Leopold Bloom sat in the chair behind the desk, which took up a corner of Max Bialystock's office. Nervously (for what didn't he do that involved feeling nervous?) he took his blue blanket from his pocket and stroked it against his face. Its soft fabric and faint scent of old shoes and Pine-Sol was comforting to him; the strange plant he had found sitting by the large bronze bust in the office had unnerved him to the point of needing some comfort. He figured Ulla, their bombshell Swedish secretary, had brought it in to give the place a touch of warmth, but there was something about the plant which didn't sit right with Leo. He felt as though it were staring at him while he worked on the phony accounting book he planned to slip to the IRS. He could have sworn it had been getting larger with every day he arrived at the office, but he chalked it up to his own overactive imagination. Max didn't seem to notice the plant, but then again, he was too busy raising extra money for their surefire flop to notice much of anything these days. Leo still didn't understand how Max could tolerate sleeping with all of those little old ladies in exchange for funds, but the ladies seemed to enjoy it, and to Leo, that made it not quite as bad as it would seem. At least they were getting something they wanted, and Max got his money. It was a mutually beneficial relationship, as it were.
It was very warm in the office, being a hot summer day in New York City, and Leo felt himself closing his eyes against his better judgment. He and Max had stayed up all night, talking about the old days on Broadway (some older than Leo had even been alive!) Max made Leo feel so comfortable, so safe – not at all like he felt during his time working at the accounting firm, Whitehall and Marks. Max would never treat Leo the way his old boss, Mr. Marks, had. Mr. Marks had been mean and cruel and had made Leo do things he never wanted to remember; things that still haunted him no matter how he tried to forget.
But that was another time, and Leo had left it behind. He was beginning to heal, now, under Max's guidance and friendship.
Drifting to sleep, he began to dream…
He is standing on the edge of a cliff with Ulla. It's 11am, and they are about to indulge in their daily non-penetration sex acts. Ulla likes to have sex at 11, but Leo doesn't want to go past first base until he's married. Instead, he'll allow Ulla to perform oral sex, a favor he gladly returns; when Max is there, it is sometimes hard to tell where Ulla ends and Leo begins. The first time Ulla had suggested they engage in sexual acts together, Leo had been taken aback, but he discovered he found it strangely arousing. In this dream, Ulla is alone, and she approaches Leo and begins to lick his face seductively. Oh, oh, how she knows to drag her tongue just along the right side of his earlobe, driving him into near-frenzy. Leo hasn't had much experience with women prior to Ulla, so the slightest touch makes him come alive. Now she is licking all over his face, seeming to want to drink the very blood that courses through his veins. "Feed me," she says, only it isn't her voice, it's a man's, booming and authoritative. Is it Mr. Marks? Oh god, no, please, not now, not again…
"FEED ME!" the voice says again, and now it isn't coming from Ulla at all, it is from somewhere else.
Leo awoke with a start. "What?" He looked around. No one was there. Shaken, he clutched at his blanket. He felt like someone was looking over his shoulder. He even saw a shadow casting onto the desk…
"FEED ME, BLOOM!"
Leo froze; then slowly turned around. He stared straight into the face of…the Plant?
"What is this? Who are you? What are you? Oh my god, I'm getting hysterical--" He felt a tentacle smack him across the face.
"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, FOOL!" the Plant yelled.
Leo was still frozen in his chair. He began to stammer. "Wh- who- how is this possible?"
The large Plant sneered. (Was it sneering? Oh yes, it was.) "DOES IT REALLY MATTER HOW IT IS? IT JUST IS! AND IF YOU GET ME SOME FOOD, I CAN MAKE SURE YOUR SHOW'S A COMPLETE FAILURE!"
Leo stared in shock. The Plant continued.
"YOU THINK HAVING A LOUSY SHOW IS WHAT'S GOING TO WORK, BUT IT'S NOT. YOU NEED SOMETHING EXTRA, SOMETHING WITH KICK. I CAN DO THINGS LIKE COME ONSTAGE WEARING A GIANT SWASTIKA DURING THE ELEVEN O'CLOCK SONG. WHAT'S MORE OFFENSIVE THAN A PLANT WEARING A GIANT SWASTIKA?"
"Um…I don't know?"
"EXACTLY! BUT YOU NEED TO FEED ME IN ORDER FOR ME TO HAVE SOME STRENGTH TO GO ON. THOSE STAGE LIGHTS ARE HOT, YOU KNOW."
Leo was beginning to forget the myriad of questions in his mind. The Plant's conversation was fascinating.
"You've been in shows before?" he asked.
"SURE. I CREATED THE ROLE OF THE SPANISH MOSS IN OKLAHOMA!"
Leo was impressed. "Wow. That was a very groundbreaking musical. You were lucky to work in something that prestigious! I'd love to produce shows like that!"
"NO SHIT. NOW LISTEN, PAL, ENOUGH OF THIS CHIT-CHAT-PADDY-WHACK. HOW'S ABOUT SOME GRUB?"
"Oh! Sure, what would you like? I can ask Ulla, she's my secretary/receptionist, to go get whatever you need."
The Plant smirked. "I NEED FRESH BLOOD!"
Leo was speechless for a few moments. "But…but…I can't get that for you! That's impossible!"
"ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE WHERE MONEY'S CONCERNED, BUDDY. NOW LISTEN, I'VE ALREADY HAD A FEW--"
Suddenly, the Plant stopped, looked around Leo's shoulder, and quickly settled into its pot. Leo turned to see Max walking through the door of the office. The older man grinned quizzically at Leo as he dropped his coat onto the floor.
"Why, Leo, I never knew you missed me enough to start talking to the foliage while I'm gone!"
The young accountant blushed. There was something so boyish about Max, so utterly charming. "Well, I was just, ah…"
Max waved his hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it…after the sex I've been having, I'd talk to the plants, too. At least they can't use teeth on your-"
"Max, I've been thinking," Leo broke in.
"Yeeees?"
"Well…what if, you know, there isn't enough in the show to make it a really big flop? Maybe it's missing something?"
Max laughed. "Yeah, like a giant pink heart with an arrow through it with the name 'Adolf' written in cursive? Wait a minute…that's not a bad idea…" Max began to scribble on a piece of paper. After he finished, he stuffed it in his pocket and chucked Leo under the chin affectionately. "Well, kid, I'd say we should both take a nap – we've got rehearsals in a few hours, and you know how tiring those are!"
Leo grinned. "Five minutes of Roger and Carmen squabbling over what color sequins Kevin should design on the Hitler Helmets and I'm worn out!"
"Frankly, I thought 'pigeon poop gray' was a great idea. I can't imagine why Carmen dismissed it as classless." Both men laughed, and Max settled onto the cushions of his shabby couch while Leo draped himself across the top of it. All thoughts of the strange talking plant had passed from his mind as he drifted back to sleep…
It's 1:01pm at Whitehall and Marks. Leo has returned from his 15-minute lunch break and has settled himself quietly behind his adding machine, hoping Mr. Marks won't notice. He's working without complaint, mindless work, not at all the life he wants to lead, but it's what his family expects of him. He thinks he's going to be able to make it through this afternoon unscathed, at least, and that's enough for now. Suddenly, a shadow casts across his machine, and he knows he's wrong. "BLOOM!" thunders Mr. Marks. He looks angry, well, angrier than usual. His beady eyes burn with fire from behind his dark-rimmed glasses, and he pulls the cigar from his mouth with a deliberate motion, which Leo knows is anger mixed with power. Leo avoids looking into Mr. Mark's eyes, but the C.P.A. thrusts his face into Leo's. Mr. Marks' breath smells faintly of alcohol; cheap gin, Leo surmises. "Yes, Mr. Marks?" he asks meekly. The older man grins, a sickening expression indeed. "You took a sixteen-minute lunch break," he says coldly, "We'll need to discuss this in my office. NOW!" The other P.A.'s nearby jump in their seats and thank their lucky stars that Leo Bloom is Mr. Marks' special boy. They watch with a mixture of pity and relief as Leo heads towards the office, the C.P.A. trailing closely behind. The door shuts, and the P.A.'s begin to talk amongst themselves, so that they may drown out the screams they know they will soon hear. Once inside the office, Mr. Marks glares at Leo. "You know what happens when you break one of my rules, Bloom," he snaps. Leo keeps his eyes cast downward. He can barely raise his voice above a whisper. "Yes, Mr. Marks," he says shakily. The older man walks over to Leo, comes close, traces along the boy's face with his cigar. Leo smells his breath again, hot this time, hot on his neck. He feels the C.P.A. moving his hand onto Leo's crotch. "It's not so bad, is it, Bloom?" Mr. Marks whispers into his ear. "Now take them off." Leo has learned by now not to fight the boss; he's a much larger man, and such a struggle proves only to excite the demonic desire within him. Leo removes his clothes and assumes the position he knows Mr. Marks expects. It isn't long before what's happened before happens again; Mr. Marks does things to Leo which his parents have taught him only happen between a man and his wife. Sometimes the older man forces Leo to perform oral sex on him; other times he mounts him and forces the boy to scream things like, "YOU ARE A C.P.A.! I AM A P.A.!" Today is a mounting day, and Leo does his best not to lose the contents of his lunch all over the floor while Mr. Marks labors away over him. Leo dreams of knocking off the C.P.A.'s glasses; of scratching his eyeballs out and severing the very thing that causes him all of this pain and humiliation, but he's too afraid to move. Cowardice has always been his fatal flaw, and now it has caused him to allow the abuse to continue month after month. Mr. Marks grunts, and Leo hopes he's had his fill for the day. The larger man glowers at Leo. "I don't think, Bloom," he seethes, "you made it clear enough who the Certified Public Accountant is around here." Leo begins to scream, now, but not the words Mr. Marks wants to hear. "No! No! NO! Please, NO! Not again! Not again!" he weeps…
"Leo! Leo! Wake up!"
Leo again awoke with a start. He was covered in a cold sweat, and he saw Max leaning over him, genuine concern in his eyes.
"Max! Max! Oh, thank god! For a moment I dreamt I was back at Whitehall and Marks…"
"I know," Max said. "I heard you yelling out, 'No, Mr. Marks!' My god, Leo, what did they do to you over there? It sounded like a real hell hole."
Leo couldn't look into Max's eyes. Sleazy as the producer was, he cared about his protégé. Something about the abuse Leo suffered at Whitehall and Marks embarrassed the younger man deeply. He was afraid Max wouldn't understand. He was desperate to tell him, but he was petrified of his friend's reaction. What if Max thought Leo liked it when Mr. Marks anally violated him? He smiled weakly. "Oh, you know…just what you'd think," he said. "Humiliation, suffering, short lunches and toilet breaks." He winced, remembering how "toilet break" was actually Mr. Marks' code name for quickies in the swank company bathroom.
Max was studying him carefully. "Are you sure that's all it was? I thought I heard you say something about 'Please don't put the cigar there again, Mr. Marks!' It sounded…well…I've been around long enough to know. Leo, is there something you want to tell me about your days at Whitehall and Marks?"
Leo remained silent, at a loss for words. He wanted to tell Max; wanted his friend to pull him into that warm, chubby embrace and hold him close and tell him everything was all right.
"Leo?" Max prompted again. "Leo, you can tell me. I won't judge you. Come on, you know I play dirty games with octogenarians just to raise money for my shows. I'm not going to think any less of you if something seedy went on at the accounting firm."
Leo couldn't help himself. "But the little old ladies like it! You aren't coercing them and threatening to tell their families and--"
"Leo, is that what happened? Did Mr. Marks force you to do things and threaten to tell your family?"
Leo sighed. "Oh god, yes. Oh, god, Max, you have no idea." He reached for his blue blanket and began to clutch it tightly. "It wasn't at first. My father pulled strings to get me the job at Whitehall and Marks. Everyone was so proud of me, my first job in a really prestigious firm. Mr. Marks was always a little tight-assed from my first day on the job, but he never did anything to me. He'd show me around, tell me the rules; once he even put his arm around me and called me his 'special new boy'. I should have realized that was the first sign." He sighed, gaining strength as the story began to pour out. "Then the abuse started. I showed up one day to find him glaring at me, waving a half-sharpened pencil in my face. 'Bloom!' he said, 'you left this pencil on your desk. What did I tell you about leaving old pencils around?' See, he had this rule, you always had to start with a freshly sharpened Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencil every morning."
Max clutched at Leo's hand. "Go on. I'm here for you."
Leo continued. "I thought he was going to scold me, maybe dock some of my salary, but he told me to come into his office where he would teach me a lesson about not adhering to company policy. When he closed the door behind us, he started…oh god…he started to, um…"
"Touch you in inappropriate places?" Max suggested.
"Yes. First it was just that, but soon he'd force me to let him do things to me, Max. Sometimes he made me do things to him, too. It was terrible. Oh, god!" he covered his face with his hands.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"He threatened me! He told me he'd call my father and tell him his son was a fairy-boy who liked taking it in the ass! I was terrified! I didn't know what to do!" Leo was openly sobbing now. Max reached out to comfort him.
"How would he have been able to tell your father those things, though, if he didn't know about them firsthand?"
Leo sighed. "I know. I know. I didn't think. I panicked. You know how I get…"
Max smiled fondly. "Yeah."
"That's why I went insane the first day we met. When you stood over me like that, it reminded me of when Mr. Marks…"
Max put a finger to Leo's lips. "Shh, Leo. Don't think about it anymore. You're with me now, and it's all over. It's all behind you. God, I'd like to kill that man, though." Max was lit with an inner fury that surprised Leo. He didn't realize his friend would be that outraged by the abuse. It was strangely exciting to the young accountant. "Oh, Max, what would I do without you? You saved me! You didn't even know it, but you saved me!"
Max smiled. "All in a day's work, my dear boy." The two men stared into each other's eyes for a minute, maybe a little longer than was really necessary. Leo had an urge to lean in and kiss Max. It surprised him, because he didn't consider himself gay – after all, Ulla really got his motor running – but there was something about Max…
Leo cleared his throat. "So, uh, Max…how's the money coming along?"
Max seemed to snap out of a faraway place, and he shook his head at Leo. "Pretty well, all things considered. Obviously we've got the two million, but I just wanna make sure we put a pad in just in case someone messes up. I mean, more than we're planning to mess up! I gotta tell you, though, the strangest thing happened yesterday. I was just having a, uh, backer's audition with Suck-Me Fuck-Me, and I went into the bathroom to clean up a little. We had just finished playing the virgin librarian and the well-hung traveling salesman – she's a big fan of musicals, you know – and when I came out, she was gone! The check was on the table, but no sign of her anywhere. Considering she usually likes to go for seconds, I was a little confused."
"Gee, that is kind of odd! Maybe she had an emergency?"
Max shrugged. "I don't know. But even weirder thing was, when I came out to check on her, I could have sworn I heard a belch! I thought maybe she was hiding under the couch, but there was no one there!"
Leo's memories of Mr. Marks' cigar wedged in his anal tissue quickly faded. He was genuinely fascinated by this strange occurrence. "Well…maybe she remembered she had an appointment with her chiropractor?"
Max made a face. "I hate to say it, but in the list of medical ailments for old ladies, lack of flexibility is low on hers. OY!" He slapped a hand to his forehead, then got up and walked to look out the dilapidated French doors overlooking Broadway. Leo couldn't help but smile. Ulla had promised the men she would clean the office now that they had the money, and she promised it would be worth the wait.
Max was silent for a moment, but then turned back with a quizzical expression on his face. "You know what's odd? Now that I think of it, the same thing happened with Clinch-Me Pinch-Me and Lick-Me Bite-Me. One minute they were here, the next, vanished! I didn't think of it at the time, but…"
"But now that it's happened again, it does seem kind of odd!" Leo finished. He thought for a moment. "Maybe the excitement was so much, they just had to run home to write about it in their diaries?"
Max laughed. "I wouldn't be surprised. Whoever would think I'd be the subject of some dirty old ladies' fantasies!" The men shared a laugh; then Max continued, "Well, I'm going to head over to rehearsals. You coming?"
"I will, in about an hour. I just want to finish a few columns in the cooked book." Leo put his glasses on and settled back behind the desk. Max clapped him on the shoulder.
"That's my boy. It won't be the same until you get there…after all, I think Roger has a crush on you…but we'll make do the best we can." He laughed, grabbed his coat and hat, and saluted Leo as he walked out the door.
Alone, Leo began to contemplate the books. Suddenly, he heard a rustling behind him.
"SO, YOU GONNA GET ME SOME GRUB, NOW, MOUSY?"
Leo jumped. "Oh my god!" He'd forgotten about the Plant. He turned to look into its face. Well, what approximated for a face, if plants had one. The Plant had turned its front "lip" up in a sneer.
"THAT OLD LADY WAS TASTY, BUT A LITTLE DRY AND BRITTLE. CAN'T YOU FIND ME SOMETHING WITH A BIT MORE MEAT ON ITS BONES?"
Leo's jaw dropped. "OH my GOD! It was you! You made the old ladies disappear!"
"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! THEY'RE WRITING IN THEIR DIARIES, ALRIGHT…IN MY BELLY!" And then, the Plant did something truly hair-raising: it laughed.
Leo was horrified. "You can't just eat little old ladies like that! What if someone comes looking for them? What if someone finds out? And who said it was their time to die? You have no right to decide that!"
The Plant gestured its head in a don't-give-me-that-crap manner. "OH, PLEASE, KID. YOU KNOW AND I KNOW THEY'VE GOT ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE ALREADY. AIN'T NOBODY GONNA COME LOOKING FOR THEM, AND ISN'T IT BETTER THAN THEM BREAKING A HIP AND LAYING ON THE FLOOR WITH NO ONE TO HELP THEM? AT LEAST WHEN I BREAK THEIR BONES, IT'S OVER BEFORE THEY REALIZE IT!" The Plant laughed again. "AND AS FOR DECIDING, COME ON…SURELY YOU'VE WANTED TO KILL SOMEONE! SURELY YOU'D FEED THEM TO ME IF YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY!"
Leo shook his head vehemently. "Never! I could never do that to anybody. It's not right. It's unethical!"
The Plant shook its head. "TRUST ME…I KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO FEED TO ME! SOMEONE WHO'S MEATY, WITH SWEET FLESH AND BONES THAT AREN'T DRY FROM OLD AGE JUST YET."
Leo was confused. "No, I really don't! What are you talking--" But the Plant had snapped back into its resting position, as it had when Max walked into the office before. Leo turned, expecting to see his friend in the doorway. Who he saw instead nearly gave him a heart attack.
"M-M-Mr. Marks?! What are you doing here? How did you find me?" Leo felt his hands start to tremble with fear.
The glowering C.P.A. advanced on Leo, a slow, malicious grin beginning to spread across his face. "Never underestimate what a C.P.A. can do, Bloom," he sneered. Leo could smell the alcohol from across the room this time. "I just escaped from a dreadful lunch with my wife, and was on my way back to the firm when I realized I'd be passing your door, so to speak," he growled.
Leo's brow furrowed. "Wait, you're married? But I thought--"
Mr. Marks waved his hand dismissively. "A marriage of convenience. Her father is Whitehall, senior; marrying her allowed me to stake my claim in the firm…that's how it became Whitehall and Marks!" He laughed evilly. He was very drunk. Leo could see the slight stagger in his walk as he crossed to the desk. "I never much cared for a woman's touch," he shrugged. "They don't hold the excitement for me that a young man such as yourself does." He was face-to-face with Leo now, his breath once again hot in Leo's ear. Leo closed his eyes and fought the urge to panic. Where was Max when he needed him? Damn, at rehearsal, that's right. He gulped back fear. Mr. Marks ran his hand across Leo's chest. "You disappointed me, you know, Bloom; leaving me behind like that. I don't take kindly to people walking out on me. Especially not to go into something as foolhardy as show business." Leo was frozen with fear; waiting for the assault he knew was coming. Behind him, he felt a stir, and suddenly the Plant's words echoed in his ear. Could he? Would he? As if possessed by some outside force, Leo heard himself begin to speak. The words seemed alien to him. "Mr. Marks, before we catch up on old times…there's something I'd like to ask."
Mr. Marks smirked. "Getting assertive again, are we, Bloom? Well, I like a little direction now and then. What is it?"
Leo gestured to the Plant behind him. "I've always wanted to have sex amidst greenery. And, this plant here, see, it opens up really wide--" As if on cue, the Plant's jaws parted, revealing a glowing red palate.
Mr. Marks began to laugh. "I never knew you had a kinky side, Bloom," he purred. "Well, then; let's get on with it."
Leo pointed. "You go first. I want to show you how much I've missed working for you." He aimed a well-placed glance at Mr. Marks' crotch to indicate the kind of appreciation he planned to show. The C.P.A. sauntered into the Plant's jaws and turned to sneer at Leo expectantly. "Well, Bloom…I'm waiting. I haven't got all day," he growled.
And then, as Leo watched in horror mixed with a terrified glee, the Plant's jaws began to close on Mr. Marks. "What the hell is going on here?" the older man barked. "Bloom, if this is some kind of joke, you'll pay dearly for it! I'll make you--" but he never got to finish his thought, for the Plant, with a loud and satisfied crunch, snapped its jaws shut and crushed Mr. Marks to death. To his credit, the C.P.A. never uttered a sound, but Leo recalled how Mr. Marks often enjoyed pain, both giving and receiving.
Suddenly, the Plant emitted a large burp. "THAT WAS DELICIOUS."
Leo snapped out of his fear, and he faced the Plant. "I don't – I mean, I cant' – I don't know what to say," he offered.
The Plant smiled – yes, smiled. "I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO SEE DEAD. AND NOW, MY BOY, YOU'VE SAVED THE WORLD FROM ONE MORE DEBAUCHERY-LADEN ASSHOLE. AND THERE'S MORE WHERE HE CAME FROM, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU FIND THEM AND FEED THEM TO ME, AND I'LL MAKE YOUR WILDEST DREAMS COME TRUE. I'LL MAKE YOUR SHOW THE BIGGEST FLOP EVER. YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE KIND OF CRITICAL TRASHING YOU'LL RECEIVE. PLANTS AND SWASTIKAS, BABY. PLANTS AND SWASTIKAS. THINK ABOUT IT."
Leo stared. "But…but…much as I admit I'm not sorry to see you eat Mr. Marks, I can't justify killing innocent people!"
The Plant chortled. "WHO'S TO SAY THEY'RE INNOCENT? WE'VE ALL GOT SECRETS, BOY. SOME OF US HAVE WORSE ONES THAN OTHERS. SOME OF US DESERVE TO PAY FOR THOSE SECRETS."
"What about the little old ladies? Surely you can at least stop feeding on them?"
"SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK SO. THEY'RE JUST SNACKS TO TIDE ME OVER UNTIL MY NEXT FRESH MEAL. YOUR C.P.A. HAS ENOUGH MEAT TO KEEP ME FOR A FEW WEEKS, BUT THEN I'LL REQUIRE SOME FRESH CHOW. THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND IT. THINK IT OVER, BOY. EVERYTHING YOU AND YOUR PRODUCER FRIEND HAVE EVER WANTED."
Leo walked over to the couch and sank into its cushions. He didn't know what to do. Surely this was wrong, yet the Plant had a point. People like Mr. Marks deserved to pay for what they did to people like Leo. And the little old ladies were nearing the ends of their lives. It all seemed quite justifiable, if he thought about it. And he desperately wanted their show to fail, if only so Max could be on top once more. Leo wanted everything for Max even more than he wanted everything for himself. Max was his best friend, his savior…and perhaps even the man he loved. Straight or not, Leo felt a strong wave of love for his partner in crime. He remembered the look in Max's eyes when he told his friend about the abuse he'd suffered. Max would have killed for him. Yes. Leo could do it. He could kill for Max. But would he? He turned to look at the Plant once more.
"I've got to think it over," he said simply. "But we may be able to strike up a deal…"
TO BE CONTINUED…!