Last Lullaby
by Ryuuen
Warnings: Incest, dark/mature themes, SPOILERS for Hakkai's past.
A/N: Random Hakkai/Kanan angst. Told from (gasp!) Kanan's POV. This is my first finished Saiyuki fic!! dances Songfic, set to "My Last Breath" by Evanescence. The conversation between Hakkai and Kanan is taken from the manga, so... yeah. It's not necessarily anime-accurate (I've never seen that episode! flounder). Please read and review. C&Cs welcome.
LAST LULLABY
"Hold on to me, love; you know I can't stay long. All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid. Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?"
I remember. I remember being pulled from the house, told laughingly that I was saving another girl's life. It was a lie. It was a lie, wasn't it? They didn't take me for any noble reasons like that. They took me because they knew that there was only one person who would miss me, anyway. They took me because they didn't care what he felt about it. It was all about their survival, their loved ones, and to Hell with anyone else's. I guess I'm a little bitter... Gonou would be telling me to calm down now, if he were here. But I can't... it hurts too much to let go of the loss.
I remember screaming his name... "Gonou! Help! Gonou!"... but he didn't come. Some rational part of my mind told me that he had probably stayed late with his students, as he sometimes did, but the rest of my brain wasn't saying the same thing. Did he even care that they had taken me?! that part wanted to know. Did he even realize it yet?
But I kept calling for him until they tied a rag over my mouth, and told me that if I kept screaming they would cut out my tongue.
"I'll miss the winter, a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest, hiding in a hollow tree (come find me). I know you hear me. I can taste it in your tears..."
Things happened that I won't speak of here. I can't speak of here. Because if Gonou should ever find this... I doubt he will. But if he did, he would be devestated all over again. It would hurt him, and I couldn't bear that. I think everything that happened hurt him too much already. And how much I miss him now.. his gentleness, his kind soul. That man, I had fallen in love with despite any boundaries. But now it was all crumbling to pieces. Because I knew. I knew before Gonou even got there, the truth of what had happened to me. Of what was happening to me. And I knew that I couldn't live through it. No matter Gonou's kind words, his support, his love, I could never forget this. And I could never bear the child of that monster. I couldn't. I would sooner die than have the son of that monster within me!
I cried at first. I cried for him, sobbing, watching the wall through the bars of my cell with wavering eyes. I knew how this would hurt him. I hoped he didn't search for me, knowing then what I had to do. I didn't want him to lose me finally. Maybe it would be better if he thought me still alive somewhere. Maybe he would think I was happy there, though that seemed an impossible thought. But self-delusions are like that, and although he was better at straight-out illusions, I knew that he could lie to himself and tell himself that. I wanted him to. Because I didn't want him to be harmed.
Maybe it was a selfish thing to wish for. That he not look for me. Maybe I couldn't believe that he loved me as much as I loved him. Because he came anyway. Oh gods... he came anyway.
"Holding my last breath... safe inside myself are all my thoughts of you; Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight."
I heard him long before I saw him coming. I heard his footsteps and knew that they were his. Long ago, I had memorized the sounds of him as he walked around the small house we had together before he came to bed, making sure that all was well. He was meticulous, and he always said he was afraid that someone would break in and steal his most precious treasure... I asked what it was, and he said, "you, Kanan." I think my heart stopped, wanting to burst from all the love I felt for him then. But now... I felt a wariness. How had he found me, let alone gotten in here? But all my wondering ceased when I saw him. Coated with blood, not all of it his own. His right eye was bleeding. He seemed torn, but he smiled when he saw me.
"Kanan? Are you here?"
"G-Gonou..." I think I almost died, just saying his name. It hurt...
"Kanan!"
"Go...nou. Is that you...?" I didn't really want it to be, though.
"You're alive! You're really alive!" He sounded so happy to see me, almost to tears... it hurt so much!
"Your right eye... Why did you come here?" I wanted him to leave. This would hurt him too much. It was tearing me apart as it was...
But he looked at me, and I felt my heart beating more rapidly. I knew... he wouldn't leave without me, if I still lived. I had to...
"I'm so sorry, Kanan! For everything.. L-let's go home, okay? I promise I'll protect you."
"It's too late. All right?" He had to know.
"What?"
I reached out, my fingers clasping around the hilt of the blade he was wearing at his waist. I saw his eyes widen, looking at me with surprise and, perhaps even, hurt. Maybe deep down, he knew. And my heart hurt for him. Knowing how he would feel. Feeling what I knew he couldn't possibly realize.
"What are you--"
"I'm carrying his child. The spawn of that... beast is resting in my belly. That's why."
I raised the blade, even seeing his shock and pain written on his features - he always showed his emotions so clearly... - not enough to put me off from what I had to do. I couldn't bear this life. I couldn't bear this pain. And even if it hurt him... I didn't want for him to have to bear it, either. It would kill him. I knew it would. But it would kill me first. I hoped, in those fleeting last moments, that he knew that I loved him.
"Good-bye, Gonou."
"Closing your eyes to disappear, you pray your dreams will leave you here, but still you wake and know the truth: no one's there."
Pain. I knew it, felt it, it was my universe, but he was still there. Screaming my name, his green eyes fixed on me even as I fell to the ground, numb to the world. The pain lessening with every second, my vision unfocused and then growing dark. It happened quickly, but it felt like an eternity. Finally there was nothing but darkness, and I knew that it was done. It was over. There wasn't anything more but memories.
Do I regret what I did? ...that's a foolish question. I think I do. But sometimes I don't. I knew it would have ruined me to live like that, and in ruining me it would have ruined Gonou. But when I look down from the afterlife at him... Gonou, called Hakkai now... I wonder if that wouldn't have been better than the life he's living now. He hurts so much, though he hides it behind that empty smile, those cutely absent-minded acts. It is all because of me, isn't it? He feels so much pain... because of me.
I hope he can forgive me...
"If you'll forgive me, Kanan -- for just a little while... I would like to live for my own sake."
So live. I only want you to be happy, Gonou... Hakkai. I want you to be happy. Do you hear me? I don't want you to hurt anymore. So live like your own man. Stop remembering me. Stop wishing for me when I'm gone. Live for yourself.
Give yourself over to life at last. Stop living in the past, our broken paradise.
It's all over now.
"Say goodnight, don't be afraid. Calling me... Calling me as you fade to black..."
--owari--