Yuna: You make me sound so mean.
Me: Well you're better mean.
Yuna: So? I don't want to be mean in this chapter!
Me: Too fucking bad
Rikku: And where am I? C'mon, put me in it!
Me: God damnit, do you two ever stop complaining?!
The gentle breeze tries to hold me back. No, I won't let it. I'm not going to sit around here, doing jobs for everyone else, when I myself could be happy. Very happy. It's just so hard sometimes. I mean, I want to be happy, but I want everyone else happy. Half the time I don't even help people. I kill fiends, get them spheres, a few thank yous. I mean, after Yuna finds Tidus, she's leaving the Gullwings. And then Rikku will probably follow her and help with everything, and then Buddy and Brother will do their own thing, Shinra will continue to invent, and I'll be left wandering Spira, with a few gil, my sword, and memories that I'm trying to walk away from. What's the point anymore. I mean, think about it. I have no future. I have no one to love, I have no one to love me, I have nothing.
I put my right foot in front of my left. Well, here goes nothing. I look out to the clouds. The sun is setting, it's getting dark. It seems almost cynical in my eyes, sadistic. Such a beautiful sunset as a Gothic warrior is about to kill herself so she can reunite with her family. Just wonderful. Things always seem to work out like this for me. How interesting. Things always seemed to work this way for me. Cynical, sadistic, so beautiful, yet so pathetic and sad. I let out a small laugh at myself. Hilarious. This was just so fucking funny. I look down, and focus on the objective. I'm going to see my parents, and I don't want to die laughing like a moron. I may want to die, but I'm not insane. I take one big deep breath. "Goodbye." I shut my eyes, and walk off the edge.
I feel a wonderful falling sensation. The adrenaline is kicking in, when I feel a tug, and a warm hand holding mine with all it's strength. Now what? I look up. I see Baralai. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? I don't want to be saved! I don't want this. I just want to go be with my parents! Don't you fucking understand that? God, you always have to get in the way of things, Baralai! Can't you leave well enough alone?"
"This wasn't well enough, Paine, and you know it. God, you're not as stupid as this! You aren't going to see your parents this way, and killing yourself isn't about to bring peace to anyone." He pulls me up. I never realized his strength. "You are being moronic and ignorant, Paine, and don't deny it! Sometimes I wonder how intelligent you really are!"
"Who the hell do you think you are?"
"Someone that cares what happens to you! Are you too blind to see love when it's staring you right in the damn face?" His face was right in front of mine. I saw the pain I had caused him, the hurt, the worry. He had implied that he loved me.
"Maybe I fucking am! Now can't you let me do what I want?"
"Over my dead body!"
"Oh, that could be arranged." I pull out my sword, and get into a fighting stance. "Come on Baralai, or are you scared? You know I can kick your damn ass." The fact is, is that I'm pretty sure it's the other way around, but I'm not about to let him see that, to know that. I'd beaten fiends twice the strength of him, yet they didn't have his agility....Damnit.
"Paine...."
"Come on!" He sphere changes into his warrior outfit. His staff in his hands.
"Don't make me do this." I look at him, I narrow my eyes. I'm about to get the fight started, and I drop my sword. I just can't do this anymore. I can't be tough. God damnit. I feel tears stinging my eyes, burning my cheeks, claiming the Celsius' deck. I fall to my knees, I pound my fists on the deck. This seems so familiar. Like I've done this recently. Through blurred eyes I see Baralai walk towards me. He kneels down and puts his arms around me. Why would he do this. After what I just put him through....Why?
"Baralai?" I am able to spit out. He pulls away from me and looks at me.
"Paine, it's okay. It really is. You don't have to hide your tears from me. Your secrets are safe with me. I trust you, and I hope you can trust me. For the longest time, the world as meant nothing to you, and yet, you mean the world to me. If I had lost you today, I have no idea what I would have done. I wouldn't have been able to take it. Paine....I love you, and I'm sorry, but you can't change that." He pulls me close. What is he talking about? He can't love me. I'm unlovable. I'm doomed to walk alone the rest of my life. He doesn't care, he's lying....I don't know what to do anymore. God....I can't accept some things, and the thought that he loves me just kills me inside. I can't love, I learned not to love. After being a warrior for 16 years, I can't change who I am. I can't go back to the two-year-old everyone wants.
"Baralai, I can't be what you want. I can't be that girlfriend, that wife, that spouse that could share a love filled life. Being a warrior has taught me that disaster can come quick, and go just as easily. I can't let myself love. I'm something you'll never be able to have. Honestly, it's not you, but I can't be that little girl in that Christmas sphere. I can't be that. I can't have the long hair, the cute clothes, I can't be a mother. I can't be apart of a family. I won't let myself ruin someone else's life. I can't let it happen, and once I remember who it was that killed my parents, I'm going to have to dispose of them. I won't let them live. They put me through enough pain, and regardless if they have a family, children, a husband or wife, regardless, I'm going to have to kill, and I don't think I could live with myself after that. The pain will always be with me, and I can't let it go. It's sadly the one thing I've learnt to trust, that has never abandoned me....Don't take that away from me...." I push him away and get up. I wipe my tears, and take my sword. I walk back to the elevator, I turn back once, and see his head in his hands. His tears are melting off my heart.
I walk into the bridge, and find Yuna and Brother in a heated fight.
"What do you mean you don't want Brother?"
"I love Tidus you ass! You're my cousin, we can't be together even if I wanted it!"
"So you want Brother?"
"No! I don't want you. You are a friend, an aquaintance, that's it! Leave me alone!"
"Yuna don't love me?"
"Yuna hates you!" Yuna smacks him and walks over to me.
"Wow Yuna. Maybe you should have been more harsh."
"Oh shut up Pain, what do you know?" She walks away from me. Sadly, I do know....I know what it's like to lose something you love so much, and have others trying to interfere with your pain. Trying to tell you that it'll be okay and you know it won't. How you'd like to see that one, that couple of people that you need the most, and you know you can't. How you want to find them, love them, cry. How you just want to give them a huge hug, be able to say I love you, and be able to say you're happy and believe them. Instead just gritting your teeth as you think about it. Yes Yuna, I knew all about it, and yet you are so obsessed with your own little world, you don't have time to let someone feel your pain. You won't let someone....Damnit. Why did I always have to correct myself after I made mistakes. I look at the elevator.
I walk to Baralai, who is still sitting there. "Baralai?" No answer. I walk in front of him and crouch down. His face is red and puffy. He was crying. Still is. "Baralai? I did some thinking....I'm so sorry...."
"You don't even realize that that's not why I love you! I don't love you for the future we could have! I don't care you don't wear outfits that Yuna and Rikku love! I don't care you wouldn't make a good wife, a great mother! I don't care we wouldn't have a picture perfect family! I love you for you!"
"Can I tell you a secret Baralai?"
"Yes...."
"I love you too." He looks up at me. Smiles.
"Your secret's safe with me."
Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, you've read it all before.