:D

Thanks. Now. Let's. Continue. With. The. Story. Okay. Yeah. Mmmbop.

"So Harry, what do you intend to do if Dumbledore can't help us?" Draco sneered.

"You know what Draco, I haven't thought about that yet. But I'm pretty certain that not even a seriously delusional person could ruin Dumbledore's image."

"Yeah, or my name isn't Sirius Black!"

"Siriusl-"

"Stop it. Just…stop it. Now, I think we all should just calmly knock upon the headmaster's office door and-"

Boom.

"Damn you Sirius!" Harry exclaimed.

"It's not my fault! Blame the wanker!" Draco frowned and put his buldger back in his pants.

Bob was begining to loose her extremly flexible and long-stretching patience with the group."Sirius, stop using the same old British colloquialisms over and over again, its a drag."

"Shut your face, you prat-faced git, or I'll bloody ring your phone, you jolly old crumpet!"

"Is there some way I can be of some assistance to you four?" Albus Dumbledore inquired from behind his desk.

"Oh right! Um…Professor Dumbledore, something is horribly wrong!"

"Now Harry, I've told you once before that if you continued to put your penis in that vacuum cleaner that-"

"No, not that problem."

"Oh, I'm sorry…continue?"

"Yes, well…everyone seems to be acting very abnormal today! Professor Snape is shagging Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys, Hermione's assets have grown out-of-control, Sirius thinks he's a B-rated actor-"

"Ahem…B-plus, thank you very much."

"-There's a hot girl related to everyone in the series and Draco…well, never mind. But Professor, there has to be an explanation for all of this!"

"Indeed," Professor Dumbledore agreed knowingly from behind his half-moon spectacles "There is something horribly out-of-sync with the events of recent, Harry. But I must implore you to not ask me any questions that I cannot answer to you…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not quite sure; I'm never understandable in these fan fictions. But the point that I'm trying to get to…is that these recent happenings have been occurring for one simple reason-"

"Voldemort is back and he wants to kill me!" Harry curled into a ball and rocked back and forth on the ground while murmuring "I'll never tell."

"Why does it always have to be about you? Hmm? Ever asked yourself that, you silly little shit?" Draco said while poking Harry with a randomly placed fork.

Harry began to cry. The fork prongs were hurting his delicate skin. "It's cause I'm white…isn't it?"

"SHUT UP!" Dumbledore bellowed in uppercased font.

The annoying verbal beat downs ceased. The caps lock was released as well.

"Thank you. The reason that everything has been occurring…is because of The Fan Fictionist."

(Horror music inserted here)

"Ooh. The Fan Fictionist."

(Horror music played once again)

"Yes, The Fanfictionist-"

(Horror music begins to play, but is abruptly ended by what the reader must assume to be an extremely angry man with a sledgehammer)

"Ahem…thank you. As I was saying, the author of this fan fiction is a little lonely girl somewhere in a suburban town who has no friends and listens to Kurt Cobain (No offence…) all day long. She wears black nail polish and often reads anime all day and writes in an online diary where pedophiles are most likely to wank off to her 'private' thoughts. Currently, she writing a Male Pregnancy fiction with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin."

"YES!" Sirius did his sexy dance.

"No, Sirius! Don't you see? The person who is writing this story isn't the real author; she's just some poseur wannabe who lives in the United States!"

"Yeah, and they don't even have crumpets over there," Draco snorted.

"So, what are we to do about it?"

"Well first of all, you have to find The Fanfictionist."

(Music faintly plays in the background but shuts off quickly)

"But…how do we do that?"

"Oh, I'm sure Hermione can find a way. She always was the most intellectual of the lot of you."

"Hermione's a bimbo now, remember?"

"Hmm. Isn't life a bitch? Just…remember my last, Harry."

"You mean when you told me to mount the bed with the whips and-"

"No…the last before that."

"Oh, right. The fate of the world lies in my hands."

"Exactly. So, be swift to find that fan fictionist. And whatever you do, do not allow Sirius to be seduced by Remus, or the fates of everyone in our world might reach a tragic end. The lives you've become accustomed to could be overrun with slash, Mpreg, OOC, Angst and love, unreasonable suicide wishes-"

"Heh, the way he says it, it makes you think there are reasonable ones." Draco sniggered and elbowed Bob.

"-And worst of all…Mary Sues."

Bob whistled to herself.

"So, stay the course and find the evil fan fictionist and destroy her story before it causes any further damage and whatever you do…keep Remus the hell away from Sirius. He'll be very persuasive and he'll do anything to fufill the plot of the story so…be on the watch."

"Thank you Dumbledore," Harry said as the other members of his group walked out of the room.

"One more thing, Harry…"

"Yes Professor?"

"Get 'r done."

"Pardon?"

"Get 'r done."

"I fail to see the relevance of-"

"Just remember that, alright? And…good luck."

"Er-right. Bye Professor."

Over the rivers and though the woods

To the fan fictionist's house we go.

We don't know the way

But Draco will slay

Anyone who gets in our way, though.

Over the river and through the woods

To the fan fictionist's house we go.

We'll cut off her toes

And pick at her nose

Until severed pieces remain.

This...is the reason that I do not write poetry.

:D