Holy Jesus and Lucy, people - We are so sorry it's not even funny. We're pathetic really. As story people, we bow down to you! Girls bow Take our most severe of apologies! Please!
Making you guys wait this long was really not a good note. We're sorry about that. Here's hoping that someone's still around! This story is finished and chapter eleven, the final chapter, will be up by Sunday night. Yee!
Then, on to RotK. Yes, it probably will take us several centuries to finish that as well. At least we got Elves that last that long.
Maggie: Right Leggy?
All right, onto the chapter! Hope you guys enjoy! Please forgive us!! Continue to bow
Looks Who's Got the Ring Now! - Chapter Ten
Wind-blown, traumatized, and a bit stressed, the last of Rohan's riders entered the huge gates that opened in their path. The injured moaned and groaned and with the wave of smell that came from the gates, Aly and Maggie did as well.
"Holy Shit!" Aly cried, her hand flying to her nose and pinching it tightly.
"Omigod..." Maggie said, sway forward on her horse. "I'm going to projectile vomit in about three seconds."
"Hold it! Hold it!" Sam announced, bounding off his steed as they came to the second level. He rushed to Maggie and pulled her off her horse putting a pot in front of her.
"Sam! That just makes it worse!"
Aly, dismounting unsteadily, spotted Merry and Pippin. Still holding her breath, she snatched the back of their cloaks.
"Where'd you get those?!" she demanded.
Merry and Pippin turned to show that they both had clothes pins on their noses.
"Sam keeps them in his handy-dandy home-made kit," Merry said in a strangely off-balance voice.
"SAM!" Aly cried before shrieking as someone's hand clamped on her shoulder.
"Come, Faller of the Sky, Theoden is displeased and will want to speak with you and Maggie," Legolas said. Aly glanced to his other side where Maggie was happily in his grasp.
"Don't we get nose pins first?" Aly asked in vain.
Going up only a portion of the many stairs, they were greeted with Theoden speaking to Eowyn.
"So few.." she murmured. "So few of you have returned."
"Yeah cause those wargs kicked our ASS," said Frodo, staggering about with a helmet too large for him sitting on his head.
"Our people are safe!" Theoden argued, still a bit tussled from the battle. "We have paid for it with many lives," he added. His words were followed by a noisy 'CLANK' as Frodo tumbled into a wall.
"Ow!" he cried.
"Frodo!" Sam said quickly, rushing to him while tugging out his Sam's Super First-Aid Kit.
"Oh, Jesus," Maggie muttered with a sigh.
"Where is Lord Aragorn?" Eowyn asked, looking to the Fallers of the Sky.
Gimli, however, spoke up. "He fell!" he cried before bursting into tears. "He fell!"
"And sprang my damn ankle!" Aragorn added, limping towards them. Gimli, thinking the man had been dead because..well..he was stupid dwarf, you see. Didn't notice much of the world going on around him.
"Laddie!" he cried. Suddenly, a dog resembling a collie bounded to him, knocked the dwarf down with one leap and began humping him.
"Bah ha!" Legolas exclaimed, pointing as well.
"Come!" Theoden announced. "We have much to do!"
"Yeah, like make a dumb-ass plan that will get us all killed," Maggie whispered to Aly as Legolas led them up the stairs after Theoden.
A bit later, walking along Helm's Wall, Theoden was pointing out the various artifacts to Maggie and Aly.
"This here is a statue of my great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather."
"Ooo," Maggie and Aly cooed.
"And here, my..."
"Holy God, do you think he could be related to any more people? I bet you Theodred was his cousin's son as well as his own," Maggie whispered.
Aly then cleared her throat. "Pardon, You Highlyness, but shouldn't we be getting ready for battle or something like that?"
Theoden, interrupted with his many 'greats', looked at her as if baffled. "Oh," he said. "Right! Er, just bring everyone inside."
"Okay!" Gamling said, skipping off to do his King's bidding.
"Wait, wait!" Maggie declared, holding her hands up. "Do you not realize how many of those bastards are coming? You know, Uruk-hai or something?"
"They're not mindless orcs, you know," Gimli said, pushing away the dog that was still humping his leg.
"Hey, hey," Theoden said pointing at the dwarf. "I've fought a shit- load of battles, okay? You just burrow around in mountains and take strange joys with dogs."
The company with them shuddered with a disgusted look.
"Yo! Have you dealt with over ten-thousand Uruk-Hai?!" Aly cried, stomping her feet a bit in effort not to throw a fit.
"Ten-thousand?" Theoden echoed, his face paling slightly.
"Yes, Ten. Thousand."
It was as if the entire place had fallen silent with this before Theoden mustered up his ego again. "No one has ever breached these walls!"
"They will this time!" Maggie argued.
"You're full of shit!" Gamling said, batting his hand out at her.
Maggie, a bit more than annoyed and frustrated at the moment, glared at him. "Look here, Hama..Gamling...HAMLING! Whoever the fuck you are, Don't Mess With Me Right NOW!" With her voice reaching a strange low and her face reddening, Gamling quickly stepped behind his king.
"I will not tolerate this," Theoden declared. "Gather all men and boys who can fight. The women and children go to the caves."
"Barricade your walls, King," Aly continued. "You have to listen to us!"
"I will not!"
Distraught, the girls looked to Aragorn, the only one who could possibly talk any sense into the man. Seeing this, Aragorn kind of just glanced about a bit. This continued before Aly kicked him in the shin.
"Hey, Ranger, get you ass in this."
Aragorn looked at her. "Well, I...I thought I'd just keep my ass out of this one."
"Aragorn!" Maggie and Aly cried.
"Look here, bub," Frodo said, stepping up. "If you don't listen to my bitches here, I may have to go medieval on your ass."
Everyone stared at the small hobbit who dared to speak back to Theoden - King of Rohan...Spite the girls of course.
"I'm sorry, did someone say something?" Theoden said, glancing at everyone within his sight without looking down. "Hello?"
"Hey!" Frodo cried, jumping up and down.
"I don't see anybody. Come along now, let us get all suited up!" Gamling said, pulling on the king's arm before leading him onward.
"Shit!" Maggie said, stomping on foot briefly.
Suddenly, men seized the two. "Hey, get your hands off of me!" Aly cried, kicking her feet about.
"Let the fuck go of me!" Maggie shouted.
"You belong in the caves. You're women," said Gamling from the upper level.
"I'm going to rip your balls off!" Aly shouted at him.
Merry and Pippin latched onto Maggie's legs but only resulted in being dragged with her. Frodo promptly leapt onto one of Aly's captors while Sam jabbed the other with a fork.
"Hobbits!" Aragorn exclaimed, pulling Frodo off of the man and holding Sam back while Legolas picked Merry and Pippin up.
"You have to let them go. They'll be killed out here," Aragorn told the four.
"We'll be killed out here!" Pippin cried before sighing with a slightly less distraught face.
"Oh, goddamnit Pippin," Legolas said, looking at his Elf-tights. "Now I have to change."
"Sorry."
"You can't do this!" Aly cried still kicking about.
When they were out of sight, Legolas and Aragorn put the hobbits down. Legolas glanced at Aragorn.
"They're going to hate us now."
"It's what's best for them."
"Aragorn! There are ten-thousand orcs coming. Don't you think it's best if we have our prophets with us?" Sam added.
"Not to mention, we're out numbered like a pimp to some bitches," Legolas said.
"If that is to be our fate, then let it be done! I would rather be a pimp than some bitches!"
"I second that," Merry agreed.
"I will not see all here die," Aragorn continued. "Should we not leave two people who know the future to those who survive this?!"
"Then..you mean not to survive this?" Sam asked.
Aragorn looked at him. "If it is my path."
"Well fuck that!" Frodo declared. "I'll go off-road and find a different one!"
"All these people are going to die!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Yes, we've covered that Legolas," Sam said, patting the Elf's arm to calm him down a bit.
"Sorry. I got a bit carried away with all the yelling."
"Forgiven," Sam said.
"Hey, where'd Strider go?" Pippin asked, looking up from his game of marbles.
Immediately the group took off to find their way-ward, death-bound friend.
"Oh, well, this brings back memories," Maggie said being hauled on the back of her captor. Memories of the Uruk ride came back to both of them.
After a moment, Aly said, "Shit, now I have to piss."
"All right, you know, this relationship really just isn't working for me anymore. I think..I think we should start seeing other people," Maggie told her man. He glanced at her before shaking his head. "It's not you, it's me! Really."
The two men were so amused and confused by Maggie's words that Aly spotted the stair-well leading to the caves. As her captor neared it, she kicked him in the knee, ripping her arms from his grasp and watched him tumble down the stairs. By the time she turned around, she spotted Maggie riding her captor like a bucking horse.
"Woo! Yeah!" she cried. "One hand!"
"Maggie!" Aly said, stepping in front of the man and kicking him in the balls. He crumbled to the ground with a cry.
"Hey!" Maggie said, springing up again. "I was having fun," she added, kicking the man in the head to keep him from groaning.
"Yeah, great, but dude we have a war to be getting started."
"Right!" Maggie agreed. She moved to follow Aly up the stairs but stopped. "Wait, shouldn't we, like, disguise ourselves or something? I mean, we'll be a bit noticeable out there."
"Good idea," Aly agreed.
By the time all the boys found Aragorn again, he was suiting up in his armor.
"Thanks for ditching us, man," Frodo said. "We can't solve anything by walking away."
"Oo, I saw that episode of Dr. Phil," Sam said.
"Yeah, that was a good one," Merry pitched in. "Way to put it into life, man."
"Thanks," Frodo said, beaming.
"Look, we're sorry for being some pansy bitches and not wanting to die, Aragorn.."
Frodo looked at his fellow hobbits making a face. What the hell was the Elf talking about? They didn't want to die!
"But, let's not go into almost certain doom with foul words."
The hobbits all rolled their eyes but agreed as Aragorn looked at them.
"Well...I suppose you're right."
"All right, that's the spirit!" Legolas declared in natural Elf cheer.
"Group hug!" Sam declared. They all looked at each other a moment before gathering in a group hug. Frodo, suddenly realizing he was hugging other males, staggered away.
"Erm, right," he said as the others quickly separated as well. They all just kind of glanced at each other, hitting the other in the arm and what-not.
Suddenly, the strange sound of a horn reached them. Legolas frowned, looking towards the door.
"That is no orc horn!" he said, quickly running up the stairs. The others glanced at each other before running after him.
"Check it out!" Maggie said, snatching Aly's arm as they raced by the wall again. Aly staggered before shifting her helmet enough to look out of it. Spotting what it was Maggie saw, she grinned.
"God I love those guys," she said, grabbing Maggie by the hand and racing towards the gates as they opened.
All but stumbling down the stairs, the girls tripped over their armor that was far too big and crashed right into the perfect formation of the Elves.
"Ouch, oo, sorry bout that," Maggie said, standing without her helmet and staggering away from the group.
"Caught, caught!" Aly cried. "That's ATTACHED!" she hollered as someone tried to fix her helmet that was surely snagged in her hair.
Haldir, having been observing all this, sighed and hauled the human out of his now ruined formation. Plopping her helmet back on her head, he straightened it slightly.
"Greetings, once again, Fallers of the Sky."
"Yo, Haldir!" Maggie said. "What's up, dude?" After completing a very elaborate handshake with the Elf and butting shoulders, she looked at Theoden who was watching with a baffled look.
"You know these two?!" he exclaimed.
Haldir, now completing an encore of the hand-shake with Aly, looked to Theoden. "But of course. All Elves now know of the Fallers of the Sky. They are legendary for their ability to withstand the MoJo Fountain. Rare mortals can do such a things."
With this, Maggie tilted her head down and scratched her head to cover her bright red face. Aly, however, pulled off her helmet and beamed. "Hell yes," she agreed.
A few of the Elves in formation chuckled before Haldir silenced them with a glance. "We came here with word from Elrond of Rivendell...Which is bullshit because I'm from Lothlorien and don't answer to Elrond. But, at any rate, we're here to help kick some ass."
Theoden was still slightly baffled but nodded. Gamling, in the mean time, had been asking a few questions about the nice, soft cloaks Elves had and was carefully inspecting Haldir's armor.
"My lord, this is just sinful. Why don't we have name brand armor? Look, he has Presininiais!"
Theoden sighed, rolling his eyes before Aragorn and his band of merry Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits came running into view.
"Haldir!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Oh thank God! I didn't really want to die!" Aragorn said, launching himself into Haldir's arms. The Elf staggered slightly before Aragorn pulled himself away. "I mean," he punched the March Warden in the shoulder. "Glad to see you, man."
Aly and Maggie rolled their eyes before, suddenly, all the hobbits latched onto them.
"You've escaped!" Frodo said, clinging to Aly.
"Sure did, my man," she replied, moving his short figure away from her crotch before patting him on the back.
"Aly, Maggie!" Legolas said. "You're not supposed to be here!"
"Yeah, face it, you're all stuck with us," Maggie said with a shrug.
Haldir, continuing to bat Gamling's hand away from his hair, spoke again, "Right, well, time to bust some caps and save the world of men." He paused then added. "Again."
The battle line was silent as all who were prepared for battle watched the oncoming, dark horde that neared them. The ominous air around them was filled with the scent of sweat and a rain that would soon fall. A lightning struck and thunder quickly followed making Pippin tremble beside Maggie. She glanced at him with a gentle smile, placing a hand on his tiny shoulder.
However, in the next instant, she looked at Aly and mouthed, "Christ, we're going to die!!!"
Aly thought on this a moment, then nodded. Maggie sighed and looked at the Uruk-hai again.
Aly suddenly turned to Maggie.
"Mags, we're probably going to die in this, so I better tell you one last time. You're my best friend and I love you man!"
Maggie's lip trembled. "I love you too!" The two promptly burst into tears, and hugged tightly. The Hobbits, seeing this, looked to each other and hugged as well, crying loudly.
Once the emotional moment was over, all looked once again to their almost certain death. The huge army of the former White Wizard stopped with a terrifying 'thud'. The echo of their footsteps remained in the fearful hearts of all who watched.
The thunder clapped again and rain began to pour.
"Cover it! Cover it!" Gamling raced down the wall line giving rain coats to all the Elves in beautiful armor. "Quickly, or it will rust!"
"Give me one of those," said Merry.
"Do you have pretty armor on?" Gamling asked.
"Well, no."
"Then no!" Gamling said, taking off again.
The Uruk-hai proved their strategic minds as they pounded their weapons on the ground for intimidation. With each pound, someone wet themselves or fainted.
Maggie glanced at Legolas who finished speaking to Aragorn. As the soon-to-be King of Gondor gave his pep talk she sighed. "I didn't even get to lay Leggy yet," she murmured to Aly. Her friend smirked and shrugged.
"Maybe you'll still have the chance after this."
Maggie grunted and heard Aragorn unleash his sword. Frodo looked up at Aly. "Ten thousand?"
"Yep," she replied.
"All with scary faces and big weapons?"
"Definitely."
Frodo sighed. "Bring it on."
As everyone notched their arrows, they waited. Waited to die. Waited to live. Waited to piss themselves.
Pippin suddenly shifted, stepping on Maggie's foot.
"Ow!" she cried, releasing her arrow. It shot forth and landed solidly in an orc's neck. Silence followed. "Oops," she whispered.
As the Orc fell, someone in the army screamed. "BOB!"
"Oh fuck," Aly said as the Orcs charged. The Elves notched their arrows and fired a moment later. A human volley followed and lines of Orcs fell. Still, it made no dent in the thousands.
"Ladders," Aly told Frodo and Sam.
"LADDERS!" Aragorn cried in Elven.
"Good!" Gimli said.
As a ladder crashed onto the wall next to Aly, Maggie, and the Hobbits, they all kind of just stood there a moment. As the first orc came down, he slashed at Frodo.
"Bitch!" Aly cried, stabbing the Orc in the gut. He fell with a cry and more poured forth, separating the six friends.
So much time had passed as Gamling was racing up and down the wall, trying to clean the armor of the Elves. "Don't stain it!" he cried, dodging the blade of an Uruk.
Suddenly, a body crashed into him. "Ow!" Aly cried, getting to a stand, she all but growled. "I'm going to beat your ass bitch!"
Gamling screamed and promptly passed out.
Aly looked at him before glancing around. "Maggie!" she cried. "Frodo, Sam!" No one came to her call and she barely dodged a sword swiping at her. In her haste, she teetered on the stairs near her.
"Ohhhh, shhhitt!" she cried, trying to lean backwards. A hand then lashed out and she was pulled back, away from impending doom.
Looking to her savior, Aly found it to be Frodo Baggins, of the Shire.
"Frodo, my man!" she said, clamping his face between her hands and kissing him. "You saved me!"
Frodo, too dazed by the sudden kiss, just grinned before Aly pushed him away and out of the path of a falling blade.
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit," Maggie chanted to herself, looking at all the Uruks around her who were in a deadly circle. "This is so not good."
Seeing a particular Uruk running around the circle, she paused her frantic thoughts. Finally, she was able to understand what he was saying.
"Duck...Duck....Duck...GOOSE!"
"All right, what the fuck here?" Maggie exclaimed. "If you're going to kill me, quit playing games and kill me!"
All the Uruks looked at her with a fierce growl for interrupting their game.
"Erm, never mind, just...Go on about you business," she said. "I'll just...sit right here," she said, taking a seat on the bloody wall floor. The Uruks were happy to continue their game.
"Wait, wait! Power in numbers!" Sam said, grabbing both Merry and Pippin's cloaks before they could take off and hide. "We can do this! Hock a loogie, remember??"
"Grab your nuts!" Merry said, grabbing his nuts.
"And let's step on it!" Pippin said, proceeding to stomp his foot on that of Orcs. It was quite effective, really and Merry did it as well. Once an Uruk was stunned with a painful foot, Sam stabbed it with some sort of kitchen utensil.
"Maggie!" Legolas cried, his voice oddly high pitched and shrill. Seeing his little Faller of the Sky in danger, he surged forward, forgetting Gimli who was in peril between life and death, he leapt into the deadly circle of Uruk around Maggie.
Within about two seconds, all the Uruks had arrows embedded into them. Pleased with himself, he called out his new tally of 27 while helping Maggie to a stand. She quickly hit him in the arm.
"Leggy! I was nearly taking a nap!" she cried, hitting him again.
"Ow! Ow! Stop it!"
"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn called from the other side of the wall. "Kill it!"
"FUCK!" Maggie said, realizing what was going on. She rushed to the wall and Aly soon joined her.
"You're alive!" they both cried to the other before looking at the oncoming Uruk.
It was time. The Uruk with the Olympic Torch was coming. The Uruks around him were singing the Chariots of Fire theme while he ran in slow motion.
"Leggy!" the girls cried.
"Kill him!" Aragorn demanded.
"Stop all this pressure!!!!" Legolas shrieked, dropping the arrow he held.
"Stupid!" Frodo said, grabbing the fallen arrow and giving it to the Elf. "Shoot him!"
Legolas did as he was told. He shot him three times in fact. But, alas, it did not good. The Uruk launched himself into the one weakness of Helm's Deep.
And after that, Aly and Maggie flew in the opposite direction of the other members of the Fellowship.
To be Concluded...
Making you guys wait this long was really not a good note. We're sorry about that. Here's hoping that someone's still around! This story is finished and chapter eleven, the final chapter, will be up by Sunday night. Yee!
Then, on to RotK. Yes, it probably will take us several centuries to finish that as well. At least we got Elves that last that long.
Maggie: Right Leggy?
All right, onto the chapter! Hope you guys enjoy! Please forgive us!! Continue to bow
Looks Who's Got the Ring Now! - Chapter Ten
Wind-blown, traumatized, and a bit stressed, the last of Rohan's riders entered the huge gates that opened in their path. The injured moaned and groaned and with the wave of smell that came from the gates, Aly and Maggie did as well.
"Holy Shit!" Aly cried, her hand flying to her nose and pinching it tightly.
"Omigod..." Maggie said, sway forward on her horse. "I'm going to projectile vomit in about three seconds."
"Hold it! Hold it!" Sam announced, bounding off his steed as they came to the second level. He rushed to Maggie and pulled her off her horse putting a pot in front of her.
"Sam! That just makes it worse!"
Aly, dismounting unsteadily, spotted Merry and Pippin. Still holding her breath, she snatched the back of their cloaks.
"Where'd you get those?!" she demanded.
Merry and Pippin turned to show that they both had clothes pins on their noses.
"Sam keeps them in his handy-dandy home-made kit," Merry said in a strangely off-balance voice.
"SAM!" Aly cried before shrieking as someone's hand clamped on her shoulder.
"Come, Faller of the Sky, Theoden is displeased and will want to speak with you and Maggie," Legolas said. Aly glanced to his other side where Maggie was happily in his grasp.
"Don't we get nose pins first?" Aly asked in vain.
Going up only a portion of the many stairs, they were greeted with Theoden speaking to Eowyn.
"So few.." she murmured. "So few of you have returned."
"Yeah cause those wargs kicked our ASS," said Frodo, staggering about with a helmet too large for him sitting on his head.
"Our people are safe!" Theoden argued, still a bit tussled from the battle. "We have paid for it with many lives," he added. His words were followed by a noisy 'CLANK' as Frodo tumbled into a wall.
"Ow!" he cried.
"Frodo!" Sam said quickly, rushing to him while tugging out his Sam's Super First-Aid Kit.
"Oh, Jesus," Maggie muttered with a sigh.
"Where is Lord Aragorn?" Eowyn asked, looking to the Fallers of the Sky.
Gimli, however, spoke up. "He fell!" he cried before bursting into tears. "He fell!"
"And sprang my damn ankle!" Aragorn added, limping towards them. Gimli, thinking the man had been dead because..well..he was stupid dwarf, you see. Didn't notice much of the world going on around him.
"Laddie!" he cried. Suddenly, a dog resembling a collie bounded to him, knocked the dwarf down with one leap and began humping him.
"Bah ha!" Legolas exclaimed, pointing as well.
"Come!" Theoden announced. "We have much to do!"
"Yeah, like make a dumb-ass plan that will get us all killed," Maggie whispered to Aly as Legolas led them up the stairs after Theoden.
A bit later, walking along Helm's Wall, Theoden was pointing out the various artifacts to Maggie and Aly.
"This here is a statue of my great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather."
"Ooo," Maggie and Aly cooed.
"And here, my..."
"Holy God, do you think he could be related to any more people? I bet you Theodred was his cousin's son as well as his own," Maggie whispered.
Aly then cleared her throat. "Pardon, You Highlyness, but shouldn't we be getting ready for battle or something like that?"
Theoden, interrupted with his many 'greats', looked at her as if baffled. "Oh," he said. "Right! Er, just bring everyone inside."
"Okay!" Gamling said, skipping off to do his King's bidding.
"Wait, wait!" Maggie declared, holding her hands up. "Do you not realize how many of those bastards are coming? You know, Uruk-hai or something?"
"They're not mindless orcs, you know," Gimli said, pushing away the dog that was still humping his leg.
"Hey, hey," Theoden said pointing at the dwarf. "I've fought a shit- load of battles, okay? You just burrow around in mountains and take strange joys with dogs."
The company with them shuddered with a disgusted look.
"Yo! Have you dealt with over ten-thousand Uruk-Hai?!" Aly cried, stomping her feet a bit in effort not to throw a fit.
"Ten-thousand?" Theoden echoed, his face paling slightly.
"Yes, Ten. Thousand."
It was as if the entire place had fallen silent with this before Theoden mustered up his ego again. "No one has ever breached these walls!"
"They will this time!" Maggie argued.
"You're full of shit!" Gamling said, batting his hand out at her.
Maggie, a bit more than annoyed and frustrated at the moment, glared at him. "Look here, Hama..Gamling...HAMLING! Whoever the fuck you are, Don't Mess With Me Right NOW!" With her voice reaching a strange low and her face reddening, Gamling quickly stepped behind his king.
"I will not tolerate this," Theoden declared. "Gather all men and boys who can fight. The women and children go to the caves."
"Barricade your walls, King," Aly continued. "You have to listen to us!"
"I will not!"
Distraught, the girls looked to Aragorn, the only one who could possibly talk any sense into the man. Seeing this, Aragorn kind of just glanced about a bit. This continued before Aly kicked him in the shin.
"Hey, Ranger, get you ass in this."
Aragorn looked at her. "Well, I...I thought I'd just keep my ass out of this one."
"Aragorn!" Maggie and Aly cried.
"Look here, bub," Frodo said, stepping up. "If you don't listen to my bitches here, I may have to go medieval on your ass."
Everyone stared at the small hobbit who dared to speak back to Theoden - King of Rohan...Spite the girls of course.
"I'm sorry, did someone say something?" Theoden said, glancing at everyone within his sight without looking down. "Hello?"
"Hey!" Frodo cried, jumping up and down.
"I don't see anybody. Come along now, let us get all suited up!" Gamling said, pulling on the king's arm before leading him onward.
"Shit!" Maggie said, stomping on foot briefly.
Suddenly, men seized the two. "Hey, get your hands off of me!" Aly cried, kicking her feet about.
"Let the fuck go of me!" Maggie shouted.
"You belong in the caves. You're women," said Gamling from the upper level.
"I'm going to rip your balls off!" Aly shouted at him.
Merry and Pippin latched onto Maggie's legs but only resulted in being dragged with her. Frodo promptly leapt onto one of Aly's captors while Sam jabbed the other with a fork.
"Hobbits!" Aragorn exclaimed, pulling Frodo off of the man and holding Sam back while Legolas picked Merry and Pippin up.
"You have to let them go. They'll be killed out here," Aragorn told the four.
"We'll be killed out here!" Pippin cried before sighing with a slightly less distraught face.
"Oh, goddamnit Pippin," Legolas said, looking at his Elf-tights. "Now I have to change."
"Sorry."
"You can't do this!" Aly cried still kicking about.
When they were out of sight, Legolas and Aragorn put the hobbits down. Legolas glanced at Aragorn.
"They're going to hate us now."
"It's what's best for them."
"Aragorn! There are ten-thousand orcs coming. Don't you think it's best if we have our prophets with us?" Sam added.
"Not to mention, we're out numbered like a pimp to some bitches," Legolas said.
"If that is to be our fate, then let it be done! I would rather be a pimp than some bitches!"
"I second that," Merry agreed.
"I will not see all here die," Aragorn continued. "Should we not leave two people who know the future to those who survive this?!"
"Then..you mean not to survive this?" Sam asked.
Aragorn looked at him. "If it is my path."
"Well fuck that!" Frodo declared. "I'll go off-road and find a different one!"
"All these people are going to die!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Yes, we've covered that Legolas," Sam said, patting the Elf's arm to calm him down a bit.
"Sorry. I got a bit carried away with all the yelling."
"Forgiven," Sam said.
"Hey, where'd Strider go?" Pippin asked, looking up from his game of marbles.
Immediately the group took off to find their way-ward, death-bound friend.
"Oh, well, this brings back memories," Maggie said being hauled on the back of her captor. Memories of the Uruk ride came back to both of them.
After a moment, Aly said, "Shit, now I have to piss."
"All right, you know, this relationship really just isn't working for me anymore. I think..I think we should start seeing other people," Maggie told her man. He glanced at her before shaking his head. "It's not you, it's me! Really."
The two men were so amused and confused by Maggie's words that Aly spotted the stair-well leading to the caves. As her captor neared it, she kicked him in the knee, ripping her arms from his grasp and watched him tumble down the stairs. By the time she turned around, she spotted Maggie riding her captor like a bucking horse.
"Woo! Yeah!" she cried. "One hand!"
"Maggie!" Aly said, stepping in front of the man and kicking him in the balls. He crumbled to the ground with a cry.
"Hey!" Maggie said, springing up again. "I was having fun," she added, kicking the man in the head to keep him from groaning.
"Yeah, great, but dude we have a war to be getting started."
"Right!" Maggie agreed. She moved to follow Aly up the stairs but stopped. "Wait, shouldn't we, like, disguise ourselves or something? I mean, we'll be a bit noticeable out there."
"Good idea," Aly agreed.
By the time all the boys found Aragorn again, he was suiting up in his armor.
"Thanks for ditching us, man," Frodo said. "We can't solve anything by walking away."
"Oo, I saw that episode of Dr. Phil," Sam said.
"Yeah, that was a good one," Merry pitched in. "Way to put it into life, man."
"Thanks," Frodo said, beaming.
"Look, we're sorry for being some pansy bitches and not wanting to die, Aragorn.."
Frodo looked at his fellow hobbits making a face. What the hell was the Elf talking about? They didn't want to die!
"But, let's not go into almost certain doom with foul words."
The hobbits all rolled their eyes but agreed as Aragorn looked at them.
"Well...I suppose you're right."
"All right, that's the spirit!" Legolas declared in natural Elf cheer.
"Group hug!" Sam declared. They all looked at each other a moment before gathering in a group hug. Frodo, suddenly realizing he was hugging other males, staggered away.
"Erm, right," he said as the others quickly separated as well. They all just kind of glanced at each other, hitting the other in the arm and what-not.
Suddenly, the strange sound of a horn reached them. Legolas frowned, looking towards the door.
"That is no orc horn!" he said, quickly running up the stairs. The others glanced at each other before running after him.
"Check it out!" Maggie said, snatching Aly's arm as they raced by the wall again. Aly staggered before shifting her helmet enough to look out of it. Spotting what it was Maggie saw, she grinned.
"God I love those guys," she said, grabbing Maggie by the hand and racing towards the gates as they opened.
All but stumbling down the stairs, the girls tripped over their armor that was far too big and crashed right into the perfect formation of the Elves.
"Ouch, oo, sorry bout that," Maggie said, standing without her helmet and staggering away from the group.
"Caught, caught!" Aly cried. "That's ATTACHED!" she hollered as someone tried to fix her helmet that was surely snagged in her hair.
Haldir, having been observing all this, sighed and hauled the human out of his now ruined formation. Plopping her helmet back on her head, he straightened it slightly.
"Greetings, once again, Fallers of the Sky."
"Yo, Haldir!" Maggie said. "What's up, dude?" After completing a very elaborate handshake with the Elf and butting shoulders, she looked at Theoden who was watching with a baffled look.
"You know these two?!" he exclaimed.
Haldir, now completing an encore of the hand-shake with Aly, looked to Theoden. "But of course. All Elves now know of the Fallers of the Sky. They are legendary for their ability to withstand the MoJo Fountain. Rare mortals can do such a things."
With this, Maggie tilted her head down and scratched her head to cover her bright red face. Aly, however, pulled off her helmet and beamed. "Hell yes," she agreed.
A few of the Elves in formation chuckled before Haldir silenced them with a glance. "We came here with word from Elrond of Rivendell...Which is bullshit because I'm from Lothlorien and don't answer to Elrond. But, at any rate, we're here to help kick some ass."
Theoden was still slightly baffled but nodded. Gamling, in the mean time, had been asking a few questions about the nice, soft cloaks Elves had and was carefully inspecting Haldir's armor.
"My lord, this is just sinful. Why don't we have name brand armor? Look, he has Presininiais!"
Theoden sighed, rolling his eyes before Aragorn and his band of merry Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits came running into view.
"Haldir!" Legolas exclaimed.
"Oh thank God! I didn't really want to die!" Aragorn said, launching himself into Haldir's arms. The Elf staggered slightly before Aragorn pulled himself away. "I mean," he punched the March Warden in the shoulder. "Glad to see you, man."
Aly and Maggie rolled their eyes before, suddenly, all the hobbits latched onto them.
"You've escaped!" Frodo said, clinging to Aly.
"Sure did, my man," she replied, moving his short figure away from her crotch before patting him on the back.
"Aly, Maggie!" Legolas said. "You're not supposed to be here!"
"Yeah, face it, you're all stuck with us," Maggie said with a shrug.
Haldir, continuing to bat Gamling's hand away from his hair, spoke again, "Right, well, time to bust some caps and save the world of men." He paused then added. "Again."
The battle line was silent as all who were prepared for battle watched the oncoming, dark horde that neared them. The ominous air around them was filled with the scent of sweat and a rain that would soon fall. A lightning struck and thunder quickly followed making Pippin tremble beside Maggie. She glanced at him with a gentle smile, placing a hand on his tiny shoulder.
However, in the next instant, she looked at Aly and mouthed, "Christ, we're going to die!!!"
Aly thought on this a moment, then nodded. Maggie sighed and looked at the Uruk-hai again.
Aly suddenly turned to Maggie.
"Mags, we're probably going to die in this, so I better tell you one last time. You're my best friend and I love you man!"
Maggie's lip trembled. "I love you too!" The two promptly burst into tears, and hugged tightly. The Hobbits, seeing this, looked to each other and hugged as well, crying loudly.
Once the emotional moment was over, all looked once again to their almost certain death. The huge army of the former White Wizard stopped with a terrifying 'thud'. The echo of their footsteps remained in the fearful hearts of all who watched.
The thunder clapped again and rain began to pour.
"Cover it! Cover it!" Gamling raced down the wall line giving rain coats to all the Elves in beautiful armor. "Quickly, or it will rust!"
"Give me one of those," said Merry.
"Do you have pretty armor on?" Gamling asked.
"Well, no."
"Then no!" Gamling said, taking off again.
The Uruk-hai proved their strategic minds as they pounded their weapons on the ground for intimidation. With each pound, someone wet themselves or fainted.
Maggie glanced at Legolas who finished speaking to Aragorn. As the soon-to-be King of Gondor gave his pep talk she sighed. "I didn't even get to lay Leggy yet," she murmured to Aly. Her friend smirked and shrugged.
"Maybe you'll still have the chance after this."
Maggie grunted and heard Aragorn unleash his sword. Frodo looked up at Aly. "Ten thousand?"
"Yep," she replied.
"All with scary faces and big weapons?"
"Definitely."
Frodo sighed. "Bring it on."
As everyone notched their arrows, they waited. Waited to die. Waited to live. Waited to piss themselves.
Pippin suddenly shifted, stepping on Maggie's foot.
"Ow!" she cried, releasing her arrow. It shot forth and landed solidly in an orc's neck. Silence followed. "Oops," she whispered.
As the Orc fell, someone in the army screamed. "BOB!"
"Oh fuck," Aly said as the Orcs charged. The Elves notched their arrows and fired a moment later. A human volley followed and lines of Orcs fell. Still, it made no dent in the thousands.
"Ladders," Aly told Frodo and Sam.
"LADDERS!" Aragorn cried in Elven.
"Good!" Gimli said.
As a ladder crashed onto the wall next to Aly, Maggie, and the Hobbits, they all kind of just stood there a moment. As the first orc came down, he slashed at Frodo.
"Bitch!" Aly cried, stabbing the Orc in the gut. He fell with a cry and more poured forth, separating the six friends.
So much time had passed as Gamling was racing up and down the wall, trying to clean the armor of the Elves. "Don't stain it!" he cried, dodging the blade of an Uruk.
Suddenly, a body crashed into him. "Ow!" Aly cried, getting to a stand, she all but growled. "I'm going to beat your ass bitch!"
Gamling screamed and promptly passed out.
Aly looked at him before glancing around. "Maggie!" she cried. "Frodo, Sam!" No one came to her call and she barely dodged a sword swiping at her. In her haste, she teetered on the stairs near her.
"Ohhhh, shhhitt!" she cried, trying to lean backwards. A hand then lashed out and she was pulled back, away from impending doom.
Looking to her savior, Aly found it to be Frodo Baggins, of the Shire.
"Frodo, my man!" she said, clamping his face between her hands and kissing him. "You saved me!"
Frodo, too dazed by the sudden kiss, just grinned before Aly pushed him away and out of the path of a falling blade.
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit," Maggie chanted to herself, looking at all the Uruks around her who were in a deadly circle. "This is so not good."
Seeing a particular Uruk running around the circle, she paused her frantic thoughts. Finally, she was able to understand what he was saying.
"Duck...Duck....Duck...GOOSE!"
"All right, what the fuck here?" Maggie exclaimed. "If you're going to kill me, quit playing games and kill me!"
All the Uruks looked at her with a fierce growl for interrupting their game.
"Erm, never mind, just...Go on about you business," she said. "I'll just...sit right here," she said, taking a seat on the bloody wall floor. The Uruks were happy to continue their game.
"Wait, wait! Power in numbers!" Sam said, grabbing both Merry and Pippin's cloaks before they could take off and hide. "We can do this! Hock a loogie, remember??"
"Grab your nuts!" Merry said, grabbing his nuts.
"And let's step on it!" Pippin said, proceeding to stomp his foot on that of Orcs. It was quite effective, really and Merry did it as well. Once an Uruk was stunned with a painful foot, Sam stabbed it with some sort of kitchen utensil.
"Maggie!" Legolas cried, his voice oddly high pitched and shrill. Seeing his little Faller of the Sky in danger, he surged forward, forgetting Gimli who was in peril between life and death, he leapt into the deadly circle of Uruk around Maggie.
Within about two seconds, all the Uruks had arrows embedded into them. Pleased with himself, he called out his new tally of 27 while helping Maggie to a stand. She quickly hit him in the arm.
"Leggy! I was nearly taking a nap!" she cried, hitting him again.
"Ow! Ow! Stop it!"
"LEGOLAS!" Aragorn called from the other side of the wall. "Kill it!"
"FUCK!" Maggie said, realizing what was going on. She rushed to the wall and Aly soon joined her.
"You're alive!" they both cried to the other before looking at the oncoming Uruk.
It was time. The Uruk with the Olympic Torch was coming. The Uruks around him were singing the Chariots of Fire theme while he ran in slow motion.
"Leggy!" the girls cried.
"Kill him!" Aragorn demanded.
"Stop all this pressure!!!!" Legolas shrieked, dropping the arrow he held.
"Stupid!" Frodo said, grabbing the fallen arrow and giving it to the Elf. "Shoot him!"
Legolas did as he was told. He shot him three times in fact. But, alas, it did not good. The Uruk launched himself into the one weakness of Helm's Deep.
And after that, Aly and Maggie flew in the opposite direction of the other members of the Fellowship.
To be Concluded...