Title: Pain
Author: Sassy
Rating: PG
Pairing: Chris/Meg. Beth/JJ undertones.
Disclaimer; I don't own these characters. NBC does.
Summary: Meg spent her whole life trying to escape her plastic bubble, but now all she wanted was to have it back. Angsty story after finding out JJ is missing.
Pain
Pain. She's not used to feeling it; she's always led this sheltered, happy life that seemed untouched by the real world. She had always wanted to escape her bubble prison to see what life was really like. She knew that life wasn't always flowers and candy, but she had wanted to experience that. Now there was nothing more that she would like than to be locked back into that protective bubble without any real pain again. She knew how naïve she had been to wish to be free. She had been free and happy, carefree in her safe little world. Everything she used to feel seemed trivial now - her passion against the war, her typical feelings of teenage angst was useless and pathetic. He was gone now, not much older than she was. He was gone, dead, alone, murdered. He would never come home to her again to hug her or their siblings. He would never see his baby or kiss his ex-fiancée again. He didn't have a chance to live past the age of twenty. He had escaped the bubble just as she had, but he hadn't been able to experience life. That chance had been taken from him. Now she just wanted to hide away from everything because he no longer could.
She felt so selfish; everything she had done was worthless and self-indulgent. Her big brother's life had been taken in a war the country shouldn't have even been fighting. JJ had been noble, a character trait that obviously wasn't genetic or else she wouldn't be there sulking in her bed, mourning the loss of her innocent obliviousness. She felt so helpless to stop the angry pain that surged through her every time she blinked back a tear. She felt lost without the hope that her brother would be home soon to help guide her through life. She felt vulnerable and unsafe with nothing there to keep her in her bubble of happiness and she was confused by it.
It was late now as the snow flitted over the Philadelphia night sky, making the world seem like a snow globe. A peaceful happy scene captured in a plastic bubble. The night was quiet as it usually was on cold, snowy nights. It was as if noise was afraid of disturbing the picturesque scene. Not everything was picturesque, of course, except on the outside. Her mother half-asleep with a cigarette dangling from her hand as the smoke twirled in tendrils in the air as tears fell from her eyes. Not Beth lying in bed talking to JJ's baby about the father the child would never know. Not little Will curled up in a ball in his bed, unable to fall asleep due to the tears that refused to stop dripping from his eyes as he tried to process what it meant that his big brother was missing-in-action. Not Patty ripping down pushpins from her map on the wall, unaware that she had pricked her fingers with the sharp needle because feeling was no longer an option for her. And definitely not her father disappearing into the night after fighting with her mother about JJ being gone. Nothing was picturesque about the Pryor household anymore.
She snuck quietly down the steps to find her thick winter coat. Her father had left, so she could too. She watched her mother from the doorway, feeling slightly guilty, but she pushed those feelings back. There was no room for any emotion except for anger and pain. She slid out the door without her mother noticing, not that Helen would have really noticed even if she had thrown a parade to follow her on the way outside in the grief-stricken stupor Helen had sunk into.
She walked on the freshly fallen snow, her small footprints leaving a trail behind her, marring the perfection of the scene. She stood in the middle of her yard and allowed the frigid feeling of snow spread over her. She liked the feeling of the cold wetness on her warm skin because it made her feel something besides the pain, even if it was just cold. She stood there, unsure of why she had come outside. Her room wasn't quite a haven, but it was better than being vulnerable outside where others could see. Not that anyone was awake at the late hour. Still, as her questions ran through her brain, she stood frozen in her place outside. She stared into the streets, empty due to the time of night, waiting for something to happen, perhaps JJ driving in after a date with Beth?
She heard him coming before she saw him, his shoes crunching in the snow and leaves. Maybe he was the reason she had fled to the outside alone, but not really. He was always outside; no matter how cold or late it was. His home life wasn't any better than hers at the moment, but she knew hers hadn't always been this bad. His had. Maybe she wanted to see him with his bad boy act and gentle touch, soft voice, and undeniable kindness to comfort her in ways neither of them understood. Maybe she just wanted to feel him again.
"Meg." He said her name reverently, as if it were a holy prayer to him. It broke the silence, but her heart still broke at the way he said it. She was on a pedestal with him, yet he pushed her to be more than she was. He didn't think she was perfect, just that she was better than him. She was passionate; she just didn't know how to display it appropriately. She didn't even understand the depth of emotions she could feel and he made her see them. And she made him see his own range of emotions that he had hidden for so long.
She turned to him and saw his knowing gaze. He pulled her gently to him before she could react and began to kiss her softly. She responded immediately and let the warmth spread over her instead of the wet winter air. His kiss seemed to be the only thing that took away her pain, even if it was momentary. He wasn't demanding in his kiss; it seemed to be the only thing he knew how to do to comfort her. He didn't know what to say to her, didn't know how to stop her from wanting to cry. He didn't realize that just hearing his voice helped soothe her nerves. She let herself fall into him, put her trust into him as he kissed her in the middle of the night on the lawn outside her cookie cutter house in her not so cookie cutter existence.
She pulled away from him as she tasted her salty tears again. She hadn't even realized that she had been crying. Her face felt frozen as the air whipped around her, drying her tears into icy streaks on her face. His tenderness with her only added to her guilt and pain of JJ's death. She buried her head into the light coat he was wearing (he was too tough for a heavy one) and whispered his name back.
"Chris."
Her voice portrayed her lost feelings, but it only made him wrap his arms around her as he placed his chin on the top of her head. She knew she shouldn't feel so warm with him, not with JJ cold and dead somewhere she didn't even know. But she couldn't help it; he helped her more than he would ever understand. JJ wouldn't want her to feel so alone. JJ would want her to be happy. She couldn't feel guilty and pained her whole life. She closed her eyes and stood wrapped in his embrace. And it was at that moment that she realized that the protective bubble she had longed to be in again had found her in his arms. He stopped her from feeling so much pain, even if she was only protected for a moment.