Author's Note: Hey all. Ugh, Friday night was Senior Grad night, an all night venture that still has me sort of slumping around tiredly. But hey, I got hypnotized by a professional hypnotist. It was very weird and very cool. Of course, I did dance the YMCA in front of about half of my senior class and try to stomp imaginary leaches on the ground…oops? Lol, and my friend, who was also hypnotized, tried to wrestle my shoe off my foot and dragged me half across the stage before getting it off and having me latch onto his leg trying to get it back, all of this happening in a strange daze. IMPORTANT: Okay, so I'm off to London for two weeks (woot woot!) and though I'm very excited and will hopefully be able to plug more British-isms into my work, I'll have no computer access, or at least none where I can update. And then, when I get back, I have to polish up and finish the next chapter, so it'll be a little over two weeks before my next update. Do not panic. Just give me lots of reviews and I'll give you a really cool chapter when I get back, and maybe I'll make it extra long if you guys entice me with reviews! Lol. I can't wait to go to King's Cross and try to walk through the barrier! Then (making sure impressionable little kids are around) exclaim to my friend, "Oh no, Dobby must've closed the barrier again. Let's go see if the Weasleys can give us a lift in their flying car." Alright, alright, enough of my blabbing. Here's the fic:
Only a few hours after the two boys had gone to sleep, Draco was abruptly pulled from unconsciousness by a loud commotion. For a moment, he was extremely confused and became panicked, wondering momentarily if Death Eaters were there. He looked around, finally recognizing his surroundings along with the dark-haired boy in the other bed. Harry was thrashing around wildly with his eyes shut tight, screaming and pleading with an invisible attacker.
Draco leapt out of bed and raced over, shouting Harry's name. He grasped the boy's shoulders and shook him slightly, but this only caused him to become even more panicked.
"Noooo!! Stop it! Uncle Vernon! Please no!! Sirius, 'm sorry!!!" he shrieked trying to push Draco off of him.
"Harry, wake up!" Draco screamed frantically.
He was suddenly met with wide green eyes as Harry sat up abruptly, nearly smacking heads with Draco. He was hyperventilating, his face covered with beads of cold sweat. He was shaking uncontrollably as his eyes darted around the room as if someone was hiding in the darkness waiting to attack.
"Harry, breathe. Breathe," Draco instructed worriedly, but Harry was too panicked to listen.
At that moment, Snape arrived in the doorway, looking slightly out of breath. Harry jumped when he saw the Potion master's silhouette. Not being able to see clearly who it was without his glasses, he only knew there was a grown man entering the room, causing him to become even more alarmed.
"No no no no," he muttered frantically. Snape took a few steps toward Harry, but the Gryffindor quickly backed up until he hit the headrest. "Please, no more," he pleaded, shaking his head. Snape froze in his tracks.
"Harry, it was just a dream. You're safe," Draco said desperately.
"I-I was there! I was back there! Oh God and Sirius…" Harry cried wildly, his breathing becoming increasingly erratic.
"Calm down. You're not there; you're safe. No one's going to hurt you here," Draco threw out blindly, not sure if he was saying the right things. He had never comforted anyone before.
A wave of relief spread over him as Harry closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Though his breathing was no longer irregular, Harry continued to shake like a leaf.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up," he said numbly.
"Don't be stupid and don't be sorry. That doesn't matter," Draco said quickly.
Harry looked away shamefully.
Snape risked walking up to the bed now. "Harry? Why don't you come down for a cup of tea?" he tried cautiously.
Harry nodded, eyes averted as usual.
Draco insisted on helping Harry out of bed, wanting to help his friend in any way possible.
"Er…Harry, I think you might need to change those bandages on your back," Draco said with a meaningful look at his godfather.
Apparently some cuts had re-opened, since there was a bit of blood seeping through the nightshirt Harry was wearing. Snape gave him a quick nod as Harry murmured, "okay."
Snape led Harry out of the room after the boys said goodnight to each other.
Harry was shaking so hard he could barely walk straight, but tensed up when Snape tried to steady him. The head of Slytherin offered to carry him down the stairs, but Harry looked so uncomfortable with the idea that Snape decided not to push it and instead stayed patiently at Harry's side as he shakily made his way down the staircase, holding tightly onto the rail.
Snape led Harry back to his lab and told him to sit on the couch, which was now clean of any blood, while he hurried off to get fresh bandages.
Harry sat wordlessly staring into space as Snape changed his bandages. The Potions master cleaned off the Slytherin pajama shirt with a quick spell and helped Harry back into it.
Suddenly, Harry leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Snape's torso and laid his head on the man's chest in a desperate hug, reminding Snape of the time he had hugged Harry in the Hospital Wing. Harry clung to him shakily, praying to just be held and comforted. He needed to know someone cared.
Yet, especially after all the recent tension between them, Snape was too shocked to hug the boy back, or comfort him in any way. He just stood there rigidly, staring down in shock at the head of raven-colored hair that was leaning against his chest.
Harry quickly came to his senses, remembering that Snape was not a father-type figure, but that the Potion's master hated him and was probably disgusted by the boy he despised hugging him. Harry jerked away and wrapped his arms loosely around himself, looking down at the ground in mortification.
"Sorry. I'm sorry," he said in distress. "I just…I need to leave," he said quickly, standing up and backing away.
"Harry, no wait, stop," Snape said, mentally kicking himself.
"You don't even want me around," Harry moaned in emotional agony. "You said I was an inconvenience. Why did you tell Sirius I could…never mind. I just need to leave."
"Harry, stop," Snape commanded, reaching out to grab a hold of Harry's arm, but he yanked it away.
"Leave me alone!" he snapped tearfully before running from the room.
"Shit," Snape cursed before running after him casting silencing charms as he went to prevent Draco from getting worried and coming down.
Harry ran as quickly as he could to the living room and grabbed the vase of Floo powder off the mantle. He reached his hand in to grab some, but felt someone put a hand on his shoulder and jerked violently. The vase slipped out of his grip and crashed to the ground, shattering as it hit the marble surrounding the fireplace.
Harry immediately dropped to his knees and began picking up the shards of glass, apologizing repeatedly. He didn't even notice as the pieces sliced up his hands, but Snape did.
"Harry. Harry, stop this. Forget the vase. Harry!" Snape yelled, grabbing the boy's wrists. Harry cried out in pain, but did drop the shards of glass he had collected.
Snape pulled Harry to his chest and wrapped his arms around the shaking boy.
"No," Harry cried, struggling against Snape. "Let go of me. Leave me alone!"
"Harry, calm down," Snape said evenly.
"You're just like everyone else! You don't give a shit until something bad happens and then you pretend to care just 'cause you feel sorry for me!" he yelled, trying desperately not to break down. "I don't need your pity," he spat.
"I don't pity you, Harry," he said, trying to hold Harry as he struggled against him.
"You don't even want me here! You just think I'm annoying! You never even gave me a chance!"
"Harry, please, calm down and we'll talk about this, but you're going to hurt yourself if you keep thrashing around."
"I. Don't. Care!" he gasped as he struggled weakly against Snape. "It doesn't matter! I don't matter. Not to anyone! Why did you have to bring me back? I just ruin things! Everybody hates me! You should have just let me die!"
Snape froze in shock, allowing Harry to finally break free, a little more easily than the Gryffindor had expected, causing him to fall back and hit his shoulder on the side of the fireplace.
Harry brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, even though it was painful to do so. He closed his eyes and imagined his mother being there and hugging him and telling him that she loved him and cared about him. She seemed like the only person who would ever do something like that. It made him never want to open his eyes again. Opening eyes would make him remember that there was nobody there that cared about him, that his mother was never going to be there, that she never had been in the first place.
Harry couldn't help it. He buried his face in his arms and broke down. He desperately tried to stop himself, not wanting Snape to see him this way. He held his breath and choked back his tears. A pain spread from his chest to his fingertips as he forced himself to stop crying, making him clench his fists to try to ease the sensation. His head throbbed dully as the tears stopped flowing. He wiped his cheeks on his sleeves and lifted his head now that he had composed himself.
"You don't mean that," Snape said quietly.
Harry didn't trust himself to speak. His throat constricted tightly and he felt prickling at the corners of his eyes but pushed it away.
"Don't hide your emotions. You're going to end up like me," Snape said regretfully. With much effort, he forced himself to say what he needed to say. "I don't think you're an annoyance, Harry. I enjoy it when you're over. And I do care. I wouldn't have worked so hard to bring you back if I didn't care. No matter what I tell anyone else, it wasn't for the research."
Harry continued to stare blankly into space.
"The other day, when I was being a bastard, it wasn't because of you. I somehow got caught up in my memories of your father and took out my anger on you. You didn't deserve that and I should have apologized, but apologies aren't something I do well with. Once again, that's my problem, not yours. I wish I could take back what I said, but I can't."
He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair.
"Merlin, I'm horrible at this," he muttered. "You didn't mean what you said about letting you die, right?"
But Harry wasn't sure of the answer to that question, and that fact scared him.
"I don't know," he whispered. He was so confused.
Snape closed his eyes. He had no idea what to do.
"Harry, why don't you tell me what happened," Snape suggested cautiously.
"You already know what happened," Harry said quietly.
"I know generally what happened, but I want you to hear it from you."
"Why?" Harry whispered.
"Because…because that's just what you do, isn't it?" Snape said, thinking hard.
He had never comforted anyone but Draco, but the blonde was slightly easier since he trusted Snape more and had more practice telling the Potions master what was wrong. He had become more tightlipped than he had been as a younger boy, when, with each visit, Draco would lay his head on his godfather's lap and complain how his father had yelled at him or how his mother was ignoring him. Snape hadn't known what to say back then, and had somehow gotten worse over the years. After Lucius had disowned Draco, Snape couldn't get him to talk, but every night, the young Slytherin would wordlessly lie down on the couch next to his godfather and lay his head on his lap, as he had when he was little, so Snape felt as he was at least doing something for Draco.
But at least he felt more comfortable in comforting his own godson. Harry was a different story and Snape was at a loss.
"I don't want to talk about it right now," Harry said tiredly.
"It'll help," Snape tried.
Harry looked down and shook his head. Snape sighed.
"All right, but you'll have to talk with me…or Black… about it soon," he compromised. Harry nodded, knowing very well that neither of them would ever willingly bring up the conversation and that the talk would never happen.
Snape stood and walked over to Harry, who flinched as Snape offered him a hand to help him up.
"Be careful not to step on the glass," Snape cautioned as he led Harry away from the fireplace.
"I'm sorry about the vase," Harry apologized softly.
"Don't worry about it. I have plenty of vases," Snape said dismissively.
They walked back in silence to Snape's lab, where Snape had to, once again, change Harry's bandages on his torso. Exhaustion was quickly taking over Harry and his eyes kept slipping closed.
"All right, I want to check your head wound."
"Mm," Harry responded, half asleep.
"Just lie down," Snape said, taking in the fact that Harry was quickly falling asleep. "Lay your head on my lap so I can check your injury," he instructed.
Harry hesitated momentarily, but was too tired to do anything but follow orders.
Snape gently cleaned Harry's head wound, and then cast a cooling charm on a rag before laying it on the wound for a few minutes to bring down the swelling.
"Done," he announced, but Harry didn't move. Snape looked down and realized the boy had fallen asleep, just as Draco had done nightly only a few weeks before.
He slowly eased out from under the boy and stood up. He went to put a pillow under Harry's head instead, but found that at the loss of human contact, Harry had curled up and his face had screwed up in misery as nightmares began to creep in.
Snape hesitated indecisively, but then quickly grabbed a book. He lifted Harry's head slightly and slid back onto the couch, resting the boy's head softly back onto his lap.
The effect was almost instantaneous. Harry's body relaxed and his face grew less tense. Snape sighed, realizing that Harry probably had never had much in the way of comfort from others and was just soaking up any human contact that didn't involve fists.
Snape conjured up a blanket and draped it over the young Gryffindor. He briefly entertained himself by picturing what Harry's godfather's reaction would be to find them like this. He almost hoped the ex-convict would see Harry lying on his lap, in part because it would almost feel like he'd won something against his old school rival, but in greater part because he hoped it would be a wake up call to him. Draco had told him that Harry had mentioned that his godfather never talked to him about serious things, and though Harry had apparently said it was a relief to not have to deal with the awkward conversations, Snape was better than most at sensing people's emotions, including Harry's. He wondered if Black was blind to be missing how much Harry needed the serious talks. Snape knew they weren't fun, and were very awkward to bring up, but he had done them with Draco and continued to force the two of them to talk about the things bothering Draco every once and awhile. They were supposed to be taking the places of parents in the teenage boys' lives, and the Animagus seemed to be missing that fact, wanting to be more of the "fun uncle" sort than a parent. Things were going to have to change, or Snape wasn't sure that Harry would be able to handle it.
.
The next morning, Harry woke up and found himself staring at the door that led into the working station of Snape's lab. He knew he must have fallen asleep in Snape's office to the lab, but couldn't remember why for a few moments.
Suddenly, the memories from the previous night rushed through his mind and it felt as if someone had just poured a bucket of ice water over him. He remembered his uncle's attack, the horrified look on everyone's face, his breakdown in Snape's living room after he had tried to hug the Potions master in a desperate attempt for fatherly comfort. Harry winced with embarrassment, especially at that last memory.
Suddenly, he realized his pillow was somebody's lap. He bolted up into a sitting position and gasped at the pain caused by the sudden movement.
"You are far from being fully healed, Harry," Snape said, setting his book down. "You don't want to make sudden movements like that."
"Did you stay up the whole night?" Harry asked incredulously.
"Yes. I was concerned about you," Snape said simply. Harry knew he only said it because of his small breakdown the night before.
"I didn't mean to fall asleep on you," he said apologetically, not meeting the man's eyes. "You didn't have to stay up with me."
"Harry," Snape said sternly, getting to his feet, "it's okay. I don't need as much sleep as most. Now let's get you dressed and change your bandages. You can borrow some of Draco's clothes and we'll have breakfast."
"Did Sirius ever come back?" Harry asked as Snape helped him to his feet.
"Not yet," Snape said sympathetically. He had been wondering himself what on earth was taking Harry's godfather so long.
Snape quickly changed Harry's bandages, noticing that the Gryffindor refused to meet his eye the entire time.
Snape made sure that Harry got up to Draco's room, and that the blonde was awake, before going down to see about breakfast.
Draco rummaged around through his closet, selecting their outfits for the day, as Harry sat in his desk chair.
"How are you feeling?" Draco asked hesitantly.
"Fine," Harry said with a nod, though he didn't meet Draco's eye.
"You want to wear my Slytherin robes?" Draco joked nervously.
Harry smiled with great effort. "Yeah. I'll tell Sirius that he left me with you guys too long and you converted me."
"Where is he, by the way?" the blonde asked.
Harry shrugged. "Maybe he went home to catch some sleep before picking me up."
"I bet he's still filling out forms or something. The Ministry really needs to do something about that kind of stuff. When Sev was officially adopting me, we were there for hours filling out forms and trying to get somebody's attention," Draco rambled, something he didn't usually do.
"Maybe," Harry said tiredly, looking out the window.
Draco handed him some clothes and Harry took them with a weak smile.
"Do you need help with…" he started awkwardly, but Harry cut him off.
"No," he said firmly.
"I could call a house elf. They used to help me dress all the time," Draco tried. "They sometimes still do when I'm feeling especially tired."
"No, I can dress myself," Harry insisted. "Do you have a bathroom or something to change in?"
"Yeah, right through that door," Draco said pointing to a door near the one that led to the hall. Harry thanked him and went in to change and closed the door behind him, using the opportunity to get a good look at himself in the mirror.
He looked a mess. An absolute train wreck. The bruises that couldn't be healed the night before now showed up in hues of dark blues and blacks. The bandage covering the cut on his head was surrounded by darker color, not being large enough to hide the whole bruise. There was another nasty one on his cheek and his neck, and a couple on his shoulders. His arms were just littered with them and he was thankful that Draco had picked out a long-sleeved shirt for him. He was suddenly glad that the bandages around his chest were covering a lot of his injuries, because seeing them all just made him realize how much his uncle had done to him the night before. They were proof that it all wasn't just a bad dream.
He quickly pulled on Draco's clothes so he didn't have to look at himself anymore. He wished the sleeves were longer to cover his hands, which were now covered in small cuts from the vase the night before. The bandages on his wrists poked out whenever he lifted his arms, making him look like he had tried to commit suicide, in Harry's opinion. He shut his eyes tight for a minute to push his emotions away before going back into Draco's room, where the blonde was waiting for him.
The two made their way downstairs. Harry ignored his body's protests in order to walk at a normal pace. Draco suggested going slower, but Harry just rolled his eyes and said he was fine. He just wanted everyone to forget the previous night had ever happened.
Harry was pushing the eggs around on his plate when Sirius entered looking tired and harassed.
"I'm sorry for taking so long. They had me filling out paper work and stuff all night long, and they kept calling in new people to talk to me and I had to explain everything over and over again," he said quickly. "Anyways, it's been a very hectic night, but I'm finally here."
"Black, I have a few potions I want Harry to take. The boys can finish up breakfast while we talk about it and then you and Harry can get out of here," Snape said, standing up. Sirius nodded and followed Snape from the room.
"How is he?" Sirius asked as soon as they were away from the kitchen.
"How do you think he is?" Snape snapped irritably.
"For once, would you not snap at me or be sarcastic or act like I'm some inferior moron and just answer the damn question?" Sirius said angrily. "I am well aware he's probably not doing so well with the fact that his uncle beat the shit out of him last night, but would you just give me an idea of how he's handling it?"
"Not well. You need to talk to him about it."
"I know," Sirius said with a roll of the eyes at the unhelpful advice.
"I mean soon, Black," Snape said firmly.
"I'll talk to him when he's ready to talk."
"No, Black, you have to talk to him now. I don't care if he says he's ready or not, you drag it out of him. Force him to talk," Snape argued. Sirius looked at him in disgust.
"He's not one of your students sentenced to detention where you interrogate him with Veritiserum, okay? If he's ready to talk about it, I'll talk to him about it. If he needs time, I'm going to give it to him."
"No need to guess which scenario you would prefer," Snape sneered.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sirius growled.
"It means that you need to grow up and stop trying to be his friend and start being his godfather."
"Oh yeah, I'm going to take godfathering advice from you," Sirius said sarcastically. "Do you even allow Draco to laugh, or is any sort of fun against the rules in your manor?"
"Don't act like you know how I raise Draco" Snape growled.
"Then you don't act like you know how I take care of Harry," Sirius snapped.
"If you don't talk to him, he's going to close you off and retreat into himself," Snape said warningly.
"Harry's been through this before so if anyone knows how to handle it, it's him. I, unlike you, have trust in him. He'll come to me when he's ready."
"Oh yes, because he's handled it so well in the past," Snape said with extreme sarcasm.
"He has! He doesn't dwell on it. He doesn't let it interfere with his life. He doesn't have a thousand piercings or tattoos or some obsession with pyromania or something. He's normal and he's happy, so he must be doing something right," Sirius insisted.
"Are you seriously that naïve, Black?" Snape asked with a sneer. "Why do you think he took that Muggle's cancer on himself? What his relatives have done to him have left him feeling that nobody cares for him and has decimated his self-esteem."
"Well now he has me, okay? He knows I care about him. This isn't like before because now I'm around and he can come to me whenever he wants, before he takes any drastic measures. Unlike you, I have a little bit of faith in him and know that he's a strong kid and that he can get over this like he has before. He knows what's best for himself, and he will talk when it's the right time for him," Sirius said confidently.
"Well your faith in him is going to destroy him. He's fifteen, for Merlin's sakes. Most adults don't know what's best for them, and I would think it's quite obvious by now that Harry does not know what is best for him," Snape said angrily.
"You'll always look at him as inferior to you, won't you, Snape? Is it just because he's James's son, or is it because he's my godson? Or maybe all Gryffindors are just so much dumber than you god-like Slytherins," Sirius growled. "Well you're wrong. Whatever prejudices you have against him, Harry's a smart kid who's far more capable of dealing with the shit life deals him than you will ever be."
"You're pathetic, Black. I admit I've had my prejudices against him in the past, but now it's you who's being blinded by prejudice. You can't even take my advice when I was the one who stayed with him the entire night! I was the one he first told about this abuse, or did you not know that? It was me he came to, not you, so maybe you could consider for one second that maybe it was because he knew I would handle it better than you would," Snape yelled.
"Oh don't even start with those little lies, Snape. Yeah, he told you first, but don't even TRY to make it seem like he came running to you for help. You just happened to be the first to figure it out because you were around him all the time as his professor, and then you probably forced it out of him before he was ready to talk about it," Sirius yelled back. "If you had given him time, he would have come to me first, and willingly too."
"If I hadn't made him talk about it, nobody would have ever known and he would have died at the hands of his uncle."
"Forget this. We're not getting anywhere and I don't have the energy to fight with you over this, Snape, so why don't you give me the damn potions and I can get Harry somewhere he's actually welcome," Sirius said finally.
"Harry is welcome here, it's you who's not. And don't you dare try to tell Harry that I don't want him here. You'll just lower his self-esteem. Plus, he obviously is going to need somebody who will act like an adult about this," Snape sneered.
"Just give me the damn potions, Snivellus," Sirius said through clenched teeth, resorting to Snape's old nickname from Hogwarts.
Snape scowled at him as he scribbled down instructions for the potions. "Mature as always, Black," he sneered, thrusting several bottles into Sirius's arms. "Now calm your temper before going back to the kitchen. In case you've forgotten, Harry's just had to deal with an enraged uncle, he doesn't need to deal with an enraged godfather too."
Sirius glared at him and stalked angrily out the door. Before walking into the kitchen, however, he took several calming breaths. Snape came up behind him and followed him into the kitchen without saying a word.
Draco was trying to make conversation with Harry, and Harry was doing a very good job of going along with it. Snape inwardly sighed, knowing that this outward display of normalcy would only make Sirius less likely to talk to Harry. It also meant that Harry was trying to hide his pain, and would let it eat away at him from inside rather than let somebody else help him.
"Ready to go, kiddo?" Sirius asked. Harry smiled and nodded, ignoring the shoots of pain through his body as he got up from the table.
"See you later, Draco," he said. "Thank you for having me over, Professor."
"You're welcome here any time, Harry," Snape said sincerely. He caught Harry's eyes momentarily, and realized with disappointment that they were filled with mistrust and skepticism. Harry quickly tore his eyes away and gave a curt nod.
Sirius went to sling an arm over Harry's shoulders, but when the boy flinched and tensed at the move, Sirius thought better of it, letting his arm fall back to his side and leading Harry out.
"Sev?" Draco asked worriedly after the two left. "Is Harry going to be all right?"
Snape sighed and looked at his godson. "I don't know, Draco. I hope so."
.
When Harry arrived back at the Lighthouse, Harry looked around to the place he had come to call home in the last month. But for some reason, it didn't seem the same. Everything was in the same place, everything was as it should be, but was different somehow. It felt like a place he was visiting, like the Burrow felt when he stayed there for a while, or like the room he had stayed in at the Leaky Cauldron. He felt like a stranger to the place, like he didn't belong and would be leaving as soon as he wore out his welcome. It didn't feel like home anymore.
"You okay, kiddo?" Sirius asked worriedly.
Harry nodded. "Yeah." He paused. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Why don't you go lie down and rest?" Sirius suggested. "I'm sure you didn't get a good night sleep over in that creepy big house with a creepy Slytherin potion master lurking about," he attempted to joke. Harry didn't find it very funny.
"No, I slept really well, actually," he said, bluffing a little.
"Oh. Right. Well, still, no place like home, right?" Sirius asked in a hopeful tone.
"Right," Harry said quietly, avoiding Sirius's eyes.
"How about…" Sirius thought quickly, "Why don't we have a big lunch? What do you want? We could do it picnic style or we could eat in your room, whatever you like!"
Harry wanted to decline but forced a smile. "Sure, whatever you want, Sirius."
"How about spaghetti? It's your favorite," Sirius said enticingly.
"Do you like spaghetti?" Harry asked nervously.
"Yeah, but…"
"Then spaghetti's great, unless you want something else. You can make anything you want, really," Harry said quickly. "Whatever's easiest or whatever you want."
"You know, Harry," Sirius said awkwardly, "I never got along with my family either. They disagreed with me on a lot of things, politics and such. They were horrified that I was friends with Remus. He was a werewolf and a half-blood. And your mother was of course a Muggleborn and she was the object of your father's affection, so I was always blabbing on about her as well. Anyway, as you know, I ran away, but I was also disowned. My parents were really furious with me. It was altogether a really hard time. Luckily, I had people to turn to, especially your father and his parents. They helped me a lot, you know. That's what people close to you are there for, you know…to help," Sirius said meaningfully. "Do you know what I mean?"
Harry looked at Sirius intently. "Please help me. I can't start it on my own, I don't know how. Just ask me about anything. Please. I need help," he mentally screamed as he nodded slowly. He couldn't just start talking about what happened, he was filled with too many doubts and too much distrust to be able to initiate such a deep conversation about himself. What if Sirius didn't care? He needed help but he didn't know how to ask for it. He didn't want Sirius to think less of him if he asked. Besides, Sirius had been through so much in his life, would he think Harry was weak for not being able to deal with this?
Unfortunately, Sirius didn't get Harry's mental message and smiled unsurely.
"Good. Good. Um, spaghetti for lunch then, where would you like it?" he asked hopefully.
"Anywhere you'd like," Harry said quietly. He was disappointed Sirius hadn't tried to get him to talk about what had happened. It cemented the belief that his godfather didn't really care. If he had, he surely would have recognized Harry's desperation to talk about it, wouldn't he?
"We'll decide later. Play it by ear. We're a couple of free young men, well, at least you're young, I'm getting up there in the years, but hey, young at heart is all that matters, right? Right. We live life at our whim. We can figure out where we're going to eat lunch when the time comes because we require no planning," Sirius rambled wildly, trying to lighten up the mood. "But for now, what do you say for a few hours of sleep for the both of us, eh kiddo?"
"Oh yes, of course. You didn't get any sleep last night, I'm sorry. Yes, um, you should get some rest," Harry said quickly, feeling immediately guilty.
"All right, and then later, Moony will be coming over. He'll need to know what happened. Oh and the Weasleys will want to stop by," Sirius said brightly, as if thinking it would lighten Harry's spirits. Instead, the color quickly drained from Harry's face.
"Um, today? Do the Weasleys have to come today? Can't they come another time?" he asked in a constricted voice, glancing nervously at the fireplace as if expecting them to all pile out of there at any given moment.
"Is something wrong?" Sirius asked worriedly.
"Everything! Everything's wrong!" Harry mentally screamed.
"Um…no. Nothing's wrong, I'm just sort of tired and I um…I still look like…like this," he said, looking down at himself with all the scratches, bruises and bandages.
"Harry, the Weasleys won't care," Sirius protested.
"Siri, please. Professor Snape said I can do some concealing charms in a few days, so it can wait until then, right?" Harry pleaded.
"Harry, the Weasleys are worried sick about you. They aren't going to wait that long to see you, and I doubt I'll be able to stop them, especially Molly. Now she's just scary," Sirius said with a slight shudder. He took in Harry's dejected look and sighed. "Look, we'll see. We'll play it by ear, okay?"
Harry nodded miserably before heading upstairs. Sirius opened his mouth to say something to his godson, but couldn't think of anything and closed it again. He massaged the bridge of his nose and shuffled off toward his bedroom. Maybe some sleep would help clear his mind. Maybe when he woke up, everything would be fine again.
.
"Ron, shush, you don't want to wake him," a voice whispered
"I won't, 'Mione. I just want to see if he's okay," hissed another voice.
Harry tiredly opened his eyes and turned over, blinking sleepily at the two blurry figures. He started to sit up and paused with a wince, remembering that it hurt to move.
"Ron? 'Mione?" he croaked tiredly, straightening his glasses. He didn't even remember going to sleep. He was completely dressed, lying on top of his covers, having covered only a fraction of himself with the corner of his comforter. He could feel the sore marks on his face from where his glasses had dug into his skin, having obviously not removed them before slipping into slumber.
His two friends smiled guiltily at him before hurrying to his side. Harry began to get out of bed but they gently pushed him back, Hermione fixing his pillows behind him. She sat down on his bed next to him and brushed his fringe away from the bandage on his forehead with a sympathetic frown. Ron, with Hermione having taken the spot next to Harry, scrambled onto Harry's bed to his other side. He plopped down next to his friend, his back to the window.
"Oh, Harry, I know Sirius said you weren't up to having any visitors, but we were worried sick and the only way to avoid a stampede of Weasleys was to have us come check on you and report back," Hermione said apologetically. "We've been dying to see you since last night!"
"Yeah, Ginny, Fred and George are close to having panic attacks with worry. They're all really shook up," Ron added. "Mum's the worst. She nearly tore off Sirius's head when he told her you weren't up to visitors. If he hadn't mentioned you were sleeping, I think she would have shouted instead of just growling at him."
Ron picked up one of Harry's arms to look at the damage, and Harry ashamedly pulled it away, pulling down the sleeves of his shirt.
"You look like hell, mate," Ron said with a grimace.
"Thanks, Ron. I noticed," Harry said with a frown.
Hermione looked at him momentarily before bursting into tears. Harry's eyes widened in surprise.
"Oh, Harry, why didn't you ever tell me? Why didn't you let us know it was so bad? He almost killed you!" she cried, pulling him into a hug. "You could have died last night!"
"I'm sorry, I…" Harry started but couldn't think of what to say.
"Harry, I thought you weren't going to keep secrets from us anymore!" Hermione scolded, hugging Harry tighter, causing him to shut his eyes with a shuddering gasp.
"Hermione, you're hurting him!" Ron said urgently. Hermione jumped away from Harry guiltily.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Harry, I didn't…I thought you'd be healed better," Hermione apologized.
"Immune system thing," Harry said with a wince. "It's okay, you couldn't have known." His two friends exchanged a look and Harry blushed with shame.
"You're uncle's such a bastard," Ron said angrily.
"He was drunk," Harry said quietly.
"No kidding! It smelled like he took a bath in vodka!" Ron said bitterly.
"Are you guys alright? Are Fred and George okay?" Harry asked.
"Yes, we're all fine," Hermione said. "We were just going insane with worry about you."
"They kept us there forever asking us questions and stuff," Ron interjected exasperatedly. "And then, when we were finally done, they wouldn't even let us go and see you! Dad just dragged us home, saying you were fine, but you certainly don't look fine. That's the last time I believe him."
"I am fine," Harry insisted. "It's not as bad as it looks. I'll be as good as new in a few days."
"Well, I don't know if Sirius told you yet, but your uncle's going to Azkaban. You don't even need to testify and the officials are going to keep it quiet," Hermione said reassuringly.
"Azkaban?" Harry asked incredulously. "Isn't that a bit extreme? He's not even a wizard and it's not like he did anything that bad."
"Harry, what are you talking about? He nearly killed you! If anyone deserves Azkaban, it's your uncle!" Ron said vehemently.
The two left soon after to go report Harry's condition to all those anxiously waiting at the Burrow. Sirius gave Harry a few potions to drink and then the young Gryffindor politely refused dinner with the excuse of the potions making him tired. In fact, guilt was churning around in his stomach, leaving no room for food.
Vernon Dursley was being sentenced to what Harry believed to be one of the worst possible fates, and it was all Harry's fault. If he hadn't existed, the Dursleys would have been a normal family, living their happy lives. No matter how many times people had told him that his uncle's actions weren't his fault, Harry knew they wouldn't be able to deny that none of it would have happened if he hadn't existed. His uncle was right: Harry had ruined his life.
Before falling asleep that night, Harry wondered what sort of memories Uncle Vernon would be reliving in the dementor-infested prison. He momentarily entertained the thought that his uncle would have to relive all the horrible things he'd done to Harry, but quickly pushed aside that notion. Those memories weren't bad ones for Vernon. Harry sighed, figuring that the memory of finding Harry on his doorstep would be the one playing repeatedly through his uncle's mind for a very long time.
A/N: Okay, most commonly asked question of the chapter: Why didn't Sirius just Apparate into the kitchen or think of some better spell to get the door open. And here's my attempt at an explanation: First off, though the scene seems quite long because I switch between what's happening in the kitchen and out of it, the actual events occurred in a very short time span, not giving much time for thinking. Second, Sirius was panicking, along with everyone else, and often in times of panic, it's very difficult to think of the common sense thing to do (trust me, I've been in that sort of situation). Third, the scene was needed to be that way for the plot, so let's all just pretend my explanation makes an incredible amount of sense, turn the other way and start whistling as we read the rest of the story? You know you want to! bribes readers with chocolate
Wiccan PussyKat: Hey, thanks for reminding me to update! I almost forgot! Lol, I love you too? I'm so glad you liked the chapter!! Makes up for those who didn't. Yup, this is the big thing I was mentioning, though not the big thing of the whole story, mind you. I still have a main conflict I haven't even touched yet, though I've been discretely setting up for it. Don't worry, you will never figure out what it is until it happens. The Dursleys need some definite treatment…how about lobotomies all around? Lol, yes, knifey and all together more creepy. Now he's more intent on killing Harry than just hurting him. Of course he failed, thank Merlin. I'm glad you see the reason behind doing what I did with the scene. I couldn't just have them all rush in and break up all the fun…er I mean torture. Good call with the theme. That's definitely one of them. I'm glad you've caught on! Good sleuthing!! And it's good to think that all this emotional stuff is building up to something…hmm…what could that something be? Oh yeah, it's…oops, almost let it slip. Lol. Don't you just adore Draco? I know I do! grabs Draco and hugs him, much to his horror Did you realize that in HP3, on the Marauder's Map, they misspelled Moony? They spelled it Mooney! Um….hello? And yes, werewolf Remus looked far too alien-ish. Oh well, it still rocked.
Dana (Serpent and the Lion): Yay! I'm glad you liked it. Good sleuthing, Harry is definitely feeling like a burden to Snape, especially after what just happened bringing all that up to the surface again. I'm so glad you think my characters are life-like! Ooh, now I'm all excited. Keep your eye on the flawed perfection conversation. You have some great guesses going on, and keep 'em coming.
Toffee: Vernon would have searched Ron for his wand and tied him up, but Harry woke up before he got around to it. You're feeling the same way about Sirius that Harry is, in a way. I'll bring him into the story more and more as it goes on, but it might take a little longer before he really begins to come in. Ah, see the itsy bitsy problem is that no one heard what Vernon said to Harry. They heard muffled shouts and everything, but amidst all the noisy chaos, no one outside the kitchen heard what Vernon said. Problem? Me thinks so.
ParanoiaIn2005: Lol, thanks! Well, why would Harry know? I mean, the police didn't really have a way to contact him, or anything and since the Stensons would have told them that Harry had moved away, it doesn't seem like it would be all that pressing to find him and tell him. Plus, it's not like Vernon was even there for very long, it was just a claim being made that didn't go through without better evidence. I'm sorry you didn't like the chapter too much, hopefully you liked this one better. I'm glad you liked what I've done with Ron's character. I'm rather fond of him myself. With Vernon's little speech, he's been so obsessed with revenge on Harry, that I figured he would have known everything he wanted to say by heart, having it all run through his head a thousand times a day (he's quite the psycho really). Vernon may not be very bright all the time, but he's been so obsessed with getting back at Harry, this would be the one thing, if anything, that he'd want to get right. He's put a lot of thought into this. And the adults beating down on Vernon, well, I really think that's what they would do to someone who had hurt the boy they all love like a son. I saw this Lifetime movie one time about an abusive guy, and when the male relatives found out what he was doing to his kid, they kicked the crap out of him, and it just seemed very appropriate. Lol, there you go talking about what's going to happen in the next chapter again (the Snape/Harry convo). The undressing thing…there are so many fics where Harry's injured or sick and Snape or someone just strips him down an puts him in the bath and I've always thought that it was so beyond awkward. I could almost see someone like Snape or Draco being fine with it since I'd imagine house elves might have dressed them before or something, but Harry? No way. I just wanted to put in my idea of how he'd react to that sort of situation, since I really doubt it would be whipping off his boxers. Lol. That sounded a bit wrong. But no, reviews can never ever be too long, so keep 'em up!
Savoy Truffle: Lol, yes, poor Harry! I think he hates me right about now…and for the past year or so. Draco could never really be a Gryffindor. He has too much Slytherin pride. I saw HP3 at an Imax theater in the States. It was très cool. Lol, I love Remy too! I wish I could make him play a bigger role in my fics, but there's just no room for him! pout Lol, I imagine practically all the characters as sex-gods, but obviously they didn't go with this theme in the movie, lol. I love Alan Rickman and though I wouldn't describe him as hot, he's definitely one of my faves in the movie!
MyrHalcyon: Lol, I like the research. Your theory is beyond beautiful, very imaginative, and probably one of the most in depth works of sleuthery I've ever seen! Completely wrong of course, but that's not the point. Lol. Okay, I think about one of the things you were looking at had any hint in it, though I of course cannot say which one. The Ron Weasley is Dumbledore theory? Um….Oh my god it all makes sense!! Or not. LOL. Keep up the detective work. I actually really like the detective work and I think that if anyone will figure this all out, it might be you. You'll never figure it out, but we'll just speak metaphorically now, shall we? Lol. Keep up the research. I really am dying to give you a hint but I'm too afraid it would give everything away so I'm going to stay reluctantly tight-lipped.
Alex20: he's not inferior to everyone his age. In fact, he's ahead of them in a lot of ways. He's still the best in his class at Defense and he's tutoring Ron in Potions. He's just normal now, except for his weakness of his immune system. It's not that he benefits from losing his wandless magic in the sense that he becomes more powerful or something, but this is his chance to show that he's a good wizard without an extra crutch. Really, the wandless magic made it seem more like he was inferior to the rest because he needed that something extra to get where he was. Now's his chance to prove he can do things on his own. Maybe he's not all powerful, but the fact that he can get on, deal with this stuff, and still be a good wizard on his own shows his strength better than any coincidental extra magic could.
X-Goddess of Imaginary Light-X: good question. Will I let Harry live this time? Who knows? I do, but that's not the point. Lol, you don't sound terrible. I love the exact same thing, obviously or I would be writing about it! Yeah, too bad this isn't slash, but I had to get my H/G piece out there into the world. Lol, I usually don't write my chapters completely in between updates. I have most of the story already written out so in between updates I just have to either add things or just polish things up. The next chapter, however, might actually be a complete "in between chapters" construction since I haven't added enough of what I need into that slot in my timeline of the plot. Confused? You should be! Lol. I loved HP3 as well. I'm so glad you liked the chapter!! Hope you like this one as well!!
EternallyMine (I love those parts of the movie! Priceless! Yes he is freaking insane. Poor Ron, he was helpless and probably a bit traumatized by all that, though of course, not as much as Harry.), Wheezygred (I'm glad you finally decided to review! For answer to your question, see the A/N, and don't worry about being pushy. It was actually your review that reminded me that I needed to update, so thanks!), Velith (thanks! Voila, I gave you the Harry/Snape angst due to spring up after Snape's outburst. Still not quite resolved, but that's the way it goes. Lol, um, sounds like fun! I want to have sponges thrown at me!), Belonging, lonlyheart, AgnesSophia (glad you enjoyed the angst! No, the magical law enforcement's going to keep it quiet. It would make for good angst for it to get out, but would unfortunately stray from the plot line…bugger. I have so many scenes like that. I loved HP3 as well, and "A Little Princess" is one of my all time faves!), torifire126, Catiechan (spot on, girl! Harry didn't quite let all his emotions break free. He started to but plugged up the dam before it could explode. Of course, we all know this can't be good for our little boy-hero.), lasuga89, Ptijade (I'm glad you like my fic. See A/N), HappiGoLucki616 (Thanks!), lost angel92, leontine, Talix (um…hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this fic's heading into darker territory. I'll try to keep it from being all depressing, and there's some lighter bits thrown in, but there will be more angst than before, and not much fluff, at least for awhile. I don't know if it'll be too angsty, I'll leave that up to you to decide.), Milamber (Mmm, strange. Good. I'll take that as a compliment. Lol. Draco is really a good guy! His father puts a lot of pressure on him and the poor kid's just confused right now. He'll see the light! Hope you enjoy the story anyways!), Slytherin'sHottiexox (I tried emailing you and it didn't work, and I've just figured out it was because I was being stupid and thought what you put at the bottom of your review was your email, which it is, just minus the hotmail.com, but I didn't even think of that until this moment and assumed it was at aol.com for some odd reason. Oh well.), Julie (no, no slash. Sorry if that's a disappointment!), Tigerlily, Always Confused (wow, thank you! Yeah, Angel74 is excellent. I hope you're getting along well with your fic! I couldn't even tell you were German. Your English is fantastic!), Zygos (Very possible, but first, that was a hedge versus a door with a table and a bureau blocking it. And then, we don't even know if that's what Sirius was using and with all the panic, he might not have even thought of it! Lol, don't you love my pathetic excuses? I needed the scene to work that way for plot's sake, so please just ignore that little discrepancy. I'm glad you like it though!), corinnetkn24 (thanks!), Wynjara, Madame Moony (are you kidding? I loved it!! Well, I'll allow you your difference of opinion of the movie…this time. Lol. A lot of writing and planning gets these chapters this long, actually, it's mostly due to not being able to cut it at a decent point until it's way longer than it aught to be. Lol), Crystal, Angel74 (Yay! I'm so glad you liked it! You should totally write an H/R fic! I'd be first in line to read it. You could even base it off this fic if you wanted, a spin-off sort of thing, you know? Either way, you should. There's not enough good ones out there. You're looking into this fic with brilliant sleuthy-ness. Update soon!), Arctic Wolf2, Earthmom, voxenking, Lorie1101 (jeez, you went to that great of lengths to read this? Thank you so much for that dedication!), LilynjamesAAF, MsHobgoblin, phoenixmarauder, Shawn Pickett, ratgirl, alternativelyspliced (Don't worry, Sirius still has his role in Harry's life, he's just having a hard time realizing exactly what that is. I actually do have pictures, but I'm so computer illiterate I have no idea how to put them online. My friend said he'd help me when I get back from England.), Ashes7, lyss33, tati1 (I really hope that's wrong about the fourth movie because I would have a conniption fit. I hope you can review more often, because I really enjoy them! Hope you continue to enjoy the fic!), ChildOfDarkness (lol, don't you just love Harry torture? Is that bad? I hope not because I love it. Lol, I would love to see you do that to Vernon, but instead he's being fed to dementors. They'll take good care of him. Cackles evilly), A-Brighter-Dawn, Gryphonmistress (Don't worry, it'll be there, but it'll have to be pushed aside for awhile to make way for Harry-angst), Blue Phoenix2, kneh13, ThreeToedSloth (lol, did it really make you gasp? squeals with glee They couldn't hold him without evidence or Harry's testimony of continuing abuse, the Stensons' testimony didn't cut it.), fantagal, Anilia Hawkeye (lol, you know, I think I'd be rather disturbed if I was stuck in a similar situation to this one with you. Lol, your hospital episode sounds so much like something Harry would do!), shadowarwen, Rhiain, yellowpages, hedwigs-biggest-fan (don't worry, Sirius will play a bigger role in the future. Just be patient. The poor guy still is very clueless. He's new at this and hasn't quite figured things out yet.), gina87, Von, icechrist (ooh, thanks for the conflicting emotions, I think. Lol, I hope to make you cry much more in the future. Ouch, man, that's rough. Those are certainly dark days. Hope you continue to enjoy and hope your foot gets better!), SilverCentaur (yeah, I made up the scary movies. Sometimes, I think I've seen too many horror films for my own good, but it does make it easier to construct my own.), always krissy, Lourdes, Nation El-Diablo, Kjkit, ckat44, Dana a.k.a mysticphoenix (thanks! I'm so glad you like the characterization! HAHAHAHA That was the most hilarious comment in your P.S.), Monica85