behind the rock, and once again Sam had jerked him back into hiding.
Legolas had finally recovered. He nudged Aragorn in the ribs. "Well, you wanted to be in charge. Go ahead. Attempt to get information out of a drunkard and his band of merry men."
"That's it," Aragorn said. "You and me, Elf. As soon as we pass by another mud pit." Aragorn cleared his throat. He placed a hand on Eomer's shoulder. "Excuse me, sir. What is your name?"
Eomer let out a cackle. "Noooooo. . . .what is YOUR name?"For some odd reason, he unsheathed his sword and snarled at Aragorn.
Aragorn was quite taken aback by this behavior, but he covered it. "Peace, my friend. I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, this is Boromir of Gondor, Legolas of the Woodland Realm. And this is Gimli, son of Gloin. A dwarf. A male dwarf. We have been tracking a band of Orcs who captured for of our friends. Have you by any chance seen them?"
Eomer thought for half a second. "Nope. Can't say that I have."
Gimli gasped. "You haven't seen two Hobbits? Two Hobbit and a couple of Elf witch lasses?"
Eomer thought for another half second. "No. . .wait! No, no I haven't. Wait! Yes, we did."
Legolas lunged forward. "You have? Are the fallers all right? Were the fallers of the sky safe and well?" He shook Eomer's shoulders violently with each syllable he spoke.
"Whoa, Elf," Eomer said, pushing Legolas off of him. "I don't know what you're talking about. Fallers. . . .that is messed up, dude. No, we saw a bunch of Orcs, and we kicked their asses. There's no way two little girls could've done that. We DID that! Cause we're MEN!" He glanced at his men. "We didn't see any Elf witches or Hobbits, did we?" Everyone shook their heads.
Legolas's beautiful brow wrinkled, and he sighed. "Oh. . . .oh, Aragorn. . . ."
"If your friends were among them, we didn't see them. But, if you're willing to sift through some nasty ass Orc corpses, We– meaning my men and I– piled them over there, and set them afire." Eomer's blurry eyes scanned the somber faces of the men, the Elf, and the Dwarf. "Look, we're sorry. Here, have four of our horses. I'm sure they'll compensate for your friends." Eomer jumped up onto his horse and began to ride away.
Legolas clenched his teeth, and before anyone could stop him, he had notched an arrow and let it fly. He hit Eomer's horse squarely in the rear. The horse bucked his drunken rider off and galloped away after the rest of the Riders.
Frodo watched Eomer roll around on the ground. Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer. "You bastard son of a bitch!" He ran as fast as his Hobbit feet would take him and began punding his massive feet into Eomer's face. "I can't believe you! Those were my friends!"
Aragorn ran to pull Frodo off Eomer. "Frodo, calm down. There's nothing we can do now." Aragorn glanced to make sure no one was looking, then he hocked a big loogie right onto Eomer's left cheek. "That one. . .was from me. Remember that."
Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli had already mounted two of the horses, Gimli sitting uncomfortably behind Legolas. Aragorn quickly grabbed one of the other horse's reins and hopped on. "Frodo, ride with Boromir. Sam, you come with me."
Frodo sighed. "I don't want to ride with him. He's a crazy ass."
Boromir didn't even acknowledge the statement. His eye just twitched fiercely, and he muttered something about Borry and the One Ring.
"Frodo, I don't have time for this. You and Sam ride the other horse then," Aragorn said. He galloped off toward the thick cloud of smoke off in the distance.
Frodo grabbed the reins of the vacant horse, and stared up at the towering beast. "Um. . . hi." Frodo decided that it would be best to make small talk for a while before actually climbing on the animal that was four times as big as him. The horse eyed Frodo and Sam warily. "Quit looking at me like that," Frodo said. The horse snorted and looked away. "That's what I thought." He somehow managed to cram one of his Hobbit feet into a stirrup. "All right," he told Sam. "Now just push me-----Augh!" Frodo let out a howling screech as the horse crunched down on his other foot with his massive hoof.
A short distance away, Legolas was having trouble steering his horse in the right direction.
"Are we just going to stand here all day, Elf?" Gimli asked impatiently.
"Shut your ugly girl face," Legolas huffed. Legolas nudged the sides of his horse lightly, but the horse just snorted and began munching quietly on some grass. "Steady on boy!" Legolas said, snapping the reins. "This way!" The horse remained in the same spot.
"Good steering, Elf," Gimli chuckled.
"Shut. . . .your. . . .face," Legolas said. He finally jammed his heels into the horse's side as hard as he could. "Yippe I Ki-Yay, motherfucker!" Legolas bellowed. The horse whinnied loudly and shot off toward Boromir and Aragorn.
Frodo was still hopping around, nursing his foot. Sam was losing his patience. "Frodo. . . ." He grabbed Frodo by the seat of his pants, threw him atop the horse, climbed on himself and commanded the horse to trot after the others.
"Way to take charge, Sam the Man," Frodo said.
"No time for funny names, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, sniffling. "Miss Aly and Miss Maggie could be dead."
Frodo gave Sam a small smile. "Nah. Something tells me those girls have a thing or two up their sleeves. I'll bet anything that they're over there sunbathing or having a backbend contest."
Sam wiped his tears. "I just hope you're right."