(A/N: Thank you soo much to all of my reviewers!! I would list you all but my internet computer is in to get fixed! But thank you all so much!!! Here's Chapter 11! Happy Reading. - Brooke)
All Of This
Chapter Eleven
With All Of This I Feel Now
Katie's POV
Trying to control everything I feel at that moment is like all of the Beatles performing live in front of me right now... impossible. With everything about Freddy.. and losing Summer... am I supposed to be able to control everything that I'm feeling? I mean... are you crazy? I know I am.. or at least I'm going to be by the end of this.
Half the year had already gone by since Summer had passed away, and we were all still trying to register the fact inside. It had been a while, but I can still feel that feeling of greatness when Freddy and Zack came to join in the performance at the funeral that I'd like to call... perfection. I mean, I couldn't have asked for it to be any better. It sounded amazing. And I'm sure it felt great for Zack to take everything out when he played... we are always cured by playing music... maybe not cured, seeing as we're all still in tons of pain from everything that happened, but it helps a lot to know that you have the music with you when you feel like you have nothing else.
I knew that I had Freddy... but it was almost like I didn't want to have something that I didn't deserve.. and I felt like I didn't deserve him. For the reasons that I don't know... but I still knew that I loved him. I never would stop loving him and I'm sure this is all already obvious. He was there for me the entire time through everything with Summer and everything just felt- right. But... I don't know if I'll be able to face it anymore. Face the fact that it will never be the same between us.
No POV
Freddy and Katie sat alone on Katie's couch late on a Saturday night watching some movie that they had no idea existed. As much as they both tried to make things between them feel like they used to and make everything go back to normal, they knew it just wasn't possible.
Katie's parents were gone for the next two weeks on business, and she was left to live on her own for a while. It had been around 2 days since they had left and Freddy had been coming over to give her company and try to take her mind off Summer, which was still nearly impossible. All that Katie could think about was Summer...
"Well, it's gettin pretty late, my parents probably want me home soon..." he said, as he stood up off the couch around 11:30. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he said as she stood up as well.
She nodded quietly as Freddy could tell that she wasn't looking forward to being alone all this time, and that she didn't like it either. Especially at this time, she needed someone with her.
"Kay, do you wanna come home with me?" he asked her as she looked up from the ground that seemed to keep her stare as she looked at him, and gave him a slight smile and a nodd. She grabbed her bag and her keys as they both put on their shoes and went out the door, Katie locking it behind him.
As they walked down the street, the cool air seemed to make them both shiver, as Freddy slipped his arm around her shoulder to try and keep her warm. She sighed quietly, almost a sigh of relief that she was going to be with Freddy, but not exactly considering how she was feeling about things with Freddy. 'He's trying to make it like it was... and it'll never be like that,' she thought to herself as they walked down the sidewalk finally making it to his house.
They walked in as Katie immediately walked up to Freddy's room as he told his parents about Katie.
"Can she please just stay with us for a while? Her parents are away for two weeks.. she's all alone. With everything that has happened with Summer, she can't be alone.. please?" he asked as his parents looked at each other.
"Fine, but Freddy, make sure she stays in the guest room, okay?" his mom asked.
"I will.." he said, grinning that they approved as he said thank-you and walked up to his room to find Katie sitting on his bed just staring at the floor. He walked over to her and sat down beside her to see a few tears falling from her eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked, pushing her hair behind her ears that seemed to cover her face.
She looked him in the eye, and he now noticed that her cheeks were covered with tears, "It can't be the same.. it won't, Freddy... too much has happened it won't ever be like it was... you notice that, don't you?" she asked him.
He took a while to think about what she had said, and to think of a response. "I don't care if it was like before, or if it's not... what I care about is that I am with you and that I don't have to act like the person everybody thought I was for the past year anymore. I can be myself... and I like who I am when I'm with you," he said, as he wiped a tear away off of her cheek as he graced her chin and looked deep into her eyes, "I love you... Katie," he said as she just stared at him.
She thought it over and over in her head if she wanted to say it to him, if she wanted to tell him that she had always loved him and never stopped loving him... but then she thought about what had happened between them and that she wanted it to be like how it was before, but it never would and they both knew that. She was so scared of telling him, terrified... "I love you, too, Freddy..." but she didn't care.
He smiled as he gently kissed her. She had waited one and a half years for him to do that, and it felt exactly like she thougth it would... right. The entire time, she just wanted things to feel right... and they did.
That night, Freddy and Katie sat in Freddy's room for the longest time just trying to embrace the feeling that they felt when they were together like it would never end. Freddy had lent her a pair of his pajama bottoms and one of his big ac/dc t-shirts. Soon enough, Katie had fallen asleep in his arms and Freddy knew that she wasn't supposed to be sleeping in his room. He picked her up in his arms and carried her into the guest room. He pulled the covers up around her chin and kissed her on the forehead.
"Night Katie... I love you," he said quietly.
"I love you, too..." she said quietly as she was woken from her sleep. He smiled and turned the light off as he walked out of the room.
'Why can't everyday be like this? Why can't we always have moments like these? Why can't we live that life that we've always wanted to live together?' Katie asked herself. She thought the entire night over about it, and wanted to keep that feeling that she felt when she knew she was safe with Freddy forever. In some ways, though, she felt as if she wasn't even there anymore... she wasn't on earth, she wasn't alive... she felt like she would be gone with Summer forever.
In the middle of the night, Katie woke up due to her thoughts that would often wake her out of her sleep. The thing that was bothering her was that, she couldn't stop thinking. Seeing as music was the one thing that could usually take her mind of things, she walked up to the stereo in the corner of the guest room and turned it on. The fact that her favourite song in the entire world was on- and Summer's too- seemed to take her mind off all the bad thoughts and everything that she was thinking about and the song just let her... remember.
Hope dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine ahead has caught my eye
and roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am
Zack Mooneyham sat up in his bed and looked over at his clock- 2:47 am. He flicked the switch to his radio to hear the song. He sat silently until he couldn't hold in his silence any longer. His silence that kept him away from his friends at school, from his parents, his family, from feeling human. The thing was, he didn't feel like much of anybody. So there he sat, leaning against his poster-covered walls, letting everything out as the only silence that had to do with Zack Mooneyham anymore was the silence of each tear, individually sliding down his cheek.
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
and I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
Freddy Jones awoke out of his sleep to the sound of footsteps and music in the room next to his. He got out of his bed and walked over to the guest room that Katie was staying in and peered through the crack in the door. All that he saw was her head hung over her body with her head in her hands as he could see tears glistening in the moonlight as they fell to the floor. The beautiful song played as each tear fell and some that were very seldomnley seen seemed to find their way out of Freddy Jones that night. They slid down his cheek like rain in the Sahara.
so clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
oversized, and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
and rendered me so isolated
I am captivated
I am certain now that I am
Katie Brown had awoken that night to the sound of someone's voice in her ear. The voice that she had missed so much since the last time she had heard it. The voice of Summer. Very often, that same voice would awake her in her sleep to make her think that something that was so unreal, was reality. But Katie Brown only awoke on those nights to notice that something so unreal as Summer coming back to life, was only going to stay just as she thought it would everytime she dreamt about it... unreal.
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
and I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
And there Summer Hathaway sat, way up in the place people only dream of going to when they feel so down, and the place that people only fear of going to as they fear of their way of getting there. But she was there.. and she was watching. Watching as three of the people she cared most about in life were going through so much pain and anger. But she would always be up there looking over them, watching them and looking out for them when they needed it most.
so tired of the corners of your lips
part them and feel my finger tips
trace the moment for forever
defense is paper thin
just one touch and I'd be in
too deep now to ever
swim against the current
The band didn't know what they were going to do without Summer there. She was the one who tied everything together and kept everyone in place and made everything great for everyone. At band practice, things didn't feel right, as there was no arguing going on between Summer and Freddy and no whining about having to take attendance everytime they got together. There was no laughter coming from Summer as she sat with Zack when he was supposed to be playing. There were no surprise shows coming from Summer to perform her singing talent. The shows that everyone loved. There were no more fashion shows gladly organized by Summer of Billy's outrageous outfits and costumes. Things just weren't... the same. Instead, they sat in the neverending silence that seemed to overcome their lives.
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
and I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
At their concerts, they'd dedicate every single song to Summer. The band would write songs together trying to get out all their pain, anger, and sadness in one and they'd play their new songs and the great thing was... everyone seemed to love them. Sometimes, Katie would take a bass solo, Freddy on the drums, or Lawrence on the Keyboards just for Summer. But, at every single concert, gig, anything... Zack would sing this song and play for Summer just knowing that... she was listening... and she was loving it.
My hope
dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption
As the song finished, they all got out of their dazes that seemed to overcome them while they cried. It did nothing but bring all the pain and anger back making Katie remember every single thing that Summer and her had ever done together. Every moment that Zack shared with Summer. All the arguments that Freddy and Summer had shared. It brang back every single tear that they thought they were done with at the funeral, and brought back every prick of pain that they could imagine. With everything that they all felt now... Katie, Zack and Freddy knew they would still be hurting for a very, very long time... and they couldn't keep hiding it.
But, they had to realize it at some point, and I'm sure they will... they still had each other.
(A/N: I know! Its short! I think... But I'm low on ideas!!!!! I need help! lol. Any ideas please feel free to leave them. I think someone gave me a song idea or something?? I might use that and I'll look back on my reviews to let everyone know who the awesome idea came from!! So, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!! I hope you all liked this chapter for what it was, and just to let you know- the song is Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional!! It's the most awesomest (new!) song in the world! At least I think so.. so thx for all your reviews lately! Toodles. -Brooke)