ROBIN and all related characters, names and indicia are TM & © DC Comics 2004. Story by Chuck Dixon, novella adaptation by Ice Spectre.
Rated PG
"TRIUMPH OVER TRAGEDY" - The Latest Score
"You've got me under your skin! More precisely, you've got me in your mainframes, dearest Gotham!"
The Joker's grinning face filled the screen of the television set in Mayor Hill's office.
"I've installed a little program of mine into the city's computer systems. maybe you've already started noticing the results? Let's review, gentlemen. Gotham's finest, their police force, have had a hundred bucks deducted from their paychecks 'to help the city meet its debt'. And one thousand city firemen received layoff notices in the mail today. Boy, are they feeling burned! And a five hundred percent property tax surcharge was levied on all city businesses yesterday. A big kick to their bottom line! Oh, and with most of the city's power blacked out, we have so many fires because people are using almost any means to stay warm! And I'm sure you saw on the news just moments ago about the welfare mom who got busted for ten thousand dollars in parking fines. The punchline? She doesn't own a car! Get it? Har har har!!!"
"Shut it off," Mayor Hill commanded from across his office. "It doesn't get any better on the second viewing."
Sergeant Holmes pressed "STOP" on the VCR. "What's The Joker want?"
"He hasn't said yet," added Lieutenant Gryssom.
"Where did we get the tape?" asked Hill's legal assistant.
Commissioner Gordon was staring out the window. "It was delivered to Police Headquarters with two dozen lilies."
"And a sympathy card commiserating over the death of Gotham City," Hill added, sinking into his chair. "My aching butt. His little computer virus is killing the city by inches. Gotham Light and Power has blackouts all over the grid. The Police and Fire departments are threatening strikes. I got every civil rights group in town taking legal action and picketing. Businesses are packing to move to the Sunbelt. The switchboard downstairs looks like the Fourth of July!"
Gryssom spread his hands. "Why don't we tell the public that The Joker is behind all this?"
"And admit he has us by the short hairs?" Hill turned an incriminating finger on the Commissioner. "Gordon, this is your job! Use whatever means necessary to shut this creep down!"
"Yes, sir," Gordon answered evenly. Then more quietly added, "I've got a few experts to talk to first." Gordon hoped there would be a few. Robin was the hacker extraordinaire, but Batman was the hero of Gotham City.
I was all the way on the other side of town when the signal was lit almost fifteen minutes ago. And it's snowing again. I hope Gordon hasn't given up and left. Nah, he's been known to wait there for over an hour on occasion.
But I know he's not going to be happy to see me without Batman again.
This time he doesn't even wait for me to land on the roof.
"You're alone again," he looks disappointed in me. Hey, what the heck am I supposed to do? I'm doing my best.
"He's been held up outside Gotham, Commissioner. You'll just have to settle for me."
"I'm not sure--"
Oh, that's it. "You don't have a choice. The Joker has this city on the run. You can't turn down any help that's offered. I'll do what you tell me, Commissioner. You tell me to stay out of this, I will. But Batman taught me everything I know about being a detective. And I taught him everything he knows about hacking. I could be useful. I promise I could. You tell me what you want."
Gordon sighs. "You're right, of course. The city's computer experts are baffled by all this. They can trace the virus back to the main terminals at the phone company. The Joker's set up mazes and traps in the system, fail-safes and self-destructs. I don't pretend to understand it all. This prank could plague the city for years. The only way to purge the system is to shut it down for a week and hunt down the virus."
"Byte by byte. Great." I do understand all this virus-hunting stuff. They'll never find it. Not without setting off some time bomb virus or some Trojan Horse virus, more likely. Besides, shutting down the city for a week would kill it. "That would be like putting a tourniquet around someone's neck because their head was bleeding."
This is definitely not going to be easy. The only way to find that virus is to know, before we start looking, where it is. And even then we may not find it easily. The only people who know where it is are The Joker and his gang, and Osgood Pellinger. I think my best bet is still Osgood Pellinger. And I have no idea at all where he is, and no idea where to start looking. I could start looking for that computer virus and have more luck. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. I just have to wait for the Commissioner to release that video tape they received to me, and wait for Joker to make a move. I hate waiting.
Joker stood in front of a haphazard stack of television sets, all tuned to different channels, all reporting on the havoc he was wreaking on Gotham City.
"Thankew! Thankew! And thankew!" he bowed with distinct polish. "You're beautiful. I mean that. Riots! Strikes! Thousands homeless! It's all so epic!" he turned to his men. "There's talk of recalling the Mayor! Others are moving to make the whole city a Federal Disaster Area! And at the center of it all is little old me!" He looked so modest and flattered by the implication.
"Old long-ears didn't bother to show last night. Just that not-so-special effect. Has to be a reason for that, no? Apparently he's out of town and out of my life, and only Junior Birdboy to watch the store!" There was that evilly ecstatic look in his eyes that people had come to know and fear.
"I dominate the airwaves! I'm a ratings bonanza! I'm the main boob on the tube!"
"Yeah, 'cept for the Bowl Game, boss," Bones added, unaware of any offense.
"Who spoils my reception?" Joker turned and leered directly at Bones.
"S'true," Bones hoisted a slice of greasy pepperoni pizza towards an advertisement for the game on TV, "The Hammer Bowl is bein' played at Gotham Stadium tomorrow. Big money's on the Metropolis Machine."
"Big money?" Joker hated being upstaged by football. "You want to talk big money? Smart money's on me, boys. I'll give you the Gotham Giants and a skillion points! I just figured out how we're going to deliver our ransom note."
The game's already started. I missed the kickoff. I missed the whole first quarter and most of the second. Overslept. I'm allowed to do that on Sunday. Especially since I've been chasing a cold Joker trail for over a week. Alfred's making dinner. Gotham's losing. Badly. What did you expect when we're playing against the city that's home to Superman? Honestly, I'm not even too into seeing the game this year. I've got tons of other things to worry about. But in honor of the game, I'm wearing my Gotham Giants sweatshirt. The one with the cutoff sleeves. I've got a white button down shirt under it, but Alfred still says it make me "look like a rag-a-muffin". Whatever that is. I'm just gonna hang out in the kitchen with Alfred until dinner's ready. Then I'm going to hang with Ives and the gang for a little while, and when the sun goes down, I'll get ready for another long night. Although I don't know what I'll spend it doing or looking for.
Alfred has the TV volume down lower than usual. Maybe he didn't want to wake me up. But then again, my room is a long way from here, I'd never have heard him.
"...nearing the end of the first half on a cold afternoon here at Gotham Stadium..."
"Anything else on The Joker, Alfred?"
"No, Tim. And I've had the television set on all day. Perhaps the Clown Prince has decided to take Sunday off."
"Not in this lifetime!" I pull open a couple of cabinet doors. I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm not really hungry, and this is the cabinet that only has dishes anyway. I think I'm really looking for clues about The Joker and my body feels the need to help out by physically looking into things. Yeah, we've been studying Freud in Intro to Psych for the past two weeks.
I wander over to the TV and stare at it. Gotham's still losing.
"...Gotham is taking a licking here..."
Wait. Alfred turned this on?
"Football, Alfred? I'm surprised."
"I haven't had time to change the channel," Alfred is slicing a cucumber. "What a brutal and dull sport American football is. Not at all the game ruggers and soccer are."
"...as the Machine rolls on..."
Yeah, right. If that's true, then...
"Then why don't I put something else on?"
"No!" Alfred reaches out to stop me, then composes himself. "I mean... I'm mildly curious to see how the quarter ends."
"Sure." Heh-heh.
"...Hey, what's this? Has the halftime entertainment started early?..."
"What's happening there, Tim?"
"I don't know, let me turn it up." All the TV cameras are focusing in on the scoreboards. They all say "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA". This does not look good.
"...Looks like a glitch in the system as the scoreboard graphics go wacky. I've never seen anything like this, Paul..."
Suddenly, on the right side of the scoreboard, is the image of The Joker decked head to toe in Giants apparel. The left side of the screen still reads "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and it's scrolling. Oh no.
"Howdy sports fans and athletic supporters everywhere!" I feel like punching him. I'm only seeing a screen of him on a screen, two degrees of separation, when I wish I had him in front of me in person. Although I might not wish that when it happens...
"I'm here to bring a grin to the gridiron, to carry a giggle to the goalposts! And I'm also here for business. I have a little proposition for the city fathers, a little remuneration in return for which I'll stop my computerized naughtiness. All I want from Gotham is one billion dollars."
...A BILLION DOLLARS?
"He really is mad," Alfred's little chopping sounds had ceased when The Joker made his ransom demand.
I'm finding it hard to breathe. "And we haven't even made one step towards stopping him." Somehow, somewhere, this whole thing got way out of control, and it's become my fault. Batman leaves for a couple of weeks and Gotham City dies in the hands of Robin, his helpless, useless kid partner. This is not looking good at all.
"I want it in one week, pickup to be detailed later. If not, then I really put the screws to this burg. Much like the visiting players are doing to your home team! And! I want the money delivered by Batman."
I turn the TV off. What am I going to do? He wants the money in a week, and Batman's not due back for another week and a half!
"The city doesn't have a billion dollars. They could never pay that."
"The money isn't what he wants, Tim," Alfred isn't looking at me. And he's speaking slowly and carefully. "He asked to have the money delivered by Batman. He's called your bluff."
Mayor Hill swept a file full of papers from his desk in anger, scattering them across the floor between himself and a pacing, smoking Commissioner Gordon. "This city has been near default for years and now it's near total collapse and The Joker wants a billion? In cash? He must be nuts!"
Gordon tried to suppress the urge to comment on how obvious it was that of course The Joker was nuts, but he couldn't. "That's exactly the problem, Mayor."