Hello to our devoted fans! Sorry about the long hiatus. We found it difficult to continue with the story without having a movie to follow along with. But, now that "TTT" is out on video, the chapters will be rolling on out. Please read and review, and we'll see you all again in 1974.....no? We heard that somewhere...
As the Fellowship trekked into the forest towards the looming tree they were directed toward, Maggie kindly engaged everyone in a game of I-Spy.
"Aly, I spy…something…green," she stated.
"Leggy's pants - namely the ass of his pants," Aly supplied glancing around.
"Aly! That's not fair…You two have tele..YOU CAN READ HER MIND!" Sam exclaimed, pointing at the two. Gimli nodded and murmured something about Elf Witches and all that BS mind reading crap.
Aly and Maggie glanced at each other and exchanged a slight shrug.
As Boromir dashed among the trees, Frodo stayed close to Aly, clinging to her leg. Maggie stayed at a nice distance to Legolas's back, Gimli tripped every now and then cursing about sons of bitches. Merry and Pippin were busy chasing a random butterfly while Aragorn tried to ignore everyone for the sake of his sanity.
However, his sanity would have to wait as the Elf suddenly stopped and glanced around with a strange concentrating expression on his face. "This forest is old…very old."
Frodo peeked around Aly's side. "No way?" He questioned sarcastically. "I would've never guessed from the rotten smell and the masses of dangling moss!!" He gestured around the forest before planting his hands on his hips.
"Can forests BE anything BUT old??" Sam questioned, trekking behind Frodo and Aly, his pots and pans clanging around with his hobbity stride.
"Boromir, quit dashing around like that! You'll disturb something!" Aragorn hissed as the Son of Gondor shot past, executing the tuck-and-roll maneuver.
"Jesus. . . male PMS," Maggie murmured, which made Aly snigger.
"Aw, come on now," Sam began protesting in Aragorn's defense. "Mr. Strider's got a lot of stress on him right now, what with being heir to the entire kingdom of Gondor and being the last hope for the race of Men and all…"
Aragorn turned around and gave Sam a stern look. "Sam," he said, catching the hobbit's attention sharply.
Sam looked up and his little eyes widened. "Oh . . . I reckon I shouldn't of said that . . ." he mentioned quietly.
Aragorn cleared his throat. "If I could just for-"
The King-to-be was cut off by the Elf again. "This forest is full of memory," Legolas stated. "And anger . . ."
"Leggy, enough with the forest talk - would ya?" Aly replied. "The forest can speak for itself…literally."
"I'm a Wood-Elf, what the damn do you expect?!" Legolas said loudly, despite his usual quiet ways.
"Fuck or hell, dearest . . . not damn. You're still stuck on the 'damns,'" Maggie corrected, stroking the Elf's arm.
"Goddamnit…I must piss," Aly stated. "I shall return." She trotted off without a look back as Aragorn hissed at her to stay where she was.
"Damn Elf Witch…son of a b-"
Maggie had had enough of Gimli and his 'Elf witch' statements. As he was walking past her, she put her foot out and he promptly toppled over, his axe flying into the closest tree. Maggie glanced around before whistling and walking away.
"That was almost my head!" Pippin exclaimed, appearing from the brush around that particular tree, his hair strangely parted.
Once more it sounded as if massive farts were being passed between the trees of Fangorn Forest. Pippin leapt from his place to pounce on Maggie. "HOLD ME!" he shouted.
"Don't you be pissin' on me now!" Maggie cried, trying to detach the hobbit from her.
"The trees are speaking to each other," Legolas commented, safely out of Aly's hearing - where ever she was.
"Gimli!" Maggie exclaimed. "Get your axe out of that tree, dumb ass! You pissed them off!"
Gimli was busy inspecting the substance he had landed in. So, Merry flexed his hobbity muscles and strode over to the axe, jumped slightly to grasp it and gave a mighty jerk. This succeeded in freeing the axe from the tree - however, Merry hadn't gone to the Shire gym quite often enough, and he flipped forward with the weight of the massive axe.
"OY!" he shouted as Frodo burst out laughing.
Boromir suddenly came bounding out of the trees and leapt for Aragorn, landing in his arms like Shaggy and Scooby Doo.
"Borry! What the-" Frodo was cut off by the high pitch scream that resonated from Boromir's mouth. With this incredibly annoying and feminine sound, the winds shifted and Legolas was quick enough to say that the White Wizard was approaching, even though no one could really hear him over Boromir's screaming. .
Aragorn, however, heard this and dropped Boromir, and joined Legolas, glancing around suspiciously. "We mustn't let him speak. He'll cast a spell on us," he whispered to the Elf, grasping his sword as Legolas notched an arrow.
Suddenly the forest lit brightly with a white light that appeared from seemingly no where. Boromir screeched once more. Pippin, characteristically, screamed as well then wet himself. Legolas, with his Elf reflexes, shot off two arrows that, remarkably, were blocked by the strange light. Gimli, oblivious to the happenings around him, was still inspecting the substance he had landed in.
"Damn it!" Aragorn exclaimed, dropping his sword that suddenly heated to fry his hand. The sword, unfortunately, landed on Boromir's head - who still lay in a panic on the ground at the Ranger's feet.
"IT BURNSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!"
As things quieted after a short moment or two, Maggie shielded her eyes to the light and ventured a step forward. "Jesus. . .is that you?"
"You came here in the guidance of an Ent," the light spoke.
"And?" Frodo probed. Sam delivered a sharp nudge to Frodo's side and gave him a stern look.
The light faltered and a grumble was heard. Then the voice continued, "I know who you are. Does that comfort you?"
"The fuck it does!" Maggie exclaimed. "I'm a sinner!"
Aly chose then to come back into view, fitting a vine around the waist of her pants since the button was gone. "You guys realize how big the leaves are aroun-" she glanced up and went stark white. "JESUS! THE RAPTURE HAS COME!"
"I should've listened to my Sunday school teacher when I was 5!!" Maggie added, clinging to Pippin. "Bow down, Pippin. It's our Lord and Savior!" she wailed, dragging Pippin to the ground with her.
"He's come to take us away, Hot Old Guy!" Aly cried, springing to Aragorn and clutching his arm.
Frodo, in a moment of bravery, puffed out his chest and marched forward. "Hey! Look here you . . .Jesus . . .person. Just what business do you have with these two?"
Legolas, fueled from Frodo's bravery, spoke up boldly. "You are not ta-"
"Jesus? Who?" The voice from the light spoke up with an oddly familiar accent. "What are you talking about?" The light began to dim, and the figure's face came into view. "He questioned, squinting into the light.
"Gramps?!" Maggie and Aly exclaimed in a high pitched voice.
"Don't you 'Gramps' me you little Elf-Witches!" Gandalf said loudly, jumping off the trunk he was standing on while waving away the misty white 'light'. "Nearly got yourselves killed with those Uruk-Hai, I see!"
Maggie frowned and glanced at Aly. "Not really," she said. "We kicked their asses, no thanks to our little male friends over there," she added throwing a thumb towards Merry and Pippin. Merry just waved meekly, as Pippin was trying to block anyone's notice of the 'wet-spot'.
"This cannot be. You stayed behind. You stayed with the nudists," Aragorn said, a flabbergasted look on his face as he stared at the 'white' wizard.
"Yes. Yes, I did," Gandalf murmured, his eyes suddenly getting a distant look in them.
Gandalf water skiing with one hand withou-
"WHOA!" Frodo exclaimed suddenly. "Way too graphic of thoughts here," he said, nearly staggering at the sudden dizzy spell that overcame him. Aly laid a hand on his shoulder with a reassuring pat.
"Just…don't think about it," she told him.
"That.." Sam started, "Could have been life scarring," he said, his eyes blank and his face pale.
Gandalf, mean while, was glaring at them. "I am comfortable with my bod-" A sudden breeze passed through the forest and swept around the old Wizard, blowing the lip of his cloak up around his chest, in a truly horrifying Marilyn Monroe moment. It then became obvious that their friend Gandalf had taken up a new fashion: going commando.
"IT BURNSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" Boromir cried from his place on the ground. This was soon followed by the Son of Gondor spasming then blacking out.
"Holy Mother of Christ!!" Maggie exclaimed, quickly shielding her eyes and Legolas's. "Ever hear of underwear?!?!"
Gandalf pushed the cloak back down and was beet red under his grey bread. "Erm.."
The forest was then silent besides the ragged breathing of the Fellowship as they tried to recover from the worst fashion crime known to humanity…or Elfity…or Dwa- Yes. Living Things…ity.
"Sam..?" Aly said, feeling out blindly as she was afraid to open her eyes. "Sam man?"
Sam, however, was frozen. His eyes wide and terrified and he gently swayed back and forth. Aly opened half an eye to look at him. "SAM!" she exclaimed. "He's in shock! Look what you've done, Gandalf!"
Gandalf frowned and looked at Aragorn, who was more than happy that he was on the blocked side of the wizard. "Gandalf?" Gandalf questioned. "Yes. . . that's what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey." Aragorn glanced from side to side then nodded gingerly, waiting for him to continue. " I and Gandalf the Nude."
The group visibly shuddered. Merry finally hoisted the axe off of him and stood. "Gandalf the who?"
"Someone just say The Who?" Maggie asked, uncovering her eyes and peering around.
"Who's the who?" Legolas asked.
"The Who," Maggie replied.
"Who?" Frodo questioned.
"The Who. They're who," Aly supplied.
"They're whose who?" Sam enquired.
"Who has who?" Gimli piped up.
"No - Who is the Who. That's Who," Maggie gritted out.
"Who's what?" Aragorn frowned as he asked.
"Who is the Who!" Aly exclaimed.
"That's what we're asking you!" The male members of the fellowship shouted back.
Maggie and Aly looked at each other and just sighed and hung their heads. "Never mind," Maggie muttered. "Gramps - let's go get you some horse power." she said, meandering her way to Aly then the two walked defeated out of the forest.
"Erm…Is someone going to get Borry and Pippin?" Merry asked as the group followed.
Once out of the forest, Legolas threw Boromir down on the ground then Aragorn toppled Pippin on him as well. Everyone kind of just stood around a moment until Gandalf glanced up.
"Oh., right," he said, licking his lips making Aly grimace and Frodo bury his face in the nearest horse's flank. Soon a piercing whistle was heard, then a lower one that wavered in the wind. Aly's eyes anxiously looked towards the plains and she jumped for joy when a loud whinney replied to the whistle.
"Jesus," Maggie muttered, looking at Sam and jerking a thumb in Aly's direction. "Her and that damn horse obsession."
Boromir stirred and blinked. Looking up, he noted Gandalf was standing over him, and that he could see clearly up Gandalf's robe. He was speechless, needless to say. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Gandalf glanced down at Boromir, and gave him a puzzled look. "Were you in cold water a lot?" Boromir questioned as he pointed to something up Gandalf's robe, making all heads snap in his direction.
"Oh my god! That's disgusting!" Maggie cried as the man, Elf, dwarf, and hobbits laughed at this. Aly snorted and Maggie peered at her, her face showing how appalled she was.
Gandalf, meanwhile, had turned thirty shades red and pointed at Boromir. "Don't make me turn you into a toad!!" he exclaimed, as a sudden thunder - in the sunny day - rumbled around them.
In the mean time, Shadowfax had made his massive entrance and came to Gandalf's side with a snort.
"Shadowfax," Gandalf greeted, forgetting about the human that was crawling out of sight.
"Aly…Close your mouth," Maggie instructed of her friend as she stared at the beautiful horse.
"He's just so majestic. I want . . ." Aly whispered.
"He's the Lord of all horses, Aly .I don't think you can have him," Legolas stated.
"Pfffffffttttt." The old mare Aly and Maggie received from Eomer made her presence remembered with the next breeze. Even Shadowfax snorted as the other horses backed after from Gertie and the horrible stench.
"Heee-Haww!" Milton called, then sneezed.
"He has allergies," Merry told Sam. Sam just nodded.
"Where are we going, anyway?" Frodo suddenly spoke.
"Edoras," Gandalf supplied. "To King Theoden and his niece--"
"Bitch ass ho," Aly suddenly said, her eyes shooting to Aragorn. Aragorn glanced around then pointed to himself. "Yeah, you! She's going to come for you, Aragorn!"
"She's going to want to rape you!" Maggie suddenly screamed as well.
Aragorn's eyes had gone wide as he looked at the two. They both sprang forward hugging him tightly.
"Don't worry, Hot Old Guy! We'll keep her away!" Maggie assured.
Aly muttered something to the likes of, gonna-kick-me-some-shield-maiden-ass…bitch-ass-ho, or something along those lines.
"Girls!" Legolas exclaimed. Both let go of Aragorn, who was still confused, and looked at the Elf who was already on his horse. "We have to leave sometime," Legolas stated.
Aly leaned towards Maggie, "I think he's just jealous you were giving Aragorn attention and not him…Better go rape him now," Aly told her friend.
Maggie thought on this for a split second, then stepped forward.
"Get on that horse there, or I'll spear you through!" Gandalf suddenly appeared on Shadowfax between Maggie and the Elf. Maggie blinked up at him then quickly did his bidding to climb atop the same horse Sam and Frodo had ridden on just before.
"Take Pippin," Aragorn said, picking the still unconscious hobbit up and giving him to Maggie.
"You know.." Aly said, looking at the mare and the ass some distance away munching peacefully. "I think we should just let them be free." She glanced at everyone else who just sort of shrugged. "Bah ha!" She exclaimed racing towards one of the vacant horses. "MINE!" She shouted, bounding onto the horse.
"Wait, what about Boromir?" Legolas asked as Aly helped Frodo up onto the horse to sit behind her, Merry joined Maggie and the currently unavailable Pippin, and Sam was hoisted up to sit behind Aragorn.
"FREE!!!!!!!!" Boromir cried, bounding forward on all fours.
Aly glanced at Maggie with a concerned look. "He's going to fuckin' die if he keeps this shit up," she said bluntly.
"How do you sit on these things?" Gimli asked from behind Legolas.
"To Edoras!" Gandalf exclaimed, annoyed with the amount of commotion over a few GD horses…
Shadowfax took off into the praries after Boromir and the rest of the Fellowship quickly followed as the tapping from the song, "Low Rider" suddenly echoed over the fields.
Gertie and Milton suddenly looked at the band of Low Riders and glanced at each other.
"Poot - POOT- POOTTTTTTTTT!!" Gertie and Milton, not two to be left behind, burst forth and followed the group and the grasses wilted in their trail…
"All my friends no the low riders…"