Dr. Sims only spent a short while in the room with Michelle, he organised some more injections for her so that she could try and get some more sleep, but basically he just wanted to check on her in person. He then asked to see Tony outside for a few moments. Alex and Jessica stayed with Michelle and helped get her comfortable.

"Tony, how has Michelle really been since she woke up?"

"Not good. She tried to pretend everything was fine for awhile but broke down as soon as she thought we were going to leave her alone. She wanted me to just hold her, but not make her talk about it. But then she basically apologised for all these things she thought were her fault..."

"Like what?"

"Michelle has it stuck in her head that because is a trained agent, she should have been able to defend herself better – she feels like she has let people down because of that. She feels like the bruises are so ugly that people will be turned off by her."

"They are both very normal Tony. Sometimes these situations can be so hard for someone to deal with or get their head around that it is easier for them to try and take on all the blame for it, once they make the experience their fault in their own minds they can comprehend it all a little better. Unfortunately this also makes them withdraw from everyone they care about and feel like they are not good enough anymore."

"Anytime she is forced to think about it, she begins to shake and breathe heavier – what can I do now to help when that happens?"

"Tony, Michelle really needs to feel safe and secure. This was a drawn out traumatic experience and for that entire time she probably thought either you both wouldn't make it out of there or at least one of you wouldn't. Until it really sinks in for her that you are both here and ok – she will almost feel like she is reliving that fear....does that make sense?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Just keep her close, assure her that you are both ok. Talk about things you will do in the future together, anything. She will need to start learning to talk about it though, but I'm happy to give her a little time."

"Ok, thanks doc. I better get back in there." Tony turned to leave but Dr. Sims called for him again.

"Tony, you experienced all this too. Physically you might be fine – but I am sure a lot of the same fears and thoughts are there for you too. I strongly recommend you talk to someone about all this. I can suggest some great people here at the hospital."

"Thanks doc, but I am ok – all I care about is Michelle. If she is ok, then I'll be fine. I want to concentrate on her."

The doctor new Tony wasn't fine and had been great affected as well but it wasn't the right time to push it. Maybe one Michelle was more out of the woods, Tony would begin to deal with it himself.

Tony looked at his watch, it was close to 9am. He didn't feel tired though, all he felt was Michelle. He thought about what the doctor had said but he really thought he was handling things just fine. Actually he still had the worst pain when he thought about everything. He felt so guilty for what Michelle had been through. He didn't understand how anyone could put their life on the line for him, especially Michelle – didn't she understand she was too important to do that? Seeing her in pain for the sake of his own well-being was possibly the hardest thing he had ever had to comprehend. He felt so guilty now that he had to sit and watch Michelle blame herself for the entire thing when really it was his fault. Michelle was HIS girl and it was HIS responsibility to look after her – how would she ever feel safe with him again. How could she ever need him now when she had been through the worst experience ever and he had done shit all to help her. Tony didn't just want Michelle, he needed her and he desperately needed her to need him too. A couple times now she had clung on to him so tight and it made him feel so good, but he wondered if that was about him or just that she needed somebody close – and he was the one there. Wasn't she still mad at him? He hated himself so much for making Michelle feel like he would leave her through-out the experience. He wished she had known every single second she was going through it all just how much he loved her.

None of what Tony was feeling was important though – all that was important to him was making sure Michelle was ok. He took a deep breath and joined his parents and Michelle again.

Michelle took Tony's hand as he walked back to her side. "Tony, what did he say?"

"Nothing much babe – don't worry."

"Why did he want to talk to you in private then?"

Tony sat on the side of Michelle's bed and put a hand on either side of her. "Sweetie, he just wanted to know how you were feeling..."

"What did you say?"

"Ummm, Chelle, I said you were umm...."

"Tony just say it, tell me what you said."

"Ok, I told him that I was worried because you seem to blame yourself, that you tried to make us think that you were ok, that your injuries made you feel self-conscious...."

Michelle cut Tony off. "Alright, alright I get it." She turned her head to the side and stared at the blank wall. There was no where else to look with out having to have eye contact with either Alex, Jessica or Tony. She felt so self-conscious of them all staring at her. She wasn't use to lots of attention in any situation but this was the worse kind she could think of. She wished she could curl up and just sleep forever. "Chelle...I'm sorry, I just wanted to know what I could do to help. I feel so useless."

Michelle didn't move her head and closed her eyes as she spoke. "You don't need to do anything! I am fine – I'll be fine – you don't need to spend your time worrying."

Tony shot his mouth off before he had a chance to think it all the way through. "If you are fine, then how come anytime any of this is mentioned your body shakes, you have tears in your eyes, you can barely breathe...."

Michelle opened her eyes and stared straight into Tony's. He was challenging her and she had no idea how to respond. "I don't know...that doesn't mean anything...."

"Chelle it means everything!! You didn't even want to be left alone before..."

"Damn Tony I didn't think you were taking notes. You know what I can't stand!?! It's your fault I feel this way...and for what?!? You have spent most of the time since this all started angry with me...."

Tony knew it – Michelle blamed him. Of course she did, it was all his fault. As much as it would break his heart again to hear it, he wanted Michelle to yell and scream at him for letting her down in so many ways. He sunk his head and took a step back from the bed. His parents had already left the room to give them privacy. "I know it's my fault Chelle...."

"No, no you don't!! You have no bloody idea Tony." Michelle started to try and sit up – it hurt like hell but she couldn't just lay there like that with all this happening. Once again the tears started to flow and she had to choke her way through them as she yelled at Tony. "God Tony I am trying so hard not to lose you, but I just can't keep up. Just tell me what I am supposed to do?"

Tony was shocked, he was all ready for her to tear him apart for everything – he wasn't ready for her to say that. He had no idea what she meant. "You are not supposed to do anything Michelle, why would you think you are meant to do something?"

"Because I don't want to lose you and it keeps feeling like I am going to do...."

"Chelle you will never lose me. I am not going anywhere. Is that what you think?"

"Well I watched them have a gun to your head Tony – I thought any second it was all going to be over. Then you told me you would leave me. Then when everyone was fighting I didn't know what was going to happen. Before we came to the hospital you were so angry with me, I thought you hated me. I see how I look and I know you couldn't want to be with me. You got upset with me before when I didn't want you to leave....."

Tony moved in closer to Michelle and put his arms out for her but she pushed them away. "Chelle..."

"No....you can't do this to me. You can't let me fall so in love with you if you are just going to leave. I don't care what happened to me Tony, all I care about was you but that doesn't seem to count for anything. Doesn't it matter how much I want you? It's like I am treading thin ice to have you."

Michelle couldn't look at him anymore. She shifted her body slightly so that she was facing the other way – she was in so much pain trying to support herself sitting up but she didn't know what else to do.

Tony's heart cried for Michelle. He had no idea she felt this way. He didn't understand how she could feel this way about him. He had to be closer to her. He climbed onto the bed and slipped in behind Michelle. She looked so uncomfortable. He put his hands around her waist and pulled her body into his so she was leaning back into his chest. He kept one hand tight around her waist and used the other to stroke the side of her face and her hair.

"My beautiful, gorgeous Michelle. You are not going to lose me. I know how scary that was with the men Chelle...but you know what?! We got through it – we are alive and still here together. I have been angry, but not at you directly – just at this entire situation and all because I am so in love with you. Michelle you are my soul mate, my everything – I have to have you and I promise I am not going anywhere. I don't even see the bruises sweetheart because all I see is you – my sexy Chelle. If only you knew how much I want you baby – then you would see that I could never ever leave you."

Gotta end it there for now....but I'll continue from here really soon!!