Yes, I am the Dark Lord, the man who's trying to kill the boy who lived, the man with the mad glint in his eyes...
Don't be afraid, my child, just start the session...
Why am I here?
Well, you see, it's getting sometimes quite stressful to be the bad guy... to do all those plans to get to the blasted boy...
Are you saying that my plans suck?
Well, its not my fault that they don't work...
Lucius Malfoy is the man to blame... hes the one with all the cunnings and evil stuff in his quite handsome head...
No, I'm not gay! Why would you think that?
No it's not a purse! It's a manpurse... very hot in France at the moment... but why would you know...
Why am I doing all these things and not something else like designing clothes in Paris?
How did you know that that has always been my life long dream? oh, it says so in the paper...
Well, when my mother died and my pappa left me... I-I just lost all my hope and thought that nobody loved me...
Yes, you can lose hope just after your birth you moron!
And then when I entered Hogwarts and met Albus... I mean that old goat who goes by the name Dumbledore, I somehow snapped... that man was all the time on my heels... I mean literally on my heels... I lost five pairs of shoes because of him...
What do I want from you?
Well, is it not clear to you? well it should be... I am paid 75 gallons per hour so use your brain...
I heard that you are very smart at school... even when you are a mudblood...
Oh, don't you slap at me young lady... aahhhh my eyes, my eyes, I'm blind!
What in the name of Halloween did you do?!
Pepperspray?!
Fine, I won't use that word again... not to your face anyway, but at home, when I'm laying next to Lucius after we have had some nice Voldie-Lucius time... I mean after we have rubbed all our plans ready... then, and only then, I will use the "ugly" word... is that ok?
Moving on, my schedules as tight as Lucius well-trimmed ass today...
So what should I do when the stress is too much?
Cook like a muggle? now you have lost it...
Why would I do something that low... Yak!
Well, on the other hand, nobody would know... and I have actually always wanted to bake those blueberry muffins... that Wormtail and I ordered one time at AlbusD.'s place...
What about that stone (Potter) in my Italian shoes?
Yes, he is going to die... after I have had a nice vacation in Rome and visited some mafia bosses for illegal italian shoes... that doesn't come with a rock if you catch my drift...
Why to kill him, you ask.
Don't you see what he is going to do to my fame? and my long lost dream... he is going to steal them!!!
(at this point the Dark Lord is screaming and waving his unmuscular arms)
What do you mean he doesn't like designing clothes?
Are you blind or something?
Don't you people see what hes wearing?! he's creating a new look... and then everybody is going to love him even more... and forget all about me...
(Dark Lord sobbing)
Got some handkerchief? Thanks...
Yes, I think it is time to finish... I will see you next week...
Can I bring a friend?
Why?
Well there are some confidential issues between us and I would like to clean the air.
Who, you ask.
One Severus Snape who, I think, is sleeping with something that belongs to me and I think that he is doublecrossing me... but it could also be Nott, I'm not so sure... so I thought that I should look into things before I Avada Kedavra them...
Yes, good day to you too miss Granger and tell mister Potter to kill himself... bay...
"Gotta tell Snape to watch his back and frame Nott... Oh, and tell Harry that old Voldie said hi!" Hermione thought before she appeared home to her three children and house husband Ron.