Gandalf: Pippen's bodyguard

Frodo: Stalker

Aragorn: Grooming

Legolas: Chef

Sam: Defense

Boromir: Counseling

Merry: Cleaning

Pippin: Shelter

Gimli: Tracking

So, we now see the fellowship just outside Rivendell, where they have decided to set up camp for the night. Despite complaints the day before, the whole fellowship is keen to show they have what it takes to, umm, have the job. Aragorn, especially, is ready to show off his new found… err… power.

"Oooohhhh, Leeg-olaas!"

Legolas came creeping out from his hiding spot. "Yeeess…?"

"Well, seeing as I do hold the position of making sure everyone is looking quest material… pulls out scissors"

Legolas fell back in shock. "Aragorn…" he said desperately. "You really don't want to do that… scissors are very dangerous… if you're not careful, they could accidentally cut something shiny and smooth…"

Aragorn looked at Legolas with an evil grimace. "And blonde?"

"Exactly."

Aragorn snip the scissors. "I know!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Aragorn began to chase Legolas around the camp laughing like a maniac. Sam looked over at them. "Idiots. We're never going to get any food around here… now, Mr. Frodo…" Frodo stopped his 'chasing-his-own-ass' routine that had been going on since they left.

"Yes? Is it really important?"

Sam pulled out a sword. "Now, Mr. Frodo! I don't want to do this, but you are putting Mr. Frodo's life in danger, if you don't stop then god help me, I will ram this sword down your throat!"

Frodo looked at Sam in a pleading kind of way. "But, but, but, but, Sa-a-a-a-a-m… it's my job!"

"Well, my job is to protect you from all danger, even yourself if that be the case." With that, Sam walked off. Frodo shrugged and started chasing himself again.

Boromir crept closer to Frodo. "So, Mr. Baggings… what have you been up to lately?"

"Well, I've just spent the last 2 hours chasing my ass."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Well, it's kinda depressing…"

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Well, depressed I guess. And dizzy. And angry at you for giving me this job."

"Why would you say that?"

"Well, it's not very easy, you know, trying to stalk your self. I'd be better off stalking Gimli or Legolas or someone. But I guess I'm better off then others."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's nothing compared to what Pippin's going through." Frodo nodded towards Pippin, who was on the verge of tears as the tent he was building feel down for the 13th time.

Boromir looked at Pippin in thought, and then shrugged "Meh. Anyway, he's got Gandalf hanging around."

He was right, as Gandalf was sitting right next to the depressed Pippin, resolved to do absolutely nothing. Pippin looked at Gandalf pleadingly.

"Pleeeeease, Gandalf?"

"No."

"But you're so tall! It wouldn't take long… all you have to do is hold this pole here, and I'll loop this rope around here…"

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Well, Pippin, nothing in the job description said anything about helping you. All I have to do is make sure you don't chuck yourself over a cliff in despair."

"Well, you're a pretty lousy bodyguard."

"Yeah, you aren't doing to good a job your self." Gandalf said, indicating the lump of cloth, ropes and poles lying on the ground.

After leaving Frodo, Sam had moved onto Merry to hassle him about doing his jobs.

"Elrond gave us these jobs to prevent us from slacking off, and we all agreed to it. Yet you sit here, like a pathetic bum…"

Merry interrupted. "On a bum."

"SAME THING! The fact is that you are abusing the easiness of your job!"

"Well, it's a pretty dumb job. There's nothing here to clean."

"You can make the job boring, or you can make it interesting and fun!" Sam pulled out a tin of polish and a cloth. "Get to work on those rocks."

Merry stared at him. "WHAT?"

"It's up to you how you do your job. With the right attitude, you can have the time of your life! Here, flick it onto track 4 and see how you go." Sam said, hading Merry a CD and walking off to harass Legolas about the lack of food.

After looking for a bout half an hour Sam found him cowering behind a rock stroking his hair looking paranoid. "Hey, Leggie, what happened to the spaghettios you promised us?"

Legolas looked up at Sam and threw himself at his feet. "SAM! You have to help me! Aragorn wants to cut my hair… he wants to make me… QUEST MATERIAL! HIDE ME! HELP ME! I WANNA LIVE!"

He then retreated back to his hidey hole and started swaying back and forth. "But you gotta have frie-e-e-ends…"

"Leggie, what if I said that I would defend you against Aragorn if you go cook us some food?"

Legolas turned sharply around to face Sam. "Sam, would you, would you please? Will you take his scissors? Will you kill the scissors? Will you? Will you? PLE-E-E-E-EASE! I would be ever so grateful!"

Sam looked at Legolas in sympathy. "Of course."

Legolas leapt up enthusiastically. "Great! Now where's dinner? I know! I'll cook my alphabet spaghetti with extra spaghetti! Now, where did I put my bag of SPC?"

Sam stared at his feet. "Well, about that, um… they, um… went on… holiday!"

Legolas looked confused. "Holiday?"

"Yes! They, err, went to… Hawaii! They told me to say goodbye… what?"

Legolas started bawling. "They went on a holiday, without me? sob How could they? I can't cook with out my spaghettios!"

"Um, can you cook anything that doesn't come out of a can?"

Legolas jumped up in excitement.

"Yes! Stone soup! I read this great story in college once, where this guy made yummy soup out of a stone! All I need is water and a stone…"

Sam looked at him uncertainly. "Did, you um… skip a few pages?"

"Nope, that's all I need! Now, gimme a pot!" And he walked off before Sam could stop him. Sam kept on walking, wondering whether to tell off Gimli for not tracking a bird or fish or something. He then heard some high pitched singing coming from around the corner. He looked past a rock to see Merry listening to a Discman and polishing furiously.

"Just, whistle while you work! Do, de, do, de, do, do, do! And cheerfully together we can tidy up the place!

So hum a merry tune! Do, de, do, de, do, do, do! It won't take long when there's a song to help you set the pace!"

Sam smiled in satisfaction and forgot, for a few seconds, that they would be having hot water for tea with the added risk of choking.