SEINFELD
THE COWBOY
BY JOSH FAGAN
SCENE - STREET
(George is staring at the ground looking for a piece of gum he has just dropped. As he answers the stranger he begins to look up, noticing that the man he's talking to is dressed like a cowboy and speaks with a thick Texas drawl.)
PAUL
Pardon me stranger. But you wouldn't happen to know where Bleecker Street is by any chance?
GEORGE
Bleecker Street. Yeah. It's...
PAUL
Looking for something?
GEORGE
Oh. I dropped a piece of gum.
PAUL
Well I chew tobacco myself.
(George looks up at Paul with his wide-brimmed hat, boots, leather jacket, tight jeans, and five o'clock shadow)
GEORGE
Bleecker Street. Umm, yeah it's right around here I think. I know where it is. Let me think for a second. Yeah. You just go straight and turn left at the third light.
PAUL
Well I'm mighty obliged.
GEORGE
No problem. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you, like, a real cowboy?
PAUL
I sure am.
GEORGE
Wow. So, like, you've been out on the, I don't know what they call it, drives?
PAUL
Oh sure. Yeah, I've had my fair share of drives. I was out on one last week. Drove all the way to Maine.
GEORGE
You drove to Maine? What, like on the trails, right? Do they have cows in Maine?
PAUL
Some.
GEORGE
Oh, I can't believe this. I've got to tell you. I've always wanted to be a cowboy. The hat, the lasso. Is it lasso-o, or lass-oo? I could never figure that out.
PAUL
Heck, you New Yorkers really crack me up. Well I've got to be moseying now.
GEORGE
Mosey! Wow. All right. Mosey on.
PAUL
The third light on the left?
GEORGE
Yeah. And then just keep going straight.
SCENE - STREET
(Jerry and George are walking)
GEORGE
Do you ever wonder what they do out on those cattle drives?
JERRY
I don't even think they have those any more.
GEORGE
Well what do they do with the cows?
JERRY
The same thing they've always done.
GEORGE
Well how do they get them from one place to another?
JERRY
They drive them.
GEORGE
In cars?
JERRY
Yeah. They take them out in the old station wagon. Flip down the back seat, pull down the headrests; you can get five or six head in there, tops.
GEORGE
Head?
JERRY
That's what they call cows. Head.
GEORGE
Well I don't know about that.
JERRY
You've never heard that expression before? 5 head of cattle.
GEORGE
Well why would they call them head? How about something more distinctive? Like, hooves. Or udders. Five udders. Five udds.
JERRY
Yeah. Udds.
GEORGE
The Old West. That really would have been a neat place to live.
JERRY
Yeah. I could see you wearing spurs.
GEORGE
What do you think about going to a dude ranch? I'm serious. We could all go out there. You, me, and Kramer.
JERRY
I don't know. It seems like a lot of leather.
GEORGE
Come on. It'll be fun. We'll all go together. It'll be like a vacation.
JERRY
A vacation! Yeah. This is coming from a guy who couldn't even ride a banana seat.
GEORGE
I wonder what they do on a dude ranch.
JERRY
I don't know. All those dudes. They probably just sit around, comb their hair, wear leather jackets, act cool. Get into rumbles.
GEORGE
That's enough.
JERRY
All of a sudden you want to be a cowboy?
GEORGE
Not all of a sudden. I've always wanted to do something exciting. Even when I was a kid, I used to play with those cap guns. I used to pretend they were six shooters.
JERRY
So you think that you could have survived out there on the range?
GEORGE
I lived with my parents. How much worse could it have been?
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(George and Jerry are about to enter the apartment)
JERRY
So what's with all this cowboy stuff all of the sudden?
GEORGE
I met a cowboy on the street today. Hat. Belt buckle. Everything. This guy was like the embodiment of cool.
JERRY
Like James Dean with the horse instead of the hot rod.
GEORGE
He asked me where Bleecker Street was. I think I gave him bad directions.
JERRY
Where'd you tell him to go?
GEORGE
I told him to walk away from the river.
JERRY
But Bleecker's towards the river.
GEORGE
I know. I realized it like a minute after he left.
JERRY
Well how far did you tell him to go?
GEORGE
I told him to keep going straight until he got there.
JERRY
So for all you know this guy's still walking?
GEORGE
Well he was wearing cowboy boots. He would have had to stop. Rest his feet. You've worn those things before. They're like vice grips for your feet. It's like wearing a piece of wood for a shoe.
(Jerry opens an envelope and studies the contents)
JERRY
Oh, I can't believe this.
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
These tickets. I'm playing a club in Atlantic City this weekend. My agent was supposed to send me plane tickets. These are the wrong tickets.
GEORGE
Really? Where are they for? Not Modesto?
JERRY
Modesto? What are you talking about? Does it matter where they're for?
GEORGE
No.
JERRY
This is like the third time this month that she's screwed up. You know, I think she's crazy.
GEORGE
How do you mean?
JERRY
She's crazy?
GEORGE
Like raving?
JERRY
I've seen her rave.
GEORGE
Raving's not that rare. What does she do?
JERRY
I've caught her talking to herself.
GEORGE
So what. I talk to myself.
JERRY
I mean like complete conversations.
GEORGE
Well, I don't interest myself that much. Usually it's just a hello and goodbye.
JERRY
It's really a terrible situation. I'm afraid what she's gonna do.
GEORGE
Please. Is this the one who did the whole thing with the pilot?
JERRY
No. She moved to LA. She just liked palm trees.
GEORGE
So what are you going to do? With the tickets, I mean.
JERRY
You're not getting the tickets.
GEORGE
Well, then, with the agent?
JERRY
I'm going to fire her.
GEORGE
You fire people?
JERRY
Yeah. I can fire people.
GEORGE
I'd like to see you fire someone.
JERRY
Well, I'm not a confrontational person, but I can turn it on when I have to. I can flick that switch.
GEORGE
Well if you fire her, what are you going to do for an agent?
JERRY
I'll find someone else.
GEORGE
Maybe I could manage you.
JERRY
Don't you already have a job?
GEORGE
Yeah. But this could be like a part time thing. I could do it on the side.
JERRY
You mean like after school, in your spare time. Maybe pick up a little extra cash?
GEORGE
Yeah. It would be fun.
JERRY
I don't know if I want you managing my career on the side. It's kind of a little important to me.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
They threw me out.
JERRY
Out of where?
KRAMER
Out of the drug store.
JERRY
Why?
KRAMER
I was reading the magazines. They said "This isn't a library." I said, "Well, then maybe I'll talk a little louder."
GEORGE
Really? You said that? That's so, I don't know, quick witted.
KRAMER
Yeah. Thanks.
GEORGE
Don't you think that was funny?
JERRY
It was all right.
GEORGE
All right. It was great.
JERRY
It wasn't bad.
GEORGE
Just because you're a comedian, you can't admit that what he said was funny.
JERRY
No. Just because it wasn't that funny, is why I can't admit it was funny.
GEORGE
Funny.
KRAMER
So anyway, what are you doing with your garbage?
JERRY
My garbage?
KRAMER
Yeah.
(Kramer starts looking around for Jerry's garbage)
JERRY
Well I was going to stuff it in the mattress, but if you want it...
(Kramer has found the garbage and is now rooting around in it)
KRAMER
Oh no. What is this? A can?
JERRY
Yeah. So what.
KRAMER
You've got to recycle.
JERRY
Recycle? No, I don't think so.
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
My trash-handling experience begins and ends at the garbage can.
KRAMER
Oh sure, pollute this planet. It's OK. You won't be around when the whole thing goes up in BAM, a puff of smoke.
JERRY
You've got a lot of free time on your hands, don't you?
KRAMER
I'm wide open.
JERRY
You want to be in charge of my recycling? Go ahead. You want to sort through my garbage? Be my guest.
(Kramer is again sifting through the garbage)
KRAMER
What is this? Come on! Newspaper!
SCENE - DRUGSTORE
ELAINE
Excuse me. I don't know if you can help me. I'm looking for this floss. It's red. It's thick. It's this really good, thick, red floss.
TIM
I'm sorry. But I don't think they make that brand anymore.
ELAINE
They don't?
TIM
No. I think it made people's hair fall out, or something.
ELAINE
But I loved that floss. That was the only floss I could use. That other stuff cuts my gums.
TIM
What about toothpicks?
ELAINE
You're joking, right?
(Enter Alan)
ALAN
Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing you. Are you talking about Dentone floss?
ELAINE
Yeah! Dentone. Wow. How'd you know?
ALAN
I work for the company that used to make it. We've still got crates of the stuff that we can't sell. I can get you some if you want? You'd just have to pay the wholesale.
ELAINE
Yeah. That would be great.
ALAN
And, you don't care if your hair falls out?
ELAINE
No. I've got lots. Look.
ALAN
Ha. That's funny.
ELAINE
Thanks. I used to date a comedian.
ALAN
Used to?
ELAINE
We're just friends.
ALAN
You know when I like to floss? Before a date.
ELAINE
Really?
ALAN
I think I'd floss for you.
ELAINE
Oh. Well…
ALAN
I'd like to floss tonight. Around 8.
ELAINE
Why not?
SCENE - MONKS
(Jerry is sitting in the coffee shop with Helen, his agent. She's a thin, agitated woman, who seems to be constantly moving)
HELEN
You really killed them in Broadview last week.
JERRY
That was an amusement park. They were throwing peanuts at me. I had cotton candy caught in my hair.
HELEN
But you killed them.
JERRY
Well...
HELEN
Killed. Mowed 'em down. Slaughtered. You slaughtered them.
JERRY
Look, I'm a little uncomfortable with all the death imagery.
HELEN
Come on Jerry. Don't be so serious. Lighten up a bit. Have fun. Come on. Smile! I know you can do it. Smile!
JERRY
About the plane tickets...
HELEN
I told you, Jerry. I'm so sorry. That will never happen again. I don't know how I made that mistake. You know Atlanta and Atlantic City. They're so similar.
JERRY
Similar, yet 1500 miles apart.
HELEN
I'm sorry.
JERRY
Look, I don't think this thing's working out.
HELEN
What thing?
JERRY
Our thing.
HELEN
Our thing?
JERRY
Maybe I'd be better off with someone else managing me.
HELEN
Someone else. Is it another woman? Is she prettier than me?
JERRY
That has nothing to do with it.
HELEN
I knew it.
JERRY
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
HELEN
Jerry, I can change. I can make you happy. Give me a chance. Let me make you happy.
JERRY
You know, it's not a reflection of you personally. It's more me. It's me, it's my personal tastes. I'm tough to work with. That's what they always tell me.
HELEN
That's right.
JERRY
Excuse me?
HELEN
Well you just said it. You're tough to work with. No. Nothing's too good for you.
JERRY
I am not tough to work with.
HELEN
Who threw a hissy fit last month when he didn't get the window seat?
JERRY
I was a little upset. I did not throw a hissy fit.
HELEN
You almost cried.
JERRY
I had an eyelash in my eye.
HELEN
You know what. I quit. This is too much for me…(Doing an about-face) Please Jerry, give me another chance.
JERRY
It's over.
HELEN
Fine! But I'm keeping the ring.
JERRY
That's a rubber band.
(Helen gets up and storms out)
JERRY
Hey, don't worry. I'll get the cheque.
SCENE - BUILDING LOBBY
(Jerry is in the lobby of an office building, reading the list of tenants on the wall)
JERRY
Tenth floor, eleventh floor, twelfth floor. Fourteenth floor. Excuse me, I'm looking for Barry Sharp's office.
ATTENDANT
What floor?
JERRY
Thirteenth.
ATTENDANT
There isn't a thirteenth floor.
JERRY
Well what's after twelve?
ATTENDANT
Fourteenth.
JERRY
Well where's thirteenth?
ATTENDANT
There isn't a thirteenth.
JERRY
So if I jumped out of the fourteenth floor window, I'd fall 14 stories.
ATTENDANT
You'd fall.
JERRY
I can't believe this.
(An elevator door opens and Kramer walks out with a stack of papers under his arm)
(Enter Kramer)
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
Making copies. You know my hot tub? Well, I'm getting rid of it. Selling it. It's good as gone.
JERRY
So you came all the way uptown to use the Xerox?
KRAMER
Well I'm not paying five cents a copy. I'm not made out of money, Jerry.
JERRY
All right. I'll see you later.
KRAMER
Where are you going?
JERRY
Oh, I'm going up to meet a booking agent. I fired my manager so now I've got to handle all this stuff myself.
KRAMER
You know what, I'm gonna come with you.
JERRY
No. You're not coming with me.
KRAMER
Why not?
JERRY
What are you, my mother?
KRAMER
I'm thirsty. You think they've got something to drink up there.
JERRY
I'm sure they do.
KRAMER
Do you think they have water?
JERRY
Yes. I think they have water.
KRAMER
Filtered?
JERRY
I don't know. Will you get out of here?
KRAMER
Well why wouldn't they have filtered?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Well don't you think that's a little strange?
JERRY
Please…
KRAMER
Impurities. You know those things add up. And, I don't need to tell you what happens.
JERRY
All right! You can come!
KRAMER
Yes!
JERRY
But you've got to sit still. And be quiet.
KRAMER
Hey. Zipping it up.
(Kramer and Jerry enter the elevator)
KRAMER
You've got something on your face. Here (Kramer removes a tissue from his pocket, spits on it, and holds it up to Jerry's face).
SCENE - BARRY SHARP'S OFFICE
(Jerry and Kramer exit the elevator and enter Barry Sharp's office. It is finely furnished with black leather chairs. A secretary sits at her desk.)
KRAMER
Whoa. Swanky. (Touching the chair) That's real leather. Fine tooled. See that's old world craftsmanship. You can't get that anymore.
JERRY
Sit down.
(Kramer has found a water cooler and is getting a drink)
KRAMER
Filtered.
(Jerry approaches the secretary)
JERRY
Hi. Jerry Seinfeld to see Barry Sharp. I have an appointment for 1.
SECRETARY
Mr. Sharp will be with you in a minute. Would you like to take a seat?
JERRY
Thank you.
KRAMER
Where are the magazines?
JERRY
I don't know. Over there.
KRAMER
No. No. I looked over there.
JERRY
Maybe they don't have any.
KRAMER
How can they not have any? This is a waiting room. They've got to have magazines.
JERRY
I understand it's in the Constitution.
(Kramer is rummaging around for reading material)
KRAMER
Well this is crazy. I can't just sit here. I need to be entertained.
JERRY
This isn't a matinee, you know.
KRAMER
What am I going to do?
JERRY
Here. You want to read something? I've got a baggage claim ticket.
(Kramer gets up from his seat)
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
I'm gonna say something.
JERRY
You're not gonna say anything.
KRAMER
Jerry, look at us, sitting out here like a couple of saps. Sitting here. Completely unstimulated. What are we supposed to do?
JERRY
How about talk to each other.
KRAMER
Yeah! Right.
JERRY
Will you sit down?
(Kramer approaches the secretary)
KRAMER
Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you don't seem to have any magazines.
SECRETARY
That's right.
KRAMER
Well don't you think that's a little amateurish?
SECRETARY
Mr. Sharp will be with you in a minute sir.
KRAMER
Oh. I'm sure he will. Meanwhile us insignificant little paeans have to sit out here and stare at the walls until we go snow-blind. Is that fair? I don't think so.
JERRY
Will you sit down?
KRAMER
Give me a newspaper. A pamphlet. Something!
JERRY
(To the secretary) I'm sorry.
KRAMER
Oh, no, don't apologize. Don't give in to them.
(Enter Mr. Sharp)
SHARP
Excuse me. Can I help you?
KRAMER
What kind of office are you running here?
SHARP
Excuse me?
JERRY
(To Kramer) Get out of here! I'm sorry, Barry.
SHARP
Jerry. Is this guy with you?
JERRY
Sort of. I'm just watching him, you know. He got hit in the head by a light bulb. He was just sitting there and this light bulb fell down and hit him in the head. And he's supposed to be under observation. So I'm observing him.
SHARP
Oh.
JERRY
So, should we go into your office?
SHARP
You know what. I've got all the information for you right here. Here are the tickets.
JERRY
Oh, so it's all arranged?
SHARP
Yeah. Everything's done. Here's the cheque
JERRY
Oh.
SHARP
What?
JERRY
It's just a little less than I thought it would be.
SHARP
No. That's what we settled on.
JERRY
Well, all right.
KRAMER
What's going on here?
JERRY
Nothing.
KRAMER
Is he trying to sucker you? Is he trying to sucker you? Because he better not be trying to sucker you?
JERRY
He's not trying anything.
SHARP
Excuse me. Who are you?
KRAMER
I'm your worst nightmare buddy.
JERRY
Don't pay any attention to him. You know it wasn't even a bulb. It was like whole neon, fluorescent, tube thing.
KRAMER
Let me see that (grabs the cheque). Ha! You've got to be kidding.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
No. We won't do anything for a penny less than this (grabs a pen, writes a number on the back of the cheque and hands it to Sharp).
SHARP
I don't think you understand...
KRAMER
Here's what I think I understand (rips up the cheque). You think we're a couple of rubes fresh off the turnip truck? I've been in this business for twenty-five years. Twenty-five years. Oh, you're not slipping this by me.
SHARP
Jerry?
JERRY
I'm really sorry, Barry.
KRAMER
No. The only one who should be sorry is him. $1500. That's an insult. Hey, why don't you just take my money. Take my money. (Begins removing cash from his wallet and throwing it on the floor) Take it. Because I don't want it.
SHARP
Well maybe we can come up a little bit.
KRAMER
A little. Oh no. A lot.
SHARP
Well maybe we can work something out.
KRAMER
You see how easy that was.
SHARP
$2500? Is that fair?
KRAMER
Now we're talking.
SHARP
I'll have my secretary draw up the papers.
KRAMER
Papers? No. Here (sticks out his hand). That's how we do business where I come from.
SHARP
Well, Jerry. Do we have a deal?
JERRY
Deal. Yeah, deal.
SHARP
Well. I'll talk to you later.
KRAMER
Nice doing business with you. (To Jerry) Lets get out of here.
SCENE - MONKS
(Kramer and Jerry are sitting at a table, eating)
JERRY
I still can't believe it.
KRAMER
Oh, you'd better. Because it's right there. And you're staring at it.
JERRY
$2500. That's more than we talked about.
KRAMER
You've got to be forceful. You've got to hold the cards. And you've got to deal them. You know the art of the deal, Jerry. It's a strange bedfellow. Business. Well you've got to live it before you learn it.
JERRY
What are you talking about?
KRAMER
Life.
JERRY
Hmm.
KRAMER
What?
JERRY
Nothing.
KRAMER
I'll do it!
JERRY
What? Do what?
KRAMER
I'll manage you.
JERRY
I never said anything.
KRAMER
We're on the same wavelength here. I can feel it. That's what you were thinking. You don't even have to speak.
(Enter Waitress with a pot of coffee)
WAITRESS
(To Jerry) More coffee?
KRAMER
Yes.
JERRY
Actually, no thanks.
KRAMER
He'll have the decaf.
JERRY
Alright.
KRAMER
So what's our next move?
JERRY
Our next move?
KRAMER
You know. Work the phones? The club scene?
JERRY
You're not managing me.
KRAMER
Why not?
JERRY
Do you have any experience?
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Do you have any formal training?
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Have you ever worked in show business.
KRAMER
No.
JERRY
Well, I think that's a start.
KRAMER
I think you're making a big mistake
JERRY
You want to manage me?
KRAMER
Of course I do. Look, Jerry, you're just a kid. Oh, I know the type. Young, wide-eyed. Thinks the whole world's their oyster. Yeah, you've got…some talent. And with my help that…little bit of talent could go a long way. I'll bust down doors for you. I'll bust 'em down. Look at the lines on this face. Look at them. You know what that is? That's experience.
JERRY
No…No. It won't work.
KRAMER
Why not? Look, I'll start drawing something up. What you need is a career plan. Have you ever thought about playing Juno?
JERRY
Alaska?
KRAMER
Eskimos. They love to laugh. Keeps them warm.
SCENE – STREET
(George is sitting on a bench, adjusting his new COWBOY BOOTS)
(Enter Dan and Wife)
DAN
Excuse me. My wife and I are just in from Portland for the weekend. We're lost, and well, we're trying to find Rockefeller Centre. Could you help us?
GEORGE
Yeah, Rockefeller Centre, that's just…you know, I'm sorry, I really don't feel comfortable giving directions.
DAN
Why not?
GEORGE
It's a long story.
DAN
Well don't you know where it is?
GEORGE
Yes. But I'm just really not comfortable mapping it out for you. You know, what if I tell you to go left and you should have gone right? You see what I'm saying? It'll ruin my whole day.
DAN
I don't understand. Are you from New York?
GEORGE
Born and raised.
DAN
So you just won't tell us?
GEORGE
Look. It's in that direction. (Waves his hand nonchalantly)
DAN
That direction?
GEORGE
Please. I'm doing you a favour.
(George gets up and clunks down the street in his boots)
SCENE – ELAINE'S APARTMENT
(Elaine is waiting for her date. He arrives, pulls up to the curb, and exits the car)
MARK
Elaine. You look lovely.
ELAINE
Thanks. You too. Handsome though.
MARK
Your chariot awaits.
ELAINE
Oh! What a nice car.
MARK
It used to be my father's.
ELAINE
Oh. I'm sorry.
MARK
It's okay. He didn't die. He just gave it to me.
ELAINE
Well. That's nice!
MARK
Umm, Elaine. I know this might sound a little strange, and feel free to say no if you're not comfortable, but could you drive?
ELAINE
You want me to drive?
MARK
Yeah. I'm not a really good driver, and it kind of makes me uncomfortable when I'm the car with another person. I'm swerving all over the lane. And forget about parking. I mean, if I have to make a left-hand turn...I hope you don't mind.
ELAINE
No. I don't mind. I'll drive. No big deal.
MARK
You're sure.
ELAINE
Yeah. I'll drive. Come on. (Rattles the key chain) Get in.
SCENE – COFFEE SHOP
(Jerry is sitting at a booth, George enters decked out as a cowboy)
JERRY
(Looking George up and down) My god.
GEORGE
(Twirls around)
JERRY
I'm speechless.
GEORGE
The jeans are a little tight.
JERRY
Yeah. I can see your…
GEORGE
All right!
JERRY
So what is this?
GEORGE
I woke up this morning. I went outside to get the paper. And I realized something. I want to be a cowboy.
JERRY
It's funny. I did the same thing, and all I felt like was a bowl of shredded wheat.
GEORGE
Laugh if you want. It's all about takin' er easy.
JERRY
You're gonna talk like a cowboy now too?
GEORGE
Well, I picked up a few expressions.
JERRY
Get along little doggies.
GEORGE
Yeah. So what do you think?
JERRY
Think? I love it. I've always said you look great in tassels.
GEORGE
You really like it?
JERRY
Yeah. Hey, it'll be great for dates. You go out for the dinner. Tie up your horse to the hitchin' post. Then you just ride off into the sunset. Or if anyone ever challenges you to a duel. You're ready.
GEORGE
All right.
JERRY
Who are you supposed to be, Joe Buck?
GEORGE
The broadcaster?
JERRY
The cowboy.
GEORGE
Oh.
JERRY
Well, at least you tried.
GEORGE
(Flinging his cowboy hat down) That's right. I'm out there trying new things. Taking chances.
JERRY
Roping steer.
GEORGE
Someone asked me for directions today. Some guy and his wife from Portland. I couldn't do it.
JERRY
Couldn't do what?
GEORGE
I couldn't help them. I was so afraid of giving them the wrong directions, I froze. I was trying to map it out in my head. OK, you turn here, left there, right here.
JERRY
So if you knew where they had to go, why didn't you just tell them?
GEORGE
I wasn't 100 sure. You can't give directions unless you're 100 sure. That's a sacred trust. Directions.
JERRY
So where were they going, somewhere in the village?
GEORGE
Rockefeller Center.
JERRY
But you've been there like 500 times.
GEORGE
I know. My mental map database, gone. Years of directions just vanished from my brain. Shortcuts, everything.
JERRY
Maybe those jeans are a little tight.
SCENE – STREET
(Kramer is on the street handing out fliers advertising Jerry's comedy)
KRAMER
Hey. Jerry Seinfeld. One night only. Bring your friends.
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT
(Jerry and Elaine are sitting on the couch)
JERRY
He made you drive?
ELAINE
He didn't make me drive. He asked me to drive.
JERRY
Same thing.
ELAINE
It is not the same thing. He asked me.
JERRY
How did he ask you?
ELAINE
He said, well, "Elaine, I hope you don't mind, but would it be possible for you to drive."
JERRY
Would it be possible? That's not asking. That's telling. What were you gonna do, say no? "No. Of course it wouldn't be possible. No, of course I mind."
ELAINE
I guess I couldn't have said no.
JERRY
A man making a woman drive. I've seen it before. It just doesn't seem right.
ELAINE
No. To tell you the truth, it was kind of a turn off.
JERRY
So are you going out with him again?
ELAINE
Yeah, we're going out tonight. I told him I'd pick him up at eight.
JERRY
There's something about being behind the wheel of a car. It's like chopping wood.
ELAINE
Yeah.
JERRY
All those engine parts have like those really masculine names. Like the pistons, axel, wheel well.
ELAINE
What about muffler? That's kind of dainty.
JERRY
Yeah. I'm not too happy about spark plug either.
(Enter Kramer)
KRAMER
Hey. There you are. I've been calling you all day.
JERRY
No you haven't. I've been here the whole time and the phone hasn't rung.
KRAMER
Well then who was I calling?
JERRY
I don't know.
KRAMER
Wow. That's a tough one. An eye opener. Kind of brings you back down to earth you know.
JERRY
I wouldn't think that would be a problem for you.
KRAMER
I got you a gig tonight at Catch-22. Now it doesn't pay that much, but I heard from the maitre-d that Lorne Michaels might just drop by for dessert. So, you know, new material.
JERRY
What are you talking about? Got me a gig? Who told you that you could get me a gig?
KRAMER
Jerry, I'm your manager. I've got to be autonomous. I've got to.
JERRY
First of all, you're not my manager. And I've already got a show tonight.
KRAMER
Well no one told me!
JERRY
Was I supposed to?
KRAMER
Oh right. Cut me right out of the loop. Well that's a bad career move, buddy. You know, Brillstein, he told me this would happen.
JERRY
You know Bernie Brillstein?
KRAMER
His cousin. But he knows the score.
JERRY
Look, will you calm down. I can't do the show tonight. Just call and cancel.
KRAMER
I can't. I gave them my word.
JERRY
So what?
KRAMER
That's all I have.
JERRY
So?
KRAMER
And I took a little advance.
JERRY
So give it back.
KRAMER
I can't. I already spent it on a filter for the hot tub.
JERRY
But I thought you were getting rid of the hot tub?
KRAMER
I can't fit it through the door. It's stuck in there. I don't even know how I got it in.
JERRY
How much did you take?
KRAMER
$1500
JERRY
You got $1500 to do Catch-22?
KRAMER
Well it took a little wiggling you know.
JERRY
Wow. I don't think anyone's ever gotten close to that.
KRAMER
Piscopo. You know he got twelve. But that was for him and Sinatra.
JERRY
Well what time do I go on?
KRAMER
10:15.
JERRY
That's the best spot.
KRAMER
You're the showcase.
JERRY
The showcase? Really. Elaine, I've never been a showcase before.
KRAMER
Yeah. They really want you. I had them on their knees. They were begging me. Begging me.
JERRY
I'm doing a show at Moe's at 8. You know what, I think I can make it. I think I can do both shows.
KRAMER
Oh, that's great. Yeah. Oh man, that's great.
JERRY
You still owe me $1500 you know.
KRAMER
Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(George is sitting on his couch peeling an orange. He finishes and picks up the phone to call Jerry)
JERRY
Hello.
GEORGE
Hey, I just peeled an orange in one continuous peel. You know how rare that is?
JERRY
Congratulations.
GEORGE
Well, that's it.
JERRY
That's what you called to tell me?
GEORGE
Yeah.
JERRY
Hey, what are you doing tonight?
GEORGE
Nothing.
JERRY
Why don't you come down to this show I'm doing at Catch-22.
GEORGE
I don't know.
JERRY
What else are you going to do?
GEORGE
I think I might go to sleep.
JERRY
Well if you change your mind, the show's at 10.
GEORGE
Alright.
(George hangs up the phone. He takes another orange off his lap and begins peeling it)
SCENE - ALAN'S CAR
ELAINE
So where are we going?
ALAN
I got us reservations at Catch-22. It's this nightclub in Midtown. I think Lorne Michaels hangs out there a lot.
ELAINE
Hey, my friend's performing there tonight.
ALAN
Really?
ELAINE
Yeah. So where is it?
ALAN
Midtown.
ELAINE
Where in Midtown?
ALAN
I don't know.
ELAINE
You don't know?
ALAN
Sorry. I don't drive a lot. I don't really know the streets very well.
ELAINE
Oh well, we'll just stop and ask someone for directions.
SCENE - GEORGE'S APARTMENT
(George is eating crackers and brushing the crumbs onto the floor)
GEORGE
All right.
(Suddenly he gets up, checks his watch, and wanders into the bedroom)
SCENE - ALAN'S CAR
ELAINE
Hey, where are we?
ALAN
I don't know.
ELAINE
Didn't that guy say left, then right?
ALAN
Yeah. I think so.
ELAINE
Is that a cow? Are there farms in New York City?
ALAN
I think I see a guy up there. Stop and ask him where we are.
ELAINE
Is that a cowboy?
ALAN
I think it is.
(Elaine and Alan pull up beside the cowboy)
ELAINE
Excuse me, but we're kind of lost. Do you know where we are?
PAUL
Sorry, ma'am. But I'm kind of lost myself.
ELAINE
Oh.
PAUL
Say, would you mind giving me a lift into the city. Some fellow gave me some bad directions yesterday, and I've been walking ever since. A short, stocky, bald-headed fellow. If I ever see him again...
ELAINE
Well, saddle up.
SCENE - BACKSTAGE AT CATCH-22
KRAMER
Hey. How about that spread? Huh. Tell me that's not the best bologna you've ever had. Because if you don't tell me that, you're lying. And there's no room for that in show business. This is a brotherhood. We've got to trust each other.
JERRY
Yeah. It was good bologna.
KRAMER
Not just good.
(Applause and the club emcee are heard)
EMCEE
Lets give a big round of applause for the prop comic, Andy Lohner. Andy Lohner.
(Enter Andy Lohner)
JERRY
Good set.
ANDY
Thanks. It's a good room out there tonight.
KRAMER
Is that a lass-oo?
ANDY
It's a lasso.
KRAMER
Wow. Do you mind?
ANDY
No. I'll tell you what, you can keep it. This whole cowboy thing isn't working for me. What's funny about a cowboy? Nothing.
KRAMER
Thanks.
EMCEE
And now ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Jerry Seinfeld.
KRAMER
Break a leg.
JERRY
Thanks.
SCENE - DOOR OF CATCH-22
(George enters and looks for a seat)
SCENE - STAGE AT CATCH-22
JERRY
One thing the homeless don't get enough credit for is their penmanship. I'm walking down the street and I see a homeless guy holding up a sign. We've all seen this. And the sign says the usual thing. You know, "homeless, need food, thank you for your donations." All that stuff. But what struck me was how neat this sign was. I mean the lettering was perfect. And correct spelling. Who is making these signs for the homeless? You've got the flap torn off the cardboard box. And the big printed letters. I mean, is someone doing this for a living? And how much can they be charging?
How bad does it feel to get conned by a homeless person? I mean you're this ordinary average guy walking down the street, and here you think you're doing a nice thing by giving this guy some change. And he's conning you. It's a con.
I think that homeless people, as a group, are part of some giant homeless organization. What I really love about the homeless is the "God bless you," that they always have at the end of that sign. You know, these are some levelheaded people.
SCENE - BACKSTAGE AT THE CLUB
(Elaine, Alan, and Paul enter)
ELAINE
Kramer.
KRAMER
Hey. Performers only.
ELAINE
Is that Jerry?
KRAMER
He's killing. You know, I think I can get him Carson.
ELAINE
(To Alan) Lets go.
(Exit Elaine and Alan)
PAUL
Much obliged for the ride ma'am. (To Kramer) Howdy partner.
KRAMER
Well. Howdy yourself.
PAUL
That's quite a rope you've got there.
KRAMER
Isn't she a beaut.
PAUL
You mind if I give her a little twirl. It's been a while.
KRAMER
No. Sure. Go ahead.
SCENE - CATCH-22
(George is arguing with a waiter)
WAITER
Excuse me sir, but we're going to have to ask you to change tables.
GEORGE
Why?
WAITER
Lorne Michaels just called. He's on his way and this is his favourite table.
GEORGE
So what?
WAITER
So I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to move.
GEORGE
I'm not moving.
WAITER
Sir.
GEORGE
Just because he's Lorne Michaels he gets to sit wherever he wants. Just because he's Lorne Michaels. I've got news for you. I hated Three Amigos.
SCENE - BACKSTAGE
(George's voice can be heard backstage)
PAUL
That voice. It sounds mighty familiar.
SCENE - DINING ROOM OF CATCH-22
(Elaine and Alan are watching the show. Elaine has a few empty cocktail glasses in front of her.)
ALAN
This is your friend, Jerry?
ELAINE
Yeah.
ALAN
He's terrible. Who wants to hear about the homeless? You know who's funny? James Carrville.
ELAINE
Well...
ALAN
I can't hear anything with that guy yelling.
ELAINE
Yeah. They only come out at night.
ALAN
I think we should go.
ELAINE
Really?
(Jerry's voice can be heard over the conversation)
JERRY
Don't you hate these people with personalized license plates? And just when did the number one become an L?
ALAN
Yeah. I think we should go.
ELAINE
Alright.
(Elaine gets up but is a little wobbly)
ALAN
Are you all right.
ELAINE
Yeah. I just haven't eaten anything all day. And I had that cocktail. I thought we were going to stay for dinner.
ALAN
It's okay. I'll drive.
SCENE - BACKSTAGE
PAUL
I know that voice. That's the fellow who gave me those directions.
(Paul parts the curtains and storms onto the stage, waving the lasso above his head. Jerry looks around, puzzled. Paul is about to throw the rope when a pedestrian comes storming in the front doors)
PEDESTRIAN
Everyone! Some really bad driver just ran over Lorne Michaels!
(Everyone streams out of the room. Only George is left in the audience. He starts to applaud, weakly. Kramer approaches Paul and places his hand on his shoulder.)
KRAMER
That was really good. Here's my card. Lets talk.
THE END