A/n: Back again and this one's going to be lighter than chapter 12, but it's still darker than most of my other stuff. If you don't like fluffy angst or going deep into a character's mind- this chapter isn't for you. Also, I don't own Houjun or anything else that belongs to the story of Fushigi Yuugi. That being said, here we go…
When Max finally came back to his room twenty minutes later, Alex right behind him, he found Hana carefully placing another butterfly bandage over the gashes in Houjun's other hand and repeatedly passing her hand over her eyes. The guard knocked softly on the doorframe to let the nurse know he was there and she turned.
"It's okay; don't let me stop you from workin'." Max apologized "Jus' didn't wanna scare ya is all."
Hana nodded and gave the older man a tiny smile. "I was finished anyways." she said softly "There's nothing I can do now until he wakes up…"
"We were too late." Alex said heavily, moving past Max and kneeling next to Hana at Houjun's side. "Th' doc got 'im b'fore we could…" The guard's grey eyes softened and he put a hand on Hana's shoulder. "I'm sorry… If I was faster we coulda got there in time…"
Hana shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. "It's not your fault." She reassured the older man. "It's nobody's fault but mine…I should have put up a better fight, should have done something more…It's because I'm not big enough or brave enough that he's hurt like this."
"That's a lie!" Max protested, his amber eyes burning with conviction. "If this is anyone's fault it's Johnston's! He's the one that put the needle in, he's the one that made him cry and bleed and he's the one that broke your heart! It's nobody's fault but his because if it wasn't for Johnston, the past two days never woulda happened!"
Hana started to argue back but she suddenly caught sight of Alex's right arm. "What happened?!" she asked worriedly "How did you break your arm?"
Alex smiled ruefully. "Not as young as I once was." he explained "Doc Johnston threw me off an' I landed wrong… Arm wasn't broken then, but I tried t'go after 'im again an' he pushed me back so's he could get out the door. Lost my balance an' hit the table on my way down."
Hana gave the middle-aged man a sympathetic look. "Another innocent hurt because of me…" she sighed, reaching under the bed and pulling out a first aid kit. "It seems I can't do anything without hurting someone these days…"
The young woman felt a strong hand on her cheek and she lifted her eyes to look up at Alex. "Hana, you listen and listen good." the watchman said firmly "People get hurt sometimes. It happens. I got hurt today tryin' to help someone I care 'bout an' y'know what? It was worth ev'ry cut on me. What happened t'Houjun wasn't your fault; it was Johnston's." Alex sighed and gave Hana a sympathetic look. "You can't always save 'em sweetheart… Sometimes you get up against somethin' bigger n' you an' it just happens this way. In th' end though what matters is we got 'im out an' that when he wakes up you'll be with 'im t'help 'im through whatever he's gonna go through. Do y'understand what I'm tellin' ya?"
Hana nodded. "I guess I do, but I still feel like it's my fault."
"Because you were right there… I know." Max said softly, going to kneel next to the other two as Hana started to set Alex's arm. "Like all the times I saw Johnston hurtin' others and all I could do was watch… You just feel responsible somehow."
Hana started to agree, when a thought struck her. "Why though?" she asked no one in particular. "Why Houjun? And why is does he do it?"
"Why does who do what now?" Alex asked in confusion.
"Why does Johnston target Houjun? I mean, he's no different than the rest of them…He's got fears and problems just like the rest do. So why him and no one else?"
Max shook his head, his brow creased in thought. "I dunno…"
Hana tied the last knot on Alex's splint and closed the first aid kit with a determined snap. "I'm going to find out." she said firmly, her emerald eyes full of a strange kind of light. "I'm going to find out why and put a stop to this, tonight."
"You'll only get hurt again!" Max protested "He'll never tell you; he hates you too!"
"Maybe," Hana returned evenly, getting to her feet and heading for the door. "But I have to know."
"What about Houjun?" Alex asked in concern "It won't be good if he wakes up and you're gone…"
"The drug won't wear off for three hours yet." Hana replied. A worried frown crossed her features and she hesitated, her hand on the doorknob. "But still…"
"We'll take care of him for ya." Alex reassured "He's in good hands."
Hana nodded and gave the watchman a tired smile. "If anything happens, even the slightest change…" she started.
"We'll come getcha'." Max assured her. "Now hurry or he'll leave!"
Hana shot him a grateful look and ran out of the room. She had barely left Max's office when she heard Johnston's voice coming from a room not far off. The nurse followed the sound of the doctor's voice and came to his office door. She twisted the brass knob and stepped into the office, eyes steely and determined but stopped short as she caught sight of Johnston.
He looked pathetic; sitting behind his desk and staring straight ahead, his white lab coat stained with blood on one side and more of the crimson liquid running down one of his cheeks. His glasses were on the desk beside him, a worn and yellowed bit of paper in his hands. His grey eyes were distant and full of unshed tears, almost as if he were lost in his memories. He set the paper down and Hana could see it was a picture.
A young girl with sad blue eyes looked up from the old print and the man before her bit back a quiet sob.
Johnston picked up the picture again, his chin trembling slightly as he whispered unheard words to the girl in the photograph. He looked up suddenly and Hana froze, her resolve deserting her in the face of her shock at finding the older man in this sorry state.
"Hana." he said, his voice empty and emotionless. "I thought so…"
"I-I have to settle something with you!" the nurse managed around the rapid pounding of her heart in her throat.
"And I know what you want to ask." Johnston said in that same dead voice. "So in turn I ask you this: Have you ever seen someone die?" He didn't wait for a reply and went on. "Have you ever held someone you loved and watched as the life left their body? Unable to help…unable to save them…helpless as a newborn child…" The man got to his feet, taking his glasses from the desk and slowly slipping them into his pocket. "I have…in fact I've seen it many times…I've had to watch so many die. But I've only seen a life fade out completely once…"
"Wh-what are you talking about?" Hana asked uncertainly, fear starting to form inside of her at the doctor's uncharacteristic behavior.
He smiled at her, a humorless smile that never quite reached his eyes. "Did you know that you can kill someone while they're alive?" he asked quietly, going around the desk and stopping just short of Hana. He laughed as Hana's eyes widened in horror. "I thought you might… So then you'll also know that it is possible to bring them back." The doctor's face fell and he looked down at the picture in his hands once more. "When your body dies as well…That's a different matter." he whispered "When she left me, I knew I couldn't save her, knew I was too late…" He held out his hand and Hana took an involuntary step backwards. "Don't be afraid, it's only a photograph." Johnston reassured, moving closer to Hana, his hand still outstretched. "This is why."
"Wh-what?" the nurse asked in bewilderment.
"Sarah is the reason I hurt him." Johnston explained, a tear making its way down his cheek and tracing a path through the blood on his skin. "I hurt him because he hurts me…"
"That doesn't make any sense!" Hana cried, her voice starting to waver as she grew more and more unnerved by the doctor's eerily calm actions and tone. "Why would you hurt Houjun because of her? If she died, he probably never even knew her!"
"You didn't listen." Johnston chided "I said I hurt him because he hurts me. Sarah wouldn't want me to hurt another like her for no reason…"
"You mean put him through hell because he reminds you of her?!" Hana shouted in disbelief. "That's insane!"
"It is not!" the older man yelled back, his icy calm shattering into bitter fury. "He's got no right! Him with those eyes that shone like hers did! Him with his gentle smiles and the touch that feels like butterfly wings on your skin! Him who reminds me of all I couldn't hold…" The doctor sank to his knees, breathing hard in a combination of sadness and bitter pain. His breaths became ragged sobs and he pulled the picture he held close to his chest. "He's got no right!" he sobbed "You've got no right! Why should you be happy when all I've got is this constant, burning pain in my heart?! Why should I let him be saved when she had to die?!"
The doctor fell forwards, burying his face in his hands and suddenly he felt compassionate arms surround him and a gentle hand soothingly stroked his hair as he cried. Johnston lifted his tear streaked face, looking up into Hana's caring emerald eyes.
"It's okay." she whispered, carefully wiping the blood from the older man's cheek. "You can cry, I won't laugh."
Johnston shoved Hana away from him, turning his back on the nurse and drawing his knees to his chest. "Just get out of here!" he asked weakly "Just leave me to my pathetic tears."
Hana reached out a hand but the doctor only curled in on himself, looking remarkably like Houjun did when he was in pain. "Get out!" he repeated, nearly choking on the words as his sobs quickened. "Leave me be!"
Hana got to her feet, a feeling of great sadness filling her at seeing the man she held so much hatred for broken and vulnerable. She couldn't explain why, but as much as she detested the doctor for what he was doing to Houjun, the nurse couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He was in so much pain…She shook her head to clear it and soundlessly left the office. She slowly made her way back to where Alex and Max were keeping an eye on Houjun and brushed a sudden tear from her eye.
"He's not so different from the rest of us…" she whispered to herself. "He just refuses to let himself heal."
The young woman pushed the door of the room open and quietly made her way to Houjun's side. She could feel the two guards giving her questioning stares, but she kept her head down. After all it's a terrible thing to see a grown man cry… even if he is your worst enemy.
A/N: So after a long, long silence here we are at last. Chapter thirteen, hopefully not as bad as I think it is (though I doubt it's even decent as I haven't time to edit it -.-'). Quick edit to the comments at the end of last chapter, Roku's right. Antipsychotics are lifesavers to those who really need the drug, and I really should have said that last time. If you don't they aren't too great for you, but all around they really do work miracles for people. So yes, that's that then.
See you all next chappy (which should be out sooner than three months this time…I hope ;),
Tenshi Kitsune