Need
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Degrassi characters.
Author's note: This takes place after Time Stands Still and Back in Black. I have no idea where it came from and I'm not sure I like how it came out. But I hope you like it.
It's not love. Let's get that straight right now. I don't love her. That's not what it was about when it started and I don't love her now. Love is messy and complicated and makes people go insane. This isn't love.
It's been going on for awhile now, but I still don't why it started. Why I had to go to her that day. I'd just come back to school. I'd actually been able to WALK into school. I wasn't supposed to be able to, but I did it. It should have been a great day, but it wasn't. Everyone treated me like some kind of hero. I didn't need that. I needed things to be normal, but no one understood. Not even Hazel. Even she treated me like I was made of glass.
I'd finally gotten a bit of breathing room. I was leaning against my locker, talking to Hazel and Paige when I saw her standing alone across the hall. She looked so pitiful, all dressed in black, all by herself. I asked the girls what was with her and they both just said Sean had split and she was living alone. Then, they changed the subject, not noticing that my attention was still focused on Ellie.
That night, I showed up at her apartment. I don't know why. I just thought I could help her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I knew I had to go to her. She didn't say anything to me, didn't even really look surprised to see me. She just stepped aside and let me in. I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of. I kissed her. I was amazed when she didn't pull back. I was even more surprised when she grabbed my hands and yanked me to her bedroom.
We had sex in the bed she had shared with Sean, but I didn't let myself think about that. When it was over, she rolled over and started to put clothes on. I reached out to touch her, but stopped myself. Something told me there wasn't anything to say. Without even a glance at me, she walked out of the room. I put my own clothes on and went to look for her, but she was gone. Had left the apartment. So I did the same.
We saw each other the next day at school. I tried to catch her eye, but she never even glanced my way. I guess I understand why. I'm supposed to be with Hazel and she'd probably make Ellie's life hell if she ever found out.
I showed up at her place again that night. Once again, she let me in and once again, we had sex. This time, there actually were a few words spoken between us. As she tugged my clothes off, she whispered, "You can't tell anyone."
I whispered back, "Okay." That's all we said. That's all that was needed to be said. This wasn't like me and Hazel where she needed to be reassured that I loved her before every time. Ellie didn't need that. She just needed me.
Ellie and I kept this up for a few weeks. Every night, I would go to her apartment and every night, we would have sex. It was mindless, crazy, and absolutely the most freedom that I had ever felt in my whole life. No one made me feel like she did, especially not Hazel.
One night, after we'd had sex, she turned to look at me. We were lying flat on our backs, breathing heavily. She took her hand and touched my face, pressing her fingers all along my face, almost like she was trying to memorize it. I didn't know what to say, couldn't say anything. I just kissed her and we had sex again, maybe a little gentler than every other time we had done it.
The next night, after we did it, she turned towards me again. This time I made the first move. She'd always left her arm warmers on when we had sex. I took one of her arms carefully in my hands and slowly pulled the arm warmer off. I gave her a chance to push me away, tell me I was a jackass and she never wanted me to touch her again, but she didn't do any of that. She just looked at me with tears in her eyes. After I had the first warmer off, I pulled the second one off. There were lots of scars on her arms, more than I'd ever imagined there would be. I'd heard the rumors about her, but I didn't really think they were true until I saw her arms. I used my fingers to trace the scars on her arms. There were some that were obviously old, that she'd done the year before. But they were some newer ones, ones that she'd cut after Sean had ditched her. But, I was happy to see that none of them looked brand new. She clearly hadn't cut in the last few weeks. Not since we'd been doing what we're doing. That made me happier than anything ever had. At least, I had accomplished one thing. I'd been able to help her. That's what I wanted when this whole thing started.
She asked me to show her my scar. It was the first time anyone had asked that and it freaked me out. But I saw hers so I figured it was only fair. I flipped over and let her see where the bullet came in. I felt her touch my scar and sigh. She leaned down and kissed it. I looked back at her and I felt a charge go through me. I'd never felt anything like it before.
This is the part of the story were everything's supposed to change. Where me and Ellie reveal ourselves to each other and fall in love and tell everyone that she's mine and I'm hers. That didn't happen. But things did change.
We still did it every night, but afterwards, we would talk. About everything. At first, it was stupid stuff, like movies and books and stuff. But then it got serious. She told me about her mom drinking, her dad being gone, how it felt when Sean left her. And I told her how scared I was when I saw Rick point the gun at me, how even after all this time, no one treated me normally, how things with Hazel would never be the same again. I've never talked to anyone like I talk to Ellie.
However, we still ignored each other at school. As far as everyone knew, Ellie and I barely knew one another. Plus, I was still technically with Hazel. Technically, because we weren't having sex or anything. I'd barely even touched her since the shooting. I had know desire to do anything with her anymore. She was getting frustrated, but she hadn't broken up with me. I don't know why. I certainly deserved it. I barely spent time with her; I was always with Ellie. I knew I was hurting her, but I didn't care. I wasn't in love with her anymore, if I ever had been.
That's how things are now. It's been six months since I first showed up at Ellie's apartment. Sean still hasn't come back for her and I hope he never does. Hazel still hasn't broken up with me, but it's only a matter of time. I really don't care if she does. She should be happy. Just not with me.
This isn't love. It's more than sex, but it's definitely not love. Ellie says love only causes pain and I think she's right. Her mom's supposed to love her, but drinks herself into oblivion. Sean loved her, but left and barely calls her. My parents love me, but have hardly been around since I was about 10. Love sucks.
This isn't love. Ellie and I comfort each other, make each other laugh, and know things that nobody else knows about each other. It's the greatest feeling in the world and I hope it lasts forever. We're in our own little world where no one can hurt us or spoil our relationship. This isn't love. It's something better.