..:: Chapter 2 – Merizzle and Pippizzle ::..

PB, "Okay, so we're cutting to the cornfield thing where Sam's all, 'This is it,' mkay?"

Sam stopped right in the middle of a cornfield. "This is it," he said.

"What's it?" Giliath asked.

"One more step and it'll be the farthest I've ever been away from home," Sam said.

"Yep, and one more step and it'll be the farthest I've ever been from a stripper club," Frodo said. He took another step. "DAMN!"

"Riiiight," Giliath said. 'O.o'

Merry and Pippin came bursting into view and tripped over Giliath's conveniently extended foot.

"Ow! What the fuck, man?" Pippin yelled.

"Dude, you don't talk to an Elf like that!" Merry yelled to Pippin. "Sorry about my friend," he said to Giliath.

"Would you stop with the chivalry already?" Giliath snapped. "It really freaks me out."

"I think that's why he does it," Pippin said.

"You've been stealing Farmer Maggot's crops again, haven't you?" Sam asked Merry and Pippin suspiciously.

Pippin looked down at his armful of crops. "No, not really. Just some weed, and tobacco, and cocaine..."

"And his booze," Merry said, holding up several bottles of Heneiken, Coors Light, Miller Light, and Budweiser.

Pippin bent down and picked something up off the ground. "What's this?" he asked.

"Oh, gross!" Giliath said. "That's a dildo!"

"Did you say Bilbo?" Sam asked.

"No, a dildo!" Giliath said.

"Yo, what's a dildo?" Frodo said.

Giliath sighed. "Frodo, how is it that you've been to a stripper club –"

"Seven," Frodo interrupted.

"What?"

"Seven stripper clubs," Frodo said.

"Okay, seven stripper clubs, but you don't know what a dildo is?" Giliath said. "It's bad enough that you're so wannabe-ghetto fab," she muttered.

"Huh?" Frodo said.

"Nothing," Giliath said quickly, plastering on an innocent little girl face.

"So, dawg, what's a dildo?" Frodo asked.

"It's that thing you have in your pants, except it's fake," Giliath said.

"What, it's a fake PlayHobbit Magazine?" Frodo said, pulling an issue of PlayHobbit out of his pants.

"What? No – oh, ew, you sick, nasty hobbit!" Giliath yelled, snatching the magazine from him. "Why do you keep this in your pants?"

Frodo shrugged. "Why not?"

Giliath was a combination of grossed out, furious, and annoyed. The result wasn't very flattering on her, especially since she was an Elf. "Don't you ever read this shit again!"

"Well, you don't exactly read what's in there," Frodo said.

"Just don't get these anymore!" Giliath said.

"Dang, that's the only one I have anyway," Frodo said. "Momizzle," he muttered.

"I heard that," Giliath said. "I have Elf ears, you know."

"Okay, so WHAT IS A DILDO??" Frodo demanded.

"It's a fake dick," Giliath said.

"Oh, that's what is?" Frodo said. "Oh yeah, that one transsexual stripper had one."

"What were you doing with a transsexual stripper?" Giliath asked.

"Well, it was Gays and Lesbians night thur, but Pippizze thought it'd be funny not to tell me," Frodo said.

"It was funny!" Pippin said.

"Yeah, he got totally drunk and hooked up with a lesbo," Merry said.

Giliath looked up and saw a sickle thing on a stick floating over cornfield stalks and heard ramblings. "Come back here with my booze!"

"Do we run?" Pippin asked.

"Not yet," Giliath said. She grabbed the dildo and chucked it at Farmer Maggot's head. There was a thud, then a yell, then a "Hey, my dildo!". Then, "Hey, what were you doing with my dildo? Get your asses back over here!"

"Okay, now we run," Giliath said.

Pippin, Merry, Giliath, and Frodo ran up to the edge of the cliff and stopped. Sam, being the idiot that he is, bumped into them and sent them all tumbling over the cliff. Somehow, Giliath managed to land on her feet, but the hobbits landed in a tangled heap.

"I think I broke something," Merry wheezed. He picked up a broken carrot. "Oh, never mind."

"Nooooo! You broke the carrot! What'd it ever do to you?" Pippin sobbed.

"Um," Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Giliath said. 'O.o'

"Uhh...." Pippin said. "Hey, look! Mushrooms!"

Sam, Merry, and Pippin tackled each other to get to the mushrooms first. Far off, Giliath saw Ringwraith riding towards them.

"Yo, Giliizzle, why are you staring off into space?" Frodo said.

"I wasn't staring off into space," Giliath said. "There's a Ringwraith coming."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Because I have weird super-far-seeing eyesight cuz I'm an Elf!" Giliath said.

"Oh yeah," Frodo said. "I keep forgetting you're an Elf."

"You'd think the fact that I'm taller than you and have pointy ears is a dead giveaway," Giliath said.

Not so far off anymore, Frodo and Giliath both heard a weird Nazgul cry.

"Shit! We need to get off the road!" Frodo yelled.

"But – the mushrooms...." Sam stuttered.

"Screw the mushrooms!" Frodo snapped. "We need to get off the fucking road now!"

"Fine, Mr. Huffypants," Pippin said sullently.

They all scrambled under some conveniently located tree roots. The Ringwraith rode by and stopped right above them, and started sniffing around. Frodo started reaching for PlayHobbit again. Giliath slapped his hand, and the Ringwraith seemed to hear them. Giliath threw PlayHobbit as far away as she can, and the Ringwraith ran after it.

"Ooh! The new issue of PlayHobbit!" the Ringwraith said in a weird hissing voice far away.

"No! My issue of PlayHobbit!" Frodo yelped.

"Dude, get over it," Giliath said.

Frodo muttered incoherently.

"What was that?" Giliath asked.

"Nothing," Frodo said.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The Ringwraith caught up to them as they walked around in the woods. They all ran for a raft about 500 feet away. Pippin, Merry, Sam, and Giliath jumped on. They turned around to see Ringwraith coming after them at full-gallop. Frodo, meanwhile, was running in slow motion.

"Why the hell is he running in slow motion?" Merry asked.

"He's watched Baywatch one too many times," Pippin said.

"Frodo! Speed it up!" Giliath yelled.

Frodo kept running in super-dramatic slow motion, and the Ringwraith actually ended up passing him. (PB, "If you've seen that one scene with Pumbaa running after the part with Nala and Rafiki in Lion King 1 ½, then you know what we mean.") The Ringwraith stopped and started to turn around, and Frodo finally sped up and ran right through the horse's legs.

Frodo dove onto the raft. "Ki-yaaaa!" he yelled. "Go me, go me, I totally outran the Rizzlerathizzle!"

"Um," Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Giliath said. 'O.o'

PB, "Hm, am I being too cruel to poor Frodo? Well, no worries, he'll getter after he volunteers to take the bling to Mordor. He'll still have izzleitis (he'll have it for the whole story), but he won't be as wannabe ghetto-fab. So, whaddya think? Review!"