Cid and Steiner – The Midgar Slums
(Cid is waiting outside the Inn, looking uncomfortable.)
Cid: I'm gonna kill those jerks at the Agency....
(Steiner enters.)
Steiner: Good sir, might you direct me to the whereabouts of Cid Highwind?
Cid: I'm Cid Highwind!
Steiner: (understandably shocked) What?! But I was expecting a woman!
Cid: You and me both! You're saying you're my date for the evening?
Steiner: Apparently so... there must have been a mix up at the agency.
Cid: Mix up my ass! Aw, what the hell. Might as well enjoy the evening.
Steiner: You have the details of our entertainment?
Cid: yeah (lights a cigarette and looks Steiner up and down) don't think you're gonna like it, tin man.
Steiner: (huffily) Sir! I assure you, I am most open to trying new things!
Cid: We'll see. Follow me.
(Cid leads Steiner to the Honey Bee Inn.)
Steiner: What manner of place is this?
Cid: It's a damn brothel! What the hell did ya think it was?
Steiner: (Aghast) But... but...
Cid: (To the lady at the door) we're here for the spa and massage deal.
Bee-Girl: Are you the pair from the agency? Follow me, sirs!
(Steiner tries to follow but has his hands clapped over his eyes.)
Steiner: Mr Highwind, I'm very uncomfortable with this situation!
Cid: Nothin' I can do about that.
(He has undressed and is sitting in the Jacuzzi.)
Steiner: I think I should leave.
Cid: Can't. You don't get out until you've had what you paid for.
Steiner: Oh my...
(Two girls come in)
Girl#1: Sir, if you'd like to take off your armour, we can start the massages.
Steiner: I don't think...
Cid: For chrissake, take off the damn armour!
(An hour later. Cid and Steiner are in the Jacuzzi with beers, the girls rubbing their necks and shoulders. Both have consumed a lot of alcohol.)
Cid: So I says, I says, listen man... you either gimme my pie or... or you get a punch in da... da thingy...
Steiner: (Giggling like a little girl)
Cid: Are you... you drunk?
Steiner: Pfft. No.... I is just... just a diddy teeny bit... drunk.
(We see the pair being thrown out of the Honey Bee Inn)
Cid: I don't need yer stinkin' beer!
Steiner: Me neither!
Cid: Yeah... c'mon, Steiny... let's go find more beer...
Steiner: Yeah! More beer... beer is good...
(It is 3 am. The pair are now wandering around in each other's clothes and wearing bunny ears. They stop.)
Steiner: ...Where does I live?
Cid: Dunno... who is ya?
Steiner: ...dunno.
(They both collapse and start snoring.)
Freya and Vincent – Orphanage
Vincent: (arriving early) Let's see...this is a dank, dismal, deserted place with no appliances of any kind and very little in the way of furniture...this is my kind of place! (Hides in a box and falls asleep)
Freya: Hmmm...it seems my date has not arrived yet. Well, I will just sit on this conveniently placed box and wait for him.
(15 minutes stroll by)
Vincent: Man, I'm getting hungry. Isn't she here yet? I would have heard her come in. I haven't fallen asleep or anything...Hey what's that grey, carrot-shaped thing poking through a hole in my box? I think I'm going to assume it's a carrot and bite it without even grabbing it first!
Freya: This is ridiculous. I should go...what's that muffled voice? AAAAGH! My tail! (Strokes tail now with bite marks, then drags out Vincent who's half asleep again)
Vincent: Oh there you are! You're late you know! Nearly fell asleep with the waiting and everything!
Freya: I have been here for twenty minutes at least. You just fell asleep in the conveniently placed box!
Vincent: Well, sorry about that. I'm Vincent. Pleasure.
Freya: Well, it was no ones fault I suppose. I am Freya.
Vincent: Hey, you're not human are you?
Freya: (slightly annoyed) Is that a problem?
Vincent: Of course not! I'm not human either! (turns into Chaos)
Freya: Well, that's different. And very...handsome in a monstrous way...
Chaos: Grr! (bites off the tip of Freya's tail, then reverts back to Vincent)
Freya: AAAGH AGAIN! Look what you've done! I can easily take the unbearable pain, but look at my once beautiful-now disfigured tail! (Slaps Vincent)
Vincent: It wasn't me! It was the monster in my brain! Honest!
Freya: Hmph! Whatever. Once I've stifled this excessive bleeding, we can eat. I suppose...
(several swear words and a bandage later...)
Freya: Eating dinner on the beach was a great idea. I'm glad I came up with it.
Vincent: You know, I'm really not a great fan of...wide-open spaces...Can I bring my box?
Freya: Very well. You don't seem to be a great conversationalist anyway, and if that-that beast comes out again it will be trapped.
Vincent: Yay! (runs to get his box and returns shortly)
Freya: This is delicious food. I'm glad I brought it. I must say, Vincent, that this date is going considerably better than my last. At least you talk in a dialect I can understand!
Vincent: (snores)
Freya: (angry) WAKE UP!
Vincent: I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!
Freya: ...I...didn't say you were...
Vincent: I fear I must go. I need to sleep at least a century a night or I get cranky.
(Vincent leaves covering his head with the box...and snoring)
Freya: (thoroughly confused) ...Much better than my previous date...(continues eating)