Hello, faithful readers. If you are reading this, it means that
Fanfiction.net is finally cooperating with me and allowing me to upload
this damn thing. First I couldn't upload it because AOL was screwed up.
Then I couldn't upload because my computer screwed up. Then I couldn't
upload because I screwed my computer up even more trying to fix it. Then I
couldn't upload because my computer crashed. Then, after I fixed the
computer, Fanfiction.net was deciding not to like me and not letting me
upload. And now, I suppose I can upload. Okay, now that I'm done rambling .
. . On with the story!
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"Hey, Lils. What's the matter?" Sirius asked as he sat down next to Lily in the Great Hall. He had noticed that she hadn't eaten anything and was rather worried.
Lily just shrugged.
"Did you and James get into a fight?"
Lily shook her head.
"You've been avoiding him since Christmas night."
Lily shrugged again and played with her food.
"Come one, tell me what's wrong. The Mystical and Magical Sirius can solve all your problems."
"Nothing's wrong," Lily said, her voice devoid of all emotion. She finally looked up and saw genuine concern in Sirius's face.
"You sure, Lils?"
"Yeah. I - I just need to be alone."
"I'll take that as my cue to leave," Sirius said with a smile and got up. "See ya later."
"Sirius?" Lily said stopping him. "Could you ask James to meet me in the Head Lounge after Potions?"
"Sure, Lils."
"Thanks, Sirius."
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily figured Potions would be horrible and unbearable. Normally, Lily didn't mind the time spent with the Slytherins, but ever since she'd been going out with James, the period had become a horror. And today she was paired with Severus Snape, James's worst enemy and Professor Hostis's favorite student. She didn't expect it to be a good class. But, she may be proved wrong. She was just as bad at Divination as Professor Trelawney was.
"So, Lily, have you and James broken up?" Snape asked casually as they made the potion.
"Why is everybody suddenly concerned with my relationship with James?" Lily wondered irritably, struggling to keep her voice low. "And no, we didn't break up or have a fight."
"Oh," Snape said, sounding rather disappointed. For awhile they worked in an uncomfortable silence until Snape cleared his throat. Lily looked up and saw a murderous look on his face. "Lily . . ."
"Yes, Severus?" Lily answered, eager to see what had gotten him so worked up. She had never seen him so angry, except when he looked at James, but that was expected.
"If James hurts you. I'll get him for you."
"He won't hurt me."
"Yes, he will. He won't be able to help it. You deserve better, but I'm not going to try and break you up. But if he hurts you, come to me."
"Thank you, Severus. Thank you for caring," Lily said and laid a soft hand on his arm. They went back to work in a silence once again, only this time a comfortable one until the period ended.
"Class! I want you and your partner to complete a two parchment essay about the Forgetful Potion, due next week. Dismissed," Professor Hostis said sharply.
"Lily, do you think we could meet tonight in the library to work on the essay?" Snape asked as they picked up.
"Sure . . . oh, no! I can't! I'm sorry, Severus, but how about tomorrow after dinner," Lily said, remembering that she had to meet with James.
"Okay. I'll see you then, Lily," Severus said as they left the room and parted ways. Lily made her way to the Head's Lounge. Severus really wasn't as bad as everybody made him out to be. He was actually rather . . . nice, despite the fact that he was a Slytherin. And rather skanky. But he was nice. They might even be able to become friends, Lily thought with a slight smile.
"Pulchra Fols," Lily said to the field of flowers and the picture swung open. Lily was still smiling when she saw James pacing in front of the fire. He looked up and seeing her smile, scowled.
"What are you so happy about? Talking to Snape, were you?" James said accusingly.
"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?" Lily asked cautiously as she put down her books on a table next to the couch.
"Yes."
"Oh, really?" Lily replied coldly. "And why is there a problem here?"
"I don't want you hanging around him."
"And why not? He's my Potions partner. We have to work together." Lily didn't like the way this conversation was heading.
"Because he's . . . I just don't want you hanging around him. Snape hangs out with a bad crowd."
"I'll hand out with whomever I want to. You have no control over me," she announced stiffly. She most definitely did not like where this conversation was heading.
"And I don't want you drooling over any other guys when we're together," James said, ignoring her comment. "I saw you and Snape today. You were hanging all over him."
"I was not!"
"You were to! I have eyes, Lily! You were practically on Snape's lap!"
"You're delusional, James! Why would I go for another guy? You're bad enough!"
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said! All you do is order me about. Telling me what to do, whom to hang out with. Soon enough you'll be telling me I can't hang out with Sol and Remus because of something that happened months ago!" Lily screamed, practically in James's face. Oh, she was furious. "And I'm not going to stand aside and take whatever you dish out, Potter! I deserve better!" Lily spun and stalked towards the exit. James caught up to her and grabbed her arms. "Get your filthy hands off me!" she yelled, trying to pull out of his grasp. James simply picked her up and threw her down on the couch. "Let me up!"
"No! You're not going to walk away from this! Sit still!" James demanded through clenched teeth. Lily kept squirming and tried to get up. Just as she was about to scream, James covered her mouth with his hand. Lily took the opportunity and chomped down on his hand and was satisfied to taste blood. Hastily, he let go and brought his wounded hand to his lips. Lily's eyes were bright with fury, triumph and tears.
"You're just like my father. Might is right. I'm just some dumb female, so you think you can order me about with slaps and bruises. Well, I'm not like my mother. I won't meekly stand by and do what I'm told. You know where to find me when you're ready to apologize. Oh," Lily said before she left the room, "I hope I left a scar." Saying this Lily quickly exited the Head's Lounged and left James with his bleeding hand and shocked eyes.
What had just happened? James wondered as he sat in the Head's Lounge. Lily hadn't broken up with him, thank goodness, but she had bitten him. It probably would leave a scar.
"Damn, what am I supposed to do?" he asked himself. Lily's words rang through his head: You know where to find me when you're ready to apologize. "Apologize? Apologize for what?" The his own words came back to him: You were all over him! you were practically on Snape's lap! "Well, she did have her hand on him."
So what?
"So she shouldn't have touched him."
Why not? Is she not allowed to touch other guys? She can't give Sirius or Remus or Peter friendly hugs?
"No! Yes! I don't know!"
Make up your mind, Jamsie-poo.
"Maybe I overreacted a little."
A little?
"Okay, maybe I overreacted a lot. But she didn't have to yell at me like that."
And what was she supposed to do? Just stand there and take your accusations? Remember her past. You acted just like her father. Is that what you want? A woman who will succumb to your every will? And is that what you want to become? A filthy woman beater?
"No. Definitely not."
So what are you going to do now?
"I guess I'll apologize," James sighed.
Good boy.
James made his way to the Gryffindor common room, prepared to beg for Lily's forgiveness, if need be. On his knees.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily was so infuriated. This was the second time - the goddamn mother fucking second time - James had ordered her about like some type of - of street urchin! Lily Evens would be no man's slave. Especially not James Harold Potter's. He acted like he was goddamn royalty. He acted like he was the king of the world and everybody should bow down before him on gracious knees. Well, not this witch. Oh, no. Definitely not this witch. Lily stalked down the hall, glaring at all who got in her way. She gleefully searched her mind for the perfect curse to put on James. He deserved the worst she could think of. Her fingers itched to pick up her wand and curse someone - anyone. She finally reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and grumpily said the password.
Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sol start to call out to her, but Cassandra stopped her. Lily walked right past them and up to her dormitory not even stopping to say hello. Cassandra watched her the entire time with eager curiosity. She was the only one who had ever seen Lily in such a state, and it didn't bode well for the other party. All she knew that whoever had made Lily this angry had better apologize soon. And make it real good.
Lily slammed her door shut and paced the room for a full minute, but she couldn't contain herself. Suddenly, she stopped pacing and clenched her hands into tights fists and raised them high over her head. She let out a murderous yawp (A/N: I borrowed that nifty word from Dead Poet's Society. Awesome book and movie.) and all the objects in the room levitated. Panting for breath, she fell on her bed as it fell back to its rightful place and cried. She cried more than she had ever cried before. And she thoroughly damned James Harold Potter to hell and most definitely not back again.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
James took a deep breath and knocked on Lily's door. He had heard the scream minutes before and he realized that this wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be hell. Hesitantly, he knocked again.
"Who is it?" he heard Lily ask miserably through the door.
"It's James."
"What do you want?" He could here the stiffness in her voice even through the door. Yeah, it was going to be hell all right.
"Could I come in? Please?" After a moment, James heard bedsprings creak and someone - Lily - walk towards the door. She unlocked and opened it. James went in without saying a word. He noticed she kept her face hidden.
"Well . . ." Lily prompted, tapping her foot.
"I - uh - well, I -"
"Spit it out, Potter," Lily said impatiently.
James ran his hands through his hair. He really hated having to apologize, but he understood it was completely necessary. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said. I had no right to say or suspect what I did. I - I'm just sorry. Please forgive me," he pleaded. Lily finally looked directly at him and James saw she had been crying. And it made him feel horrible. He had made Lily cry. God, he was a bloody horrible human being. He wanted to reach out and touch her hair to try to comfort her, but his arms felt like dead weight against his sides. He waited in hope that his apology had worked.
"I forgive you," Lily said softly.
"You do? Truly?" The relief was evident in James's face.
"Yes. I do." James sighed and moved to hug her, but Lily backed away. When he looked at her with a puzzled glance, she simply shook her head. "I still have to think."
"Think? About what?"
"About us. About where we stand."
"I love you."
"I know. But I - I don't know what I feel for you. And, as I've said before, I don't want to hurt you. So I need to think."
"You love me. I know you do."
"You know more than I do. I have to think."
"All right. And Lily?" James said before he closed the door. "Think fast."
As soon as the door shut behind James, Lily sighed. God, what was she going to do? She couldn't be - no, it couldn't be happening. It was too unreal to be true. Lily - sensible, smart Lily Evens - could most definitely not be in love with James - feckless, foolish James Potter. James couldn't be right. It just couldn't be true.
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"Hey, Lils. What's the matter?" Sirius asked as he sat down next to Lily in the Great Hall. He had noticed that she hadn't eaten anything and was rather worried.
Lily just shrugged.
"Did you and James get into a fight?"
Lily shook her head.
"You've been avoiding him since Christmas night."
Lily shrugged again and played with her food.
"Come one, tell me what's wrong. The Mystical and Magical Sirius can solve all your problems."
"Nothing's wrong," Lily said, her voice devoid of all emotion. She finally looked up and saw genuine concern in Sirius's face.
"You sure, Lils?"
"Yeah. I - I just need to be alone."
"I'll take that as my cue to leave," Sirius said with a smile and got up. "See ya later."
"Sirius?" Lily said stopping him. "Could you ask James to meet me in the Head Lounge after Potions?"
"Sure, Lils."
"Thanks, Sirius."
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily figured Potions would be horrible and unbearable. Normally, Lily didn't mind the time spent with the Slytherins, but ever since she'd been going out with James, the period had become a horror. And today she was paired with Severus Snape, James's worst enemy and Professor Hostis's favorite student. She didn't expect it to be a good class. But, she may be proved wrong. She was just as bad at Divination as Professor Trelawney was.
"So, Lily, have you and James broken up?" Snape asked casually as they made the potion.
"Why is everybody suddenly concerned with my relationship with James?" Lily wondered irritably, struggling to keep her voice low. "And no, we didn't break up or have a fight."
"Oh," Snape said, sounding rather disappointed. For awhile they worked in an uncomfortable silence until Snape cleared his throat. Lily looked up and saw a murderous look on his face. "Lily . . ."
"Yes, Severus?" Lily answered, eager to see what had gotten him so worked up. She had never seen him so angry, except when he looked at James, but that was expected.
"If James hurts you. I'll get him for you."
"He won't hurt me."
"Yes, he will. He won't be able to help it. You deserve better, but I'm not going to try and break you up. But if he hurts you, come to me."
"Thank you, Severus. Thank you for caring," Lily said and laid a soft hand on his arm. They went back to work in a silence once again, only this time a comfortable one until the period ended.
"Class! I want you and your partner to complete a two parchment essay about the Forgetful Potion, due next week. Dismissed," Professor Hostis said sharply.
"Lily, do you think we could meet tonight in the library to work on the essay?" Snape asked as they picked up.
"Sure . . . oh, no! I can't! I'm sorry, Severus, but how about tomorrow after dinner," Lily said, remembering that she had to meet with James.
"Okay. I'll see you then, Lily," Severus said as they left the room and parted ways. Lily made her way to the Head's Lounge. Severus really wasn't as bad as everybody made him out to be. He was actually rather . . . nice, despite the fact that he was a Slytherin. And rather skanky. But he was nice. They might even be able to become friends, Lily thought with a slight smile.
"Pulchra Fols," Lily said to the field of flowers and the picture swung open. Lily was still smiling when she saw James pacing in front of the fire. He looked up and seeing her smile, scowled.
"What are you so happy about? Talking to Snape, were you?" James said accusingly.
"Yes. Is there something wrong with that?" Lily asked cautiously as she put down her books on a table next to the couch.
"Yes."
"Oh, really?" Lily replied coldly. "And why is there a problem here?"
"I don't want you hanging around him."
"And why not? He's my Potions partner. We have to work together." Lily didn't like the way this conversation was heading.
"Because he's . . . I just don't want you hanging around him. Snape hangs out with a bad crowd."
"I'll hand out with whomever I want to. You have no control over me," she announced stiffly. She most definitely did not like where this conversation was heading.
"And I don't want you drooling over any other guys when we're together," James said, ignoring her comment. "I saw you and Snape today. You were hanging all over him."
"I was not!"
"You were to! I have eyes, Lily! You were practically on Snape's lap!"
"You're delusional, James! Why would I go for another guy? You're bad enough!"
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said! All you do is order me about. Telling me what to do, whom to hang out with. Soon enough you'll be telling me I can't hang out with Sol and Remus because of something that happened months ago!" Lily screamed, practically in James's face. Oh, she was furious. "And I'm not going to stand aside and take whatever you dish out, Potter! I deserve better!" Lily spun and stalked towards the exit. James caught up to her and grabbed her arms. "Get your filthy hands off me!" she yelled, trying to pull out of his grasp. James simply picked her up and threw her down on the couch. "Let me up!"
"No! You're not going to walk away from this! Sit still!" James demanded through clenched teeth. Lily kept squirming and tried to get up. Just as she was about to scream, James covered her mouth with his hand. Lily took the opportunity and chomped down on his hand and was satisfied to taste blood. Hastily, he let go and brought his wounded hand to his lips. Lily's eyes were bright with fury, triumph and tears.
"You're just like my father. Might is right. I'm just some dumb female, so you think you can order me about with slaps and bruises. Well, I'm not like my mother. I won't meekly stand by and do what I'm told. You know where to find me when you're ready to apologize. Oh," Lily said before she left the room, "I hope I left a scar." Saying this Lily quickly exited the Head's Lounged and left James with his bleeding hand and shocked eyes.
What had just happened? James wondered as he sat in the Head's Lounge. Lily hadn't broken up with him, thank goodness, but she had bitten him. It probably would leave a scar.
"Damn, what am I supposed to do?" he asked himself. Lily's words rang through his head: You know where to find me when you're ready to apologize. "Apologize? Apologize for what?" The his own words came back to him: You were all over him! you were practically on Snape's lap! "Well, she did have her hand on him."
So what?
"So she shouldn't have touched him."
Why not? Is she not allowed to touch other guys? She can't give Sirius or Remus or Peter friendly hugs?
"No! Yes! I don't know!"
Make up your mind, Jamsie-poo.
"Maybe I overreacted a little."
A little?
"Okay, maybe I overreacted a lot. But she didn't have to yell at me like that."
And what was she supposed to do? Just stand there and take your accusations? Remember her past. You acted just like her father. Is that what you want? A woman who will succumb to your every will? And is that what you want to become? A filthy woman beater?
"No. Definitely not."
So what are you going to do now?
"I guess I'll apologize," James sighed.
Good boy.
James made his way to the Gryffindor common room, prepared to beg for Lily's forgiveness, if need be. On his knees.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
Lily was so infuriated. This was the second time - the goddamn mother fucking second time - James had ordered her about like some type of - of street urchin! Lily Evens would be no man's slave. Especially not James Harold Potter's. He acted like he was goddamn royalty. He acted like he was the king of the world and everybody should bow down before him on gracious knees. Well, not this witch. Oh, no. Definitely not this witch. Lily stalked down the hall, glaring at all who got in her way. She gleefully searched her mind for the perfect curse to put on James. He deserved the worst she could think of. Her fingers itched to pick up her wand and curse someone - anyone. She finally reached the portrait of the Fat Lady and grumpily said the password.
Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sol start to call out to her, but Cassandra stopped her. Lily walked right past them and up to her dormitory not even stopping to say hello. Cassandra watched her the entire time with eager curiosity. She was the only one who had ever seen Lily in such a state, and it didn't bode well for the other party. All she knew that whoever had made Lily this angry had better apologize soon. And make it real good.
Lily slammed her door shut and paced the room for a full minute, but she couldn't contain herself. Suddenly, she stopped pacing and clenched her hands into tights fists and raised them high over her head. She let out a murderous yawp (A/N: I borrowed that nifty word from Dead Poet's Society. Awesome book and movie.) and all the objects in the room levitated. Panting for breath, she fell on her bed as it fell back to its rightful place and cried. She cried more than she had ever cried before. And she thoroughly damned James Harold Potter to hell and most definitely not back again.
~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*
James took a deep breath and knocked on Lily's door. He had heard the scream minutes before and he realized that this wasn't going to be easy. It was going to be hell. Hesitantly, he knocked again.
"Who is it?" he heard Lily ask miserably through the door.
"It's James."
"What do you want?" He could here the stiffness in her voice even through the door. Yeah, it was going to be hell all right.
"Could I come in? Please?" After a moment, James heard bedsprings creak and someone - Lily - walk towards the door. She unlocked and opened it. James went in without saying a word. He noticed she kept her face hidden.
"Well . . ." Lily prompted, tapping her foot.
"I - uh - well, I -"
"Spit it out, Potter," Lily said impatiently.
James ran his hands through his hair. He really hated having to apologize, but he understood it was completely necessary. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said. I had no right to say or suspect what I did. I - I'm just sorry. Please forgive me," he pleaded. Lily finally looked directly at him and James saw she had been crying. And it made him feel horrible. He had made Lily cry. God, he was a bloody horrible human being. He wanted to reach out and touch her hair to try to comfort her, but his arms felt like dead weight against his sides. He waited in hope that his apology had worked.
"I forgive you," Lily said softly.
"You do? Truly?" The relief was evident in James's face.
"Yes. I do." James sighed and moved to hug her, but Lily backed away. When he looked at her with a puzzled glance, she simply shook her head. "I still have to think."
"Think? About what?"
"About us. About where we stand."
"I love you."
"I know. But I - I don't know what I feel for you. And, as I've said before, I don't want to hurt you. So I need to think."
"You love me. I know you do."
"You know more than I do. I have to think."
"All right. And Lily?" James said before he closed the door. "Think fast."
As soon as the door shut behind James, Lily sighed. God, what was she going to do? She couldn't be - no, it couldn't be happening. It was too unreal to be true. Lily - sensible, smart Lily Evens - could most definitely not be in love with James - feckless, foolish James Potter. James couldn't be right. It just couldn't be true.