A/N: well it's ch4. Warning for major angst and also a disclaimer that says three things 1. If you are uncomfortable with reading about suicide or suicidal thoughts, skip this chapter. 2. Anyone named 'Houjun' is the creation Yuu Watase and 3. Anything else you read is mine except for Houjun's past. To the story then.

Houjun was sitting cross-legged on his bed staring at the door and waiting for the moment when it would swing open to reveal Hana's gently smiling face. He had been waiting like this ever since she'd first shut the door, not daring to move, just in case he missed her return. That had been five hours ago and she still wasn't back. Houjun was beginning to think she wasn't coming, that Hana had only pretended to care so that she could get him to calm down. The young man frowned as this thought crossed his mind for the third time in twenty minutes. Could it be that she wasn't coming? Had she abandoned him? No, no it wasn't true! Hana wouldn't do that to him, she had said she cared, that she would help him! She had meant it, she hadn't been lying! She wasn't going to leave him all alone in the gathering darkness…was she?

Houjun's expression darkened at that thought. Of course she was going to let him be overtaken by the darkness! What an idiot he was being, hanging on to false hopes like a frightened child, desperately seeking safety from the harshness of the world when he had learned long ago that there was no safety in this world. There was no Eden one could escape to when life became unbearable; there wasn't anyone who would reach out a helping hand when one fell into the abyss of their own mind. Nobody cared if others suffered, nobody wanted to help anybody but themselves anymore… so long as they were happy, who cared about the rest of the world?

Besides, even if there were still some people who gave a damn about the rest of humanity, who would ever be stupid enough to care about him?! Him, Houjun Ri, he who had killed his best friend in cold blood, he who wouldn't talk and lashed out at everybody who came near him in fits of hysterical violence… he who was beyond all help.

Beyond help. That's what he was, that was why she wasn't back yet. He was beyond all help and Hana, realizing this, abandoned him just like every other person he'd let into his heart. She had pretended to care about him, lied to him and made him feel like he could be saved-like he was someone worth caring about- all so that she wouldn't have it on her conscience that she'd left another human being to suffer alone while she just walked away and did nothing. It hadn't been for him that Hana had come into the room it had been for herself! She came because she felt obligated to, not because she cared, but because it was her job to help pathetic fools like him-she probably couldn't care less whether he lived or died so long as his death wasn't pinned on her.  

Houjun could feel tears starting in his eyes as he reached for the notebook lying beside him on the bed. He pulled the pencil out of the spiral and began writing, letting his emotions flow through him to pour out of his hand and onto the paper.

'Alone. It's a word I've come to hate, but at the same time it's a word I've come to accept as part of me. Because that is what I am, alone. Everyone I've ever trusted has disowned me, forsaken me here for the rest of my life. From Kouran to my friends to my own parents, they've all left me here to die… Even my flower has wilted and left me to remain lost in the darkness.  They all think I'm hopeless, that I'll never get out of this place… they're wrong though. I may be hopeless but I will get out one day. One day I will be free of this hellish existence. Hikou's blood will have been washed off my hands, this burning pain will fade, and the memories won't exist anymore. Nothing will. The agony and the tears and the horrible anguish of knowing I'm alone in the world won't exist anymore. Then I'll be free…I'll be free because once your dead, you can feel no pain.

That's what I've been waiting for. I've been waiting for death. In death there is peace, or at least the illusion of peace. At least if I have that I can finally find solace from the world's unending misery.'

As he finished writing these words Houjun paused, following the path of a teardrop as it made it's solitary way down his hand and then his notebook to land soundlessly on the sheets. He sat there for awhile, studying the trails his tears were leaving behind on his paper, watching as the pristine droplets smeared his words and left dark streaks of mixed graphite and dampness behind. His gaze shifted to his right hand and he turned the limb over, noting with a certain dark satisfaction that he still bore the scar of three months ago on his wrist from when he had ripped his own skin open in a fit of hysterics. He gently traced the scar with his left hand, moving his fingers over the almost-healed wound in a meditative manner. After a few seconds, he took up his pencil again and continued writing. 

' I've been waiting for a long time now, two years in fact. I am a patient man, but there's only so much I can take. Only so much agony I can bear before I lose my mind completely…I've waited long enough for peace, it's time I stopped waiting and finally rid the world of my presence. I've got nothing to live for, nobody to miss me…I have nothing left. I' m sorry I never got to see Kouran again because I still love her. Even after all these months, I still care for her despite the fact that she's forgotten me, but in the end it's all for the best.'

With that the young man carefully closed his notebook, set it on his nightstand and clenched his left fist around the pencil he'd been using. Slowly, deliberately, he swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up. He took a deep breath, then two steps forward, swinging the sharpened pencil back, and as his foot touched down on his last step he thrust the tool forwards, sending the jagged tip speeding towards the main vein in his wrist.

A/N: Well it's a little shorted than usual, but so it ends. The question is, does it end here? Or will I surprise you all and have something miraculous happen to save our dear Houjun from himself? You'll have to wait and see. Nothing else to say but see you next chapter!

~Tenshi Kitsune~