Yuffie and Vincent – Conde Petie

(Vincent is standing just outside Conde Petie, holding a red rose. Yuffie comes skipping up.)

Yuffie: Vincent! YOU'RE my date?!

Vincent: (Shocked) So it would seem. We have a meal waiting inside.

Yuffie: Cool... the food I mean. I would SO never go out with you, you being a vampire and all. I guess the Dating Agency messed up. Hey, we're getting a free meal out of it at least.

Vincent: I'm not a vampire.

Yuffie: Whatever. Hey look, at that guy! He's like a garden gnome!

Dwarf: Rally ho! Would ye be the party from the dating agency? We've been told tae give ye a grand meal!

Yuffie: Sounds great! Let's go!

(They try to enter but the dwarf blocks the way.)

Dwarf: Ye must sae the greeting!

Yuffie: What greeting, funny goblin man?

Dwarf: I be a dwarf. And ye must sae Rally Ho!

Yuffie: Oh! OK, then. Rally Ho!

Vincent: I'm not saying that. I still have my dignity.

Yuffie: Oh come on. I'm starving! Just say it and let's go in!

Vincent: No.

Yuffie: Please?

Vincent: No.

Yuffie: Please

Vincent: No.

Yuffie: You're so dumb, Vincent!

Vincent: No, I'm proud. There's a difference you know.

Yuffie: Just say the damn greeting!

Vincent: Not a chance in hell.

Yuffie: Aw, come on!

Vincent: No.

Yuffie: Stupid vampire.

Vincent: I'm not a vampire!

Yuffie: Whatever – I'm hungry, dude! You can stay out here and be all mysterious if you want. I'm getting me some food.

(She goes in and Vincent glares at the dwarf.)

Dwarf: Tae be sure, you're a surly one! Sure ye don't want to come in?

Vincent: I'm not saying that greeting.

Dwarf: Fair enough. So where be ye from?

Vincent: The final fantasy 7 world.

Dwarf: Oh, that's lovely. I've lived in Conde Petie me whole life, and I love it here. I've got three daughters, lovely girls they be.

Vincent: ...

(Yuffie is eating platefuls of food inside the village. One of the mother dwarfs approaches her.)

Dwarf: What's a lovely lassie like ye doing alone?

Yuffie: My date wouldn't say the greeting.

Dwarf: Oh, ye poor dear. Don't worry, plenty of oglops on the farm.

Yuffie: What's an Oglop?

Dwarf: My son William is looking for a bride as it happens. He's a good lad and he'd like a pretty girl like ye.

Yuffie: What? I don't wanna get married! I'm only 16!

Dwarf: Oh, don't worry. Ye'll like William. I'll talk to the priest and get ye set up fer a marriage...

Yuffie: ARGH!!

(She runs out, carrying armfuls of food. She reaches the door and finds Vincent in a complete state of boredom and despair.)

Vincent: What's wrong?

Yuffie: We're leaving!

Vincent: Oh thank god and all his angels!

(They run away.)

Garnet and Cid – Alexandria Castle

(Cid knocks on the door to the castle looking more than a little terrified)

Butler: (opens door looking disgusted) We have a soup kitchen down the street if you are in need of nourishment...

Cid: (less terrified now) Why you miserable, judgemental %$&! I'm no beggar! I'm here to &%£$ing have dinner with your Queen!!!

Butler: gasps (bows deeply) My sincerest apologies, Mr...ah...Highwind was it? I beg your forgiveness...

Cid: (mutters as he strides in, all fear gone...until he sees Garnet)

Garnet: (Strolling into view in a huge, elaborate and needlessly expensive dress) You know...uh...Butler, I really am getting used to this life. I'll need a new dress hand stitched for tomorrow naturally.

Butler: Yes, majesty. Your...date has arrived, ma'am.

Cid: I...uh...Cid Highwind...

Garnet: Oh good evening Mr Highwind! The agency said you were coming. The dinner is almost prepared, please follow me.

(After walking so far through the immense castle that they cross an international time zone, they arrive at the immense dining room)

Garnet: Brilliant really that by the time we get here the dinner is already set and we can dig in!

Cid: Uh, what happened to your voice, Miss Garnet?

Garnet: Oh please don't call me that! Call me Dagger! And I only talk with that drivvly accent to impress the butler! He freaks me out.

Cid: Well %&$ me! That's a relief! (and is 'drivvly' even a word??) Ah! What are you doing!?

Dagger: What does it look like? I'm taking off this stupidly oversized dress! Don't worry I'm not a stripper!

Cid: (trying not to sound too disappointed) oh...

Dagger: (Wearing her normal orange number) Well let's eat before the food gets cold and we have to fly in new stuff from Treno!

Cid: woah...I confess, Miss...uh...Dagger, I'm not used to such (%(%king finery as this. Shera can't cook!

Dagger: I would ask who Shera was, but I don't care seeing as I'm only seeing you to annoy Zidane and even if I did like you, I could have this Shera killed in an instant. I'm a %&&king Queen you know. I can do that.

Cid: (widens eyes) You %&&king $&$%&&%!!!!! I'm just some tool to get back at some %&!? You sit me down here and give me free food and for what!? Wait...free food...no obligations...what the %& am I saying!? Good luck to Zidane I say! Let's eat! (Starts eating)

Dagger: (whispering to herself and looking at her watch) And that's exactly five mintues...now.

Cid: (mouth full) What was that?

Dagger: Oh I made a deal with the Butler that if I kept guests happy for five minutes whilst being queen-like he'll never force me to see them again. Now excuse me while I get back into this house of a dress! (dresses once more)

Cid: So...no more free food? %&$&$ that! (starts cramming his pockets with food...and silverware)

Dagger: Butler! Please come hither.

Butler: Yes M'lady, everything is in order?

Dagger: I am afraid not. This man's eating habits offend me. Please take him away.

Cid: (getting angry) Y'know, Dagger, if this guy bosses you around, then fire his %&%$&king ass! You're the God damned Queen! (stomps out and away)

Dagger: (Thinks for a moment) GET OUT OF MY HIDIOUSLY OVERSIZED CASTLE YOU CONTROL FREAK! I CAN SERVE MY OWN CAVIAR FROM NOW ON! Actually I don't even Like caviar so &$&%& you! (Turns in disgust back to her now silverware- less meal)

Butler: Damn...ok I'll go...you big meanie...(Hangs head and leaves)