Lonely Christmas - Chapter 5 - Heartache

I lay on my bed with one arm draped over my eyes, wallowing in self-pity. I've been doing this for quite some time, and it really does me no good, but I would rather lay here and rot than go and see Andrew...just the thought of his name makes me want to scream and punch the remaining fluff out of my already-beaten pillows.

I begin to stir for the first time that morning, wiping the bangs away from my eyes with a sleeve wet from tears. See? I knew it...woman really do suck.

...So why can't I bring myself to believe that about Serena?

I don't think her intentions were to hurt me...perhaps she's still completely oblivious to the fact that I'm head-over-heels for her. God, I knew I should have said something way before it had gotten so late!

I muster up enough strength to at least drag myself out of bed and into the living room. I'm overwhelmed by the smell of pine emanating from the Christmas tree, and just to the right of it it's snowing outside my large picture window. I stand there looking at the scene for a moment, taking in everything from the lights, to the decorations, to the snowmen outside, to the snowplow that just went by down the street.

Oh, how I wish that snowplow would just scoop me up and plow me to hell.

All of these things, these Christmas hoo-has and doo-dads...they no longer make me happy. I'm back to being a cross between the Scrooge and the Grinch, and I hate it. I want to go back in time, just to yesterday, where I didn't have a care in the world and was even planning on making a snowman of my very own, with Serena if she could come. But now, Serena will be spending all of her time with Andrew, and I, stupidly, volunteered to help.

I sigh, turning away from the window and free-falling onto the couch, though I was half-hoping I'd miss and smack my head on the coffee table and die.

I turn my head to the table and my eyes fix upon the two mugs of untouched hot chocolate. They, too, must be as cold as I feel. I look up to the ceiling and sigh heavily.

Serena...

I close my eyes as they begin to sting again, welling up with tears I am too tired to let go. I'm sick of crying. I hate it. The tears streaming down my face remind me of the awful childhood that's left me alone forever.

And now that Serena doesn't want me, I've given up hope for my adult life as well.

So begins another day as the Grinch/Scrooge, I suppose. I'm left to feel lonely from the tip of my nose, all the way to my toes. I'll get Andrew and Serena together, all right; then disappear from their lives, forever out of sight. They'll never realize I'm gone, those two; upon my name coming up, they'll ask, "Darien who?"

And that's how Andrew stole my freaking Christmas. Or made me insane from making up that stupid rhyme.

But this isn't about me, or Andrew stealing my Christmas. This is about Serena, and if I can't have my Christmas wish, then by gum, I'll give Serena hers.

~*~*~

It takes me a while longer to actually get motivated enough to emerge from my lair, but I do it, and soon I'm setting off toward Crown Arcade. You know, the place I used to actually enjoy going to, but now I'd burn it down if I could?

'Think of Serena, Darien. Think of Serena...'

How can I not, when she's been on my mind all the time? But now Andrew comes in and destroys all of these wonderful daydreams of mine, and I'm just left to wallow and drown in the pity I've made for myself. Again. It seems like that's all my life is about, and for a second or two, I thought that that was going to change; that Serena would be my guardian angel, and rescue me from the hole I've dug myself into all these years.

But her heart belongs to someone else. Can I blame her? Up until this month I've been nothing but ruthless to her; I teased her, called her names, and just did anything to upset her for my own entertainment. Looking back on it, why did I ever find any of that amusing? God, I think I need to get a little more immature.

The doors to Crown slide open with a whooshing sound and I blow in along with some snow. The floor at the entrance is wet and slippery, so I take my time making my way over to Andrew. That's my excuse for going so slowly, anyway.

"Hey," I greet carelessly, plopping down on a stool as I slide my coat down my arms.

Andrew smiles as if he doesn't know he's ruining my life. "Hey, Darien! Give me a second and I'll be right there with your hot chocolate, okay?"

"Eh, no thanks, Andrew. Let me get an iced tea, okay?"

Andrew shoots me a surprised look, but shrugs it off and turns around to get me my order. Yeah, that's right, changing it up a bit. Not used to it? Deal.

Oooh, I'm so threatening with my iced tea.

Because of the snow it's a bit of a slow day, so Andrew sets the iced tea down in front of me and takes a stool behind the counter. He sits down across from me, taking a rag to the already clean, fake-marble surface. Because he's too dense to think of anything better to do. This job rules his life. What does Serena see in him, anyway?

"So..." I begin, hesitating by taking a sip of my beverage. I want to delay this process for as long as possible, as if Serena will come bursting through those stupid sliding doors, shout, 'Wait!' and tell me that she made a mistake; that Andrew isn't the one she wants, and she's secretly madly in love with me, and then we'd run away together and...

"...So?" Andrew replies. I shoot him a look without even realizing it at first. Quickly, I retract it into a fake smile.

"So I was thinking, y'know, since our last conversation about Serena," I explain slowly. How would I word this?

"Yeah?" he asks. Shut up. Just shut up, will you?! This is hard enough as it is!

"...do you like Serena? You know, like, like like her."

Andrew's eyebrow raises and he looked up at the ceiling, as if this is some sort of trick question and he really needs to think about it. I roll my eyes, now out of his field of vision, as he looks like he's inspecting the drip stains above us. If he really needs to think about it, then obviously he doesn't love her as much as I.

Another minute goes by before Andrew decides to snap out of his trance and look at me. He kinda had me convinced there that he had more of an infatuation with the stains on the ceiling than he could for any girl.

And then those dreadful words roll of his tongue:

"Yeah, I guess I do kinda like her."

My mind began to spin again, though not as severely as the night before. Part of me was really expecting him to completely deny it, and that would be that. I would tell Serena that Andrew didn't like her, then go in for the kill. But of course, nothing really ever goes as planned. That little hope was what brought me to this step in the first place, and now it was gone.

"...Oh," I stammer, rather surprised. Andrew asks me why, and very reluctantly I reply, "Because yesterday when I was with her, she told me she really liked you...and it would really make her happy if you took her out sometime..."

I watched Andrew evaluate the situation based on the looks on his face. Surprised. Happy. A bit excited. Smiling. Confused. Happy again.

"Maybe I'll take her out sometime!" he exclaims, a huge smile on his face. I feel like crying, or beating him up or something, as he thinks about his plan out loud. "Maybe I'll take her to see a movie, or take her out to a restaurant, or that amusement park downtown..."

Idiot. Sure, Serena likes those things, but doesn't he know she would be much more content walking around town, or through the park? It's Christmas time. She LOVES Christmas time, especially watching other people enjoy it themselves. She wants to be outside, enjoying the moment...no cooped up in a movie theater or a restaurant, for heaven's sake...

I just shrug, taking a large sip of my iced tea.

"This is really great news, Darien. I can't believe she told you she likes me!" he wasn't half as excited as I would have been. "Wow, I can't wait until the next time she comes in here!"

As if on cue, our favorite little blonde came skipping in just as Andrew was walking toward the entrance. Like I said before, the floor was very wet and slippery, and Serena didn't hesitate to begin falling seconds she got through the door. She let out a little yelp, her small form going toward the floor. I jumped up, eyes wide and arms extended to save her as I ran over.

But Andrew catches her tightly in his arms.

She's pressing against him, her slim arms wrapped tightly around his stomach area with her head to his chest. She's breathing heavily, looking down at the floor. I can see she recognizes the shoes she's gazing at and associates them with Andrew, therefore lingering longer than necessary in the man's strong hold on her. She stands up slowly, separating the two of them just a bit, so she can look up at his eyes and smile a sweet smile that makes my heart skip a beat. If only she looked at me like that...

"Thank you..." she says softly, her cheeks red. I know it's not from the cold.

I can't see anymore of this. I toss my money carelessly onto the counter and get up, walking past them without so much as a goodbye from either of them.