Born to be Hanged: Hehe, thanks. grins Yeah, I realized that myself once I started writing it. One huge temptation with this kind of story is to eventually make your character soften up and melt down. I'm going to try as hard as I can not to. If I start going down that path, hit me over the head with a frying pan.
ThoseRainyDays and DarkAngelPearl: Thanks! I'll be updating a lot because this story is so much fun to write.
Summary: A regular, LOTR-loving teenager finds herself in Middle-Earth, suddenly. The only way she can get back is through Gandalf. Problem is, she's in the Shire. He's in Rohan. See her dilemma? So she gets dumped on everyone's favorite group of travellers - and they aren't too thrilled with their very...opinionated new member of the group. Will they make it in time? Will they survive? Will they, oh, crap, forget the suspense.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Sue me and prepare to face the same elven arrow flurry as before.
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We set out at around noontime, or, at least, I think so. The sun's way up in the sky, that's all I need to know.
Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, and Arwen, all up there on their fast horses, are way ahead of me, and Merry and Pippin who had begged, and pleaded, and bribed, to come along.
I try to get my pony (the hobbits gave it to me. Really short thing. Shorter than my dog.) to go faster. It's gallop can hardly keep up with the bigger horses' trots. This is going to be a long journey. I can tell because my ass is already sore.
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So, just as we enter the forest to leave the Shire, my pony decides to start acting up. I can't blame it. I'm 5'6 and it's back is probably 4 feet, max. but it starts dropping its head and trying to stop and eat. I decide now is a good time to give it a name, but, because I intend to call it by this name (and remember that I'm still trying to pursuade Legolas and the others that I am not an evil bitch bent on causing chaos and destruction) I can't call it Jackass, as I am so tempted to do.
"I'll name you Pita. Stands for Pain in the Ass. But no one has to know it." I say. The little white pony ignores me. Damn pony.
So, we trot along through the woods. Trot, trot, trot, choppy little strides. Ass killing me. Then, I hear a long, high-pitched screech. "AHHH! RING WRAITH!" I scream bloody murder and kick my pony into a gallop, only to glance up and see an eagle. The eagle, damn thing, makes a point of making the same sound after my scream stops echoing.
Legolas gives me one of his "I-am-too-polite-to-say-what-a-paranoid-idiot-you-are" looks. Hey. Its a look, right?
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About a half-hour later, I am over almost getting eaten by a giant, man-eating eagle. In fact, I'm quite bored. We have slowed to a walk because the horses (especially my fat little Pita) were getting tired.
Subconsciously, I start to sing "The Remedy", that wacky Jason Mraz song that popped into my head. "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII won't worry my life awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" I sing.
"What are you singing? A folk song of some sort?" Pippin asks, trotting his little black pony up next to Pita (his ears were back. I think he hates my singing. Wait. I stopped calling him it, didn't I?)
I look around, wishing my best friend Erica were here to cover for me. "Sorta."
I hope Pippin will be satisfied with that. Nope. "Can you teach me some?" Hell, I want a little fun. So, I teach Pippin the song. and Pippin teaches Merry.
Suddenly, I'm not bored anymore. We've picked up a trot again, and the hobbits and I are singing, quite badly, our new theme song. "Cause the remedy is the experience, it is a dangerous liaison, the comedy is very serious, it is a strange enough new play on words!" and so on and so on. If you listen to the radio you've heard the song and don't need me to describe every lyric to you. It would take your time.
Legolas is obviously ignoring us. Good, because, if he looked at me, my voice would squeak and then I'd have to die of embarrassment.
"You are going to attract the wraiths." Aragorn says. "A little farther and we'll reach an open area where we can camp for the night."
We all shut up. I don't want to be wraith food.
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It's around 10 now. The moon is full. It's actually really pretty, big and orange as the harvest moons back in normal Earth that happen in the fall. Damn, now I sound all sentimental. Actually, I'm trying to enjoy every minute of my stay here in Middle Earth. It's every girl's dream to be on a mission with these guys. Except, unfortunately for me, the only people who have had the courtesy to come and talk to me are Pippin and Merry.
but talk we do. We're like a little trio, buzzing around and talking. I'm sort of avoiding Legolas now. Well, not really, but you know how it is. Like in school. You see the guy of your dreams walking down the hallway. And what do you do but either 1) hide behind your locker or 2) turn and run like a bat out of hell? I don't think he notices though. Nor cares. Woe is me.
Another hour must have gone by now. Pippin, Merry and I are standing watch, only because we wouldn't have shut up and gone to bed anyway. It's pretty uneventful, actually. Pita is tied to a tree, unlike most of the horses, because I don't trust him. I know he'd run away. Damn pony.
At about 12:30, I hear a rustling and growling in the bushes. Pippin and Merry do, too. "An orc!" Merry whispers fearfully. My eyes take up my whole head.
"We have to wake someone!" Pippin said.
"Gimli's closest." Merry points out.
"You couldn't wake him with a sledgehammer... Amy, go wake up Legolas." Pippin says urgently, as the rustling in the bushes gets louder.
I nod. But I have no intention in hell of waking up legolas. I walk over to Aragorn. "Aragorn! Orc!" I say, shoving him.
Aragorn jumps up immediately. His loyal horse trots over to him, in case he has got to get away. I glare at Pita out of the corner of my eye. Damn disloyal pony. "What?" Aragorn says.
"In the bushes." I point at the bushes. "Can't you hear it?"
"Rustling." Says Aragorn. He walks closer to the bushes. "Come out and fight, vile creatures!" He challenges. I hold my breath and hold a stick I found on the ground up like it was a sword. Pippin and Merry do the same.
And then, the rustling grew even more intense. And from the bushes, dark and sinister in the dim moonlight, strode....
cue Jaws music
more Jaws music
yet more Jaws music
A fox-like creature with a mouse in its mouth. "STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! GODDAMN YOU, YOU STUPID, STUPID ASS OF A...A THING!" I scream, tossing a rock at the small animal. It yelps and runs away.
Pippin and Merry blink at me. Aragorn chuckles. "That's your orc? I think you're all getting a bit tired. Go to sleep, and I'll keep watch for a while."
I have no intention of sleeping. This is too cool. But then I remember how tired I am. Uh oh. Light...fading... must...not...relent.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Please do not disturb.
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Awww shit. Shit. Ow. Crap. Damn. Pain. How do these guys survive riding hard then sleeping on the ground? I stagger to my feet. Everyone else is up and moving around. Legolas, coming back with some berries, apparently from the forest (no, smart one, they fell from the sky), gives me another look. I immediately stand up and pretend to be dutifully searching for Pippin.
I walk down to the far edge of camp, a bit beyond. It's beautiful, actually. The sun is rising over the horizon, a flock of birds flies in front of it. A herd of horses grazes far below. I wonder if maybe they're a bunch of escaped jackass ponies like Pita.
I hear a noise behind me. A twig snaps. "Morning, Merry." I say without looking back. Good. I'm glad he found me. Now I have someone to stand with me so I don't look out-of-place.
Then I hear a growl. A low, throaty growl. Woah. Merry must've woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I turn around. And look up. Purple. Tall. Warty. Eww...odoriferous... definitely NOT Merry. The not-Merry orc takes its club and swings it at me. I jump out of the way. Barely. Clumsily. DAMN, AMY, YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN KARATE!
"Um, ORC!" I scream, hoping someone, anyone, will hear me. After dodging several blows, I remember that I should not be hopping around like mad. I should fight. "You ready, bitch? I'm taking you down." I hiss, sounding relatively threatening (it's just like one of those suspension-resulting fights that EVERYONE always provoked with me at school).
I pick up a rock and throw it. It hits the orc in the head. Before I can celebrate, it roars. Damn. I pissed it off. Oh shit. I reach down to pick up another rock, but stumble trying to dodge a blow at the same time.
Oh no. I'm on the ground. Exactly where I don't want to be. On the ground. "HELP ME!" I scream. I don't have time to get up. If only I had taken karate instead of home economics...I just wanted something to occupy sixth period that I wouldn't miss when I ditched...
I closed my eyes. Damn. Amy, you are sad. You know that!? SAD! You are going to die because of one damn orc. And you know why you're gonna die? Not because you got hit, bitch. BECAUSE YOU FREAKING TRIPPED. So, as I mentally massacre myself, I hear something.
WHOOSH.
Thud.
Oh. My. God. I KNOW that whoosh-thud! Hooray, this is exactly how my dreams go! I open my eyes.
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the orc is dead. On the ground. Good... good, we're on the right track here...and, sticking out of him, is an...
axe.
Wait.
AXE!? Oh, just kill me! I glance to my side. Gimli is pulling his axe out of the orc. "Ye really can' fight at all, can ye?" He asked me, stroking his beard. Okay. First, he saves me. He had the NERVE to save me! Then, he insults my fighting abilities.
"WHY DID YOU SAVE ME!?" I screech.
Gimli looks surprised. "If I, er, wasn't mistaken, you were about to get slashed by that orc." He says.
I glance across the camp site. Pippin and Merry are rushing over. Aragorn and Legolas are strolling over. Leisurely. Hello. Can you really be sure I'm not dead here? That's the one thing I envy Mary Sues for. No matter how annoying they may be, whenever they get a little scratch, everyone fawns over them like they're going to bleed to death. But me? Nope. No matter at ALL for what physical of even emotional distress I may be in.
"I think you need trainin'." Gimli says. I blink. Training? Sounds difficult. I am a grade-A slacker. Training does not fit my agenda.
"Um..."
"We'll give you a quick session to get you started here. I'll help." Aragorn says. "Take these." He hands me two little daggers.
I would do a little show-offy throwy thing with them, but I'm not really into self-mutilation.
"Training will start in about an hour. Legolas and I are off to get some wood." Gimli says. Damn lucky Gimli. First he saves me. Then he insults me. Now he's taking MY mission. Getting firewood isn't hard. Especially with Legolas.