Author: Nemo the Everbeing
Rating: PG
Pairings: Very light S/Mc (if you blink, you'll miss it), but a quick and tiny slash warning, nonetheless, for those who don't like that sort of thing
Disclaimer: They're Gene's. I just noticed a few things.
For the Coyotes, who wondered.
AWAY MISSIONS 101
Ground Rules (memorize before proceeding on to advanced stages):
Don't laugh at the natives, no matter how tacky their costumes are, or how bad their makeup is. Chances are that they or their omnipotent god will kill you for it.
Men: Don't get all heroic and don't get too curious, especially if you happened to be wearing red. This will lead to sudden but inevitable death.
Women: Accept the fact that you will be abducted by lecherous aliens on a regular basis. At least you won't die.
If the flower is pretty, don't approach it. It will inevitably hit you with poisoned barbs or spray you with HornyPowder ™. This, then, is only advisable if the object of your desires happens to be near (especially if that object is a Vulcan and you're just a simple country doctor).
Papier-mache idols are never just the stupid lumps they appear. Highly intelligent Vulcans should be especially wary, as omnipotent beings seem particularly drawn to the injury and torture of these types.
If your girlfriend doesn't look like she's aged since the last time you've seen her (and if the last time was over ten years ago), it's likely that she's not who she claims. Be especially wary if she requests salt-tablets or takes to sucking face (literally) with every unfortunate crewman available.
Get a first name. A first name instantly gives you a far higher chance of survival, as it implies an emotional connection rarely afforded the common Red-Shirt. This interest can cause a cascade affect, creating a Mary Sue in the most extreme cases, but usually it is simply a means of survival. Should you realize that you have escalated into a Mary Sue, please exit the screen immediately and seek medical attention.
Do not date or be related to any of the Senior Staff. This is a one-way ticket to death.
The nicer the planet looks, the more dangerous it actually is. Believe that you're not the first race that thought it was pretty, and you're certainly not the most powerful.
Be sure to keep a Standard-Issue Kirk around, just in case you find yourself set on by beautiful alien women (this does not, however, work on extremely tall, belligerent women. These will require the use of a Standard-Issue McCoy).
Should you encounter an evil alien telepath (which you will, repeatedly), be sure to keep it far away from your overly-emotional CMO, as evil telepaths will flock to this creature like pre-pubescent girls to boy bands.
Away Mission Standard Procedures:
It is customary, though not particularly wise, for your entire senior staff to beam down, leaving, it seems, Sulu's animate potted plant in charge of the ship.
Upon arriving on the planet's surface, it is customary to report your arrival back to the Potted Plant.
"Routine away missions" are, in fact, mythical. Enjoy your tranquility for the very short minutes you've got it. Soon, you might be dead.
Should you be lucky enough to survive the first encounter with the residents of so-called deserted planets, be sure to keep your guard up and your eyes peeled. Don't, under any circumstances, abandon the group. Homicidal aliens and beings who only want to "test" the human race rarely stop at only one death. Refer to the ground rules and what they say about the necessity of first names.
Never trust anyone especially nice, especially helpful or especially good-looking. They are never any of these things. It is standard procedure to report such persons to your captain for analysis and seduction.
If a device looks particularly dangerous or even strange, the away mission is advised not to approach, but to blow it up with your phaser immediately. Believe us, you'll be grateful later.
On the slim chance you should survive your first away mission, be sure to make the most of your time. You will inevitably be called upon to repeat the experience, and your chances of survival aren't at all good.
If you have any questions, please flip your communicator open (be sure it's not your phaser before you press any buttons) and contact the Potted Plant. After all, it survived three seasons as a character with no lines. Maybe it can impart the secret to you.
Just watch out for the gaseous entity sneaking up behind you while you talk.