The sun dipped low into the horizon. Colors of blues, yellows, oranges, and reds painted across the vast sky signaling the soon arrival of twilight. The birds no longer took to the skies and the nightly insects were slowly humming to life in the massive grass lands that were dotted with the occasional boulder or rock uprising.
One could hear the crickets slowly sing their night song as the frogs from a nearby stream joined in and the evening was in peace. However, the peace, as with all Middle Earth, was soon disrupted. A strange piercing sound split the air. It almost sounded like a scream that was prolonged and bouncing along the terrain.
From a distance a rider could be seen as he passed along the fields, a trail of dust behind him and his arms frailing everywhere. Behind him followed a strange Gollumy creature who galloped on all fours after the renegade rider. Soon following this Gollumy creature came two more riders shouting numerous things. Then, alas, behind them came a dust cloud of other riders – arms, legs, and other body parts better left unsaid come thundering across the field.
They soon pass with the strange echoing of a female's voice shouting, "I said pull the reins Leggy, for God's sake!! No, grab them first!!"
"Grab what?!" A male's voice replied over the shrieking of another dwarfish scream.
And as they pass, the field is once more in peace and silence. Oh, but what's this? A ..Oh dear God! A horrible smell! For the sake of everything sacred, someone get some Lysol quick! Jesus (Censored) Christ! Someone – Oh God!
"Heee-Haw!" Milton trotted faithfully behind the farting mare as they left an obvious trail along the field in which some anonymous narrator fell into shadow.
Two Hours Later:
Gandalf and Aragorn came to a halt at the top of a small hill. Within their sight they could see the Rohan city they sought. Outside its walls were various signs with massive arrows stating, "Come see the Possessed King!" and "Demon King!! Children's tickets FREE!"
"It is as I feared," Gandalf stated with a grumble while families took sketch pictures outside the walls.
"Edoras," the wizard stated, looking at the city on the great crest of Rohan, "home to Theoden and his court. Do not let your eyes be fooled, Saruman's evil festers here."
"I wouldn't have guessed," Aragorn muttered as he peered at the signs.
Aly suddenly came flying up next to Aragorn and slid her horse to a stop. Peering at the signs she said, "You think the hobbs can get in for free? They can pass for kids."
Gandalf gave her a glare, as did Frodo and the now coherent Sam.
"What? Money management people!" she defended herself.
In a moment Maggie's horse drug its feet to stand next to Aly's.
Maggie added shifting in the saddle. "God – Aly, are these supposed to be this uncomfortable?"
Aly shifted as well and grimaced. "Rather hard, aren't they great horse-Elf?!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, snapping her gaze around to see Legolas clutching his saddle as his horse bounded up the small hill to a stop.
"I'm a wood-Elf and horses are considered the spawn of Sauron in Woodland Realms!" Legolas replied with a hiccup.
"They are not," Aragorn pointed out after a moment of thought from aboard his healthy steed.
"I'm the Prince of Mirkwood – they will be by the time I get backIf I make it alive or all in tact," he added after a moment while hiccupping again.
"Leggy, dear, you look a little green in the face," Maggie pointed out the obvious. Legolas was more than obviously sick. A green tinge colored his face and he looked ready to vomit at any moment.
"Horse-Sickness," he grumbled. "Gimli, give me my vom bag."
Gimli gave a heavy sigh and handed forth the small white bag to the Elf in front of him. Legolas promptly relived his previous meal.
Aly smacked her head with her hand and sighed heavily. At this time Maggie tilted her head and sniffed the air slightly. Frodo looked at her fearfully.
"Sam didn't have any special soup did he??" Frodo asked meekly.
Merry and Pippin went silent from their game of Famous Evil King's name game and clung to Maggie in fear as they all remembered Frodo's little incident with Sam's Special Soup. The Triple SPure work of Sauronit was.
"I most certainly did not!" Sam retorted, shifting. "It's that horse and ass back there."
"Sam, what did I tell you about calling Borry names?" Aly said, peering over her shoulder to see the small hobbit.
"SecretAGENT MAN!" Borry bounded by singing his little tune while the farting mare and the ass trotted behind their new found companion.
Maggie frowned as she watched them race towards the Edoras. "The hell? Nude Man – shouldn't we be going to go kick some ass or something?" Maggie asked.
Gandalf was busily smoking his pipe-weed as she asked. Aragorn glared before he snatched the pipe from him. "Nud- Gandalf! You're supposed to be leading us here!" he exclaimed.
Gandalf coughed a bit and wobbled on Shadowfax's back. Glancing around, he said, "Anyone have any lembas bread?? I've got the munchies."
"Oh Christ, the wizard is high," Aly grumbled and shook her head.
"I am not high! Now – onward, Fellowship!" Gandalf declared, nearly toppling off of Shadowfax as the horse sprinted up the hill. The remaining Fellowship glanced between themselves before following.
"Think happy thoughts, Leggy!" Maggie called as Legolas' stomach grumbled loudly.
"Just..Ah, Christ.." he replied as he emptied the remaining amounts of digesting food into the bag.
As the Fellowship thundered into the gates of Edoras, a strange ominous flag of the Rohan country came fluttering down. Unfortunately it draped around the running-in-circles Boromir.
"The DARK!!" he exclaimed in panic. With that, the Son of Gondor ran away from his dusty circle before colliding with the wall surrounding the Rohan city. He moved no more after that.
"Welcome, Welcome!!" A man dressed in bright colors exclaimed. "Come on; get in a group for a picture!!"
Too late for anyone to reply, Mr. Fast-Hands drew out the picture and handed it over to Sam. "Enjoy your stay here at Demon-Ruled City!!"
"The fuck?" Maggie asked looking behind her as the Fellowship continued into the city.
"Merry, Look!" Pippin exclaimed, pointing at a huge buffet table. Before Maggie could say anything, she was alone on her horse again and the two hobbits were racing towards the large display of food.
"Save some for others!" Maggie called.
"Bright colors," Gandalf noted as he rode through ahead of the group.
"Hot Old Guy – Look out!!" Aly exclaimed. Aragorn, too busy looking at a woman on the height of the stairs, couldn't react in time before a neon green and yellow Cat in the Hat hat was popped on his read that had an arrow pointing down at him saying, "I survived the Possessed King!"
People danced around them for coins and a loud chorus of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was being sung somewhere near them.
"They've lost their minds!" Maggie exclaimed.
"I'll second that!" Sam replied peering at the strange acting people.
It didn't take long for the Fellowship to come to the stairs of the Royal Home and all grunted and groaned as they dismounted. Legolas just fell off the left side of his horse and hiccupped on the ground.
"Come on Leggy," Maggie said, stiffly moving towards him.
"I'llI'll catch up," he grumbled back before Aragorn suddenly grabbed the cuff of his collar and hoisted him up.
"Come on Legolas, we're going to need your Elf-senses in here," Aragorn told him, ripping off his bright hat as he walked. Legolas just groaned in reply.
"Urgh, the boys are seriously damaged," Frodo announced as he grabbed the crotch of his velvety Hobbit pants and slowly climbed the stairs.
"Over share, Frodo my man, over share," Aly told him, giving him a pat on the back as she pranced up the stairs behind Gandalf.
Coming to the great doors of the home they were met by a most unwelcoming party.
"I cannot allow you before Theoden, King, so armed, Gandalf Greyham," Gamling declared. Glancing around he muttered, "But if you buy season passes, I can let you in I guess."
Gandalf sighed, some of his highness wearing off. "No season passes for us," he said before nodding to those around him.
Blades, swords, arrows, bows, axes were all heavily unloaded on the awaiting guards. Aly and Maggie sniggered as the weighed-down guards left.
Gamling looked at Gandalf. "And your staff," he muttered.
Gandalf played the innocent card and gave a tired yet understanding look. "Oh, you wouldn't part an old man from his walking stick, would you?"
Gamling thought on this a moment. Then shook his head before turning to lead them inside, missing the wink Gandalf gave to Aragorn and the hobbits.
Upon entering the royal hall, the Fellowship witnessed a great change from the outside to the in. No fires burned, no bright colors littered the walls, no singing or dancing.
"The cadency of your hall has seemed to somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King," Gandalf said loudly.
Aly peered at the men who were glaring at them. She made a face and moved her hands as though she were taking a picture. "Take a picture, it lasts longer!" she whispered to them. Aragorn gave her a nudge with his elbow to make her be quiet.
"Why should Iwelcome youGandalf Stormcrow?" Theoden questioned.
"Late is the hour in which this group chooses to arrive. Be sp-"
"Grima, do we have company??" a shrill voice asked.
"Mother! I told you to stay in the dung-..Down stairs!" Grima exclaimed as the men around them chuckled.
"Oh, but we have guests!" the robust woman who could only be described as announced.
"Urgh! Just kill them!" Grima exclaimed, throwing his hands up in defeat while his mother was ushered away.
"Burn, Worm man!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, jumping between Gandalf and Grima and spraying her mace in Grima's eyes. Grima promptly squealed like a girl before collapsing to the ground. In that case, Aly was soon tackled out of sight by men in dark suits and sunglasses.
Chaos quickly ensued in a mass of flying fists, feet, and other body parts as the Fellowship jumped into fighting with Grima's SS men while Gandalf spoke in an ominous voice to Theoden.
"Mr. Frodo!" Sam exclaimed while Frodo was being spun around over a man's head. Sam was quick to tackle the man, or at least try to but ended up just latching onto his leg and biting. The man, and Frodo, went down. In his victory and to defend his friend, Sam sprang up and jumped giving the man a jack knife fall in the gut with his elbow.
Maggie, in the mean time, had her hands full. Surrounded by a handful of men she called in tactics. Balancing on one foot and raising her hands she glared and exclaimed, "Whooooohaaa!" The men all looked at each other be pouncing on her.
"Tell meDo you feel lucky?" Aragorn grumbled to his one on one opponent. The man raised a brow. "Well, do ya – Punk!" Ducking the swing at him, Hot Old Guy gave a knock-out hit before standing over his victim while twirling invisible pistols.
By this time Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, had his land feet back on him and was using his Elf-fighting-skills to take down as many men as possible with over-acted movements. Pausing a moment he listened with his Elf-ears before throwing his hand up and colliding with a man's face in a very monkey-on-Lion-King move.
Gimliwas busy laughing at the still squealing Grima as the down-right ugly man declared Aly a witch.
By the time Merry and Pippin came into the room a pile of hitting, kicking, and spitting men still consumed the place Maggie had been. Apples, bread, sausages and mushrooms went flying as the two realized their sex-buddy was in peril.
"We're comin' Mags!" Merry exclaimed before throwing himself onto the pile of men.
Maggie, however, was leaned against a column on the wall as the two dove into the mass. She raised a brow at the two before looking around to find Aly, who was delivering a Bubba-Blow to the man near her. The man, over six feet tall and twice the size of Aly herself, burst into tears.
"My nose is broken!" he cried. "My beautiful face!!"
Aly grimaced before hitting him again; knocking him out before she jumped around in circles and shook her hand. "My hand!! Holy fuck! I've broken my hand!"
Things in the hall soon settled and Gandalf approached Theoden. Raising a weathered hand he said, "I release you!"
Crickets chipped a few moments as nothing happened and the Fellowship glanced around at each other while Merry and Pippin peered over the pile of men they were among.
Aly twitched as Theoden began to laugh raspily. Looking at Maggie she nodded and both raced up to the chair he sat in.
Maggie stopped at the top stair and announced to everyone while pointing at anonymous men. "I need an old priest," she told one, "and a young priest!!" she ordered to the other.
Aly, in the same moment, pounced into the chair with Theoden and shook his shoulders. "The power of Christ compels you! The Power of CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" she declared.
"The fuck?" Theoden asked as she stopped shaking him. "Who the hell are you?" Saruman's voice asked.
"Erm.." Aly muttered.
Theoden's eyes suddenly got wide as Maggie jumped into the chair as well. "Fallers of the Sky!!" he exclaimed.
"Ah, you know of us then," Maggie nodded with a grin.
"But-butHoly shit!" 'Theoden' exclaimed before standing so quickly that Aly and Maggie toppled off of him and tumbled down the stairs.
Gandalf suddenly grumbled before dropping off his gray cloak, the bright whiteness of his aura blinding Theoden. The Fellowship, however, ducked their heads in case of reoccurrence from Fangorn Forest.
"I will draw you, Saruman, like venom is drawn from a wound!" he announced, waving about his staff.
Out of the corner of her eye, Aly caught sight of a particular person who rushed forward. Glancing to Aragorn who helped her up, she stuck her foot out and the White Lady of Rohan took a tumble.
"Oops!" Aly exclaimed. "Leg spasms," she added as Eowyn floundered to see through her hair.
Suddenly, Theoden groaned and leaned forward. No one bothered to move to catch him and he collapsed onto the ground and wriggled around a bit before popping back up with a new and younger looking face.
"Now that is a TLC Make-over," Sam announced. Everyone looked at him and he said meekly, "He said sarcastically, showing his manliness."
Theoden looked around a moment before looking at Gandalf.
"Gandalf?" he questioned while Eowyn staggered to a stand and tried to make herself seem presentable.
"Breathe the free air again, my friend," Gandalf told him.
Theoden frowned and looked at Eowyn who gave a reassuring smile. "Dark have been my dreams of late."
"Must've had some fucked up dreams," Merry muttered as he peeled himself from the grasp of a shock frozen man.
"You're damning right," Legolas replied.
"Oh! You almost had it, Leggy!" Maggie told him, raising on tiptoes to pat his head. "Damn or fucking – not a mix of the two," she told him.
Theoden tested out his limbs and Gandalf said, "Your fingers would better remember their strength if, perhaps, they grasped your sword."
"Do we really want to be giving this guy a sword right now?" Maggie whispered to Aly. Aly shook her head in uncertainty.
However, Theoden received his sword and he looked like a child just given a piece of candy.
Suddenly he got a fierce look on his face and a glare was shot Grima's way.
"You know you in some shit now, Grimizzle!" Gamling announced, pointing at Grima.
Frodo grimaced as Grima was tossed down the stairs roughly. The whole court followed while Theoden stumbled after him, sword in hand.
"Definitely shouldn't have given him the sword," Aly mentioned to Maggie.
"Nah, he needs to kill him otherwise Grima tells Saruman were we're going to go," Maggie replied.
"Go?" Aly asked while Grima backed down the stairs. Maggie gave her a look before recognition seized Aly's expression after so many, many days had passed since they arrived in Middle Earth. "Oh shit!" she exclaimed as Theoden raised his sword over Grima but Aragorn jumped into the situation.
Grima quickly scrambled up and ran from the detained King of Rohan by the to-be-King of Gondor.
"Shit!" Aly hissed. "We should have killed him!"
Maggie was busy glaring at Eowyn who was standing next to Legolas. "Huh? Yeah, yeah," she muttered before tip-toeing towards the two.
"Right, wellMaybe we'll just convince Theoden not to go to Helm's Deep," Aly mentioned to herself. "Good idea."
"Aly, are you talking to yourself?" Frodo asked quietly.
Aly just cleared her throat.
Theoden suddenly said, "Where is Theodred? Where is my son?"
"Last we saw him, he was kickin' it in Gondor with some skuzzy hoes," Gamling replied. Theoden sighed heavily before stalking up the stairs muttering things about "Damn kids" and "What is the world left to?"
"WellWho's hungry?" Merry asked loudly.
An hour or two later:
"We're losin' our stompin' grounds, Sire," Gamling added to the debate.
"They had no warning – they were unarmed! Now the Wildmen are spreading through the westfold, burning as they go," Eowyn said.
The two children who had been rescued from atop their horse were eating hungrily. The boy caught Pippin looking at his food and he growl. Pippin twitched before looking away.
"This is just a taste of what Saruman will unleash," Gandalf told the King.
Maggie glanced at Aly as they both felt the doom that was layering on the people around them. Of course, at the moment, Borry, who had a nice shiner on his forehead, was peering at the armor plated figure against the wall. Poking its sword he screamed as it wobbled before crashing down loudly. Maggie, Aly, and the hobbits sniggered but everyone else glared.
"Ride out and meet them head on," Gandalf told Theoden.
"You have two thousand men riding north as we speak. Eomer is loyal to you, his men will return and fight for their king," Aragorn told Theoden.
"Yeah, as long as they're not drunk," Legolas muttered, still sore with the horse men from their initial encounter.
"Eomer will be three hundred leagues from here by now!" Theoden exclaimed. He sighed and added, "Eomer cannot help us."
"I know what it is you want of me," Theoden said, "but I will not bring further death to my people. I will not risk open war."
"Oh my God, you're a dumbass!" Aly suddenly exclaimed, unable to hold it in any longer. "What do you think is happening? You got yourself a war; you just have to fight it."
"What would a little girl like you know about war?" Theoden questioned glaring at her.
"Apparently more than the pansy ass girl I'm looking at right now," she retorted.
Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo began to beat on the table chanting, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" in unison.
"Aly, be quiet!" Aragorn ordered.
"You know she's right!" Maggie jumped into the confrontation. She looked at Theoden and said, "You run and it will be blood on your hands, and yours alone!"
"Get these two out of there!" Theoden ordered.
Maggie and Aly were quickly swarmed on by men, once again, in dark suits and sunglasses, before they were dragged out.
"Hey!" Frodo exclaimed. "The hell is wrong with you?"
"No teenage girls are telling me what to do with my country! I am a man! I am a King! I have an ego the size of Mordor!" Theoden glanced around at the last comment. "Did I..Did I say that out loud?" he muttered, blushing. Borry growled and Theoden backed up.
"What is the manly King-with-an-ego's decision then?" Gandalf asked.
Later:
"His Kingliness has ordered that the city be evacuated and we haul ass to Helm's Deep!" Gamling announced while the Fellowship fought to get through the crowd of people.
"Helm's Deep my ass!" Maggie ground out. "He's gonna get us all killed!"
"Even us hobbits think it's right to fight – and we're peaceful people!" Sam added in as the group filtered into the stables.
"He's doing what he thinks is best," Aragorn replied.
"Right, and when 10,000 Uruk-Hai come a-knocking, where's Frodo going to go? Have we all forgotten he still has the Ring?" Aly snapped back.
"Oh, yeah!" Pippin exclaimed, chuckling slightly. Everyone looked at him and he shrank back slightly.
"They're right, despite my will to disagree with them," Gandalf announced as they came to the stall Shadowfax was in. "There's no way out of Helm's Deep."
Legolas tilted his head slightly as he thought he heard something. Turning, he found nothing but an empty stall and shadow. Odd, he thought. His Elf-ears had never failed him in the past. Stress, it was stress.
Gandalf mounted Shadowfax and said, "On dawn of the fifth day, look to the East."
"Can you make it the forth day? The fifth isn't really working with me," Maggie mentioned. Gandalf glared at her before letting Shadowfax race out of the stables.
"Great..Fabulous," Gimli muttered. "Now we're left with the two Elf Witches, four hobbits, a girly Elf, a dingy man and a gollumy man, and a handsome dwarf."
Upon receiving foul glares from the nine he named he gave a meek smile and a little wave.
"Ssssstupid, FAT dwarf!" Borry hissed.
"Come, we must ready with the others to travel to Helm's Deep," Aragorn told the group.
"There he goes being all Captain Kurt again.." Legolas grumbled as the Fellowship followed.
Maggie and Aly gave each other a glance.
"What's our chance of dying?" Aly asked.
"Bout 97% chance, however the five day forecast is still dotted with at least a 40% chance," Maggie replied.
Aly thought a moment then huffed a sigh out with a smile. "Great," she bit.
Maggie gave her a reassuring smile before they linked arms and marched onward once again.