Lister's 50 ways to die in space
Lister is sat at the Red Dwarf mainframe typing out the guide. The other members of the possy are standing and looking over his shoulder to see what he's typing.
Lister Hi guys. Here are some really B-ru-tal ways to die in space.
Rimmer Listy........ You better not have included me in any of these.
Lister I wouldn't dream of it.
Cat I would.
Rimmer Shut up........... Smeggers.
Kryten I hope there isn't any profanity.
Cat Don't count on it, buddy.
Kochanski I am. I hope there's lots of swearing.
Lister Well, what the lady wants, the lady gets.
Holly: Are we gonna read this or not???
1. Breath in space. Not the best thing to do if you like to keep your organs on the INSIDE of your body
Rimmer Yet something easily achieved by you Listy.
Lister I suggest you shut it and read more.
2. Get hit by a meteorite. A big rock thingy that makes your hard older brother look like your old granny
Rimmer A big rock thingy, is that the best you could do?
Lister I'm warning you RIMmer.
3. Smell a Gelf. A very disgusting creature. Smells like a used diaper left to fester over a thousand years
Rimmer Or alternatively we could smell you lister.
Cat Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Lister Shut it smeg for brains.
4. Land on a planet full of cloned Rimmers. Probably the most annoying death, EVER
Rimmer WHAT!!! Rubbish.
Lister Really? Then why did they capture you and hold you prisoner.
Rimmer Nit-picker.
5. Get bitten by a Motoside. Makes your skin crawl, literally, with larva. Then they bust out
Lister Now, that has to be annoying.
Cat Not as annoying as you and your guitar.
Rimmer That thing should have been destroyed ages ago. It's infuriating.
Lister It's not as annoying as when your nostrils flair.
Rimmer .........................
6. Eat a Follol. A flower known for it's beauty not it's taste. In fact it tastes so foul that when it touches your taste buds you'll die of shock
Rimmer I die of shock everytime I taste Kryten's cooking.
Kryten There's nothing wrong with my cooking.
Rimmer Then why when you cooked and I stress COOKED that lobster did it try to have one of my fingers off?
Kryten It wasn't my fault.
Rimmer YES IT BLOODY WAS!!!
Holly Your cooking is disgusting and I can't taste.
7. Live in a backwards universe. In a place where time goes backwards living out your last days as a sperm is perfectly normal, not in my bloody book!!!
Cat Nothing is normal in your book. I bet I'd be the best dressed sperm, ever.
Rimmer I second that.
Lister Shut up smeghead.
8. Swallow space dust. I don't know exactly how it works I only know that I prefer not to "Excrete Glass"
Kochanski Neither do I.
Rimmer You wouldn't know how it works, would you Listy???
Lister Do you?
Rimmer That's beside the point...........
9. Blink in unison. The Dangi space merchants find this very offensive and believe me, you'll be very lucky to see your next birthday
Rimmer Funnily enough I find it very hard not to blink in unison.
Lister You might as well be dead then.
Cat Woo! Hoo!
10. Be attacked by space pirates. These dudes are never happy, you won't just lose your cargo you'll also lose your brain, probably one of my least used organs but one I'd like to keep nevertheless
Rimmer No arguements here. Lister hasn't got a brain to lose.
Lister ...................
11. Be eaten by a Smarl. One of my least favourite deaths. This creature considers the soft, squichy bits in your trousers a delicacy
Rimmer Of course it would be intrested in THEIR soft, squichy bits because no one in the galaxy are interested in your's Lister my man.
Lister At least I can use my soft, squichy bits. Eh, light beam???
Rimmer I'm a hologram that's not my fault.
12. Play a game of checkers. In some cultures if you lose in this game you are considered inferior and should be delt with firmly. By having your lungs pulled through your arse with a big metal probe
Cat What are Checkers???
Rimmer I thought as much.
Holly Checkers are..............Uh............Erm..............
Rimmer IQ of 6,000 indeed.
13. Sniff the ladies bicycle seat in the gym. Punishable by death in all societies throughout the galaxy
Rimmer You'd know this from personal experience, Eh Listy?
Lister That was you, Acehole.
Rimmer No it wasn't it was...........OH! GOD! NO!
14. Go to the dentist. Many races mouths are located where our arse would be. B-ru-tal
Rimmer Yet Lister's brain is located in his pants. Why do you keep saying "Brutal"???
Lister Because it is.
Cat I don't need to see a doctor. My teeth are pure white.
Rimmer Dentist.
Cat Whatever, Chicken soup boy.
15. Speak French. Anyone who can or does speak this language should be dealt with imediately
Rimmer I can speak French.
Lister Exactly.
Rimmer ..............
16. Meet Arnold Judas Rimmer. Reason enough for any sane or insane person for that matter to commit suicide
Rimmer SMEG OFF!!! YOU PARASITIC INSECT! YOU ARSE! YOU GIMP!.
Lister Hehehehehehe!!!!!!
17. Drink Gelf moonshine. Strong enough to burn a layer of your tongue off, if you drink enough of this you will be very drunk....... and very dead
Kochanski I could take it.
Lister Sure.
Kochanski I could.
Rimmer After a single glass of wine you're as tipsy as a drowsy sloth.
Kochanski I AM NOT!!!
Holly Yes you are.
18. Catch sight of yourself in the mirror. Only fatal if you happen to be Cat. Food, drink and probably air become irrelevant as you try and smooth out your silk trousers
Cat You speak the truth, buddy. I'm so cool they named a drink after me.
19. Get a tan. A sure fire thing to get skin cancer when you're only a couple of hundred miles from a sun
Kryten I think that information is incorrect, sir. We would have melted by the time we were that close.
Lister Shut up Kryters.
20. Listen to Axen music. The Axens consider their music profound, the human race eg. ME, would consider it earsplitting to the point where your head explodes
Rimmer Sounds a bit like the way I feel about your version of music.
Lister It sound's great. I'm the axe master.
Rimmer It sounds terrible. It's worse than when Cat sings.
Cat Hey! I sing better that the whole lot of you put together.
21. Radiation. In space, radiation lies still and becomes stronger. Personally, I like my skin attached to the rest of my body
Rimmer I think women would disagree.
Cat I don't think I could pull off a suit with no skin.
Kochanski Shut up.
22. Arwen "Flat" tree. Think Giant paper cut. It bloody stings.......... but only for a second
Cat You're scared of anything, grease monkey.
Rimmer No, i'm not.
Cat You'd run from your own shadow.
Lister Smeggy would run from his own grandmother.
Rimmer Smeggers............
23. Catch space insanity. Sometimes caught on a long journey. The victim usually ends up kicking themselves in the gonads repeatedly before ejecting themselves into the coldness of space. Not that the cold is going to bother you
Holly I'm not insane. I'm computer senile.
Rimmer You're an idiot.
Holly I am not.
Rimmer What's the square route of 10,486???
Holly I don't know let me think about it.............. I don't know.
24. Facial hair. One particular race finds facial hair very attractive. The only problem is that this race is made from lava. Not much chance of getting to last base or even first base for that matter
Rimmer Not that you'd get to any base, Eh Listy?
Lister I'd have a better chance than you.
Holly Not against a Lava creature you wouldn't.
Lister I'd melt her heart.
Holly She'd melt yours............... and your skin and bones and everything else.
25. Laughing. Breathing in a gas called "Menite" causes histerical laughter, it just doesn't allow breathing and laughing at the same time
Cat I can.
Rimmer No you can't.
Cat Watch me. Cat begins to laugh and then falls unconcious
Rimmer I thought as much.
26. Shaking hands. A very stupid way to die when the creature that you're shaking hands with is made of electricity
Rimmer A mistake made by only the very stupid.
Kochanski Which would include you.
Rimmer No it wouldn't.
Holly You do have a very low IQ. Lower than mine in fact, which is pretty impressive by the way.
Rimmer Thanks... Hey!
27. Get a cyropracter. Have you ever wanted to kiss your own arse??? With a Zeno back massage you can
Lister Rimmer just kisses others asses.
Rimmer I don't kiss ass.
Lister Yes you do, you boot licker.
28. Steal fruit. To the Yamats this is a serious crime. For this you are hanged, the only probem being that their gonads and their head are swapped around in comparison with ours. B-RU-TAL!!!
Rimmer The only other problem being they'd have to look for hours to find Dog food face's "Head".
Cat They'd have to use a microscope.
Holly No, they wouldn't.
Lister Thank you, Holly.
Holly There's nothing to find.
Lister I'm taking you off my christmas card list.
29. Play Galaxy paintball. A cool game but the paint is substituted with heat lasers. I think I'll stick with Zero-G Kick Boxing
Kochanski Not that you're any good at it.
Kryten Mr. Lister is quite poor.
Cat Poor he kicks like a little girl...... with no legs, or eyes.
Lister I'm great at Zero-G.
Rimmer No you're not, you're always distracted by the ball girl.
30. Have sex with a Gelf. Horrific, emotionally scarring trauma. Comes a close second to knowing Rimmer
Cat Hahahaha!!! You hear that, Grease monkey?
Rimmer At least i have standards. You'd have sex with anything that breathes.
Cat And?
Rimmer Ummm..............
31. Get a Traux for a pet. A very stupid creature that bites the hand that feeds it, Or any other part it can get it's teeth around, which are very large by the way
Cat What are very large?
Lister It's teeth.
Cat I bet they're not as shiny white as mine.
Lister Nope.
Cat I thought so. Cat looks at himself in the mirror Hey! Good looking.
32. Eat at a galactic fast food joint. The food is so fast it eats you before you can eat it
Rimmer Lister's so slow.
Lister No i'm not.
Holly What's the square route of Birmingham.
Lister Easy, one third.
Rimmer Idiots.
33. Attack a Rigolla. Distantly related to the Gorilla, placid but when angered likes to wear your intestines as a bow tie
Cat I bet he'd look pretty bad though, me on the other hand.
Rimmer Did you just make that animal up?
Lister .............. No.
Rimmer You did didn't you. You are such a useless smegger Lister.
34. Have a conversation with a space ferret. There is no such animal. If you do begin talking to this imaginary creature you should kill yourself immediately before you begin to imagine actual friends
Cat Yes there is.
Rimmer Yes there is, what?
Cat Space ferrets.
Lister No there isn't.
Rimmer Maybe we should follow that guide's advice and get rid of you-know-who.
Lister I agree, before RIMmer starts imagening we're his friends.
Rimmer I was talking about.............. Gimp.
35. Fart in public. Considered a greeting by a lot of races. A lot of races fart Liquid Nitrogen
Rimmer Listy's constantly saying hello to me.
Lister And i'm constantly telling you to smeg off.
Rimmer And I always go with my conscience and ignore you.
Lister You don't have a conscience.
Rimmer It doesn't mean that i can't listen to it.
Cat I'm always listening to the voices in my head. "EAT! SLEEP! LOOK IN THE MIRROR FOR HOURS!"
Holly I'm always listening to the voice in my head.
Rimmer That might be because you're a floating head.
Holly Oh yeah! Hehehehehehe.
36. Be Invited to dinner. Make the mistake of misreading the dinner invitation. You are cordially invited to be dinner. BIG MISTAKE!!!
Cat Any race would be privaliged to eat me.
All .............................
37. Zenith's Disease. A particularly nasty disease that wipes every ounce of knowledge from your mind and body, including the ability to remember how to breath or remembering that not breathing is fatal
Rimmer Lister was born with that.
Lister Then why haven't I stopped breathing?
Rimmer Aliens, aliens are keeping you alive.
Liste It's always aliens with you Rimmer, anything you can't explain and it's onto your alien theory.
38. Smell the Faux flower. Sneeze until you sneeze out all of your brains. Sorry, allergy tablets won't fix it
Rimmer At least Lister and Cat don't have to worry.
Cat What?
Lister He's taking the smeg.
Rimmer Caught on that fast, did you? Impressive.
39. Death by Toilet. Most definately one of the stupidest ways to die. This happens when you accidentally press the "EJECT WASTE" button while you are still sat on the bog
Lister Why do women spend hours in the bog?
Kochanski We need the time to make ourselves look good.
Cat What the hell do you look like before???
Kochanski Not too bad after a beauty sleep.
Cat I just don't........ I can't............ Begin to........... Believe how bad you'd look.
Kochanski Hey!!!
40.
Rimmer's Music. To listen to the entire collection of Hammond organ
music is reason enough to commit suicide ten-fold, in fact some
evolving races have been introduced to this music and the entire
population of the planet have mercy killed each other within 10
minutes
Rimmer That only happenned once.
Lister I think killing an entire planet ONCE was one too many RIMmer.
41. Be stranded on a planet that are actually inhabited by Pokemon. No need to explain, death would be a blessing on a planet such as this
Rimmer What the hell are Pokemon?
Lister They're these things that come out of Pokeballs and fight each other so they can get badges.
All O..........K...........
42. Encounter a Klaxon. A very stupid predator race. When intelligent prey realise they are being watched by this hunter and ask if anyone is there this race always answer "NO". Despite their stupidity they are succesful
Rimmer There's only one other predator race that can match it's stupidity. Talking about Cats
Cat What?
Rimmer They lick their own crotches.
Cat Dogs?
Rimmer They have six nipples.
Cat Ummmmm..........
Rimmer They drink milk.
Cat Oh! I get it.........HEY!!!
43. Land on an ice planet. The first thing you wish you brought when you crash land on an ice planet is a hot water bottle, only when the ice is several thousand degrees below does it occur to you that it's slightly pointless
Rimmer If you were smart you wouldn't wish for a hot water bottle, you'd wish for a Teleportation Device.
Holly No, if you were smart you wouldn't land there in the first place.
44. Work for a delivery agency. The worst job in galactic history. Trounce around the galaxy for a few dollar-pounds with a very low success rate. Actually the sucess rate is: 0.000000000000158
Rimmer How long did it take you to work that out, Lister?
Kryten 0.00000000003124 of a second.
Lister Shush!!!
Rimmer I'm dissapointed, getting someone else to do your work for you.
Lister I asked Holly but he told me the answer was 17 and a 1/2 elephants.
45. Be a miner. Mining is very well paid. You get loads of bonuses. The only one you don't get is a health plan, this might have something to do with the fact that the average miner lives for about 18 seconds
Rimmer I'd prefer to live for more than 18 seconds.
Cat I wouldn't.
Rimmer What! Why?
Cat No need to waste my energy breathing.
Holly Or living, don't forget that.
Rimmer I'm surrounded by gimps and morons.
46. Sit on your arse and do nothing. A guaranteed plan to not get killed. Except the Matbugger hunts by the lack of movement. If you're gonna do nothing at least shuffle in your seat if you don't want to be digested alive
Cat Do nothing! I can do that! Wait........ Can I? I'm confused now.
47. Ignore people. This would be great but for the fact you'd be dead within the hour. A complete lack of manners can be helpful sometimes though............... Like when talking to Smeghead
Rimmer I'm not a Smeghead.
Lister What about a Gimp, Moron, Loser, Smeg-for-brains, Coward and complete and utter Goit.
Rimmer NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
48. Engage in combat. With a Duntod. These guys are great for a laugh, if you consider having your voice box removed and used as a flute as funny
Cat Was that a joke?
Lister No, go back to sleep.
Cat Okay.
49. Drink a can of Magic Popsi. This tasty pop drink is called "MAGIC" because when you drink it your Gonads dissapear like magic along with several other "VITAL" organs
Lister Or in Rimmer's case they might make something magically appear.
Rimmer Shut it, Smegger.
50. Try some of the things mentioned in this guide. A very, very bad idea made by very, very stupid people
Rimmer Only the mentally confused would try anything in this guide.
Lister My point exactly.
Lister saves his work and closes the file. And turns to everyone to ask what they thought.
Lister Well???
Cat Well what?
Rimmer It was a load of utter rubbish.
Kochanski It was okay.
Kryten It was marvellous!!!
Holly I wouldn't go that far but it lasted longer than counting my IQ.
Kryten Obviously a plus.
Lister Good, i'm glad you all liked it.
Rimmer I didn't like it.
Lister Your opinion doesn't count, Acehole.
Lister turns off the computer gets up from the chair and leaves the room in close pursuit is Rimmer swearing as quickly and as loudly as possible.Trailing behind is Kryten and Kochanski. Cat is asleep on the floor. Holly is left in the room, he has a devious look on his face.
Holly That was good, pure genius. Holly moves the mouse over the file and clicks delete
Holly Whoops!!!