A/n: And it's chapter eleven. Hopefully it won't be as horribly angsty as last chapter but I make no promises. As usual I own only Hana and the guards/doctors and this story, but nothing or no one else. Also as usual, warning for emotional scenes and slight darkness. To the chappy then…
The two stayed that way for a long time neither wanting to let go, fearful that the other would somehow disappear as soon as they let each other go. Finally, Hana forced herself to let go of Houjun. Shaking her head to clear it, she turned her attention back to Houjun's injuries. She cleaned the blood off the young man's arm and saw that the damage was worse than she had first expected. The limb was a mess; in some places Houjun had cut himself so deeply that it was almost as if he'd had been trying to slice parts of his arm off. Long gashes ran up and across his forearm while a fresh trail of blood slowly trickled from a bad slash on his upper arm.
Hana winced and looked up at Houjun. "This much?" she asked quietly "It hurts this much?"
Houjun nodded, his face shifting back into the eighteen year old's haunted features. "More…"
Hana closed her eyes briefly and shook her head as she started to bandage the youth's arm. "If I knew how, I'd make it go away…" she said softly, tears still making their way down her cheeks as she carefully bound the slash on the young man's shoulder with surgical tape to stem the rapid flow of blood. "I'd make this suffering end and I'd heal your heart so that it could never be broken like this again!"
"I know…" the other whispered. "It's okay…" He flinched as a sudden stab of pain lanced through him as Hana secured a bandage around his upper arm.
The nurse stopped what she was doing and looked up into Houjun's distant mahogany eyes. "Next time it hurts like this, tell me okay? We'll talk it out." she told the young man, her voice soft and full of sorrow. She lowered her gaze to the floor, tightening her grip on Houjun's good hand. "I don't want to have to see you hurt like this okay? I don't want to lose my boy…Not like this…"
The young man nodded shortly and for a while all was silent as Hana solemnly finished patching Houjun's arms and knees. The youth stayed still and quiet, watching the nurse as she took the palm of his right hand in the palm of her left. Hana started to wrap another bandage around a square of gauze padding that she was pressing into his palm and Houjun closed his hand around her fingers for a second as she wound the soft material around his thumb and then behind his hand. Hana paused in her work and looked into Houjun's grave, tear filled eyes. She bent her head and gave the young man another brief kiss on the hand, taking great care not to touch the deep gash set into the other's palm, then turned back to her task.
Finally the young woman set the first aid kit aside and looked up at Houjun, her eyes shining with new tears. He gave her a weak smile of thanks and Hana tried to smile back at him but instead collapsed into sobs, her face buried in her hands.
Houjun's eyes softened with remorse, knowing that Hana's grief was cause by his own reckless actions and he pulled the tiny woman into his arms. "Don't cry…" he soothed, holding the nurse close and gently rubbing her back. "It'll be alright…I'm okay now. Please don't cry…"
"I-I'm sorry…" she managed around her tears. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop you from doing this! I'm sorry my incompetence nearly cost you your life! I guess I'm not good enough to save you after all…I-I let you down again! I don't deserve your trust, I don't deserve you! All I'm good for is making you cry…"
Houjun put a hand under the nurse's chin and tilted her head upwards so he could look into the other's eyes. "Don't say that…" he said firmly, his voice full of guilty regret. "You couldn't have known I'd do this… This isn't your fault and if anyone in this godforsaken place deserves my trust, it's you. You're the only reason I didn't cut my wrists open just now. I didn't want to die before I told you I loved you one last time…" The young man's face darkened with grief and fresh tears started to fall from his eyes. "I wanted you to know…th-that way I could die knowing I did at least one decent thing in my shameful excuse for a life…"
Hana shook her head and clenched her fist around Houjun's shirtsleeve. She tried to think of something to say that would reassure the young man, make him see that his life was worth more than he knew, but somehow the words just wouldn't come. She squeezed her eyes shut and bowed her head again as bitterness rose within her. "Gods, even now I'm worth nothing! Even though I'm here, even though all I want to do is take away your pain, I still can't do anything to help you! I want to, but I can't! All I can do is cry and make you feel worse than you already do…."
"Hana, listen to me." Houjun tried again, his own voice wavering as he fought to hold back the many emotions fighting to come out of him. "Listen to what I'm saying and try to understand. It is you and only you who keeps me breathing each day. It is for you that I live and for you that I would die." He cupped the nurse's chin between his hands and gently kissed the top of her head. "Just because you can't ease the pain right away doesn't make you useless. You have to know, that right now, having you here with me and knowing you came back to save me…That's enough to make the darkness fade a little. It's enough because, to me, knowing that at least one person gives a damn whether I live or die means the world. Do you understand that? Do you know what it means to a pathetic man like me that you love me?"
The nurse turned her face away from Houjun's caring gaze and passed a hand over her eyes. "I know you love me…" she whispered brokenly. "I know I mean a lot to you, and you mean the world to me too, but somehow I just can't help feeling like I failed you…Like anything I do isn't what you need me to do…"
The young man closed his eyes for a minute and kissed Hana softly on the forehead. "All I need is your hand in mine and I know I'll be okay." Houjun murmured into the young woman's hair. "All I need is to know you're here with me and I can face anything…"
Hana opened her mouth to reply, but no words would come. She threw her arms around Houjun and hugged him tightly, crushing her face into his shoulder and sobbing helplessly. The young man held the nurse as she cried, letting her release all the emotions he knew she had pent up inside of her. Tears stung at his eyes and spilled down his cheeks as everything he'd been through that day started to surface but he pushed everything back, wanting desperately to hold Hana the way she held him, wanting to make her feel as safe with him as he did with her. After all, what was the point in loving someone if you couldn't, at the very least, hold them and let them cry on your shoulder when they needed to?
"It's okay…" the young man whispered, gently rubbing the nurse's back. "It's going to be okay, I'm here…"
Hana took a deep breath and pushed away from Houjun to look into his eyes. "I know you are…and that's what makes this life bearable for me." She gave the young man a tired, grateful little smile. "Did you know you saved me? Did you ever imagine that just the light shining in your eyes could heal a broken heart?"
Houjun shook his head in confusion, unable- or perhaps unwilling- to understand what the nurse was trying to tell him. "I-I saved you?" he asked tremulously "Th-that can't be right… I don't know how to save people. I can only destroy them…" Houjun's voice had gone quiet with bitter tears. "That's all I'm good for…"
"Liar." the other accused softly, her green eyes burning into Houjun's deep brown orbs. "If that were true, then I would have been dead long ago."
Houjun's eyes went wide with fear, the tight hold he'd had on his emotions up until then finally breaking. "D-don't say that!" he cried suddenly, grabbing hold of Hana's shoulders as tears streaked down his face. "Don't ever say that! N-not to me…Don't ever say that! I-I've killed once already and just the thought of-of you…b-by my hands…" The youth's face twisted in agony and he pulled Hana to him in a rough embrace. "Y-you're all I have left…" he choked around the millions of tears pressing down on him and stealing his words. "My one l-last chance…I…can't…lose you…"
The words had barely trailed off when Hana found herself being held so tightly that she felt her ribs start to crack a little. She carefully slid her hand up to cradle Houjun's head in her left hand as her right moved in small, soothing circles around the youth's back. "You'll never lose me…" she vowed, feeling courage flowing through her as her resolve strengthened. "I'll never let go of your hand until you tell me it's okay… I'm sorry I said that, it was stupid. I never meant to hurt you like this…"
Houjun shook his head and pulled Hana closer. "Why then?" he asked dejectedly. "Why did you say that?"
"Because I didn't think…" the nurse admitted, pearly droplets of water still sliding down her cheeks as sadness flowed through her. "I wanted to prove to you once and for all that's you're worth every tear I cry for you and so much more. I wanted you to know that, even though you might have taken a life, you also saved one. I guess I failed there as well…"
Houjun looked at Hana and swallowed hard. "Y-you'll never fail me…" he managed around sobs. "Not so long as you're here with me and holding my hand…Okay?"
Hana nodded slowly and put her head down in the space between Houjun's shoulder and his neck. "Okay." she agreed quietly.
The two stayed that way for a long time, Houjun slowly calming as Hana continued to hold him and whisper words of comfort every so often. Finally both patient and nurse had stopped crying and they sat together, listening to the faint sounds of each other's breathing.
"I-I'm sorry…" Houjun whispered, finally breaking the silence.
"Wh-what?" Hana mumbled, shaking herself out of her half-asleep state and looking up at the young man who held her. "Sorry for what?"
"I-I'm sorry." the other repeated. "For what I said before… and what I did. I didn't mean it, I just…just…" The youth trailed off, dropping his gaze to the cold cement floor beside him.
"It's okay." Hana said, gently cupping Houjun's cheek in her hand and passing the back of her thumb over his chin. "I know you didn't mean it, I could see it in the tears on your face and deep in those beautiful eyes of yours…"
Houjun put his hand over Hana's and the nurse could feel the smooth material of the bandage around his palm already being soaked through with blood. She frowned and delicately brought Houjun's hand down from her cheek to rest in her left palm once more. The young woman looked worriedly down at the deep crimson stain taking up the better part of Houjun's hand. "Sweetie, I think you're going to need stitches." she told the young man.
The youth inhaled sharply and pulled his hand back a little. "S-stitches?" he repeated shakily. "W-with needles i-in my hand?"
Hana frowned and gave Houjun a questioning look. "What's wrong?" she asked uncertainly. "Are you afraid of needles?"
The young man offered no reply, just kept staring at his injured hand. He raised his head after a second and nodded hesitantly. "Bad memories…" he said in a barely audible voice, pulling his hand back from Hana. He cast his gaze to the side, seeming to fall into his own world as he gently cradled the bloody limb in his arms.
The young woman sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. When would it ever stop? she wondered. When would the pain ever leave him? Why was it always so hard for him to just keep breathing…Her eyes slid open and Hana took Houjun's hands in hers, careful to avoid any sudden moves for fear of worsening any of the cuts that ran up his arms.
"It's okay. I don't have to use needles." she reassured, tracing tiny circles on the knuckles of the other's uninjured hand. "From what I saw, the cut isn't too deep." She pulled the bandages off Houjun's hand with great care and cleaned the blood off his skin once more. The young woman pressed a clean cloth to Houjun's hand and held it in place until the steady trickle of blood stopped itself.
The nurse examined the cut and nodded to herself. "It's not that bad," she said at last, looking up into Houjun's anxious mahogany eyes. "Nothing a bandage and a butterfly won't fix."
"Butterfly?" the youth asked in confusion "How will that stop the blood?"
"Well, all we really need to do is close the cut so the skin can heal." Hana explained as she pulled out the first aid kit again. "What I'm going to do is make a butterfly bandage and put it over the cut." She cut a length of tape and lightly folded it in half. Cutting two small triangles off either side of the strip, the young nurse proceeded to fold in the center of the tape forming a butterfly shaped bandage. "See?" she continued as she gently placed the strip across Houjun's palm. "It's called a butterfly because of its shape and what it does is seal the cut so that the skin can heal." The young woman cut another strip of tape and repeated the process. "It works just like stitches, only you don't have to sew the cut."
Houjun nodded weakly, watching as Hana started to wrap a soft cloth around his hand. He sighed wearily, blood loss combined with the intense emotions that had raged through him that day robbing him of his energy.
Hana tied the last knot on the cloth she'd been binding Houjun's hand with and carefully climbed out of the young man's lap. "I should let you sleep." she told the other, getting to her feet and reaching out to Houjun. "You're probably exhausted after all you had to go through today."
Houjun nodded again and took her hands. Hana pulled him to his feet, holding him be the wrists so that she wouldn't put pressure on any of his injuries guided him to the bed, waiting until he had gotten under the covers before sitting down on the edge of the bed. She looked down at the young man and gave him a tiny half-smile.
"It'll be okay…" she whispered, reaching forwards and tenderly brushing the back of her hand over Houjun's cheek.
"I hope it will…" came the faint reply. The young man looked up into Hana's green eyes, his own mahogany orbs filled with sadness, and took her hand. "Because I can't lose you…"
"You won't. I'll be here for you for as long as you need me to be." she said, tracing small circles on the back of Houjun's hand. The tiny nurse reached forward to brush back his chestnut bangs and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "You'll see it'll all work out in the end…"
Houjun's eyes started to slip closed and he felt sleep trying to drag him under its spell. He blinked back his exhaustion and tightened his hold on Hana's hand a little. He looked at hesitantly at her for a second, then took a deep breath. "C-can you…" he started then trailed off, suddenly embarrassed.
"Can I…?" Hana asked softly. "What's wrong sweetie?"
The young man pulled in another deep breath, pushing away the waves of sleep that were washing over him, and went on. "C-can you…stay with me?" he whispered. "Just for tonight? I-I don't want to be alone…"
"Of course I can." Hana told him, her voice soft with love and compassion.
Houjun nodded and smiled a little, giving Hana's hand a grateful squeeze as his eyes finally slid shut. "Oyasumi…my flower…"
"Until tomorrow, my Houjun…"
With that Hana reached out and carefully turned out the light. She settled herself in the small space between the wall and the edge of the bed, still keeping Houjun's hand in hers, and let sleep claim her at last.
A/N: And so it ends because I want it to end here. Why you ask? You'll see…all I'm gonna say is next chapter is going to be one of my worst in terms of emotions and heartbreak. (At least I hope it will. I'll let you folks decide.) So it's off to start on the next chappy and my English homework for the Kitsune.
Later days all,
~Tenshi Kitsune~