God's in 7th Heaven, All's Right with the World
By Cypher
Chapter Twelve: Grieving Terror
Three weeks had passed since Simon had come out to his family. Thus far no one outside the immediate family knew. While some members, like Lucy and Robbie, had come to terms with the new situations, just about everyone else was still attempting to adjust. Mary had reached an impasse, glad that Simon was back and happy, and not really interested in the fact he was gay, only looking out for his well-being. Ruthie was actually very curious, and sometimes asked Simon a question or two about being gay.
Matt, by far, was having the hardest time adjusting to the new Simon. He knew that the new Simon was the same as the old Simon, he was just gay. It unnerved him, and Terry still rubbed him the wrong way. Of course, Robbie still rubbed him the wrong way. Maybe he just didn't like other guys entering into his siblings lives.
Eric had borrowed every book Terry owned on homosexuality and religion. When not dealing with church duties, he was often found in his study, a book to his right, the Bible to his left, both open. Eric was slowly becoming more accustomed to the relationship, and was okay with Terry and Simon together. He just wasn't completely comfortable with it.
Annie was the worst of the lot. Simon's happiness meant a lot to her. But homosexuality was something she was having a very difficult time accepting. It was a subject she had never broached with any of her children, and she had always assumed they would be straight. This was completely unknown to her, and she felt she really didn't know who her own son was. Still, she joined Eric when he consulted Lucy, Simon, or even Terry about being gay, and she tried, truly tried, to accept her son.
Simon was aware of all of these at some level. Mary had gone back to treating him like she always had, while Matt had been avoiding him. Annie spent time near him, but never said much. Eric talked to him mostly in regards to what he had been reading, trying to get his son's viewpoints. Ruthie was both annoying and supportive, so in a way she hadn't changed her attitude towards him, just altered what she did to bother him.
Robbie treated him as he always had, and was even making an effort to get to know Simon more, to be as supportive and brotherly as possible. Simon appreciated it, though he wasn't sure Robbie knew by just how much. Lucy, as before the coming out, was his rock and confidant. He wanted to go back to Matt, but Simon knew Matt wasn't ready, so he went to Lucy. Lucy didn't always know the answer, but she knew how to listen whenever she was silent. He was glad he could connect that way with one family member.
Christmas had rolled around with the usual antics. Simon got to put up the lights outside with Robbie's help, and they had opened presents Christmas Eve. Lucy picked out the cast for the Christmas scene, and this time there were no cancellations. Simon had called Terry, and the two wished each other a Merry Christmas, but due to scheduling conflicts and family obligations, neither could see each other. Simon could swear he heard Jordon in the background yelling about some drink, but Terry assured him it was just a movie.
On New Year's Eve, Terry surprised Simon with an early dinner and some cuddling time watching the stars come out. Terry had brought them to a park on the edge of Glen Oak. It was deserted because everyone was with their families or celebrating the new year. Terry wrapped his arm around Simon and just stared at the sky. For an instant, Simon saw the child in Terry, a boy who was awestruck with the magic of the night and the mysteries of the universe. Then Terry looked into Simon's eyes, and Simon could see the maturity, how the awestruck boy had grown into the teen who was before him.
Simon knew just what to say at that moment. "Terry. I...I love you."
"I know. I love you too, Simon."
They kissed after that, not like the kiss Simon had initiated when he was staying at Terry's house. This one was one of affection, one that neither party wanted to stop because they felt their souls connect, their emotions flowing through their lips into one another. One of those mystical moments when time seems to stop and everything and anything is possible.
However, that evening ended, starting the new year. 2002. Simon thought it was a big deal, but to Terry, it was just another year. A new year filled with hopes and dreams, but still just another year. They had their lives to live. It was January 11th, the first Friday after school started. Simon had wanted to go out to celebrate, a place where they could be with each other and be as affectionate as they wanted to be.
Annie and Eric didn't want them out, and to Simon's surprise, Terry agreed. In fact, the first week back had been difficult on Terry. Not only had work begun to pick up again with early morning and late night shoots, but the practice APs had been returned, and they were preparing for the next one. While Terry hadn't done poorly, he was still below the bar he had set for himself and added extra study time to his schedule.
So, when Friday came up, Terry came over with a pizza and a movie. They chatted with Simon's parents for a short bit, but ended up in the living room, eating and watching a movie called 'Metropolis.' Simon leaned against Terry, knowing the blinds and door were closed. This isn't so bad. He looked up to Terry, who, unlike Simon, was following the dialogue rather than the subtitles. This is better than I thought. I can't think of anything that could ruin this evening.
Terry reached up and stroked Simon's hair a couple times. His eyes didn't leave the screen, but his mouth twitched upward into a smile. We got through the challenge of his family. All that's left is surviving my mother. Here's hoping she stops by soon. Another part of his mind spoke up, one he dismissed to focus his attention back to the movie, the part of the mind that warns to be careful what you wish for.
~*()*~
"Hello?" Jordon's eyes widened as he heard who was on the other end of the phone. "Calm down, calm down. What happened?" His already pale complexion seemed to pale further. "Oh Gods...when can you be here?" He looked at the clock. "We'll pick up Terry from his boyfriend's house after you arrive. Right, love you too." Jordon hung up the phone and collapsed onto the couch, staring at the wall. "Oh Gods..."
~*()*~
"You know, these movies aren't as bad as I thought. I mean, before I met you, I always thought they were for kids more than anything else."
Terry shook his head. "Anime is for all ages. Would a kid understand the complexities of this movie the way you and I do?"
Simon tilted his head. "I doubt it. Well, maybe Ruthie."
Terry rolled his eyes. "Ruthie's an exception to every rule."
Simon chuckled. In the background, he heard the doorbell ring. Someone else can get it.
Terry was about to hug Simon when the doors slid open. He sighed and leaned back.
Simon looked at the door. "Mom?"
"Um, Dax, there's someone at the door for you."
Terry's brow furrowed. No one knows where Simon lives. Well, except for aniki, and while he might tell Amber, he'd have no real reason to. Standing, he headed into the entry way, followed shortly by Simon. He stopped in his tracks when he saw who was standing outside the door.
She was just under six feet tall, with the same skin complexion as Terry. Her hair color was a light tan, almost blond that was wrapped into a bun. Her hazel eyes were scanning over the occupants of the room, taking extra time to look over Simon. She appeared no older than thirty.
"O-okasan! What are you doing here?"
"Terry..."
Terry felt his heart quicken. His mother wasn't acting right. Normally she'd be full of energy, hugging him and talking so fast he could barely keep up. Either she was acting reserved so that the Camdens would be comfortable around her, or, and Terry figured this was it, something terrible had happened.
Eric leaned over to Simon. "Who's that? An old girlfriend?"
Simon blinked and stopped gazing at the woman. "No. That's his mother. At least, I think it is."
"THAT'S his mother?" Eric's eyes widened.
Annie crossed her arms and glared at her husband.
Ms. Jordon nodded at the Camdens, then looked back at Terry. "We need to go. There's something we need to talk about."
Terry caught sight of his brother outside, and became more somber. This can't be good. Can't be good at all. Terry squeezed Simon's hand, then headed for the door. "I'll see you later, Simon. This is important."
Simon nodded slightly, confused about what had just transpired. Terry always painted her as much...friendlier. What's going on?
"Simon, do you know what's going on?"
Simon shook his head, feeling his stomach turn slightly. He might not have known Terry's mother, but he recognized the worry in his boyfriend's face. "All I know is that it's urgent, and it's bad."
Eric patted his shoulder. "I'm sure it'll be fine."
Simon gave a fake smile. I'm not so sure.
~*()*~
Terry just stared at his mother, not believing what he had just heard, yet knowing it was true. "You...your sure? Wouldn't we have been notified earlier?"
"You know how he was. We were simple names and numbers to him. And I checked. He was in the process of updating who was to be notified."
Jordon sat forward. "Which means no one was called."
Terry ran a hand over his face. I never made the call. I thought we had more time. Oh God...
Jordon reached over to a bottle of clear liquid and began pouring some of it into three shot glasses.
Terry recognized the bottle. It was from Japan, a rice wine known as sake. He had a slight taste for it, but a low tolerance and never drank much. His brother took after his mother in the sense that he could have drink after drink, never getting tired of it, but quitting when necessary. The only times he himself had drunken it had been Christmas, birthdays, the divorce, and a funeral for an ex-boyfriend.
Taking a shaky breath, he took the glass and raised it, noticing his brother and mother were doing the same.
Jordon spoke first. "Mom, if you'd do the honors."
She nodded and stood, raising her glass to the air. "To Yaguchi Hidoru, one of the best and worst men alive. Brilliant in the field of science, not such a great family man. Great lover, horrible father. I think my mother put it best when he married me: here's to that old SOB." With that, she drank her sake.
Jordon and Terry raised their glasses as well, before downing their contents. Jordon slammed the glass down on the table, as did their mother. Terry set his glass to the side, He knew his family tended to gulp their drink. He liked to sip it. It went down much easier for him that way.
"Ne, Gwen?"
Gwen Jordon, their mother, looked over to her eldest son. "Hmm?"
"What was Hidoru like before you had me?"
Terry's eyebrows raised. It was a rather serious question for his brother, and not very customary of him. Maybe he's more adult than he lets on.
Gwen swallowed another glass of sake and sat back, swinging it slowly between her thumb and forefinger. "You know, I haven't thought about that time for a while."
Terry looked at the table. "Do you think you could tell us?"
Gwen looked at her younger son, the one that had grown up without his father. I guess it's time they knew. She took a deep breath, collecting her thoughts. "It was the fall in 1980, August I think. School was about to start up again, and I was thinking of my sister's wedding as well as getting my driver's license..."
~*()*~
Simon raised his hand before the door and hesitated. He knew Robbie was out, and Lucy was on the phone, and that's why he had come here. In the past, it was the one person he could go to for help and guidance. Simon knew he might not be ready, but Simon needed him. Taking a breath, he knocked.
"Come in."
Simon opened the door and shut it quietly behind him.
Matt looked up from his book, a nervous look flitting across his face a moment. "Simon. Something you need?"
Simon nodded. "I need someone to talk to...and...I want to talk to you."
Matt tensed. It was subtle, but Simon could detect it. He had admired and observed his older brother long enough to read the signals. Shaking his head, Simon turned around. "Never mind. It was dumb to think-"
"Simon, wait." Matt got up and walked over, resting a hand on Simon's shoulder.
Simon looked back over his shoulder. "Matt, if you're forcing yourself, I'll feel even worse."
Matt's eyes shifted a moment, focusing on an internal battle. He finally looked at Simon and gave him a small smile. "Come on. Let's talk."
Simon thought about leaving, but realized that he needed to talk to someone, and no matter what, he'd want to talk to Matt. Letting go of the doorknob, he headed over to the bed and sat down.
Matt grabbed the desk chair and sat across from Simon. "So..."
Simon fiddled with his hands, trying to figure out how to word everything. "It's Terry."
Matt forced himself to not betray how disturbing that name was to him. "Yes?"
Simon either didn't notice or didn't acknowledge the had the slight edge that had entered Matt's voice. "He's...he's helped me with so much, and tonight when his mom came, the look on his face...I just know something bad happened, something really bad." Simon looked at Matt. "I want to help him. Help him like he helped me. But I don't even know what it is, and unless he comes to me I probably won't find out." Simon looked back down at his hands. "What should I do, Matt? I want to help him, but I don't know how, or even what I'd be helping him with. Should I go over and find out? Should I wait for him to come to me? What should I do?"
Matt bit back the first response that came to his mind, the one where Simon should dump Terry and go back to dating girls. Stop thinking like that! You're his brother, and just because he's changed a little doesn't mean he's that different! I just have to accept that this is Simon, my little brother. And he's asking advice on helping someone he...cares...about. Matt propped his chin up on a hand. If I wanted to break them up, though, this is the time to do it. He looked over Simon's face. No. I couldn't hurt him like that, no matter how uncomfortable I feel. His mind changed its focus, trying to answer Simon's question. "What does your heart tell you to do?"
Simon blinked and looked at his brother. It wasn't the answer he was expecting. He wasn't expecting it on one level because he knew Matt wasn't comfortable with his and Terry's relationship, but also because it wasn't advice, it wasn't very guiding. "I don't know. It's torn. I mean, I want to go to him...but I also know that if something happened in our family, I would want Terry to be there for support, but not actually interfere."
"So by that thinking, you should wait till Dax comes to you."
Simon stared at his brother. Did he just endorse my relationship? "What if he doesn't come to me?"
Matt shrugged. "Ask a few questions, and if he changes the subject, it's something he doesn't want you to know."
Or something he doesn't want to burden me with. Simon smiled softly. "Thanks Matt."
"No problem." Matt stared at Simon, waiting for him to leave.
Simon sat there a few more minutes, thinking something over. "What is it about me that...that scares you?"
Matt sat up, startled at the question. "Nothing has scared me, Simon."
"Something has." Simon leaned back, watching Matt. "You avoid me, you don't really talk to me, and I have a feeling that...you don't approve or like me any more."
"Simon, you're my brother. I'll always love you-"
"I said like, Matt." Simon crossed his arms. "You can love someone, and dislike them to your heart's content. I want to know why you don't like me, why you avoid me? Is it because I'm gay? Because of Terry? What?"
Matt looked to the side, pondering the question. "You want the truth, Simon?"
Simon's brow furrowed slightly. The seriousness of the tone alerted Simon that he wasn't going to like what he heard. It could truly drive us apart. He closed his eyes. I'm tired of playing games, though. This way it'll all be out in the open. He nodded. "Yes, I want the truth."
Matt looked at Simon. "I've been avoiding you because I'm not sure what to think. I'm open minded, yes, but homosexuality is something that I was taught was wrong, and I thought I taught it to you rather well. I'm wondering if you ignored all the other lessons from me, dad, mom, the Bible, your family. So yeah, I don't approve, in fact I find the fact you're gay somewhat disgusting. Dax doesn't help much either. Not only is he gay, but there's things about him that, that just don't sit right with me. He's not someone I think my little brother should be hanging out with, much less dating. So if I've been avoiding talking and seeing you, it's because I don't trust myself, I don't think I can hide just how much this irks me."
There wasn't much malice in the voice, but it still intimidated Simon somewhat. And Simon could understand where Matt was coming from. Matt didn't know it, but Simon had gone over some of those same problems in his own head. The conclusion was inevitably the same, that he couldn't change who he was, and just because he was gay didn't change everything about him. But Terry warned me a lot of people can't see that.
Matt kept his eyes on Simon's face. "Aren't you glad you asked."
Simon felt his heartbeat speed up just slightly. It always did when Matt was upset at him. He turned his head away, still processing everything Matt had said.
Matt, however, discovered something rather surprising about himself. Now that he had said it, acknowledged just how much he disliked the situation, he felt better. No Camden feels comfortable lying or hiding the truth. As he realized this, though, he also realized that he may have just destroyed the connection he had with Simon. It had been three weeks, and everyone was starting to accept him, or at least, it seemed that way. And I go and tell him how much I hate it.
"I understand."
Matt blinked and leaned forward. "You do?"
Simon still looked away, but nodded. "I do. You and everyone don't realize that I've imagined every scenario that could happen if you found out. I thought if I imagined the worst case scenario, then reality wouldn't be as hurtful." Simon let out a weak laugh, and Matt could tell there were some unshed tears he was holding back. "The truth still hurts, but I started coming to terms with the idea you, all of you, might hate me. It's just...when you say it, it hurts more than I thought."
Matt sighed. Either Simon was laying the biggest manipulative guilt trip ever pulled, or he was truly hurt. Serves me right. And I pride myself in setting a good example for the others. Getting up, he walked over and sat next to Simon. Simon didn't move, and Matt patted his back. "Simon, you can't expect to know how it'll feel. And you can't guess our reactions. Each of us is taking it differently. I, I'm just having a really bad time with it. I kinda thought of you as my protégé, and then you go and say you're gay, and...it just felt like I failed as an older brother."
"Because homosexuality is wrong."
Matt flinched at the bitter response. "Yes, that's what we've been taught. But you're proving to all of us that it isn't necessarily a bad thing, and maybe we're the ones who've been wrong."
Simon slowly looked to his brother. His gray eyes were moist, and one or two tears had found their way down his right cheek. "But not all of you understand, not all of you welcome me." Simon shuddered. "I wanted you, especially you, to understand. You're my big brother. Terry said it best: I idolize you. If you rejected me..."
That kid figured it out? Matt wondered what else Terry had been able to deduce about Simon's relationships with the family. He still idolizes me. And I can't keep pushing him away. Making up his mind, Matt leaned forward and pulled Simon into a hug.
Simon choked on a quiet sob and hugged back, welcoming the brotherly embrace. Sure, he could hug Terry to his heart's content, but nothing could replace the comfort and security that Matt could offer.
Matt found that he didn't feel so bad about hugging a homosexual. In fact, he felt better than he had in days, knowing that Simon still looked up to him, and that he still wanted to be brothers. Maybe I could give it a better try. Simon's extended a hand, it's time I took it. "Tell you what." Matt pulled back and looked at Simon.
Simon wiped his eyes and blinked, reaching for a kleenex for his nose.
"Why don't you and I spend some time together. Get used to the new you. And maybe Dax every now and then. Maybe I'll grow more comfortable if I know him better."
Simon smiled and nodded. "Yeah, that'd be cool." He blew his nose and tried to wipe off the remaining tear streaks.
Matt chuckled and patted Simon's back. I can do this, for Simon's sake, and for my own.
~*()*~
Terry looked around the living room. It was almost six in the morning. He had fallen asleep shortly before midnight, and judging by both the mess and the number of empty sake bottles, his mother and brother had stayed up until an hour or two ago. Is it any wonder I hate nocturnal creatures? Sighing, he put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling, ignoring the urge to clean the room.
The three of them had stayed up late, the brothers listening to the stories of how their mother and father had met, the wedding, everything leading up to Jordon's, and even Terry's birth. The problem was, Terry wasn't nearly as fine as he appeared. The news had hit him like a cement truck, and while on the outside he seemed slightly upset and in control, on the inside he was crying, or screaming, or angry. He couldn't decide on a single thing except that he wasn't alright.
Now, in the past he could go to Jordon, but this was far too personal to discuss with him. When he was younger, he confided in his sensei often, but the man had retired and Terry didn't wish to burden him with his troubles. His mother, well, there was no point in even considering her. Once or twice he had gone to therapists, but he didn't want to pay a fee and take time out of his busy schedule. So what did that leave him with?
Simon was the first person that came to mind. Terry seriously considered calling him, but what would he say? He'd have to explain so much, and it might upset Simon as well. Besides, some of the feelings he felt he had to get out and dumping them on his boyfriend wouldn't be emotionally healthy for their relationship. Amber? No. She knew of the history, but she was not one for listening at great lengths without offering her own opinions. Terry needed someone to listen. Lucy popped up briefly, but Terry shook his head. Simon would be needing her more than him.
So that left him back at square one. Closing his eyes, he let his mind wander, considering getting his flute and try to play his problems away, when a thought flashed across his mind. Later he would wonder if it was his subconscious or divine inspiration, but for now he knew what he had to do.
Hurrying to his room to change into a biker's outfit, he grabbed his keys and helmet and left.
~*()*~
Eric was surprised when he heard a knock on the door. He normally wasn't at the church at seven in the morning, but he had some work to catch up on and he decided coming in early was the best way to do it. Somewhat wary, he stood and headed to the door. "Who's there?"
"Dax. Terry Dax"
That surprised Eric even more. What's he doing here? He opened the door and looked at the teen. "Simon isn't here, but-"
"I know." Terry looked at Eric. "I need to talk to you."
Eric blinked. "To...me? Not someone at your own church?"
Terry shook his head, his hair waving slightly. "No. To you. To someone who doesn't know the whole story. I need to talk to someone I can trust to keep a secret." Terry looked into Eric's eyes. "Please?"
Eric was confused, but opened the door wider. After Terry was in, Eric closed the door and sat behind his desk. Terry had already taken a seat across from him, setting his helmet and gloves down. For a moment, Eric could understand why Simon was attracted to Terry. No wonder he's a model. "So, what can I do for you?"
Terry was silent, looking around the room. Then he looked at Eric. "First, I want your word that what we discuss not be told to Simon, or anyone, if you don't mind."
Eric nodded. "Of course. Everything is confidential."
Terry glanced around the room again, rested his hands in his lap, and sighed, tugging the cuff of his outfit. "I guess to start with, yes, this does have to do with last night."
Eric raised an eyebrow. "And?"
"Dad died."
Eric rested his elbows on his desk, suddenly realizing how important this conversation was.
"You can tell Simon that much, if you want to."
Eric made a mental note of that. "So you're here...to make funeral arrangements?"
"To tell someone honestly and truthfully what I'm feeling." Terry looked up at Eric. "To start with, my relationship with my dad was...cold, at best."
Eric nodded. He remembered that from the dinner conversation and hearing snippets of Lucy and Simon's conversations.
"Anik-Jordon, last year, told me to call him, to try and make peace. You see, unlike mom, he didn't accept my orientation."
No wonder he pressed for us to accept Simon.
"But it didn't start there. Dad was there for Jordon. He stayed with Jordon, took him to work, played with him. Jordon was dad's son. Then I was born, and he vanished, leaping into the world of the labs. Sure, I'd see him every now and then, but most of the time I caught glimpses of him in the morning and night, and that's it. When the divorce came along, he was all too happy to be rid of me, but fought for Jordon." Terry looked at Eric. "He lost, but that much was obvious."
Eric frowned. He had thought Terry's father had been warmer when he had been younger.
"Jordon says dad is the one who paid for my home schooling, my martial arts classes, all that stuff. Maybe he's right, maybe not. The point is, he wasn't there. I didn't get to know my father when Jordon had. He doesn't know, but I envy him for that." Terry looked away. "I'm rarely jealous, but it's one thing that's always upset me. And then mom went back to work, and Jordon and my sensei raised me. I never saw dad. Sure, there were pictures, but I never really knew him."
Eric waited a few minutes. Terry was staring through the stained glass, obviously lost in thought, or waiting for the reverend's response. Eric had a feeling he knew what the next part of the story was. "And when you came out?"
"He practically disowned me." Terry turned back to Eric. "He's from Japan, you see, and while they're more accepting, he came from a very traditional household. That's why Jordon and I have our mom's last name. His family never accepted the marriage. So while he could marry a girl about a third his age, he couldn't stand the thought of his son being gay.
"Then came the day when I decided enough was enough and I went to see him and asked him why he didn't like me. He said he didn't like unknown variables in his equations." Terry paused at Eric's confused look. "In other words, I was the unplanned child and he didn't want me in the first place. He had only stayed with mom for the first few years to keep Jordon happy."
Eric rested his head on his hands and leaned them slightly to the side. "It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues."
Terry let out a bark of a laugh. "Yeah, I guess some would see it that way. I accepted he didn't like me, and I got over it." Terry's voice lowered, and again he stared at the stain glass. "But Jordon kept in contact, and he told me to contact dad, now that I was older, to try and resolve things, or at least thank him for paying for everything. I did in a Christmas card, and told him I'd be calling..."
Eric nodded slightly. "At least he got your card-"
"You don't get it!" Terry turned back to Eric, and this time there were tears leaking out of his eyes, dulling their golden brown color. "Last night was when we found out he died! He never got my card! He's been dead for almost four months!"
That struck Eric. He sat back, eyeing the teen as he offered a box of tissues. "Why weren't you notified?"
"Because he was changing his Will, starting with who was to be notified, except he only was able to remove our names. He never got a chance to put someone else on it." Terry sniffed, calming himself down. "I'm upset with myself for waiting for so long to try and reconcile, but I'm angry too."
"At yourself?"
Terry shook his head, almost violently, before answering in a soft voice. "Eric, he died four months ago on the eleventh."
Eric glanced at his calendar. January 11th. He did some quick math in his head, and dropped his glasses as he realized the date. "September 11th?!"
Terry nodded, not meeting Eric's face.
Eric rubbed his forehead. No wonder this is weighing so heavily.
"I've never truly hated anyone before. But...for the first time, I think I truly hated not just one person, but all those people."
Eric scooted closer, leaning forward. "Are you sure? I mean, September 11th-"
"Mom's a reporter. She knows." Terry wiped his eyes. "Every four months she receives support checks for me. When January rolled around without one, she called his lab in Kyoto. He wasn't there, and the lab asked if she knew where he was. It took her five days before she traced back where his last lecture had been."
Eric knew that answer. "New York."
"Yeah, at NYU. He was on the first plane. He probably didn't even realize what was going on, and my only consolation is that it was probably brief and painless." Terry's hands formed into fists. "But when I learned that, I...I felt something in me snap. I knew I was upset at all the unresolved stuff, and I knew that when the jerk died, I wouldn't be that hurt, but the fact that he died there..." Terry looked at Eric, fear and anger intermixed in his eyes. "When I found out, I wished I'd had the power to reach out and kill every last one of the bastards behind this. I wanted to rip their souls from wherever the hell they were and cast them into a true eternal damnation. And I realized...just how terrifying those feelings were."
Eric nodded slowly. He knew of these reactions to 9/11, but had never observed one before. And watching Terry, he knew that if the teen could, he would do exactly what he said he would. "It's not uncommon to feel something like that when someone you love dies, even if you weren't close."
"You don't get it, reverend. This was the first time I had ever wished death upon another person, and I meant it. I wanted God to strike out against the remaining people and make them suffer. I've never wished something like that, felt something like that. Not even when I learned my friend had committed suicide did I feel this much anger."
Eric sat back. He could understand on some level. Hatred was a powerful emotion, and it was good that Terry had a fear of it. "I'm glad you're talking to someone, Dax, but it sounds like you need a therapist."
Terry closed his eyes. "No, I don't. I can come to terms with not reconciling with my father. It probably wouldn't have happened, but we'll never know. I'm okay with the fact he died, though not so much with the fact no one knew or told his family in Japan or us and we had to find out so much later." Terry opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. "I'm not okay with those feelings. As someone once put it, 'this darkness that has entered my heart.'" Terry looked across the desk at Eric. "I'll cry a bit for my father, and for the families and victims, but I could give a damn about those who killed him, or their ilk. That's why I came to you."
Eric was confused again. "Why me? What can I do?"
Terry thought for a moment, then leaned forward. "You help people get over grieving. You help people recover from illness. Help me get over these feelings. Help me banish them from my mind and my heart. Reverend Camden. Help. Me."
Eric felt uncomfortable under Terry's stare, as well as his statements. How can I help him get over hatred? There's reading the Bible, but that doesn't sound like what he needs. "I'm...not sure if I can, but I'll try."
"That's all I'm asking." Terry let out a slow breath, his body relaxing against the chair. "To be honest, it helped to actually say what I was feeling. But...it's still there. It's hard to believe I'm capable of such thought."
"We all are, from time to time."
"I didn't wish that to them on 9/11. I even defended the Arab view in a debate. I was angry at the terrorists, but I never wished they were dead."
"Perhaps once you realized how personal it was, your view changed."
Terry nodded slightly. "I know other countries' views better than most, and I'd still argue the Arab position in some respects. But," Terry's eyes moved back and forth, searching for something, "but now...now I don't know who I am. Hatred is something that I grew up detesting, especially once I came out. Hatred is for the ignorant, for those who are prejudice and fearful. Hatred is what has caused homosexuals to stay in the closet, what causes wars, what God smites. Hatred was something I never experienced. And now that I have...I can't say I'm the same person I was before."
Eric nodded. He chose to ignore the insult Terry had knowingly or unkowningly made, and concentrated on what was going on. "Well, I can suggest a few readings, and I know some ways to handle it. But hatred is something that exists in everyone. You've been fortunate in that you were able to suppress it. You can probably suppress it again."
"But it got out once. What's to prevent it from escaping again?" Terry had a fearful look on his face again.
"You. Your will." Eric paused. "You know what I think might help?"
Terry waited.
I can't believe I'm saying this. "Talk to Simon."
"I can't-"
"Hear me out, Dax."
Terry went silent, eyeing the minister.
"Talk to Simon. He's very understanding, and he can help you through this. And every relationship has its problems. So you have hatred inside you that flared momentarily. I think he'll understand, especially considering the circumstances. And, I think, it'll help you suppress your hatred that much faster."
"Why?"
Eric leaned back. "Because you don't want Simon to see it, or hurt Simon with it."
Terry looked to the ground, thinking.
Eric waited. I can't believe I told him to go to Simon. It could truly cement them.
Terry stood, pulling on his gloves. "Thanks, Eric. This...has been helpful. I think you're right, though. I need to talk to Simon."
Eric nodded, noticing that Terry seemed less upset than before. "And if you need to talk again, about your dad or this, whatever, my door's open."
"I'll keep it in mind." Terry pulled on his helmet and headed out of the office.
Eric sat there, watching the door, and hearing a motorcycle take off after a few minutes. The fact that Terry came to him was a huge surprise, but revealing something like that, exposing his vulnerability, it told Eric something. He trusts me. He sat back and rubbed the bridge of his nose. I guess I need to start thinking of him as a friend. It'll certainly be interesting to see if Simon comes to chat. Brushing the details of the morning aside, he looked at his watch, then at the desk. He sighed again. Back to work.
~*()*~
Terry shifted his feet, waiting for someone to answer the door. As it turned out, it was Simon.
"Terry?" Simon stepped out. "Are you okay?"
Terry glanced back in the direction of the Camdens' church before answering. "I hope so, Simon." Terry sat on the steps, looking at his gloves.
Simon sat next to him. He patted Terry's arm. "You want to come in?"
Terry shook his head. He didn't feel like dealing with a bunch of people. "Can you come with me? I...I need to talk to you."
Simon nodded and stood. "Let me get my coat."
Terry stood as well and watched Simon run inside. He looked to the sky. Help me get past this, through Simon, Eric, anybody. Just please forgive me.
"Ready."
Terry gave a curt nod and headed for the motorcycle.
~*()*~
That evening, Eric knocked on Simon's door. He hadn't truly talked to his son in a while, and considering the hollow look at dinner, it was time to. After waiting a minute with no response, Eric entered the room.
Simon was sitting on his bed, hugging his pillow and staring at the wall.
Eric closed the door and slowly made his way over.
Simon tilted his head up. He had been crying, but was past it, and now was just upset, trying to figure things out in his mind. "Dad..."
Eric nodded. "I know." He looked at the bed sheets.
"I love you."
Eric closed his eyes. Nothing like a death to put things in perspective. "I love you too, Simon."
Simon went back to staring at the wall. "I've felt it too."
Eric sat on the bed, following Simon's line of sight. "I think we all have, at one point or another."
"I wish this hadn't happened to him. He deserves better. After everything he's helped me through...helped all those people through..."
Eric squeezed his son's shoulder. "It's time he was helped."
Simon rested his head on his pillow, his hair falling over his forehead slightly. "I'm going to help him. I'm going to be there for him, like he was for me."
"I'm glad."
Simon remained silent. "Thanks."
"For?"
"For sending him to me. And...just...everything."
Eric nodded and continued to stare along with his son. "You're welcome."
He helped me discover who I am, Simon closed his eyes, picturing Terry within his mind, I'll help him rediscover who he is.
~*()*~
~*()*~
~*()*~
Aniki: older brother
Okasan: mom, mommy, mother
Ne: hey, right
Author's Note: Hidoru is the father's first name. In Japan, it is customary to refer to someone by their family name first (in this case, Yaguchi, and let's all thank Luna for her help on that) rather than their first name first.
Author's Prattle: As I stated last chapter, there's going to be a break from this fic for a week or two. With luck, I'll have also started my second 7th Heaven fic for you readers to enjoy. Also, I'm debating whether or not to write a brief chapter/side-fic to this regarding just how Hidoru Yaguchi and Gwen Jordon met, and glimpses of their life together. Anybody want me to? Just as a reminder, 7th Heaven and its characters don't belong to me, though Terry and his family (and family circumstances) are mine. Thank you for reading and feedback is appreciated!