It's here at last, chapter 3! I would like to thank Chibified Kitsunes, Amaurea, Maliciously Creative, Asura Akuma and above all Yujo for sticking with me. And of course every reader of this story. This fic has been kicking my ass, but I nailed it now, with a 5 hour writing marathon. It's a bit longer than the other chapters, so enjoy

Disclaimer: If you think I own Naruto, you are obviously on even more crack than me

Chapter 3

Gai was sulking. Not only had he lost to his rival, he was currently losing in his dungeon and dragons game. His once mighty forest wizard had been transformed into a dim-witted dwarf with all the mystical powers of a wet sock, by Kurenai, the swamp enchantress. Asuma the mountain-troll had seized the opportunity to smash the defenceless midgets head inn, with a tree.

Yes, life was bad. In fact this was the worst vacation ever. It was even worse than the vacation were he had been left in the zoo, and a mountain gorilla fell in love with his eyebrows. Gai shrugged at the though of it, and instinctively covered his them with his hands. Asuma looked at him sideways and simply stated, "Gorilla-deal again, huh?".

Kurenai did not feel any better. After her little show at the ramen bar, she was being stalked by hordes of horny men, it was too much for even a ninja to take. Not to mention her hair had turned all frizzy and un-ladylike after her unexpected meeting with the murky waters of Konoha River.

Asuma felt equally bad. If not worse. His order of "Nico-Rush Turbo" patches was late, and the old ones just didn't do the trick anymore. Not to mention his image as the manliest man ever had been shattered, even to himself. This was even worse than the time Choji had caught his willie in his zipper, and Asuma had to help him. He felt the urge to gag, but his inner Asuma screamed at him that only girly-men puke. Asuma nodded in agreement, and fell silent.

In fact all of them were currently basking in their own utter defeat, the game completely forgotten. Suddenly Kurenai straitened up and smashed a fist into the game.

"What the hell are we doing here boys?" She said sternly, eying both of them as well as she could. "We can't let this minor setback stop us!"

"Minor setback?" Gai said, pouting like a baby. "Try big setback...In fact if you have got the time, this in a 30 feet high setback, with a large sign on the top saying: This is a large set back! And it got Kakashi's smirking face painted all over it.."

Everybody cringed when the horrible mental picture Gai just had painted, hit them. Asuma actually almost vomited, but managed to keep it in, and with that the last shrivel of his doomed manliness.

"What should we do?" Gai tried meekly.

"We kick his ass" Asuma hissed through clenched teeth "We beat that bastard into a bloody pulp, and dance naked upon his grave, that's what we will do! We will hack him into tiny piec..." Asuma was fuming, even his rugged beard looked infuriated.

"No, no, calm down, Asuma" Kurenai interrupted, his increasingly rabid train of thought. "Brute force is not the way of the ninja"

"Yes" Gai joined in "We need a cunning plan"

"You wouldn't recognize a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced in front of you.." Asuma spat, clearly sour because his own brilliant plan was so quickly rejected

"I'm just saving you from more embarrassment, idiot" Gai retorted, "It seems you could need all the help you can get."

"What?!" Asuma screamed as he got to his feet and secured a hold of Gai's collar "I'm twice the ninja you are! You can't even tell ninjutsu from your own ass!" They both glared daggers at each other, before Kurenai interrupted them with a firm slap to both their faces.

Both of them looked stunned, before they yelled in unison "What the hell was that for?!"

"Snap out of it!" Kurenai fumed "We are not getting any sweet revenge by fighting among ourselves." The heavy logic of this simple statement got to even blockheads like Gai. Both him and Asuma muttered a half-hearted excuse and looked at their shoes.

"What can we do then?" Asuma asked, totally bereft of his almighty manliness.

"Basic academy wisdom, my friends" Kurenai smiled as she put her arms around the shoulders of both men. "Strength in numbers!"

"Meaning what?" Gai asked, dumb as a rock

"We gang up on him..." Kurenai answered with a sigh

"And kick his sorry behind?" Asuma urged enthusiastically

"YES!" Gai shouted punching the air.

"Yes indeed" Kurenai said with a sinister smile "Yes indeed"

"But that was my plan!" Asuma started to complain,

"Shut up Asuma" Kurenai interrupted him, before he could ramble on again.

"Uh...ok.." came the defeated reply. In the far corners of Asuma's mind, his broken manliness was currently looking for thick rope and a wobbly chair.

"It's settled then" Gai said smugly...."We kick Kakashi's ass!"

Then they all laughed evilly...very very evilly indeed

Somewhere deep in the Sound Village Orochimaru sensed something bad. He was so disturbed by it, that he cringed, making Kabuto, his butt wife, spill his evil nail polish all over his beloved masters feet. Kabuto was heartbroken, for marring his one true loves beautiful nails. But he did not feel half as bad as Orochimaru himself. He had just realized that somewhere, something in this world, was even more evil than himself.

In the meantime Kakashi had finally dared to go outside again. He had decided not to let those three buffoons ruin the one truly good week he had all year. The rest of his life was filled with missions and being the teacher of probably the most screwed up pre-teens on the planet. After the ugly shock he had received earlier, he had rearranged his precious porn-collection, just to calm his nerves. Again he set his sights on the forests and headed for his favourite tree, by his favourite creak, with his favourite book. His one visible eye cringed in an upward arc as he happily skipped along the road. His happiness was short lived though, as three figures appeared on the road ahead of him

"Awfully chirpy today, aren't we?" Asuma said in a scornful way

"Haven't you guys anything better to do?" Kakashi sighed "Like go hang yourselves?"

"Shut up" Came the sharp reply from Kurenai "You have taken my dignity!"

"And my cigarettes!" Asuma joined in.

"And my precious LEE!" Gai almost screamed tears running down his cheeks.

"YOU WILL PAY!" They all screamed simultaneously.

"You brought this upon yourselves, you moronic bastards!" Kakashi screamed back frustrated. "Just leave me alone!"

"Ready yourself Hakate Kakashi" Asuma said as all three of them went into combat stances.

"Oh crap" was the only thing Kakashi managed to say

Gai was the first one to launch his assault. Sprinting forward in a lightning fast head on attack, he forced Kakashi to react, while the others could position themselves. Gai threw a straight punch at Kakashi's face, that Kakashi managed to block with a downward thrust of his left arm. Almost instantly Gai threw a second punch with his left arm. Kakashi realized that he had almost forgot just how fast Gai really was, and just barley managed to move his head sideways out of the way. As his head spun left, he saw Asuma starting a seal-sequence, out of the corner of his eye. Even though he saw it, he could not recognise what it would do. Gai followed up his punches, with a low spinning kick, that caught Kakashi a bit off guard. As he jumped out of the way, Asuma bellowed out: "Beard Spear no Jutsu!" his rugged and manly beard suddenly grew into a long spear aimed straight for Kakashi, who was still in mid air. The manly facial hair spear would have impaled him, if he had not managed to twist his body backwards narrowly avoiding it. But all this had gotten him terribly off balance, and when Kurenai threw a bunch of shurikens at him he couldn't avoid them all. One of them caught his shoulder, but he had no time to react to the pain as Gai attacked again, this time with his trademark Konoha Senpuu. The copy ninja realized that, he would quickly loose if he stayed on the defensive, and in a moment he changed his tactics. Ducking under Gai's kick, he grabbed his foot and used the momentum to throw Gai towards Asuma. Taking advantage of the split second confusion, Kakashi collected chakra at his feet, and launched himself towards Kurenai. 3 on 1 were too much to take, he had to even the odds, now. Kurenai started a seal sequence, but Kakashi reached her with a left sidekick before she could finish. As Kurenai blocked the kick by crossing her arms over her chest, Kakashi pulled two kunai from the pouch on his outstretched leg, and threw them backwards, to keep Asuma and Gai occupied, if even for just a split second more. Kurenai threw right hook, that Kakashi easily dodged and countered with a straight low kick to the knee, followed up with a backhanded punch to the side of the head, that sent Kurenai flying. He turned to face the remaining foes, but to his dismay, the kunais had not bought him as much time as he needed. Asuma had thrown a shuriken and followed up with Kage Shuriken no Jutsu. As Kakashi tried to avoid the approaching wall of pointy metal, Gai came seemingly out of nowhere and managed to connect a powerful punch to Kakashi's abdomen. Everything went very fast downhill from there. As he rolled along the ground, Asuma hit him with a flying shoulder-tackle, that sent poor Kakashi into a nearby tree. When he tried to get up, his vision blurred, and the tree seemed to somehow secure him in its embrace. It was to late when he realized that Kurenai had gotten back up, and he was trapped in her genjutsu. Sighing in annoyance, he looked up at three very content, and in Kakashi's mind, idiotic Jounin.

"Now, let's see that book of his" Asuma said, growling like a grizzly bear, grinning like a loon. Kakashi struggled against his genjutsu prison, but could not for his life break them. Gai tiptoed over to Kakashi smiling so brightly Kakashi almost went snow-blind. As the beautiful green beast reached into the pocket that contained the book over all books, Kakashi's voice turned dark.

"Get your filthy hands of Itcha-chan" he growled in a tone so menacing and dark Gai almost jumped. Regaining his composure, he nervously cleared his throat and continued. He took out the book and turned triumphantly toward his comrades, only to be met with two pairs of frightened eyes. As Gai turned again he could see chakra collecting around Kakashi. It was so much it was visible to the naked eye. Gai started quivering as Kakashi met his gaze, with eyes that seemingly could burn through steel. Kurenai had started sweating.

"I can't hold him..." she stammered "this chakra is terrible..."

With a roar Kakashi expelled the vast amount of chakra from his feet, blasting free of the genjutsu's hold, completely shattering the tree in the process.

The tree confused jounins looked around themselves, not seeing Kakashi anywhere.

"There" Gai shouted pointing at another tree. There was the mighty copy ninja in all his glory, sharingan eye uncovered, gleaming red death at them. He opened his mouth and a voice they did not recognize bellowed across the field

"Violators of the holy book!"

"Huh? What, us?" Gai looked confused at the others.

"You are guilty of defiling that which is most revered, and for that you dogs shall pay dearly!" Kakashi screamed this in a commanding and condescending way, he sounded like a clergyman.

"What the fuck is that madman babbling about?" Kurenai mused

"He's has to have cracked his noodle..." Asuma stated flatly. The sudden change in Kakashi's behaviour was almost as comical as it was scary.

"Prepare to die!" Kakashi screamed, his voice almost breaking up. Then suddenly he disappeared.

"Uh, where did he go now?" Kurenai said, a bit uncertain if they had gotten themselves into deep doo-doo.

"There he is, that bastard" Asuma said puffing his chest out to try and look more masculine and menacing to his enemy.

"There he is!" Gai shouted, pointing into the distance . And surely enough, there was Kakashi currently into what seemed to be a long seal sequence. "Rising Earth Wall no Jutsu!" he screamed

"Huh?" Asuma said again, he was not by any means the sharpest ninja in Konoha

"Isn't that an Hokage level jutsu?" Kurenai asked looking scared

"Eh...yes" Gai stated nervously

They all looked at each other in moment as if to say "why the hell didn't I stay home today"

Then suddenly all went dark. As they looked up an earth wall about 20 meter tall loomed over them. They looked at each other again dumbstruck.

"Uh...run?" Gai half asked, half suggested. In a moment the all scattered in a panicked way, only seconds before the mud wall came crashing down. As they scattered in different directions Kakashi singled out Asuma as his target. As Asuma realized that the crazy sharingan-bastard was going after him, he bravely turned and stood his ground. Now, the two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Asuma contained a vast amount of both. Kakashi advanced on with alarming speed, Asuma did not have time to use a ninjutsu, so he lashed out with his brass knuckles. Kakashi blocked them with a kunai so hard that Asuma was pushed back. Asuma refused to go on defence, and attacked with a flurry of punches and kicks, but hit nothing but air. At this point Gai and Kurenai, joined their comrade, but their attempts would ultimately prove futile. Gai moved in with a flying kick, that Kakashi jumped up and blocked mid air. Kurenai saw this as an attempt to unleash a genjutsu, but when she finished the seal-sequence, nothing happened. She looked bewildered at her hands, having no clue to what might have happened. Before she got the chance to think more of it she was kicked in the head, momentarily passing out. This left Gai and Asuma. Then Gai did something totally unexpected. He started a seal-sequence of his own!

"Eat this!" he screamed "Grand Fire Ball no Jutsu!" But nothing happened! He tried it again, but Kakashi just stood there grinning under his mask. Gai cursed and tried again pressing as hard as he could. Resulting in him farting.. There was an embarrassed silence before Asuma broke out in a laughing fit. As he pointed at the humiliated Gai he exclaimed

"Hahahahah! You really can't tell ninjutsu from your own ass! Hahahaha, looser!" "This is how it's done!" he said cocksure, his manliness soaring to new heights. But his jutsu attempt ended just as the others.

"What the f....?" he looked like he had seen a green pig doing the can-can. Then he saw Kakashi smiling devilishly with a chidori in each hand

"Good night boys" he said darkly

"W-wait!" was all Asuma managed to say before all went dark.

When the three of them woke up they were bound on hands and feet. Looking up they saw Kakashi sitting casually back against a tree, looking at them. They all struggled against their bonds but none of them could break them.

"When the hell did you get so freakishly strong?" Kurenai said angrily.

"That was freaking Hokage level techniques! How could you pull that off?" Gai continued

"And why the hell didn't any of our jutsu's work?" Asuma fumed. After all it was very un-manly to be tied up so close to another man.

Kakashi sighed. Then he cleared his throat. "I have always been this good"

"Huh? Always?" Gai said, "I don't believe you" he pouted "You are my eternal rival, and I'm better than you!"

"Why did you hide it then, you ass?" Kurenai said harshly. Not only had their plan backfired, they had gotten themselves beaten up and humiliated even more. Her dignity was currently as dead as a sound-nin.

"Why the hell didn't our jutsus work!?" Asuma screamed. He had made a total ass of himself and on top of that he was being ignored.

"You all fell victim to my ultimate technique" Kakashi stated whilst staring of into the distance.

"I didn't see any seals" Gai looked like a question mark

"I did it with my ass" Kakashi stated as if it was a completely normal thing.

"How gay" Asuma said sourly

"With your ass? How the hell does that work?"

"A trained Jounin can expel chakra from every opening in his body. I just managed to make my own set of seals with my ass."

"Seals with your ass, no wonder you hid it" Asuma continued

"They are not ordinary seals, they are counter-seals. For each seal, I discovered a counterseal. Take the dog seal for example, my cat-seal counteracts it. With my sharingan I can tell what seals you are about to use, and counter it with my own ass-counter-seals. It's my unbeatable combo. I could be the Hokage with my skills" he grinned.

"The great AssKage of konoha..that would have worked wonders for public relations" Gai said clearly pissed off by the fact that Kakashi was leagues ahead of him in the ninja department.

"Then why did you hide it?" Kurenai asked again

Kakashi turned serious "I hated the killing and death"

"What a lame excuse" Asuma interrupted "We have all been through that hell"

At that statement Kakashi set his stern eyes on him and almost screamed

"Hell can't hold a candle to what I've been through! Hell is punishment for sinners, scum and the wretched. War is chaotic unlinear and surreal. At least hell is ruled by some divine logic. War consumes all those who get entangled in its web. In hell you suffer for your own wrongdoings, in war you die for the sins and wrongdoings of others. War is not fought by humans. Warriors turn themselves into mad dogs, hell-bent on their own deliverance. Their own deliverance and nothing else. When you charge a battlefield, you would gladly fling a kunai at you best friend if he where on the wrong side, to ensure your own survival. Comradery is crushed under the hell of your own ego. In battle you twist a sword in your heart to become a tool, emotions will only get you killed. Ideals like honour, glory and self-sacrifice for the greater good are hammered into your head from the first day at the academy. They mean nothing! Hypocritical bullshit! Kill without emotion, but still fight for others, the ones you are supposed to love? It's romantic crap.. The only purpose ideals serve is to remind you of how useless you are, when you are to scared to move! The ones you call your friends, dieing around you, and all you do is freeze whilst Konoha's precious ideals scream at you that you are lower than trash. Konoha, our precious home, the home we will defend with our very lives is a joke! We are merchants of the afterlife, we deal in death. We kill for money, and we dear call ourselves noble? Ninja diplomacy is like saying "Good doggy!" until you can find a rock."

"So why did I hide my skills? I was 17 years old and ha already lost all that I loved, murdered countless foes. I was called a "one man genocide" but for all my powers I could not save anyone. I am a force of death and destruction, that could never save a soul. I have only brought terror, death and sorrow to others. In my years of combat and killing, I realized that this way of life revealed the worst in me, made me feel sick, made me hate myself, right into my heroic, good-for-nothing, rotten soul. So I hid my skills, just as I hid from the blade of my enemy. To escape my torment, try and pick up the pieces of my bruised, battered, burnt and shattered heart. I led the life of a normal Jounin, my stagnation classified as a case of early blooming. I kept away from people, hid my face, my shame. I have never been able to face my demons, so I hide to escape. Why do you think my Genin test was that hard? I did not want anyone in my life. I did not want anyone to get close enough to realize, just as I did, what a monster I had turned myself into. I have seen myself and it made my stomach turn, how do you think others would react?"

"Why didn't you just quit, if it was so horrible?" Asuma said in defiance. He hated the idea of being lectured. Even more so he hated the fact that Kakashi was right.

"I can't deny what I am. Being a ninja is all I can. Besides sticks and stone can break my bones, but so would an 80 kg carrot. And you don't see me running around afraid of overgrown vegetables"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kurenai asked irritated

"I could not afford to be afraid, it would kill me. When you were 5 you were taught about love and peace in kinder garden. I was taught about death and destruction. You were taught that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I was taught that the best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open."

"Well enough is enough" Kakashi said, suddenly chirpy again. "Hope this has taught you guys something. I'm off to read my book. IN PEACE!" he looked at all three of them, and in a puff of smoke he was gone.

"Ah fuck.." Asuma pouted, I give up

"Never!" Gai screamed

"That's right!" Kurenai joined in. Every strong man has a weakness, I know just the thing!

"Another plan?" Asuma rolled his eyes. "Just see where your previous plan got us"

"Oh trust me boys, this is an old hyuuga family secret I know, that would do the trick!"

"A secret?" Gai asked

"Yes indeed" Kurenai said as smugly as the first time "Yes indeed, Hakate Kakashi will pay! No matter the cost!" Then she proceeded with laughing evilly, all by herself

What is this Hyuuga secret that will bring down Kakashi? Is there a technique powerful enough to stop the ass-wielding ninja? All will be reviled in the next chapter!