Author's note: Yeah…all my faithful readers who might come across this author's note: This is the story that I fear will have to replace "The Makings." Pfft. Makes me extremely pissed off, but there isn't much I can do about it, now is there? Apologies to the…200 some odd readers who faithfully read and reviewed my story. May the personnel rot in…sugar cookies. And now, on with the fiction.
"Y'know Harry," Ron said as he gingerly swatted at the cobwebs in the attic, " I don't understand why you're always the one that almost gets us killed…and why we're always stupid enough to follow you."
"It's rather simple, Ron. It's because I'm Harry Potter and you're Ronald Last-name-is-irrelevant. The name of the series is devoted to me…not you. So, you're secondary to absolutely everything in this story. Your opinions don't matter. You only exist for comic relief and to give me a best friend who is gullible and all-too agreeing with everything I say. Understand?"
"Yes Harry…you've made it all too clear to me," Ron said huffily.
"Harry…I don't think we should be going into Sirius's attic like this." Hermione interjected. "What if-"
"Hermione, go cry your eyes out to Professor Snape and get into some kind of illicit affair."
"Can't. He's still shagging Nick Carter. Bloody Backstreet Boys. What does Nick Carter have that I don't, Ron?"
"Um…You're really asking the wrong person here." Ron said pointing suggestively to Harry.
"I mean, what do I have to do to attract his attention? Become a mindless fool?"
"I'm not saying-"
"-Should I start doing drugs or start sleeping with people I don't know-?"
"-Well I-"
"-Should I start wearing shorter skirts and expose my cleavage?"
"It really wouldn't hurt to try."
"Okay."
And so, the readers were now introduced to their new completely OOC Hermione Granger with really large boobs.
And Ron did rejoice.
"Alright guys, I think I see a light up ahead." Harry said.
"Omg, it's like…so pretty and whatever!" Hermione exclaimed as her large breasts bounced up and down in Ron's face.
"Oh yeah, -er…really pretty."
By then, Harry was a bit through with all of the sexual tension between Ron and Hermione and he finally screamed. "You two…really need to stop."
"What? I'm not doing anything!" Ron said as Hermione kept kissing his face fervently and leaving lipstick marks all over his face.
"Urgh. That's it. I refuse to take part in this…sex fest! I'm on my own!"
So Harry was forced to go through the exit of the attic all on his own.
And Ron was forced to shag Hermione in the attic all on his own.
"Damn OOC Hermione Granger! It's ridiculous! What's going on here?!? This has to be perhaps one of the most bizarre things that has ever happened to me! If only there was a beautiful girl with long, flowing blonde hair and deep crystalline blue eyes that caught rays of sunshine and whose fair complexion was like no other. If only there was this really intelligent girl who was related to absolutely everyone in the Harry Potter series who is simultaneously a professor at Hogwarts and a Dragon Tamer in Romania AND who has a name so long and exotic that it'd take spell check hours to catch up with the author's typing. I bet she'd help me to understand what's going on."
And suddenly…
"Hello Harry Potter," A beautiful blonde haired girl with long, flowing blonde hair and deep crystalline blue eyes which caught rays of sunshine and whose fair complexion was like no other said.
"How did you know my name?"
"I'm a seer/princess/witch/vampire/veela/werewolf, Harry. I know everything."
"Oh."
"Yes, I am Evanella Claudette Destrunia Andette Bellatrix Sabrina Selena Serena Anjelic Catherine L'trenia Brianna Ana-Maria Janis Audette Jolie Eva Octavia Elizabeth Dumbledore Castro Bush Black Lupin Potter Lestrange Bob, but you may call me Bob."
(Spell Check works furiously to catch up)
"Well…okay Bob. You know…your facial features are perfect…and I think you're anatomically correct."
"You have to be If you want to be the Advisor to the Minister of Magic/Dragon tamer/ brain surgeon/undercover Auror /Spy. It's practically a necessity," Bob explained sweetly.
"I can't believe my luck! Would you be willing to -"
"Help you find out what's wrong with the story's plot?"
"-Yeah! How did-"
"I know?"
"-Yeah…you know that's kind of-"
"Scary and bordering on extremely annoying?"
"Er-right."
"Well…I can't tell you now, because I can't afford to blow my cover, Harry. But if you'll follow me, I'll take you to a place where I can speak candidly about everything."
…And the Author decided to pause the story here for a day only to resume its craziness the next day.