The members of the Fellowship came to a dust-stirring halt near a towering pile of burning Orc carcasses. Legolas was the first to dismount his horse. He pointed feebly at the pile. "There it. . .it is," he said quietly.
Aragorn let out a long, tired sigh as he dismounted his horse. "Yep. That. . .is one big pile of. . .Orcs."
No one spoke for a moment as Sam and Frodo joined the rest, their horse teetering and tottering to the left and right. Gimli fell off his horse, and Boromir shook his head lightly. "It's hopeless."
Sam slid off the horse, then helped Frodo to the ground. He wiped half-heartedly at the tears in his eyes. "I can't bear to look at it, Mr. Frodo."
Frodo patted his friend on the back. "There, there, Sam." He left Sam and joined Aragorn nearer to the Orc pile. "Well, what do we do now?"
Aragorn didn't say anything. He just threw one body off the pile and began digging through, searching for any sign of Maggie, Aly, and the Hobbits.
Frodo looked on in disgust, covering his nose. "Aragorn, you will wash your hands before you eat anything, right? I mean, Orcs are like cockroaches. They spread disease, man."
Sam had wandered closer to the forest, and one of his Hobbit feet kicked something. He stopped and picked up the item. "What's this?" he asked no one in particular.
Legolas sighed, taking the empty can of hair spray from Sam's hands. "It was one of the gifts. . .to the fallers of the sky, from Galadriel." Legolas could not maintain his composure anymore. He fell to his knees and let out a cry to the heavens. "Why?! Why did you take them from us?!"
Frodo was quite astonished by Legolas's behavior. He patted the Elf on the back. "Um, it's okay, big guy."
Sam was no help. "What about the fate of Middle Earth? I mean, have we all forgotten that Aly had the One Ring?"
Legolas's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Oh my God! Aragorn! Code blue! Code blue! What about the Ring?" he yelled as he ran toward Aragorn.
Aragorn looked up from the carcass pile. "The Ring? Ah, shit. . ." He stood up and kicked an Orc helmet clear across the clearing. "Arrrrggghhh!" He fell to his knees, then he let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "Damn it, damn it, damn it."
The rest of the Fellowship did not know what to say. Legolas muttered an Elven prayer under his breath, while Boromir continued to twitch slightly. Frodo noticed the twitching and slowly inched away from Boromir. Gimli rubbed his face with his two massive hands, while Sam let out a couple giant sobs.
Aragorn cast his eyes to the ground. He noticed a slight indention in the dirt. A small smile crept across his face as he patted the indention. "A hobbit butt sat here." His looked a bit further. "And another here. . .and two more over here."
Sam scurried over, the rest of the boys following behind him. "You can see a Hobbit butt imprint?"
Legolas peered over Aragorn's shoulder and pointed to the ground. "That's is most certainly Maggie's butt print."
Frodo jumped up and down, pointing to the ground. "Yeah, I'd notice THAT ass print anywhere! That's my sweetheart, Aly!"
Gimli grunted. "Aly doesn't have an ass."
Frodo crossed his arms. "That's why I recognized it, stupid."
Aragorn wasn't paying attention. He was following the marks on the ground, the others trailing behind him. "They stood up, fell down, stood up, then scurried over here. Look," he said, snatching up a piece of rope. "They cut their binding."
"The tracks lead away from the battle, Aragorn," Legolas supplied as they all scurried toward Aragorn, who was dashing toward a big tree that stood on the edge of the forest.
"The Hobbits went up the tree. The girls. . .were here, behind it," Aragorn said. He picked up an empty hair spray can, then cast it back to the ground. "There are footprints over here. Hobbit footprints."
Gimli was looking in a different direction than everyone else. He suddenly sucked in a rattling breath and pointed. "There are scorch marks over here! Those Riders lied! They didn't do this, the fallers of the sky did. Elf Witches messed with fire!"
Legolas scratched his head. "The cans. . .and a lighter! The girls were fighting!"
Boromir, who had been twitching insanely for the past few minutes, let out a loud bellow. "Myyyyyy. . .PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!" He dropped down to all fours and bounded away, still screaming madly.
Aragorn stood up, startled. "Boromir!"
Gimli grunted. "He knows where the Ring is, the little rat!" Gimli took off at a trot behind Boromir.
A glimmer of hope flitted across Legolas's face, and he took off after Gimli. Aragorn motioned to Sam and Frodo, and they all broke into a run. They tromped around the edge of the forest trying to keep up with Boromir.
They finally skidded to a halt and fell into a big heap near an old oak tree. Aragorn looked up and saw Maggie and Aly lying on the ground propped up on their elbows. Pippin was using a big leaf to fan Aly's face, and Merry was rubbing suntan lotion on Maggie's shoulders.
Frodo and Aragorn managed to disentangle themselves from the heap first. They leap to their feet and yelled. "Merry, Pippin! Fallers of the sky!"
Aly tipped her sun shades down. "Guys?"
The others had managed to rise to their feet. The ran over to the girls in slow motion, while Merry and Pippin broke into a rousing rendition of "The Boys are Back in Town."
"Aly!" Frodo screamed. "My no-bottomed woman!"
"Hey Fr–" Aly was knocked flat on her back as Frodo pounced on her.
Boromir pounced on top of both of them, sniffing the air wildly. "Precious, Precious, wherezzzz is it?"
"Augh!" Aly said, pushing both of them off of her. "Crazy ass Boromir."
"Guess who just got back today! Those wild eyed boys who went away!" Merry and Pippin belted out.
"Oh, I'm so happy that I might wet myself!" Pippin announced gleefully.
Maggie stood up and smiled shyly at Legolas. "Hi, Leggy."
"My. . .my fallers of the sky!" Legolas swooped down and pulled Maggie and Aly into a huge embrace. Then, in a moment of sheer manic happiness, he reached over and pulled Aragorn into the hug as well.
"Whoa, did you guys miss us or something?" Maggie asked, giggling.
Sam sniffled. "Of course we did! We missed all of you!" He pulled Merry and Pippin's head into his chest, then let out another sniffle. "I'm just so. . .so happy!" He lunged forward and joined the group hug, dragging Merry and Pippin along with him.
Frodo squeezed his way into the hug as well. "It was so boring without you," he said to Aly and Maggie.
Aly laughed. "Frodo my man."
Gimli let out a grunt. "Ack! I missed the little buggers as well, even if they are Elf witches! Ack!" He threw himself into the hug.
"Well, we missed you guys too!" Maggie said, although it was muffled because she was talking into Legolas's armpit.
No one said anything for a few seconds. Everyone just stood in a massive heap, latched onto each other. They were quite a sight to see. Such a sight, in fact, that a couple of squirrels emerged from their home and had a big laugh about the big, stupidly emotional people.
Silence wore on. There was nothing on the air except the squirrel's laughter and Boromir, who was crouched a few feet away, sucking his thumb.
"Um, guys," Maggie finally spoke, although her voice was now muffled by Aragorn's butt. "This is a very touching Hallmark moment, but we must remember the task at hand. The Ring."
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn backed away quickly, as if suddenly remembering that guys aren't allowed to hug other guys. Aragorn cleared his throat. "Yes, the Ring. Aly, do you still have it?"
"Yeah, it's right here," Aly said, patting the left pocket of her jeans.
Maggie brushed her hair out of her eyes. "So, what have you guys been up to?"
"Running our asses off," Gimli grunted.
Legolas laughed. "Yes, Eomer and the Riders of Rohan told us that they had killed the band of Orcs. We thought you were dead."
"He said WHAT?" Aly boomed. "Goddamn man, I'm gonna kill his sorry ass."
Merry pointed to two animals near the forest. "Speaking of asses, Eomer gave us one named Milton. And an old mare named Gertie. Said it was all he could spare."
"He gave us some awesome horses," Frodo said.
"Oh shut up," Aly said.
"Hee haw!" Milton said in response to the conversation.
"Pffffffttttttt." A long, lengthy toot was all Gertie had to add to the conversation.
Aragorn turned back to Aly. "You better give Frodo the Ring back."
"No prob," she said. She fished it out of her pocket and tried to drop it into Frodo's hand, but she missed. The One Ring went rolling into the forest and out of sight.
"Oh no!" Maggie said.
"All right! Everyone spread out!" Legolas called. "We need to find it as quickly as possible."
"Yes," Aragorn said. "Listen to Legolas. Let us all go into the dangerous forest of unknown ag and anger." He stepped inside the forest, hunched over close to the ground. Merry frolicked behind him, while Boromir chased a butterfly.
"Unknown age and anger?" Frodo repeated, crossing his arms. "That sounds safe. "Sure, let's plod right on in there."
Aly was standing on the edge of the forest, completely still, her eyes closed. She seemed to be muttering to herself. Maggie stepped a little closer to her. "Noises in the dark. . .water. . .thorns. . .vines. . .murky night shadows. . . .falling into the. . . ." Aly said softly, her eyes still clamped shut.
"Aly? What's wrong?" Maggie asked.
"Miss Aly?" Sam said, crossing over to her.
"Aly, are you having a flashback?" Maggie asked.
Aly shook her head a bit, and her eyes twitched slightly. "It's. . .the. . . .LAGOON!" Aly dropped to the ground and curled into the fetal position slowly rocking back and forth.
Maggie's lip trembled. She turned to address everyone else. "She can't go in there!"
"What?" Aragorn yelled as he emerged from the forest and started walking toward Maggie and Aly.
Legolas trotted over as well. "Why not?"
"Noises! Noises everywhere!" Aly screeched. "In the dark! Alone! That damn jack and tire iron. The vines! THORNS!"
"Bad experience with thickly grown forests," Maggie explained as she crouched over Aly. "This one time. . .flat tire. . .broke down. . .in the middle of nowhere. . ."
"Flat tire?" Pippin wondered aloud.
"She had to go through the aptly named lagoon for help. Once by herself."
Aly sat bolt upright. "You don't understand. . .the lagoon. Only Kate knows of it. She went there too. . .THORNS! And snakes. . .water in my shoes. . .snakes. . .eh. . ."
"Kate's my sister," Maggie explained before anyone could ask. "She went with Aly the first time."
Frodo sat down on the ground by Aly. "Come on, Aly. I'm sure this forest won't be as bad. Um. . ." He started bobbing his head a bit, then broke out into a song. " Here's a little song I wrote. . .you might want to sing it note for note. . .don't worry, be happy."
Aragorn sighed and rubbed his temples. "Aly, I'm glad you're back with us, and I'm not going to leave you out here, so. ." He picked up Aly and slung her over one of his muscular shoulders and trotted off for Fangorn Forest.
Something in the forest gave out a loud rumble. Aragorn stopped and unsheathed his sword.
"LAGOOOOOOON!!!!!" Aly wailed.
"Stop screaming," Aragorn commanded. "Listen."
The rumbling got louder and louder. Suddenly, the large oak tree that sat in the middle of the forest edge leaned out and wiggled his branches. "Whoo, mon!" he spoke in a deep, thick Jamaican accent. He held out one of his branches to Aragorn. The Ring was resting on a nest of leaves. "Lose dis?"
Merry screamed. Frodo screamed. Gimli screamed like a girl.
"What's all dee commotion, ay mon?" The oak tree asked.
Aragorn reached out and took the Ring. After giving it back to Frodo, he sat Aly down and squinted up at the tree. "An Ent?"
"Of course I'm an Ent, mon!" the oak tree rumbled.
Aly had regained her composure. "Let me handle this." She stalked toward the tree.
"Aly come back! He may bite!" Merry said, who was clutching Pippin's arm.
"Don't talk to it! Don't encourage it!" Pippin added.
"Um. . .hello," Aly called to the tree. "You're name's Treebeard, right? Right. Wait, what am I diong? Um, I'm talking to a tree. This is insane. Oh, I had a point here."
"Aly!" Aragorn called. "Get on with whatever you're doing."
"Right," Aly said. She turned back to Treebeard. "Um, Mr. Treebeard. . .sir? You wouldn't happen to know where any white wizards are, do you?"
"SARUMAN!" Boromir screamed as he began running in circles.
"Wizards?" Treebeard folded his limbs across his trunk. "Don't tink so, little wo-mon."
"Damn it, Treebeard. You're supposed to take us to the White Wizard. Does any of this ring a bell?" Treebeard just scratched his trunk with one long branch finger.
The other members of the Fellowship were too stunned to do anything. Legolas and Sam were both standing with their mouths hanging open, in awe of the talking tree. Gimli scratched his ass. Frodo noticed Gimli scratching his ass, and decided to scratch his own.
"Mags? A little help here?" Aly called.
Maggie stepped slowly forward. "Hi," she said to Treebeard. "Haha. I'm talking to a tree."
Treebeard paid them no attention. Instead, he got out his dime bag and rolling paper, and began rolling a doobie. Frodo nearly fell over with laughter. "The tree is smoking grass! Hahaha! C'mon, am I the only one who thinks that is funny? Tree? Grass? Get it?"
"Want a hit of me toke, little wo-mon?" Treebeard extended the doobie to Aly.
"Hmm. . .wait, damn it, no! Listen here you!" She stalked up to Treebeard and climbed up, so she could look him straight in the eye.
"Ay, peace an love, little wo-mon!" he said to her. "Before we tolk anymore, I tink we may need to hov a Ent meetin'. Wit oll me fella Ents."
"LOOK!" Aly yelled. "I've had four goddamn days of running with some smelly ass Uruk-Hair, and I'll be damned if you're having an Ent meeting right now. . . . MON!"
"Why don't you just tell us where the wizard is, then haul your ass down South toward Saruman for a bit. I'm sure you'll find something of interest down there!" Maggie yelled from the ground.
Treebeard picked Aly up and placed her back on the ground. "I tink I'll take a stroll to Sarumon's crib right now, mon. Oh, and before I forget. . ." he pointed to another tree in the forest. "Someone told me to point you in the direction of dat tree." Treebeard turned away from the Fellowship and started walking slowly through the forest.
"Thanks!" Aly called. Then, she turned to Maggie. "Dumber than a block of wood." Maggie giggled.
"But," Frodo said, "Treebeard is a bl. . .HAHAH! I get it!"
Aly wrapped her arm around Frodo's neck and gave him a noogie. "Come on, Frodo my man. Accompany me on a short trek through the forest." The rest of the Fellowship trotted off toward the tree that the Ent had pointed out to them.