::Chapter Three::
Disclaimer: See below...
Link was dropped to the ground with a thud. He looked around. It was bucketing rain. He couldn't see much.
Epona was right beside him, she seemed okay. She started to scuff her hoof on the ground like she always did.
Link stood up. He was soused in rain. He picked up his shield and sword. He looked at the sky. It seemed to be about four in the morning.
He rubbed his head. "Where the Dark Realm am I?!"
He walked over to Epona. He mounted the rustic mare and they galloped off.
The rain had stopped, and Link could see. It was about nine o'clock a.m. and he could see some form of a settlement up ahead.
"Thank Farore." he said.
He galloped into the stone courtyard. He looked around. He had never seen anything so pretty. "Wow." he whispered.
"Ya narlyë?" came a voice.
Link looked in the direction the voice came from. "Huh?" he asked.
The person stared at him. It was a woman, but her ears were far less pointy than his. Why, they didn't even stick far out of her hair!
"Who are you?" Link asked. The woman was beautiful- no doubt about that.
"Lapsë." the woman replied.
"I'm Link... uhm... can you please point me in the direction of the leader here."
The woman pointed up to one of the buildings.
"Your accent is strange to me." she said, now speaking the common tongue. "Where do you come from?"
"Uhhh... Kokiri Forest... or Hyrule... whatever."
The lady looked at Link quizzically.
"Never mind." Link said as he ran up some steps.
"...Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate-- this one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo."
Link could hear the amazed whispering of people. Why are they so amazed about a ring...? Hang on... Middle Earth?!?!?! Where the Dark Realm is that?!?!?! Link thought.
His thought were broken when a man quite close to his hiding/eavesdropping spot whispered. He sunk further back into the foliage.
"So it is true..."
"The Doom of Men." someone whispered on the other side of Link.
"It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring?"
Link was confused now. What in Hyrule are they talking about?! Oh well. Better stay still and listen.
The man continued; "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay - by the blood of our people-- all your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"
"You cannot wield it! None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master." Another man spoke now, from across the balcony.
Who's Sauron? Is Ganondorf here and going by a different name?
"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" the first man said with a tone of contempt in his voice.
Another man stood up. "This is no mere ranger." he said defencivly. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."
"Aragorn? This... is Isildur's heir?"
Who in Hyrule is Arathorn?!?!
"And heir to the throne of Gondor."
Where the heck is Gondor?!?!
"Havo dad Legolas"
What does 'Havo dad' mean?!? Where in Hyrule am I?!? Am I even in Hyrule?
"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." the first man returned to his seat.
Well, it aint much of a country if it doesn't have a king is it? Link thought sarcastically
"Aragorn is right. We cannot use it." Some poncy old git was speaking now.
"You have only one choice. The ring must be destroyed." That was the man with funny eyebrows that had Link had heard first.
"What are we waiting for?" A person who had so much facial hair it wasn't funny stood up and grabbed an axe.
"ARGH!!!!" He struck his axe down to the center table, but it was repelled back by something Link couldn't see, and Facial-Hair was thrown back across the balcony. His axe was shattered.
Sucker.
"The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess."
Huh?
Eyebrows continued; "The ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."
"One of you must do this."
There was dead silence from the people.
Link thought like screaming; Why don't you, Eyebrows?! You seem to know so much!
"One does not simply walk to Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs."
What's an orc?
"There is evil there that does not sleep."
Sounds like Ganondorf.
"And the great Eye is ever watchful."
What eye?
"It is a barren wasteland..."
Sounds like the Haunted Wasteland.
"...riddled with fire and ash and dust..."
Or not.
"...the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"
"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The ring must be destroyed!"
I got the hint, man.
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?!"
Well, obviously he does, Facial-Hair.
And if we fail, what then?! What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?!"
Talk about a pessimist!
"I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!"
What's an elf? I heard the Kokiri being called that once...
Link's thoughts were broken when all of the people stood up and started to argue. He shook his head in disgust.
"Never trust an elf!" Facial-Hair yelled over everyone else.
Git.
"Do you not understand that while we bicker among ourselves, Sauron's power grows?! None can escape it!"
Thanks for that, Poncy Old Git.
"I will take it! I will take it!"
Who's this now?!
The argument faded away. Everyone turned to see who had spoken.
"I will take the ring to Mordor. Though-- I do not know the way."
Well, that might be one fly in the ointment...
"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear."
"If by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."
"And you have my bow."
"And my axe!"
What? Is this guy some pickpocketer who steals weapons?
"You carry the fates of us all little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."
Up comes this 'Gondor' again...
"Heh! Mr. Frodo is not goin' anywhere without me!"
Woah! This guy was like, right next to me the whole time!! Hang on... how fat is this dude?!?!
"No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."
Ah. Secret council.
"Wait! We're coming too!"
More short people... what do these people eat anyway?
"You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!"
That can be arranged...
"Anyway you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission, quest... thing."
"Well that rules you out Pip."
My thoughts exactly.
"Nine companions... So be it!" said eyebrows, "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"
"Great! Where are we going?"
Read my mind, short dude.
Link suddenly felt rough hands grab him. He gulped.
Oops.
He was bought out of the bushes.
"Lord Elrond! We've caught a spy!"
Eyebrows turned around. "Ya eremandu narlyë?!"
"Hang on!" Link cried, "Who the heck is this 'Sauron'?"
He looked around at the council. There were nine people standing up, including Mr. Outspoken (Boromir), Facial-Hair (Gimli), Poncy Old Git (Gandalf), Mr. No-Bath [Heck, Link could smell him from where he was – across the other side of the balcony and amongst the flowers] (Aragorn), the two shorties (Merry and Pippin), Fatso (Sam), Nancy-Pants (Legolas) and the Little-Fly-In-The-Ointment dude (Frodo).
The whole council was silent as they looked at the 'spy'.
"By Elbereth..." Mr. Outspoken whispered. All the elves cringed as the name was used in vain. "Who in the Dark Realm wears clothes like that?!"
Nancy-Pants flicked his hair. "Oh, I dunno, I kinda like it..."
"Shuddup Mr Elf Sir," Fatso said. "He could be dangerous. See his shield, they aren't elvish markings, I'll wager."
"Well done Sam." Little-Fly-In-The-Ointment dude said. "They aren't. Where do you come from?"
"Hyrule!!! If it makes any difference to you, I come from Hyrule!!! I don't know where I am, I suppose this could be some place like Termina or Labrynna I'm always hearing about, but I was sent here by Zelda, and I just wanna go home!!!!!!" Link wailed.
There was stunned silence.
"Uhm. Okay." Eyebrows said.
"Where is this?"
"Rivendell. You should know that, Sauron would've told you." Fatso scowled at him.
"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm no %#$$ agent of this %#$$ Sauron!!! I'm lost and I need help!!!"
"I could've told you that." Mr. Outspoken lived up to his name... again. "Are you a cross-dresser or something? I haven't met many people who wear dresses before..."
"Get it through your thick skull, Mr. Outspoken!! This is a TUNIC. TU – NIC. Got it?!"
Eyebrows was rubbing his temple and saying mild curses in elvish.
One of the people who grabbed him attempted to take his sword.
"Oi! Hands off the merchandise!!"
"Auta miqula yrch." the elf whispered.
"Good for you, Apple-Pie." Link said sarcastically.
"Who are you then?" Poncy Old Git asked.
"My name is Link."
"Just Link?"
"Yeah. Kokiri don't have last names as far as I am aware of."
"What's a Kokiri?" one of he short ones asked.
"A Child of the Forest."
"Do you come from Mirkwood?"
"No! Kokiri Forest!"
"Where's Kokiri Forest?"
"Hyrule."
"Where's Hyrule?"
"In Hyrule."
"It's imploded?!" Mr. No-Bath said, rather worried.
"No! The land of Hyrule is in the world of Hyrule!"
"But where's Hyrule?"
"I don't know."
"You must know, you came from there."
"But I don't know where it is from here."
"Why?"
"Because I was supposed to be sent back in time to before the Imprisoning War by Zelda, but she made a mistake and I was sent here, but Sagas don't make mistakes so she must have sent me here on purpose, the $%#!!!!"
Everyone seemed rather taken aback by this sudden outburst.
"Uhm. Okay." Eyebrows said.
"Can you help me?" Link could tell Mr. Outspoken was fighting the urge to say something like; No, and I don't think anyone can.
"No. But maybe the lady Galadriel can." All the elves nodded in agreement and reverence.
"Who?"
"She is the fair lady who dwells in fair Lothlórien."
"Uhm. Good for her." Link said.
"I come from there." a voice came from outside the council area.
"Haldir, how many eavesdroppers must we have today?" Eyebrows said as another elf walked onto the balcony.
"I just heard the fair name of Lothlórien and I wondered... Woah! Where did you get the skirt?" Haldir said, laughing.
"Can't anyone understand?!?!?! This is a $#% TUNIC. TU – NIC. Got it?!" Link then turned to Haldir. "What?" he asked because Haldir was staring at him in the weirdest way. "Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Dolle naa lost" Haldir shook his head in disgust at Link's choice of language.
"Eru have mercy." Eyebrows rubbed his temples again.
"Who's Eru?" Link asked.
Eyebrows looked up. "Eru is the Creator. The Maker. The First and the Last."
"Why are you asking her to help you? As far as I'm concerned, Din, Nayru or even my goddess mother, Farore couldn't give a..."
The elves stopped their ears as Link let fly some more cusses.
"...about me."
"Eru is a male." Eyebrows looked at Link sarcastically.
"Whatever. How do I get to this Galadriel lady?"
"Well, you could go with Haldir, when he leaves..."
Haldir turned purple as he chocked on his own spit. Link wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect of traveling with Haldir either.
"...or you could go with the Fellowship."
"Yeah. They'll do."
Frodo started to bang his head on the nearest wall.
"Hey man, I'm not thrilled at having to travel with," he pointed at the four hobbits, "People who look like mutated versions of the Kokiri," Then at Legolas, "Or tall versions of the Kokiri," Aragorn and Boromir, "People who never seem to take baths and," Gandalf and Gimli, "Someone who must go through five bottles of shampoo in one sitting."
All the Fellowship looked at Link in distain.
This is going to be a really long journey. Link thought.
Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda or Lord of the Rings. Wish I did though... The creator of this WONDERFUL game is v. nice to let us fool around in his world. Also, I wonder what Tolkien would think if he knew I was screwing up his world like this...? He's probebly rolling in his grave. Poor guy. Also, I borrowed the script from a site called "Ash on my Tomato". It belongs to New Line Cinema and blah blah blah...
R&R Please!