Purpose

fluorescentpinkfairies

Rated: K
Warnings: A singular OC who doesn't even have a name.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

--

I never realized how monotonous my life has become. I don't even pay attention anymore.

Today, for instance, I'm pushing the key into the door and I suddenly wonder... How did I get here?

One moment, I am in school and the next... I'm at home. I don't remember what came between. It's just... terrifying. It's not like losing your memory, because if I try hard, images surface: a ginger cat scampering before me; the dead, brown leaves whirling in the wind; a little boy peering at me, his bright eyes curious.

And why wouldn't he be curious? I walk like a—a zombie, my eyes glazed over and my mind elsewhere, taking steps only out of pure habit.

I'm not complaining—I'm not. I rather like the quiet, the monotony, the pattern. It's a change, I suppose, from all of the to-do of being a part of the Spirit Detective unit.

However, there is still a great danger in being so comfortable. The grim possibility that I might get attacked... it's very real. If I am not able to keep a close watch on my surroundings— what then? Who, besides me, will be harmed?

So I wonder: was my decision right? For, even though I am no longer a part of the Spirit Detectives, I am still who I am and people, demons in particular, happen to have long memories about who I've killed in the past.

Which makes me ask, who am I in the first place?

I get so... confused.

Am I Shuuichi or am I Yoko?

Who am I supposed to be? Who am I really? Who was I?

I can't figure out my soul sometimes. Am I two people or only one?

What will they put on my gravestone?

Not that I usually go into such depressing thoughts, of course, but...

I just want to know: what is the meaning of my life?

Before, in Makai, my purpose was to steal, to be the best thief.

In Ningenkai, for a short time, I found a purpose: my mother. So fragile, so easy for me to love, so needing of my support. She was my weakness. When that weakness fell ill, how was I supposed to cope? If she died, what, then, was my purpose?

And so, I found another purpose: To be a part of the Spirit Detective unit. And it suited me just fine. For the first time since Kuronue, I had friends, true friends.

But then...

My other purpose, my mother... that purpose was ended. Permanently. She died.

And then the Spirit Detectives fell apart. We lost contact. We became autonomous, as opposed to being just one of the group.

So I have nothing to live for, really.

No loving girlfriend. No family but my step-family. No friends. Nothing.

Why am I here?

I don't know.

Oh, how can I think that? How can I think that? How?

Autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency—it does strange things to a person. It makes you think that you aren't needed at all because you yourself need nothing. But it isn't true. For, while I depend on nothing and no one, there is someone who depends on me.

"Hello! Hellohellohello!" Something runs into my back at full speed and wraps its limbs around my waist as far as they will go, squeezing tightly. Warmth runs through me and it feels just so good.

"Is that my girl?" I murmur, gently prying the arms from my middle and turning around, bending down to see her face-to-face. In the background, I see the babysitter wave at me and leave, the lock on the door clicking behind her.

"Hmm, yes, that's my girl!"

"Duh, Daddy! Who else would I be?"

"I don't know," I say, and kiss her on the nose, sliding my arms around her and hauling her up.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you, too. Did you do your homework?"

"Yup!"

"Good. I'll go make dinner and then we can talk about your day, all right?"

"Daddy, I'm tired," she mumbles into my ear, and I smile. Within minutes, she is asleep on my shoulder.

This girl. She is my purpose now.

She was born out of wedlock and she is everything to me. She reflects her mother, she reflects me, and she reflects who she and only she can be.

She is my purpose. She is my heart. She is an embodiment of all of my love.

She is my one, sole reason for hanging on.

My daughter.

And I know who I am. I am Minamino Kurama, the name that I have adopted so long ago. I am a chemistry teacher in my old high school. I am a father. I am my own person.

In the Ningenkai, I found my greatest purpose.

After all, the third one's the charm.

--

Author's Space:

I think I rather... like this one-shot.

I like it a lot.

If you want to know who the mother and daughter are, you'll have to use your imaginations. Mine's broken.

Drake: It doesn't work if you're a HieixKurama fan, though. Makes your head spin.

Anyway. If you want to know, I post responses on my profile, usually. Review.

Tell me if you use this in a C2.

Thank you for reading.

(revamped on 6/30/05)