After considerable debate with himself, James decided he had to talk to
Lily. He felt absolutely horrible and he had to apologize to her. Even if
she didn't answer, he had to let her know how he felt. He quickly went out
of this dormitory and ran to Lily's. he knocked, but heard no answer.
"Lily? Are you in there? Lily," he called and opened the door. Being a man,
James was amazed at the impeccable neatness of the room. Women truly were
amazing and wondrous creatures. (A/N: Ask a woman, she'll tell you I'm
right) A scan around the room showed clearly that Lily was not there. James
was just about to leave when he saw the parchment on the bed. He picked up
the first piece and read it quickly.
" 'None of this is your fault'," James mumbled. "What does she mean? 'Can't bear living anymore'? She's going to kill herself!" he said, finally realizing what the letter meant. Then he saw the other piece of parchment. With shaky fingers, James picked it up and carefully unfolded it. And read Lily's poem. By the time he finished, tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't believe what he had just read. Lily - beautiful, wonderful Lily - was going to commit suicide. He had to stop her. But what could he do? She hadn't said where she would be. Then the light dawned. " 'But now I must take that final fall.' The Astronomy Tower!"
With all possible speed, James ran out of the dormitories to the Astronomy Tower, not caring who he ran into. James had no idea how many people he bumped or knocked over. He didn't even stop when he ran Professor Dumbledore over "Sorry, Professor!" he called hastily over his shoulder.
"No trouble, my boy. No trouble," Dumbledore called back. He got up, not at all surprised to see James keep running without looking back.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily stood in the Astronomy Tower to look at the stars one last time. She felt a kind of . . . calm here. She always did. The stars looked beautiful and bright on this wonderfully clear night. It was almost a full moon. It was too bad she couldn't see the full moon one last time. With a small sigh, she climbed up on the windowsill.
"Nooo!" she heard a familiar voice scream breathlessly. "Lily, don't do it."
"Why not, James?" She couldn't bring herself to look at him. It would hurt too much. Indeed, it hurt enough just hearing his voice.
"Because you would be wasting your life."
"It's mine to waste."
"Nobody's life is their own."
"Mine is." Lily hugged herself, starting to have doubts about jumping.
"Only if you want it to be. Only if you tell yourself it is."
"I don't tell myself it is. It just is. Always has been."
"That can be changed."
"No, it can't." Lily moved closer to the edge of the sill.
"Don't do it, Lily! Please."
"Why ever not?"
"Because people love you."
"I know."
"And I love you."
"I know," she answered wearily. "That's why I have to go over that edge. I don't deserve your love. Or anyone else's." Lily jumped off the ledge and fell hearing James's scream. And as she fell, she didn't see her life flash before her eyes, but James's face. His foolishly happy face with those beautiful brown eyes. Then she saw white and landed on the ground.
Lily didn't move when a big black dog with startling blue eyes nuzzled her head. The dog whimpered and licked her cheek. When she still didn't wake, the dog changed. It changed into Sirius. "Padfoot?" somebody asked behind him cautiously. Sirius bent down and gently picked up the Lily's limp body into his arms. Then he turned to face James.
"I'm sorry, Prongs. I'm so sorry," Sirius said in a husky voice. He was fighting a battle within himself and miserable failing. Tears escaped his saddened eyes.
"No, no. She can't be. She can't be," he replied unbelievingly. James raised a hand to touch Lily's fiery mane of hair, but he let it fall before he touched her. "She can't be dead."
"I - I'll take her to Madame Monte. Will you come with me, James?" he asked hesitantly.
"I'll be there in a second, Padfoot," he said and barely noticed when Sirius moved past him with his lost love in his arms. On legs made of lead, James walked over to the place where Lily had fallen. He saw a puddle of blood and watched his tears mingle with it. "Don't leave me, love. Don't leave me. Don't die. I won' let you. Get better. Please get better," he whispered and began to make his way to the hospital wing.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
"It's all my fault. It's all my fault," James repeated to himself in the common room. It didn't matter that people flocked around him, he was all alone. "It's all my fault."
"No, it's not. It's nobody's fault," Remus reasoned.
"It's all my fault."
"It's not your fault, James," Cassandra said and tenderly laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault."
"It's all my fault. She jumped because of me. It's my fault."
"Goddamn it, James! It's not your fault!" Sirius exclaimed. "If it was your fault, then it's my fault too! And Remus's and Sol's and Cassandra's and Peter's! It's not your fault or anyone else's. It's not our fault."
"Yes, it is. You weren't there. You didn't see her. You didn't hear her voice, the anguish and pain that filled it. She jumped because of me. Because of me. She wouldn't be hanging on to a thread of life if I was here."
"James, don't you hear what we're saying? Don't you know we feel the same?" Sol said. "We all feel responsible, James. We all feel the weight of it on our shoulders."
"But it's not your fault. It's mine."
"James, it's not your fault. You just feel the bulk of it because you love her. We all love, but you love her the most. So you feel the most responsible."
"It's all my fault."
"Shut up, James! Stop the goddamn self-pity kick," Sirius said, tired of hearing Jams whine. "I don't want to hear your shit anymore! I don't want to have to keep listening to your self-pity bullshit! It's not your fault, and bloody well know it!"
"It's my goddamn fault because that's how I feel and know it is."
"Exactly! You think it's your fault because you're too fucking stubborn to see it any other way! She told us it wasn't our fault!"
"She could fucking die!"
"We know! But you don't have to keep saying she jumped because of you."
"Well, she did. Do you want to know why she jumped? And it wasn't because she couldn't bear to live anymore. It was because I love her. My goddamn love made her jump. I made her jump! I forced her over that cursed edge! I might as well have picked her up and threw her out that bloody window!" For a few seconds, everybody just stared open mouthed at this revelation. They knew Lily had spoken to James before she jumped, but the hadn't known what she had said. Until now.
"James . . ." Cassandra began sympathetically. She quickly broke off as he stood up.
"Leave me alone."
"James -"
"I said, leave me alone!" James stalked off to his dormitory.
"That went over well," Peter muttered and was rewarded with a smack on the back of his head by Sirius. "Hey!"
"Do you think someone should go talk to him?" Remus thought aloud.
"I vote for Sirius," Cassandra said as she lounged lazily in a chair.
"Me? Why me?" Sirius objected.
"Because you don't bruise as easily as the rest of us do," she sneered.
"Yeah, go ahead, Sirius," Sol prompted.
"All right, all right, stop badgering me. but if I get a black eye, all of you are going to get it."
"Oh, I'm so scared!"
"You better be, Cassandra. Because it's you I'll get first," he promised then went up the stairs to James's dormitory.
"Heh, empty promises," she said carelessly.
"I HEARD THAT!"
"Of course you did," she yelled back. "I swear, he's got the biggest ears in the wizarding world. We might as well call him Dumbo," Cassandra muttered to her friends and was earned with their appreciative chuckles.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hey, I'm sorry that was so depressing, guys. Don't get made at me!! Please, no Flamers!! Things get better, I promise!! They do get better! Good things will happen!
" 'None of this is your fault'," James mumbled. "What does she mean? 'Can't bear living anymore'? She's going to kill herself!" he said, finally realizing what the letter meant. Then he saw the other piece of parchment. With shaky fingers, James picked it up and carefully unfolded it. And read Lily's poem. By the time he finished, tears were streaming down his face. He couldn't believe what he had just read. Lily - beautiful, wonderful Lily - was going to commit suicide. He had to stop her. But what could he do? She hadn't said where she would be. Then the light dawned. " 'But now I must take that final fall.' The Astronomy Tower!"
With all possible speed, James ran out of the dormitories to the Astronomy Tower, not caring who he ran into. James had no idea how many people he bumped or knocked over. He didn't even stop when he ran Professor Dumbledore over "Sorry, Professor!" he called hastily over his shoulder.
"No trouble, my boy. No trouble," Dumbledore called back. He got up, not at all surprised to see James keep running without looking back.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily stood in the Astronomy Tower to look at the stars one last time. She felt a kind of . . . calm here. She always did. The stars looked beautiful and bright on this wonderfully clear night. It was almost a full moon. It was too bad she couldn't see the full moon one last time. With a small sigh, she climbed up on the windowsill.
"Nooo!" she heard a familiar voice scream breathlessly. "Lily, don't do it."
"Why not, James?" She couldn't bring herself to look at him. It would hurt too much. Indeed, it hurt enough just hearing his voice.
"Because you would be wasting your life."
"It's mine to waste."
"Nobody's life is their own."
"Mine is." Lily hugged herself, starting to have doubts about jumping.
"Only if you want it to be. Only if you tell yourself it is."
"I don't tell myself it is. It just is. Always has been."
"That can be changed."
"No, it can't." Lily moved closer to the edge of the sill.
"Don't do it, Lily! Please."
"Why ever not?"
"Because people love you."
"I know."
"And I love you."
"I know," she answered wearily. "That's why I have to go over that edge. I don't deserve your love. Or anyone else's." Lily jumped off the ledge and fell hearing James's scream. And as she fell, she didn't see her life flash before her eyes, but James's face. His foolishly happy face with those beautiful brown eyes. Then she saw white and landed on the ground.
Lily didn't move when a big black dog with startling blue eyes nuzzled her head. The dog whimpered and licked her cheek. When she still didn't wake, the dog changed. It changed into Sirius. "Padfoot?" somebody asked behind him cautiously. Sirius bent down and gently picked up the Lily's limp body into his arms. Then he turned to face James.
"I'm sorry, Prongs. I'm so sorry," Sirius said in a husky voice. He was fighting a battle within himself and miserable failing. Tears escaped his saddened eyes.
"No, no. She can't be. She can't be," he replied unbelievingly. James raised a hand to touch Lily's fiery mane of hair, but he let it fall before he touched her. "She can't be dead."
"I - I'll take her to Madame Monte. Will you come with me, James?" he asked hesitantly.
"I'll be there in a second, Padfoot," he said and barely noticed when Sirius moved past him with his lost love in his arms. On legs made of lead, James walked over to the place where Lily had fallen. He saw a puddle of blood and watched his tears mingle with it. "Don't leave me, love. Don't leave me. Don't die. I won' let you. Get better. Please get better," he whispered and began to make his way to the hospital wing.
*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
"It's all my fault. It's all my fault," James repeated to himself in the common room. It didn't matter that people flocked around him, he was all alone. "It's all my fault."
"No, it's not. It's nobody's fault," Remus reasoned.
"It's all my fault."
"It's not your fault, James," Cassandra said and tenderly laid a hand on his shoulder. "It's not your fault."
"It's all my fault. She jumped because of me. It's my fault."
"Goddamn it, James! It's not your fault!" Sirius exclaimed. "If it was your fault, then it's my fault too! And Remus's and Sol's and Cassandra's and Peter's! It's not your fault or anyone else's. It's not our fault."
"Yes, it is. You weren't there. You didn't see her. You didn't hear her voice, the anguish and pain that filled it. She jumped because of me. Because of me. She wouldn't be hanging on to a thread of life if I was here."
"James, don't you hear what we're saying? Don't you know we feel the same?" Sol said. "We all feel responsible, James. We all feel the weight of it on our shoulders."
"But it's not your fault. It's mine."
"James, it's not your fault. You just feel the bulk of it because you love her. We all love, but you love her the most. So you feel the most responsible."
"It's all my fault."
"Shut up, James! Stop the goddamn self-pity kick," Sirius said, tired of hearing Jams whine. "I don't want to hear your shit anymore! I don't want to have to keep listening to your self-pity bullshit! It's not your fault, and bloody well know it!"
"It's my goddamn fault because that's how I feel and know it is."
"Exactly! You think it's your fault because you're too fucking stubborn to see it any other way! She told us it wasn't our fault!"
"She could fucking die!"
"We know! But you don't have to keep saying she jumped because of you."
"Well, she did. Do you want to know why she jumped? And it wasn't because she couldn't bear to live anymore. It was because I love her. My goddamn love made her jump. I made her jump! I forced her over that cursed edge! I might as well have picked her up and threw her out that bloody window!" For a few seconds, everybody just stared open mouthed at this revelation. They knew Lily had spoken to James before she jumped, but the hadn't known what she had said. Until now.
"James . . ." Cassandra began sympathetically. She quickly broke off as he stood up.
"Leave me alone."
"James -"
"I said, leave me alone!" James stalked off to his dormitory.
"That went over well," Peter muttered and was rewarded with a smack on the back of his head by Sirius. "Hey!"
"Do you think someone should go talk to him?" Remus thought aloud.
"I vote for Sirius," Cassandra said as she lounged lazily in a chair.
"Me? Why me?" Sirius objected.
"Because you don't bruise as easily as the rest of us do," she sneered.
"Yeah, go ahead, Sirius," Sol prompted.
"All right, all right, stop badgering me. but if I get a black eye, all of you are going to get it."
"Oh, I'm so scared!"
"You better be, Cassandra. Because it's you I'll get first," he promised then went up the stairs to James's dormitory.
"Heh, empty promises," she said carelessly.
"I HEARD THAT!"
"Of course you did," she yelled back. "I swear, he's got the biggest ears in the wizarding world. We might as well call him Dumbo," Cassandra muttered to her friends and was earned with their appreciative chuckles.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Hey, I'm sorry that was so depressing, guys. Don't get made at me!! Please, no Flamers!! Things get better, I promise!! They do get better! Good things will happen!