Disclaimers: I do not own any Weiss character.
Only Human
Ran/Aya's POV
The sun was setting, sending beautiful arrays of yellow, orange and red hue against the clear blue peaceful waves of the river. It gave me a sense of tranquility, like I was home.
I gave a small sigh, hiding my hands underneath the deep pockets of my coats. I'm alone again, thank God, I'm alone again. These days strolling down the roadside from a walk seems to calm me. It felt good to be by myself, oblivious to the world outside the safety of my barriers, barriers I've putted up for myself since the day Ran turned to the icy Aya that made up who I am now.
Leaning against the railing overlooking the vast riverside upon a setting sunset, I let my mind wander. I let all the confusion; all the thoughts and emotions run through my mind like widespread fire, not really wanting them to plague me on my sleep. Not like it can be avoided, but I won't risk letting my emotions out to the other three, no, not strong Aya.
But you're not strong...I am, I've trained for years, learned the techniques that skilled my hands upon my katana. I'm not one to give up, I thirst for perfection, I'm not afraid of anything.
You're afraid...I'm not afraid, not afraid of pain, death, life, or even fear itself. Nothing could bring me down; nothing could stand against my mission.
You feel pain...
What is it, pain? I'm not afraid of wounds or scars, they'll pass, they'll heal...
You're lying to yourself...I don't understand...
Because you're pained not in the outside, but in the inside.
I'm not...
You don't trust them, or rather, you think they don't trust you... you won't open up to them, to Youji, to Omi... to Ken.
Anger filled my veins at the last words the voice inside me had said. I hated it when I let it loose, thoughts I knew I myself am confused about, thoughts I'd rather not think about; but was already a part of me.
I don't need companions! I don't need them!
Really? Are you running from them, or are you running from yourself? You need them, Aya. He told you once, and you know he's right, you're only human.'You're only human...' Ken had said those words to me. I clench my hands to my side. I hated him, hated the brunette for wanting to bring back Ran, no matter how unconsciously so. When I had shunned myself from the world, Ken kept running after me. When I felt anger and hatred, Ken was there stopping me. When I felt pain that threatened to destroy me, Ken spoke words even I myself never thought he could think of.
I hate him, because I don't want to fall for him.
And I hate myself, hated Aya, and hated Ran, everything that made up one hell of my damned life. Just when I had everything, I lost them all, just in one night that destroyed everything I live for. The past is something I can never return to.
I was broken. I'm not longer the Ran that was born into this world; I was Aya who only lived for revenge, Aya who lost everything. I thought I had lost it all, that the only thing I was worth of was a toy to kill beasts, knowing I had turned into a beast myself, that of which I myself had made. But then when I came to realize I had just gained people who considered me their friend, seeing not the bloodthirsty Aya but the strong-willed man they thought I am.
It was then that I started to fear again. When I started to feel all the emotions that I buried along with Ran.
I was not afraid of death, no, not life, not anything.
I was afraid of also losing them.
Because I'm afraid of being alone again.
I'm only human.
I thought I wouldn't worry of anything other more than that, until my world cease to sustain the Aya I had worked so hard to create, until Ken started to make me realize my weakness. Something I thought I will never have to face.
He was my weakness. The three of them were.
I pushed him away, fear that whatever he's doing is going to destroy me in the future. Fate was never in the hands of man, and all the people I ever loved, all were taken away from me. Partly because of that, partly because I don't want to lose the thing I learned to call home: loneliness, and also because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything, even love, because I myself had been the one who ran away from it.
But Ken was stubborn, his stubbornness kept him still reaching for me, no matter how far. And I hated how he could always brush against me, break through that barrier, and seek the real person inside the mask I've created.
'Someday I'll see you laugh, and if I'm lucky, I'll be the one to first see you cry.' He had grinned, winking at me with those bright chocolate eyes, unaffected by my icy stare.
You'll never see that Ken, will never see me laugh.
I stand alone in this world, and I don't want things to change, even if it meant avoiding you. I knew I hurt you and Youji and Omi a thousands of times, and you were right, it was because I'm only human, and I'm used to being alone, being rejected, being left.
I'm afraid of the pain of losing, of being left behind.
I sigh, shaking my head. I didn't even notice how time had passed; the sun had set and bright stars sparkle the sky. I headed back to the Koneko, slipping back the mask to cover the mixed-up emotions that just overwhelmed me. Taking a glance at my watch I realized that the shop must be closed by now.
Crap, I forgot the keys...
Cursing quietly underneath my breath I leaned against the glass of the shop, searching for anyone who might be there. I'm sure the three of them were home, but at this moment they were probably eating or something, and I'm not one to yell for them. Although, I didn't want to wait out there in the sidewalk looking like a fool.
Suddenly something stirred from the counter. Squinting closely I recognized a mass of brown hair and it's owner stretching from an obviously unwanted nap. Ken must have fallen asleep there out of his own accord. All of a sudden, the brunette seemed to remember something and looked up only to meet my amethyst eyes staring blankly at him.
"Hey, Aya!" I heard him mumble as he scrambled to open the shutter of the shop. As soon as it was open and we were both staring at each other Youji suddenly appeared from the kitchen.
"Yo Aya you're back, took you longer than your usual walk. Ken here fell asleep waiting for you, since Omi's still at school" the blonde grinned as Ken shot him a furious look, quite flustered.
"Anyway Aya, Okaeri," Ken grinned; tanned hands patted my shoulder and a hefty big so Ken-like smile on his lips.
You're only human...
I gave him a soft smile, for the first time not the forced one I usually gave him, but a genuine one. Be proud Hidaka, you're the first one to see this. I could see his brows furrow, a flash of confusion in his face and all of a sudden it was replaced by another grin.
"Tadaima..." I muttered, smile still playing in my lips.
"Heh I knew it! I'll be the one to see the great Fujimiya smile for real for the first time! Oh you're too good Hidaka," He thrust his fist in the air as if he'd just won a match, happily placing an arm around my shoulder. I turned to give him a threatening glare this time about touching me, but it was only turned to vain because as usual, the ever hyper brunette ignored it. He just led me inside the shop, and turned to close the shutter behind us.
Maybe one time I'll learn to trust again, maybe, just maybe I'm not alone, and I'll finally be able to tell them everything about me, about Ran. And when that time comes, maybe I'll finally be able to tell Ken my true feelings.
But as for now, not yet.
I'm just content with the thought that I have I home I can always return to.
Because I care for them, and I'm still starting to learn to care for myself.
- Owari -
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Just something that came out of my depressed and angsty mind. This is, actually, for my friends, especially to ELLIE/Midou. If one of you is reading this right now, I have some things to say. I know I've been cold; I've been selfish and ignorant. It's because I'm afraid of knowing that I'm nothing to you guys, because I know I'm not good at anything. I admit I feel jealous when I'm left and see you guys happy by yourself, and I keep on telling myself I'm not worth it. Ever since before I've never really had true friends, only when I reached the last year of my grade school life, and only then did I learned to trust. Yet it wasn't genuine, I know I have made so many mistakes, I hurt you guys in one way or another, and I'm sorry for that. I kept on making mistakes, and yet you guys kept being on my side, and I'm eternally grateful for that. And if the time comes I became mad at you again, please disregard it and just keep in mind that I'm just afraid of being alone, that I'll come around sooner or later.
And oh, this one will be deleted when one of my friends had miraculously been able to read it. My other fics will be updated soon.
- westkitsune -